You can't always get what you want

Finally. The last RockStar:INXS. Now I can go back to obsessing about myself and my leg (brief update: October 4th is my surgery date, but that’s another blog entry in itself). Previously, INXS interviewed the ‘rockers,’ the contestants sang, and Suzie was given a booting.

In a completely not contrived way, the three guys toast to their being the final three. They also miss Suzie’s ‘femaleness.’ J!D! notes that Tim Farriss said that INXS would be ‘complete’ next week. Everyone is now a threat to each other. Dave ‘Count Chocula’ Navarro happens to stop by to let them know what’s going on. Tomorrow they get their new (product placement) cars and are taking themselves to a showroom to meet Andrew Farriss and collaborating on a new INXS song. Yow. J!D! calls Andrew a ‘genius’ and hopes to be writing songs with INXS for the next twenty years. Lucky them. Overused words during this conversation are ‘awesome’ and ‘dude.’

Marty writes in a notebook getting prepared for tomorrow. J!D! does not. He says rock and roll shouldn’t be too over thought and ‘rock and roll lives in the holes, man.’ Mig thinks it would be foolish not to be prepared for meeting Andrew Farriss. The next day they drive their new cars over to the studio. Marty comes in first and immediately tells Andrew that he has some ideas. Marty sings along to the playback something about ‘pieces.’ As long as it’s not about trees, I’m happy. Andrew tells us that Marty’s chorus was ‘virtually correct in every sense I could think of.’ Meaning…? The two of them go back and forth about whether or not a certain part of the song is even necessary. Marty folds pretty quickly, wanting to show he can get along and not be controlling. Andrew says he was ‘stunned’ at the lyric that Marty put together. Marty leaves happy.

Mig is up next. Sadly he has given in to his sappy tendencies and slowed down the song. Andrew notes that Mig really put some ‘energy’ into the lyric. Andrew asks Mig about changing the last part and he falls silent. Andrew notes that Mig is still too much of a sweetie-pie and he’s not sure that’s what INXS need. Andrew suggests another ending and Mig quickly agrees to it, saying to us that Andrew has an impressive track record so if he suggests something, he should go along with it. Mig sings an unfortunate lyric about ‘eagles wings’ and being ‘up for anything.’ Someone owns a rhyming dictionary! Mig fears he couldn’t live up to Andrew’s expectations, but Andrew claims to not have any expectations. Once again he tells us that Mig is a little into the happy things and life isn’t always about that.

J!D!’s turn. He comes in saying that he was thinking of a ‘love and war sort of thing’ and throws around the word ‘motif’ as if he knows what it means. Andrew plays guitar, J!D! sings about nothing in particular. Andrew then asks him if he has more lyric ideas, but J!D! does not. Andrew says to us that when he saw what J!D! had down lyrically he thought ‘…okay.’ They finish a line using the word ‘wrong’ and try to use ‘strong’ to rhyme, finally settling on ‘moving on.’ Andrew says that J!D! thinks ‘outside the square’ and ‘thinks very quickly,’ both of which are good. J!D! thinks he made a good impression saying ‘writer, writer, spark.’ Andrew thinks J!D! has a lot of passion but perhaps he needs some of Marty’s discipline by actually writing things down.

Back to the Rock Haüs. Dinner is laid out and it looks like veggie wraps yet again with plenty of red wine. Mig calls it the Last Supper (with J!D! as Judas) and asks the other two what they’ll miss the most about the mansion. J!D! says ‘the chicks.’ Marty says ‘the beautiful women.’ Goofus, meet Gallant. J!D! likens that night to having six lottery numbers and the last ball is still rolling and you’re like (gaping).

Next morning the three go into the song picking room and there is one red envelope. The note inside tells them to pick any song performed on the whole season to showcase the fact that they are the one for INXS. Next to them is a large stack of sheet music that J!D! picks up and promptly slides all over the floor. They get on the floor and Mig suggests that if they want a song to pick it out of the pile. J!D! wants ‘Come As You Are.’ ‘Pretty Vegas’ comes up and Marty snatches it aside. ‘Bring It On Home To Me,’ ‘Dream On,’ ‘California Dreaming?’ No takers. J!D! gives ‘Wish You Were Here’ to Marty. ‘Imagine’ and ‘Suffragette City’ go by. J!D! puts aside ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ for himself. ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ comes up and Mig picks it up and bites the sheet music. J!D! passive/aggressively asks the others if they mind if he does ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ because it means a lot to him and his friends back home will know what that means. J!D! adds that in his will (!) they are to play that song, that and ‘Sympathy For The Devil.’ Once a tool, always a tool. He finishes by saying he doesn’t want to digress, he’s there to progress with INXS. Hey, someone else has a rhyming dictionary! What are the odds?

Marty plans to do ‘Wish You Were Here,’ saying that it gave him a new voice and shows off how much he’s learned. Mig says there is only one song he wants to sing that badly and J!D! guesses correctly that it’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’ Mig thinks that choosing that song will now not work against him because he’s shown he’s ready to move on (from his ‘We Will Rock You’ past). Marty smartly notes that Mig is ‘walking on thin ice’ by choosing this song because why sing a Queen song if you want to prove you’re not in a Queen musical anymore. He calls it a ‘shaky decision.’ Of course, instead of telling Mig this, he tells him to go for it. Over J!D! playing ‘You Can’t Always etc etc.’ the three contestants pack their suitcases to leave the mansion. Mig carefully packs his Aussie flag and military jacket. Marty simply dumps a drawer into his suitcase. J!D! and Mig pack their guitars and everyone is out the door, filing past the pool. Mig calls this the most exciting experience of his professional career. J!D! claims to now be a better artist and human being because of this experience. Marty says this is where they all have to go on stage ‘guns a-blazing’ and if they lack any confidence they will fail. So long Rock Haüs, we’ll always remember the wine and vegetables.

During the credits, we see that at some point last night, the three guys (no doubt started off by J!D! ) throw all the wicker outdoor furniture into the pool. I bet they leave their beds unmade and their wet towels on the floor, too. Crazy!

Tuesday night and aren’t I glad? Brooke is at her least slutty tonight because it’s such an important occasion. All three ‘rockers’ and INXS are decked out in black as well. It’s like a wake for rock music. All the losers then parade on stage and are given a big drunken hand from the audience. Ty and Suzie get the loudest responses. Hello, INXS. Hello, Dave. Recap of the whole season so far. Rockers competed, blah blah, much jumping around, fist pumping, falling down, cooter grabbing, slutty dancing, pointing, and falling into the audience ensued. Tim hated sending everyone home. J!D! was a SuperTool from the very beginning, Marty was out of control, flailing and screaming until he found his voice, Mig was so popular that he remained out of the bottom three until the last week. More footage of jumping and shirtlessness. Whoo.

Brooke claims that Dave ‘guided’ the rockers until this point, meaning taught cross-dressing techniques and gave out waxing tips. Any thoughts from Dave? Tonight is all about awesome awesomeness. Who thinks they’re going to win? Everyone’s hand goes up. Dave asks J!D! if he thought of driving his new car into the pool. He says he did, but where is he going to live if this doesn’t work out? Marty, what it was like leaving the mansion? They’re all better performers now and they’re all ready to move on. Not really an answer…Mig gets no question, almost like he’s out of the running already. But what do INXS think? Kirk says they have been recording their new album all summer and at the end of the night they’ll know who gets to record with them and front them on a world tour.

Mig is up first. He has on a new Wig. Flashback on Mig’s journey, leaving behind ‘We Will Rock You’ for a chance to sing with INXS. In the first week, he sucked singing ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit,’ but bounced back in subsequent weeks. He really wanted ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ the first time it came up and now he’s getting to do it for INXS to show how far he’s come…from starring in a Queen musical?? Logic is not Mig’s strong suit. So off we go, singing singing singing. He sounds fine, like he’s sung this many times before. I think I liked Suzie’s version better, she was having more fun with it and sang better. Garry (Garry) looks like he’s trying not to laugh. In the audience, Suzie is singing along. All we’re missing is some Fosse moves and some jazz hands.

J!D!’s turn. Brooke calls him ‘the most (long pause) outspoken rocker of them all.’ So he’s an asshole, noted. Horrible footage of him singing ‘American Woman’ from the first week (much crotch grabbing is involved) then footage of him flailing around to ‘California Dreaming.’ To my eye, there’s no difference in his performance (less crotch grabbing maybe), but INXS start liking him from this point on. However, the house band clearly hates his guts and I’m with them. His hair is waxed beyond belief tonight. He sings ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want,’ trying to look ‘soulful’ but his face says ‘passing kidney stones.’ As usual, he overdoes the performance (stomping, squatting, pointing) trying to cover up his lack of singing talent. He finishes the song halfway into the audience, allowing some lucky skanks a chance to touch his waxed head. Mig claps for him, Marty doesn’t.

Marty is on now. He’s described as the former ‘mad conductor.’ Wow, they aren’t kidding. Marty himself describes his first performance on stage as ‘plugging my finger in an electric socket.’ I want to put a wallet under his tongue. Eventually he learned from INXS’s critiques to stand still and just sing. Tonight he’s singing ‘Wish You Were Here’ again. As usual, his eyeliner is impeccable. It’s a great song and he sings it well, but as a showcase for the scope of one’s voice and performance skills, it’s not so good. Again, Garry (Garry) tries not to cry. Both Mig and J!D! clap at the end of his performance.

Deliberation time! Who has just performed on this stage for the last time? Who has performed their final point, final stomp, and final flying knee-drop? As always, it’s up to Tim Farriss to deliver the bad news. He first thanks them all for their time, effort, and talent and says it’s been an incredible journey. But it’s time for the sad piano of rejection, which means someone is getting a booting. Mig, we’re so sorry but you’re too Broadway to be the lead singer of INXS. Back to ‘We Will Rock You.’ Dave tells him that it’s been a joy to see him perform and that he’s an incredibly nice human being. So he has absolutely no future in the music business then. Mig says he’s jealous of the remaining two and whoever they pick is going to put on the best show on earth. He thanks everyone who voted for him in Australia and the Philippines (?) and here also. He then heads over to hug the other castmates. What, he doesn’t get to meet INXS and say a proper goodbye?

Tim says that it’s been too long and that now the contestants are going to get to sing an INXS song with INXS themselves. They file onstage and Brooke throws us to a commercial. So where does Dave Navarro go, is he stuck back there on the banquets by himself? Aw. Back from commercials, we get a laser show with our INXS performance. They start playing ‘Don’t Change.’ The lights go on and it’s Marty singing. Unfortunately he’s singing with a fake English accent and sounds like he’s trying to imitate Michael Hutchence, instead of singing in his own way. He also keeps to himself and doesn’t go near the other guys in the band. He is able to hit the tricky last notes well, so it comes off fine, if stiff.

J!D! is up now singing ‘What You Need.’ He moves around a lot, as usual and has more of an interaction with the band. He sounds good, for him. Oddly, in the middle of his performance, he runs to the side of the stage and quickly drinks some water. Notes a little hard to hit, perhaps? Not a bad performance for J!D!, the tool. Deliberations. Marty and J!D! pretend to like and respect one another. Any last thoughts, Dave, you he-whore? Thanks to everyone, it’s been the best summer of his life. Tim? He says that it’s been a very long time for INXS to go without a singer and however much it means to the contestants, it means much more to them because now they are a complete band again. Both were wonderful to play with onstage. Compliments for J!D!, compliments for Marty. Tim then says ‘J!D!’ and fakes mental anguish, hanging his head. Then he whips his head up, tears off his shades and says that he is right for their band INXS. He immediately falls on the floor into fetal position, then gets up and has tears in his dead, black eyes. The band all salutes him and do a shot of something alcoholic. Tim thanks Marty and wants to talk to him about opening for them on their world tour. If you ask me, that sounds like a better offer than to be the guy replacing what’s-his-name. Dave tells Marty that if he ever needs a guitar player, he’s on board. Final thoughts, Marty? He congratulates J!D! and says he deserves it, and that he thanks INXS for the time they’ve put into making him a better performer and person. He also does not get to say a personal goodbye to INXS.

INXS now play their new song ‘Easy Easy’ with lead tool J!D! Fortune! It sounds like it was written by putting all the INXS songs into a computer and this is the generic outcome. J!D! also begins squatting his cold dead heart out. The band may want to have a word with him about this. Brooke tells us as the band plays on that if you think you’ve got what it takes, if you have passive/aggressive tendencies, if you have no social skills, if you’re a backstabbing whiner, if you don’t believe in preparation or practice, if your last known address was your car, if you have a thing for red wine and vegetables, this could be you next year. So apparently they plan on doing this show again with another band, or the same band if INXS get sick of J!D! ‘s bullshit and beat him to death one night in his sleep. As for me, I have learned absolutely nothing and am disappointed that evil has prevailed. Ah well.

What the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here.

And it’s time for the penultimate RockStar:INXS! Yay, whoo. Throw my hands in the air and recap like I just don’t care. And I don’t.

Well it turns out they did do a one hour show last week. The bottom three were Suzie, Jordis and J!D! (even though he got the encore!). INXS songs were sung. Jordis was sent home. There was crying needless to say.

Back at the Rock Haüs, there is drinking and adjectives being thrown around like ‘great’ and ‘killer,’ especially about J!D!’s performances. He says he loved playing for INXS. Marty says that Jordis’ elimination has been the hardest because he was really close to her. Mig says Jordis now has the rest of her life before her. Suzie remembers Jordis would tell her not to cry and spoil her makeup. And that sets her off crying. Mig tries to comfort her but she says she’s only crying because she’s so honored to be there. She says that INXS really see her talent (you certainly could see it up her skirt last week). Mig feels guilty that he’s never been in the bottom three or had to sing for his survival.

Hey everyone, it’s Dave ‘old vinyl’ Navarro at the Haüs! Dave asks how it’s going and notes how quiet it is. Marty says that after being with fifteen extremely talented people being one of the last four is an honor. Tomorrow, each one of the contestants are going to have a one-on-one job interview with INXS. Dave likens it to trying to build a relationship. J!D! interviews that tomorrow he plans for the first time in his life to be completely honest with anything they ask him. And like it or not, he plans on being with them for the next twenty or thirty years.

In a completely-not-set-up moment, J!D! is in the driveway, strummin’ his guitar, singin’ along, when up pulls a white limo. J!D!’s mom and sister get out. He first falls over backwards, then starts crying them and hugging them. The mom and sister look like each other, but not really like J!D! He ‘jokingly’ asks to borrow fifty bucks. They ‘laugh.’ His mom had three jobs, he dropped sister off at preschool, broken family, heartbreak, parent’s divorce, blabbity-blah. He tells them he was feeling fragmented and he thanks God that they showed up now. He sits with them outside but does not invite them inside or introduce them to the other cast mates.

Interview time. Kirk wants to find out their motivations for being there. Suzie says, ‘Interviews, ugh!’ but knows how important this is. J!D! is up to bat first. Kirk calls him ‘edgy’ and ‘almost dangerous,’ and wants to make sure that when the pressure is on, ‘he’s not going to flip out’ (hang himself from a doorknob). Tim asks J!D! about his cockiness and bravado. J!D! says at first, it was about insecurity and standing out, but now he really does want to be in their band. Jon looks unimpressed. Garry (Garry) asks him about getting along with everyone on tour. J!D! doesn’t think he would cause problems and he sees how they all relate to each other. Tim asks about his family (start the violins). J!D!’s ma and pa split up when he was five and he has a sister. He then happens to have family photos on him and starts showing them to the band. Kirk notes how much his family and fitting in with the INXS family means to J!D! Tim has one more thing. He gives J!D! an envelope with this week’s song selection in it and says they want to hear “Pretty Vegas” again. After the interview he says he regrets nothing and hoped he connected with INXS. Along with the sheet music to ‘Pretty Vegas’ is the music to Pink Floyd’s ‘Money.’ ‘Holy crap!’ says J!D!

Teeny-tiny Mig is up next. Tim says that from the start Mig has seemed like the nicest guy, but he’d like to see more edginess. Tim asks Mig what his history in musical theater is before he was in ‘We Will Rock You.’ He was in ‘Rent,’ ‘West Side Story,’ ‘Grease,’ and ‘The Buddy Holly Story.’ Tim says it may take a bit of work to dilute Mig’s theater side. Tim asks him about bands. Mig was in a band called Randy Badass and the Slick Master Five, The Honkies, and just formed a band called Mignition (groan). INXS laugh politely. Jon tells Mig he’s a really nice guy, but if he was the lead singer of INXS would he be assertive enough? Mig says absolutely and says that his niceness is not a sign of weakness, but him trying to cooperate with everyone. If he became the new lead singer they could trust him to be there always. Mig is not a selfish person, he’s a giving person and he would be honored to be a part of their band. He’s dismissed but Tim still has his doubts that Mig is anything more than just a sweet guy. In Mig’s envelope are ‘Kiss From A Rose’ (what’s more edgy than Seal?) and The Rolling Stones’s ‘Paint it, Black’ (not a typo).

All seven feet of blinding white Marty are up next. Jon remembers Marty wanted to bring a new edge to INXS. How would he apply that to their back catalog? Marty says that first off he has respect for the music but would be telling it in his voice. But now INXS needs to ‘take it to a new level.’ INXS created ‘dance rock’ but now the music world is about singles. Tim notes Marty being forthright on wanting to take them further musically (the shot of INXS as he says this makes them look really old) and admires his self-confidence. Andrew says that when he first saw Marty he thought he was a mad, ‘nervous conductor’ but he doesn’t seem nervous now. Marty likes to be in control, but a patient control. Kirk says that he is clearly thinking about what he and the band should be doing. In his envelope are Radiohead(!)’s ‘Creep’ and his own song, ‘Trees.’

Suzie asks Marty to wish her luck. She’s nervous because this is the first time she’s hung out with INXS ‘intensely together.’ Andrew says he admires her strength and tenacity (yay!) because she’s been in the bottom three so many times (whoops!). Kirk says if she was in their band, everyone will want a piece of you all the time. Is this about her putting out? Does she think this will effect her? Suzie starts off saying everyone has their down days, then her train of thought derails. ‘Wait…I had it…’ Tim noted this nervousness and worried about her in a press conference situation. Jon wants to know where she thinks their musicality is going. She says that right or wrong, she sees them going in the same vein they have been. ‘If it’s not broken, it doesn’t need to be fixed.’ Outside J!D! says no one knows how much he wants this job. Mig notes that they all want this job. We don’t get to see what music Suzie gets. Gee, it’s like she doesn’t matter.

INXS confer with one another. Kirk thinks they saw the real ‘them’ and that they’re all different from each other. Garry (Garry) says that Suzie is ‘hands-down’ the best singer, J!D! is the most riveting personality, Marty has come a long way, and Mig is unique too. Kirk thinks they have a tough job in front of them and is concerned about Suzie’s ability to handle pressure. Andrew thinks she’d need guidance. Kirk also notes that J!D! and Marty are never short of an answer. Andrew is not so sure that J!D! is saying what he means, or if that’s what he wants you to hear. Tim thinks there may not be a difference. Jon sees vulnerability in J!D!’s eyes, and thinks he’s misunderstood. Have these guys never watched the footage from their own show?? Andrew wants to know when the cameras are gone who’s going to stop J!D! playing games with everybody. Garry (Garry) notes Marty and Mig’s focus and dependability. Andrew remembers Mig’s musical theater background as a good thing. Garry (Garry) was surprised that Mig has been in so many (three?) bands and that he doesn’t seem genuine. Jon thinks Mig looks like a rock star, but is Mig a Rock Star? Kirk and Tim both like Marty’s assertiveness. Garry (Garry) thinks Suzie can always fall back on her voice. He also would like Mig to sing an INXS song. Tim likes J!D!’s ‘edge’ and bad boy image, while Kirk thinks he has some issues. Jon thinks if J!D! wasn’t coming out of left field all the time he’d be a fun guy to be around. They are stumped.

At the Rock Haüs Marty sings an acoustic version of ‘Creep’ while we get a montage of J!D! lounging on the couch, Mig at the piano, and Suzie on the treadmill. Which one of these people is not like the others? Can Mig show his darker side? Will Marty prove he’s got what it takes (INXS aren’t into screaming, you know)? Which rocker will escape the bottom three? Why is a raven like a writing desk? These questions will be answered as soon as I can type them.

Over the credits, J!D! tells the other three guys that he had promised them a ‘full moon.’ He then brings out a cake shaped like a naked butt. He gets Suzie to take a bite out of the middle of the center crease. They laugh at how obscene (and anatomically correct) the hole looks, and they laugh that the center is chocolate. Eww. J!D! notes that this week, they all finally got a piece of ass. Also eww. Thank you, Mark Burnett, evil baker.

Performance night! Brooke is recycling a tiny microskirt tonight and is making the front row her gynecologist. Hi INXS! Hi Dave ‘Center Part’ Navarro! He says Brooke looks like an adult superhero. ‘Thanks, Dave, I’ll take it’ she replies robotically. Dave claims that he had such a good time ‘rocking out’ with INXS that he’s going to play with the contestants tonight. Whoo. Recap of last night. Mig felt guilty, Suzie felt honored. J!D! got to see his mom and sister as a reward for getting the encore. They all interviewed with INXS, questions were asked. Everyone was good except Suzie. We finally briefly see that Suzie has Stone Temple Pilots’s ‘Interstate Rock Song.’ Dave asks Marty if he thinks he came off as too controlling. In short, no. Tim respects this and says there are many things they can learn together as a band. Mig has never sung an INXS song, having never been in the bottom three! Is this bad? Mig thinks that the record buying public are making it known that they want him as the new lead singer. Say Suzie, why should INXS pick a female lead singer? She says they should be looking for the best person for the job, not a man or a woman. Where has J!D!’s ‘softer side’ been all season? He claims that he’s always been there, it just took his family to bring it out. Kirk notes that tonight is critical and next week someone will be singing a new INXS song. Just as long as I never have to hear ‘Stop, Go’ ever again.

Suzie is on first and feels she has something to prove, being the only woman left. Suzie comes out to sing ‘Interstate Love Song.’ My sister pointed out that Dave Navarro’s leather pants are exceedingly tight, yet neither, ahem, frank nor beans are on display. I’m guessing he’s tucking (and that he taught Mig how to do it by the looks of things). Must..concentrate..on..music! At the end of the song Suzie plows into the crowd, still singing, sounding good, making faces at the camera. Good times. She says that we all need to be aware of stuff going on around us, like nature and stuff. Segue into 4 Non Blondes’s ‘What’s Up.’ Ugh. Bleh. She sounds fine, I just hate the song. She asks to see arms. The audience complies. Dave says the audience was so into the second song it was amazing. Garry (Garry) compliments her on her voice and calls her incredible. Tim said she really showed her versatility and that she did a great job of working the crowd.

Time for J!D! and Pink Floyd’s ‘Money.’ I like how the sheet music says ‘moderately with shuffle feet.’ Bleh, first we have that damn ‘Pretty Vegas’ song. Oh, it’s a glitter-covered bullhorn, did he do that himself in the Haüs’s craft corner? Now he’s trying out a new half-split/squat for size. Sadly he doesn’t fall over. He’s playing to the cameras and the audience. He also has a men’s tie on his waist. Segue time. He wants to know how many people in the audience have enough money. Silence, then laughter. How many people wish they had a little more money? Whoo. He makes INXS laugh by asking how many people want a whole (fucking) sack of money. Heh, he curses and wears swears on his shirts! Edgy! ‘Money’ starts and it sounds wrong musically. The bass should be much louder. Also the timing is tricky and he’s not in time on the chorus. Then on the guitar solo he throws a big sack of fake money into the crowd. Not many people bother to go for it. Tool. Dave thought ‘Vegas’ was ‘dope’ and thought he did a great job with ‘Money.’ Tim thought J!D! really pulled it off. Oh and if J!D! has that kind of money to throw around, INXS won’t have to pay him! Har har. Kirk can’t get ‘Vegas’ out of his head. Poor guy.

Marty and his Trash and Vaudeville shirt are on now. He decides to do an upbeat happy ‘Trees.’ It’s an acoustic guitar version with Dave on additional Acoustic guitar. It’s fine, it’s fucking ‘Trees.’ Now on to Radiohead’s ‘Creep.’ It starts out soft but there’s a big loud emotional part right near the end with some really hard notes to hit. Whoever does his eyeliner every week does a very nice job by the look of his close-up. He does a pretty good job of the song and almost gets the hard notes at the end right. Dave says he did a dynamic set. Garry (Garry) says the acoustic ‘Trees’ worked nicely and thought ‘Creep’ was fantastic.

Mig comes on last with his Seal song (I wish it was about fish) and Rolling Stones song. We’re looking for a darker side here. ‘Paint it, Black’ is up first. He does it all quiet with a piano then the instruments all come in. They really make it sound like a Broadway version of the song and Mig’s vocals aren’t helping. After finishing Dave gives Mig the secret handshake of the Tucking guild. ‘Kiss From A Rose’ is up now, and I guess the theme this week is mostly ‘songs Megan hates.’ His voice sounds better on this song, though. Dave thanks Mig for letting him play on ‘Paint it, Black.’ Kirk asks Mig if he’s happy with the song choices this week. By wild coincidence, ‘Black’ just happens to be Mig’s all-time favorite Rolling Stones song! Kirk ‘good on you, mate’s. Garry (Garry) says he wants to hear him sing an INXS song, but he doesn’t think it’s going to be this week. Dave recommends Mig lose his jacket. Mig obeys his Tucking friend. Aw, this is the last performance show. And here’s the early voting results from best to worst: Marty, J!D!, Suzie, and Mig. Good thing he lost the jacket.

On to elimination, as always. Drama! Emotion! Tucking! Vegetables! Millions voted, who will be going home tonight? Hi INXS, Hi Dave. Recap of the recap. Suzie, J!D!, Marty, and Mig sang, sang, sang. And lost a jacket. Who thinks they deserve the encore? Only Mig raises his hand. Oh shoot me, the people out there want to hear ‘Trees’ again. But who will open for Marty? Audience? They choose J!D! He thanks them so much. He asks what song they want to hear. Again, shoot me, they choose ‘Pretty Vegas.’ Bleh. My cat pees on the floor. I wish I was kidding. Now Marty asks the audience (collective I.Q. 60) if they want to hear ‘Trees’ acoustic or electric. They vote for the electric version and he smashes a guitar! Edgy! INXS don’t seem to know how to react to this. Marty sings ‘Trees.’ I look at the clock and my fingernails.

This week’s final top three contestants win their own 2006 Honda Civic and it comes in a hybrid version. Whoo, environmental stuff is so sexy! And edgy! Back to the mansion last night for some self-conscious ‘fun.’ Group hug. J!D! is 100% happy with his performance tonight. Suzie says she was rocking out and nothing feels better. Marty says he reached notes (almost) that he thought he couldn’t do. Cheers to Mig never being in the bottom three. Marty can’t believe one of them is going home.

Dave notes that if one of them has a misstep, they will regret it for a very long time. They must be feeling the pressure, right, Marty? He says it’s tough to know someone is going home tonight, but that’s why all the performances have been phenomenal, because of the pressure. Tim does really like all of them and their performances aren’t making it any easier. Mig, will you be happy if you stay out of the bottom three tonight? Mig says absolutely, he’s on a winning streak. J!D!, you tool, a few weeks back you really sucked but you are much better now. Is this the best of J!D! Fortune!? J!D! says that this experience has helped him grow in the past two months, and that he hopes INXS will find out what he has for the next ten or twenty years. That’s give or take a restraining order. Suzie, since you’ve been in the bottom three five times, how should the others handle it? She says she knows just where to stand on stage, and to give it all you’ve got. She also has a few tricks she’s keeping to herself because she’s going to kick their asses. Mig gives out a big theatrical laugh. Ha HA!

No one thinks they are safe. Last night the top to bottom ranking were Marty, J!D!, Suzie, and Mig. But time passed and other people from other countries voted so things may have changed. Or not. Brooke has the final bottom three, which she’s calling in no particular order. First up is Suzie. Garry asks her to sing ‘Suicide Blonde,’ which I think they’ve given to someone else who ended up going home. Um, not giving anything away here. She sounds fine, she can sing, the song is a sub par INXS number. Garry (Garry) asks her how she’s changed enough to be the lead singer of INXS. She says she went from insecure to really believing in herself and is ready for anything.

Sad guitar of the bottom three. Who’s next? J!D! He has to do ‘By My Side’ which I think Deanna had to sing once (or was it Suzie? One of those blondes). J!D! sings it very Elvis-ish, but still sucking. Being J!D!, he has to squat at least once. What did J!D! learn over these past few months? J!D! says when he got there all he was focused on was being the lead singer of INXS. Then his ‘friends’ (Marty and Mig) woke him up (smacked him around). Suzie shows J!D! where to stand on the side of the stage.

Marty and Mig, Mig and Marty. Who is going on to the finals? Who is in the bottom three? Brooke notes Marty had the encore and Mig has never been in the bottom three. Suspense. Marty is going to the finals, so Mig gets to sing tonight. Mig and his highly disturbing flesh colored leather suit. Talking about tucking, man, Dave must be so proud. Mig has to sing ‘What You Need.’ He sounds pretty good if a little thin. There’s a lot of stomping and a lot of pointing. He rips his shirt open on the middle break part. There’s that edginess! Tim looks mildly amused. Mig finishes on the ground after a big jump. Kirk tells Mig to stop loving the audience. Then he wants to know how Mig feels he has developed over the last ten weeks. Mig came in thinking he was going to kick ass until he saw his competition and his confidence waned. But every week has been trial and error, trying things, and he’s having the time of his life so he feels like he’s already a winner.

It’s INXS’s most grueling elimination yet. No snickering. It’s up to Tim (the mean Farriss) as usual, to drop the axe on someone. It’s been agony on the band! Agony! They are all so talented, but more importantly, one was a little worse than the others. In a week, INXS will be a full band again, so it’s a really hard decision. J!D!? Will be at the finale. Gah. So it’s down to Mig and Suzie. Go, sad piano, go! Suzie is crying already, Mig looks like a wax dummy as usual. Tim drops the axe. Unfortunately, Suzie has a vagina and therefore, is not right for the band INXS. You can tell she knew it was going to happen. There’s a lot of booing in the audience. Even Dave Navarro looks stunned through all his Botox. Mig goes back to the other boys. Suzie thanks INXS for their music, she loves their music and can’t wait to hear more of it. She tells the other performers good luck and tells them to kick ass, and she loves them all. And that’s it. Andrew (the nice Farriss) asks her over for a proper ass-pinching, erm, goodbye.

Well, that’s almost it! RockStar will be going on tour this fall but seeing as my amputation of most of my leg is nigh, I will have to miss it. Wah. Hopefully, my DiVo will be on it’s best behavior and decide to tape the show tomorrow. I shall be out on the town but will recap as soon as possible.

And I wonder when I sing along with you

Ahoy, mateys, ‘tis time for a big, fat RockStar:INXS recap (today is also National Talk Like A Pirate Day, arr!). This one is from 9/4, 9/6 and 9/7. Pardon for the compression, but I really want to get up to date in time for Tuesday’s grand finale.

RockStar Mansion. Everyone misses Ty, especially Jordis. She’s crying and sad. J!D! tells her to use that emotion in her next performance. Everyone in the truck for a clinic. It’s photo time! They are the new faces for Levi’s. There is a stylist. The photographer wants intensity and emotion! J!D! tries for a ‘sexy’ look. I throw up a little in my mouth. Mig does a little hop (for a little man). He moves around a lot and actually says ‘yay! I love having my picture taken!’ Jordis hates having her picture taken and was very uncomfortable. Marty has had someone play a practical joke on him. His pants end just below the knees, giving him a look like he just had a drastic growth spurt. The photographer liked him. Suzie is last. She is not ‘too sexy’ but in a good way. Group shot! I must read the wrong magazines because I haven’t seen this ad campaign yet.

Back at the RockHaüs, it’s J!D!’s birthday. Mig and Marty surprise him with a giant cake shaped like two wings reading ‘human being.’ How I wish he was a ‘human leaving.’ And because J!D! is a total tool, instead of cutting the cake, he grabs a handful of cake and throws it at Suzie and Mig. Jordis and Marty also get into the act and soon they are all completely cake-covered. Poor cake, it deserved better. Oh, but it gets worse! They all strip to their underwear (augh, I’m snow-blind! Oh, no, that’s just Marty’s pale body) and jump into the shower together. Whee! Then the boys are all in the hot tub together. Haa! Then Marty pours wine down J!D!’s leg and Suzie drinks it off of his foot. Barf! Oh, those nutty, crazy rock stars! What will they do next?

Time for songs to be passed out. This was shot out of sequence because everyone is back in their clothes, which are perfectly clean and cake-free. It’s viewer choice week. They could pick a song that the contestant has done or pick a wild card song. Everyone picked the wild card songs. There are also fan comments (my comment, ‘be more entertaining’ was not chosen). They are all happy with their song choices. But there’s more! INXS also wants them all to also do an original song as well. J!D! gets all passive-aggressive and refuses to read his comments, then tells Suzie to read just one, then says he doesn’t want to hear it. Someone actually has the nerve to compare J!D! to Han Solo. ‘Have they even SEEN ‘Star Wars?’ says J!D!

Marty wants to sing his song called ‘Trees.’ Jordis worries about her new song ‘Try Not’ coming right before ‘We Are The Champions.’ Rehearsal with the house band. By the way, where do the house band live? Are they in another wing of the mansion? A hotel? In their cars? Jordis had no direction for her song despite the house band’s suggestions.

And now, the ‘best’ scene in the whole show. Over the credits, J!D! Sits in his underwear on the remains of his cake on the table. Then in the next scene he’s gone, Suzie comes to the table and EATS come of the cake that was under J!D!’s shabby ass. I look for something sharp to gouge out my eyes.

Performance night! Brooke is in a belted purple nightie. Hi INXS! Hi Dave ‘no nickname this week’ Navarro! According to the audience, they are ready to ‘rock.’ Thank God for alcohol. Recap of Sunday night! J!D! is up first tonight with Nirvana’s ‘Come As You Are.’ He plans to do it ‘classy’ and ‘artistic’ and doesn’t want to be compared to Kurt Cobain. No danger of that happening. He does it sped up and with piano accompaniment. It’s very lounge-y until the guitar solo then it’s back to its original form. He sounds like someone from Crystal Ship imitating Jim Morrison imitating Kurt Cobain. That’s not a compliment. His segue consists of asking the audience if they’ve ever been searching for something. Then he adds ‘and when you find it you find that it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.’ Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated? ‘Pretty Vegas’ is his original song and it features J!D! singing into a BeDazzled™ bullhorn at one point. Then he does a knees-bent squat at the front of the stage, looking for all the world like he’s going to crap a playground on the stage. Not. A. Good. Move. Oooh, he threw the mike stand! He kicked over the bullhorn! What’s next, throwing a tambourine? Dave thought J!D! was awesome. Tim liked both songs. Kirk notes past weeks haven’t been his best but now ‘he’s back.’

Suzie’s fan song is Bonnie Raitt’s ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me.’ Everyone loves that song. Except me. It’s a sitting-down performance, very dentist’s office music. INXS fidget on the couch. So it’s a mellow thing, Suzie sounds fine, not as good as last week. Nap, er, segue time. Time for ‘Soul Life,’ dedicated to the ‘most true man she knows,’ Ty Taylor. It’s also a mid-tempo snoozer. Eyes getting heavy…It’s a really boring song, it never really takes off. Her long denim split right up to her crotch is much better at showing off her range than her song is. She’s made the first row her gynecologist. Dave thinks Suzie is the strongest vocalist on the show and says she really delivered. Tim agrees with Dave. And the house band is one hell of a great house band. Garry (Garry) thought her song was incredible.

Now Mig (and his Wig. It’s not too Big) is up. He’s singing The Black Crowes’s ‘Hard to Handle,’ which he had wanted from the second week. He sings and does the stompy move. And yes, at the line ‘take my hand,’ he puts his hand into the teeming masses (audience). Off comes the shirt. He’s going to bring it down now, singing a song about the pain of losing someone. INXS look concerned. Mig’s original song is called ‘Home In Me.’ He’s playing electric piano keyboard. Drunk girls in the audience drunkenly clap their hands. Yawn. More dentists’ office music. Mig gets a very lukewarm reception from the audience. Dave thought Mig showed a lot of range tonight, but he’s not sure how his original song relates to INXS. Mig says that they of all people would understand losing someone and moving on (naming no names). Tim says his original song is not an INXS song. Garry (Garry) liked both songs (songs).

Jordis (another word my spell-check hates along with ‘Mig’) is up now. Her fans’ choice is Queen’s ‘We Are The Champions.’ J!D! and her fought over the song in week 3 but now it’s hers. She notes it’s a very hard song to sing. Off we go. Well, she sounds better than J!D! did, but that’s like saying a kick in the shins beats a poke in the eye. She’s not bad but she does it in a key that sounds a bit too high for her and she doesn’t hit all the hard high notes. It’s over! Her original song is ‘Try Not,’ which she wrote with her pal Marty. It’s about something we can all relate to, being overwhelmed by being on TV. INXS have no reaction to that. It sounds really half-baked but at least it’s not slow. The audience doesn’t really react to her except for the drunken front row, desperate to be on television. Dave thought her original song had a Fiona Apple sound to it (I think that’s a compliment). However he doesn’t think her lower range is as strong as her upper range and wonders aloud if she’s ‘losing fire.’ Jordis says she feels like she’s stumbling. Jon appreciates her youth and thinks she’s doing a great job.

Last of all is Marty with the Foo Fighters’s ‘Everlong.’ He’s concerned because the chorus is really high and screamy and INXS doesn’t like Manic Marty. He does the same thing that Dave Grohl figured out; it’s easier to sing with just acoustic guitars instead of trying to hit the high notes in the rock version. INXS appear to be enjoying him. On to the original Marty song ‘Trees.’ It’s about being in love or trying to get someone to fall in love or something like that. And it’s about Marty himself. It’s an upbeat rock thing, not bad. Marty’s hip bones sighting! Gah! Way too much white-white skin. Dave liked how Marty ‘dialed it back’ with ‘Everlong’ and thought ‘Trees’ could be on the radio today. Garry (Garry) also liked ‘Trees.’ Jon thought it was catchy and was ‘the hit of tonight.’

You know the drill, here’s the voting, la la la, voting voting voting. Early results show the contestants in this order, from best to worst: Marty, Suzie, J!D!, Mig, and Jordis. But everything could change! Oh yes! And off we go…

To Wednesday night, elimination time. The most painful elimination so far, I’m sure. And because someone in Mark Burnett’s company likes me, it’s only a half-hour show tonight. Hello again to INXS. Hello again to Dave. Recap. Dave thinks it’s been a hell of a week. Dave also notes how uncomfortable Jordis looked at the photo shoot and reminds her that the winner of RockStar:INXS will have to have their picture taken a lot. Jordis felt she was rushed and hates people looking at her. Dave claims if he saw a picture of her mowing the lawn, he’d be riveted. Probably to see whether her dreads will get caught in the machinery. Suzie, Dave wants to show everyone…your picture! What a look! What a tranformation! Suzie really sees how much she’s learned and changed over the weeks. J!D!, if you were any more of a tool you’d have to change your name to Home Depot. No, he did the photo shoot well, yeah yeah, but how was the birthday party? J!D! says they work hard all week and he wanted everyone to play hard at his party. Dave notes that Suzie was drinking off J!D!’s toes and wishes that he could have been invited.

So there was voting and the most popular original songs were Marty’s and J!D!’s. Who gets the encore? The world picked J!D!, the tool. But wait, who gets to be J!D!’s opening act? Oh dear, it turns out that INXS has noticed things in the world have kind of gone to shit, and they’ve written a ‘powerful’ song about it, called ‘Us.’ And all five contestants will be singing it behind INXS playing. How ‘American Idol’ of them. Hey Dave, come on in, the water’s fine! Onstage, dude! His pants are pulled so far up the crack of his ass I’m wincing. J!D! sings about things changing. Love is all we need to bring us all together apparently. Jordis sings. Marty and Suzie sing together. Everyone now! Suzie sounds good doing vocal gymnastics over the other people singing. Mig is hitting an unfortunate note. Hey, Marty never got his own spot singing alone. Oh well. Time for J!D!’s ‘Pretty Vegas’ yet again. He talks about searching for something and maybe finding it. Suddenly a huge piece of the theater breaks off, hitting J!D! and reducing his body to a thousand broken parts. Oh, that’s me just projecting my dreams again, sorry. Singing etc. Learning nothing from the previous night he squats again, legs wide apart.

God, Brooke says that they’ve been on the air all summer long. THIS is how I spent a chunk of my precious time, recapping this damn show. And there’s a RockStar:INXS CD for sale, go look for it yourselves. Goof on the singing! Squat along with J!D! Make your cat run under the bed and refuse to come out! Back at the mansion after last night’s show, Marty says that Dave’s comments made him a very happy boy. Suzie didn’t think she did the Bonnie Raitt song well enough. Mig has been trying to suppress his nervousness, but today his hands were shaking so much he could barely rip his shirt open. Jordis thought J!D!’s banter was great and she’s feeling the pressure. She wonders if she’s the right person for the job.

Dave asks Jordis about the pressure. She denies feeling pressure and wants to continue. Dave thought J!D! was better this week than the last few weeks. What did he do? J!D! says he stopped the ‘game playing’ and just focused on becoming the lead singer of INXS. Mig, why were you so nervous watching J!D!? ‘Well I hadn’t seen him perform like that.’ You know, pogoing, squatting, posing, while barely singing in tune, or well at all. Mig claims that J!D! made the audience froth at the mouth and that following that with a mellow song was not a good idea. I think following that with a painful series of shots to the stomach is usually the course of treatment.

On to the voting. Brooke asks who thinks they are in the bottom three. Mig and Suzie and eventually Jordis raise their hands. Here are the first results from best to worst: Marty, Suzie, J!D!, Mig, Jordis. But then the rest of the world got to vote, and things change! And just as they come back from commercial…my DiVo asks me if I would like to erase this show now! Aaah! So, I went to the official website and turns out it was Jordis who was sent home. Wah wah. Sorry for the anticlimax. I don’t even think they got to sing the INXS songs this week. Hopefully they’ll do better next time (and so will my machine). Until next time, me harties. Arr.

Everybody's down on their knees

What up? RockStar:INXS, that’s what. It’s another elimination night (August 31st). Who will still be in the running to be the new (and soon forgotten) lead singer of INXS? Who will be sent back to the Broadway choruses? Stay tuned (can one really be tuned into a blog?).

Brooke Burke welcomes us to the show. She’s whored out again in low-slung jeans, shredded black ribbon tank and black bra. She claims last night’s show was ‘epic.’ Hi contestants! Hi INXS! Hi Dave ‘Maybelline’ Navarro. I usually don’t mention Dave’s ‘outfits’ but you should know that along with the muscle shirt and pants, he is wearing a black leather jacket’s sleeves. No jacket, just the sleeves.

Now a truly wonderful moment. Tim says that the band have been keeping track over what has happened on the Gulf Coast with Hurricane Katrina. They have played New Orleans many times and the people have been awesome to them. He wants us all to know that they have made a contribution to the Red Cross and that their thoughts and prayers are with everyone down there. And after this nice, heartfelt sentiment, Brooke robotically slurs, ‘OurhearsgoouttoeveryonethanksTimandDave. All right, back to business…’ Great segue.

Like every week, the band is facing their most difficult decision yet. Brooke claims that last night’s spectacular brought everything to a whole new level (third circle of Hell). We flash back to last night when Dave told J!D! he was stunned that he didn’t bother to learn the INXS song before the recording session. He thought that INXS were going to tell him what to do. Suzie says that they took a long time in there. Mig says J!D! has a method behind this behavior and not to knock him down until they’ve heard the finished product. Ty was (fucking) awesome, J!D! pogoed to Elvis, Marty toned it down, Jordis almost made Jon cry (in a good way), Mig showed off his upper register to mixed reviews, and Suzie rocked the house with ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’

So who gets tonight’s encore? Ty, Suzie, and Jordis all raise their hands. Who’s it going to be? Dave says last night was ‘epic’ and though it was a tough call, he and INXS decided that they want to hear Suzie sing again. But wait, there’s more. Eee. She gets to pick who ‘opens up’ for her with their encore. She picks Marty. Eee. Off we go into ‘Wish You Were Here.’ I start to think about what to have for dinner, what am I going to wear to the benefit tomorrow, do I have enough cat food, I wonder if Marty does his own eye makeup… whoop, song’s over. Garry Garry looks like he’s going to cry. Suzie’s up now. Nice green leather jacket, not so nice wide leg jeans. Suzie sounds even vocally stronger tonight and it looks like she’s really enjoying herself. She also was rocking so hard that one of her long earrings fell off.

Before we find out who was in the bottom three, we go back to the Rock Haüs to check out the post-show party. Everyone is all ‘yay’ and ‘excellent.’ Red wine and veggie wraps all around! But talk soon turned to elimination. Mig does some math and figures out that half the people there are going to be in the bottom three. Suzie doesn’t want to be one of them. Mig thinks he’s going to be one of them. Suddenly we’re outside smoking with J!D! and Suzie. J!D! pissily (spell check doesn’t like that word) says Suzie had no right to say what she said. Which if you check the second paragraph, was only that they were taking a long time in the studio. Huh? Suzie looks at him like he’s the passive-aggressive nut that he is. In another smoking bunch, Ty says he’s sick of someone getting ahead of him because he’s been too nice to him. Wha? Back to J!D! saying that he doesn’t know if he can forgive Suzie for that comment and he thought she had his back. Way to blow things waaaay out of proportion, Ass!Hole! In a side interview J!D! claims that he’s toned down himself so he could fit in with everybody here. There’s a frightening thought. She again tries to apologize and he brushes her off with a ‘later.’

Suzie joins the other smoking group and is crying that she doesn’t want to be anybody’s enemy and wants to be compassionate. Ty notes that bullies don’t pick on people they feel will stand up to them, and that Suzie is stronger than she gives herself credit for. Marty? Is disturbed from the bottom of his forty year old heart about Suzie’s night being ruined by J!D! Back to the live studio. Dave’s impression of the evening? ‘Pretty trippy.’ Dr. Dave also wants to know why Marty feels so bothered. Marty thought that he seemed insecure about his performance and that he took it out on Suzie. As he says this J!D! makes his face of ‘what the? I’m so confused and misunderstood.’ Tool. Also they need to remember that the drama here belongs on the stage because this is about finding INXS a lead singer. It sure isn’t about entertaining me, that’s for sure. Dave also notes Ty’s upsetness. Ty thinks that J!D! is a great enough singer that he doesn’t need all the other bull(shit). Dave wants to know how Suzie is feeling. She feels bad for hurting his ‘professionalism’ and that he felt she didn’t have his back and his upsetness hurt her back. But they worked it out. Oh, whew. Not like this show could stand a little drama of a feud. Let’s see what J!D! thinks! He came in with the win at all costs approach, but he's really just here to sing.

Dave wants to know if Jordis thinks she will be in the bottom three tonight. Jordis says she thought she was in the bottom three last week for sure. She was ready then and she’s ready now. How about Mig and his big elf ears? He doesn’t want to be putting his head on the chopping block at this point and going home. He does want INXS hear him sing their songs, but maybe in a few more weeks. Dave wants to hear from Marty again. How was his taste of the bottom three? He notes that he went from the top three to the bottom three in one week and he thinks he’s going to be in the bottom three this week. However, he’d be proud to be in the bottom three and sing for INXS.

Brooke asks the contestants who thinks they are in the bottom three as of last night. Everyone but Suzie raises their hands. Then she puts her hand up in a half-assed way. Actually, last night after the show the bottom three were J!D!, Ty, and Marty (BOO from the audience). But as the rest of the world got to vote, one more person joined this group. It’s Jordis. Suzie and a confused-looking Mig are safe this week.

The first of the bottom three called to the stage is J!D! He says he’s been dying to do an INXS song. He gets ‘This Time,’ a mid-tempo upbeat thing. J!D! doesn’t put very much power behind his singing and he’s horribly off-key on the chorus. He tries to compensate by doing the Belinda, the Total Eighties Dance, and the Pogo. Overall a pretty underwhelming experience. Afterward Kirk asks him how it felt to sing an INXS song. ‘It’s like, trying to describe my favorite summer as a kid, man. It’s impossible,’ he says in a ‘choked-up’ voice. I ain’t buying it. Dave thought it was awesome that he was pointing to his ‘brothers and sisters’ in the Peanut Gallery. Because pointing rocks!

Two losers left on the list. Ty, come on up to the stage! He gets up there and says while he wants to sing an INXS song, he’s a little heartbroken because he thinks he does what he does well and he’s going to do it well again right now. Say that ten times fast. Ty gets ‘The One Thing,’ another upbeat rock song. He sounds a little off also, especially when he stomps or pogos around. He ends the song in the classic Jesus Christ pose (arms out). Garry tells him first off, Ty got the chorus lyric wrong (‘it’s the one thing’ instead of ‘you’re my one thing’) but says it was well sung. Then he asks what Ty can bring to the table for INXS. Ty says that more than his heart, it’s his soul, and the ‘nucleus’ of the INXS sound is rock and soul. And he doesn’t see who is going to sing soul like himself. He continues that ‘we all have our things, and that’s why I love everybody.’ But his thing is soul and he brings it on strong.

Plaintive piano, how I missed you! Down to Marty and Jordis as the final member of the bottom two. Brooke fakes out Marty, then tells him he actually got more votes than the bottom three combined. So Jordis is on the block. She gets ‘Listen Like Thieves.’ It’s an up-tempo… oh Goddammit it’s an INXS song! They all are variations on up-tempo rock/soul things! Go check it out on iTunes if you don’t know what it sounds like. So Jordis actually sounds pretty good if a little subdued. And yes, at the lyric ‘everybody’s down on their knees’ she drops to the floor. She sticks to the song until the final chorus and does some vocal gymnastics with the lyrics. Not bad, really. Jon asks her what she can bring to the band INXS. Besides a vagina. She says she can bring a young open talent for them to use and she hopes to stay around long enough to show them what she can bring.

Deliberations, deliberations. We’re back to give someone the boot. It’s Tim’s job again to do so and he starts out calling them all amazing singers. BUT. He says that all three performances tonight were underwhelming. It’s fun watching the looks on their faces as this sinks in. They range from chastised schoolgirl (Jordis) to an empty fake smile (Ty) to punched in the kidneys (J!D!). They are told to figure out what went wrong or they will be next. So who is it? Ty, you’re just not white, er, right for their band, INXS. He looks pissed. The other contestants look sad (Mig looks like he’s trying to keep his wig on). Dave calls Ty and incredible performer and an astonishing star. Then he asks if there’s anything he wants to say to the guys. ‘Yeah, so much.’ He thanks them and says it’s been like a dream come true. He wouldn’t have changed anything he did, he looks forward to one of the other contestants singing with INXS. Then he says though he’s a positive person, it hurts him that as a People(!) that he belongs to, that they aren’t given enough appreciation in Rock and Roll, and he knows what he did and that he still ended up in the bottom three, and he can’t pretend to not know why it is. Andrew stands up and says he’s giving him the respect he deserves, he performed great, and that he’s an ‘awesome’ soul singer. So. Yeah. Awkward. He’s black, but he’s great at being black, then? He shouts out to the rest of the Peanut Gallery then wades through the crowd to say goodbye to INXS.

Thus ends tonight’s elimination. I swear, I’m going to try my hardest to get this blog caught up, so next week’s episode is going to be rather short. You will laugh, cry, wet yourself, and hate J!D! all over again. Until then, be good or if you can't be good, be careful.

Fashion forward in reverse

Check out what J!D! Fortune! managed to get away with last week on RockStar:INXS. This still doesn't mean you need to start liking him now.

Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters

What’s up, baby birds? Time again for another recap of RockStar:INXS (8/30). Once again apologies for completists – my DiVo doesn’t recognize the title RockStar:INXS as something worth recording on Sunday night (that’s been corrected for this week’s show). A quick recap of what happened at the Rock Haüs on Sunday – Dave visited and told the contestants that this week, they would all be doing a vocal for a new INXS song. They began learning the lyrics. Marty (Gallant) worked extra hard and J!D! (Goofus) took a nap. They went to the studio to sing to a playback. Ty and Mig sang like the former cast members of “We Will Rock You” that they are. Tim and Jon Farriss were concerned with Jordis changing the melody when she sings. Marty sounded like he was passing a kidney stone at first but improved when he used a different key. J!D!‘s (parking his gum on the music stand) lack of preparation was apparent to everyone. Suzie impressed the Farrisses the most. The songs came out, that they would be singing with a string section and a chorus, included ‘Imagine’ and ‘Suspicious Minds.’ Suzie would not give ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ to Mig because he didn’t give her the original song last week. Nyah nyah nyah.

Dave ‘Tougher Than Pleather’ Navarro spins some revisionist history saying they all ‘had a blast,’ at the recording session but he was disturbed by J!D! not learning the new INXS song. J!D! naturally has passive/aggressive reason, claiming that instead of him putting his imprint on the song, he thought that INXS would tell him exactly what they wanted on the song themselves. Suzie notes that she wasn’t there but they seemed to take a long time. Mig chimes in that J!D! has a ‘method to his madness’ so he’s not going to put him down until he hears the final project. J!D! then asks Jon and ‘Andy’ Farriss if they were disappointed in his performance that day. Andrew says the exercise was to bring themselves to the song (that’s not an answer, clever boy). He then asks Jordis why she kept changing the melody. She was under the assumption that the track was a starting point to work off of, a ‘skeleton.’ Andrew says ‘open to interpretation?’ Yep. Well, thanks but no, they were meant to stick to the melody. Whoops.

Kirk notes that Marty stayed up all night working on the song and has put extra effort into everything they have ever asked him to do (overlooking the week of ‘Stop Go’). Has this compromised Marty? He admits that he didn’t know anything about the ‘Sixties soul vibe’ the song was supposed to have (strange, considering he’s about forty) and thought it went badly until Andrew asked him to sing it in the ‘female key’ then it all worked out. Dave thinks we’ve heard a new voice from Marty. Back to Brooke, who is wearing hip-hugging jeans, see through black tank, black bikini top, thigh high white boots, and a black dog leash thing around her neck. She says nothing of note, I just wanted to mention the whore-tastic outfit.

Ty is up first tonight with The Rolling Stones’s ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want.’ Before he sings, he interviews that he grew up in church singing in choirs so he’s ‘all about gospel and rock,’ thus INXS will have no choice but to hire him. The look is red open necked shirt with a pinstripe vest and matching pants. He sounds good but the choir doesn’t sound very good. I’m going to assume that it’s a miking problem. He throws in a few ‘YEAH YEAH’s in at the sped up part (is that the gospel part or the rock part of Ty?). He points out afterward that his mother is in the house and she looks adorable. Dave thought Ty’s voice was ‘spot on’ tonight. Garry Garry thought he was incredible. Jon just says he was (fucking) awesome (they blurred out his mouth, so much for live TV) and well done. A sign you’ve been watching this show too much – you can tell the Farrisses apart.

J!D! is up next and he has chosen Elvis’s ‘Suspicious Minds’ and as usual, he’s messing with the arrangement. He also admits that for a few years he was an Elvis impersonator (I wonder which version, perhaps Living-In-His-Car-Elvis) so this song is like ‘closure.’ The song sounds just a little sped up. So much for changing the arrangement. He’s sporting brown pants, brown vest, no shirt, no shoes, no service, and a hat at a rakish angle. Maybe he comes off better live because I cannot understand how he’s avoided being in the bottom three so far. He’s truly adequate, really par. During the slow part he eye-rapes the entire front row and tries for an ‘Elvis’ sneer but lands on ‘Billy Idol’ instead. He ends the song with a flying knee-drop. Crack. Snap. Dave Navarro notes his de-Elvising of the song, isn’t sure what it will ultimately do for him, but he thought he was good. Jon Farriss asks ‘Why. Did you pick that song?’ J!D! says for two or three years he was just known as a dancing monkey who did Elvis songs so this is the first time he’s sung the song as himself. Andrew Farriss thought his rendition was powerful. For a passive-aggressive dancing monkey.

On to Marty singing Pink Floyd’s ‘Wish You Were Here,’ another slow, sitting down kind of song. Bye, Manic Marty! He’s wearing a black suit and a red open neck shirt, maybe borrowed from Ty. Best of all, he’s wearing shoes. It’s so wrong that he thinks he comes off better on the shouty songs, because he sounds much better and much more in key when he’s doing the quiet songs. The choir is mostly quiet on the song, just a ‘year after year.’ The crowd reaction is very loud and enthusiastic and he steps off stage to hug his aunt. Dave wants to know how it felt to do a Pink Floyd song with the strings and choir. He says the last moment was probably one of the greatest moments of his life. J!D! and Jordis clap at this. Dave notes the smoothness and ease of his vocal delivery. Kirk thought the song really suited his voice and Marty was awesome. Turns out this song is Garry Garry’s favorite song off of one of his favorite albums and he plays it to death in his ‘cah’. He cites the song being about a missing band member which is why it moves him so much (that’s the closest anyone’s come to mentioning the verboten Michael Hutchence) and says that less is more. So yay for Marty.

After taking a big chance last week by sucking, Jordis decides not to play it safe again. She’s doing John Lennon’s ‘Imagine.’ She’s also going to play acoustic guitar along with it because she feels like she really needs to redeem herself this week. She’s wearing a black long dress with a cutout chest hole and a lot of black beads. This week she sounds much better, hitting the notes (including the tricky high ones) with ease, which gets a big audience reaction. She gets stronger by the end and finishes the song smiling. Then she gives a big hug to her mom and seriously crazy looking dad (imagine Jerry Garcia plus Chong). Dave thought she was phenomenal. Kirk thought she was ‘spellbinding,’ but wanted to know about the guitar playing. She says she just wanted to ‘be’ the music. Jon said that it took everything that he had not to cry as she sang and she has totally redeemed herself from last week. Mission accomplished.

Time for Mig and Wings’s ‘Live and Let Die.’ Perhaps you might have thought that the former cast member of ‘We Will Rock You’ would fight for the only Queen song. Au contraire! Mig decided to go back to being passive this week and do the Wings song instead of the song he wanted. But he’s not just being Mr. Nice Guy, he’s thinking of the competition and not auditioning for the lead in ‘We Will Rock You.’ Mig is wearing a white open collar shirt, black jacket and black leather pants. And shoes with a little heel, aw, how cuuuuute. It’s a very theatrical performance (of a very theatrical song) and he does some extra vocal runs during the instrumental parts. Seems the choir wasn’t needed for this song but the string/horn section had to do double duty. He also holds the last note reeeeeeaaallly long and ends with a single knee drop. Nice. Dave kids he was seventeen years old when that last note started. Jon thinks it was a smart song choice but Kirk thinks (after saying how great the house band was first) that he shouldn’t have been singing during the instrumental breaks. Mig claims he got carried away. The audience boos and Garry Garrrrrry reprimands him with a stern, ‘Kirk.’ Garry finishes by saying that he thought Mig did a great job.

Finale time with Suzie taking on ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’ She wanted it more than any other song she’s had before, but when she got it realized what a task she had taken on. ‘What have I gotten myself into?’ No kidding. She’s wearing a purple leather jacket with blousy sleeves, black tank and pants, beaded wide belt, purple sequined scarf and black gloves. The performance is a bit subdued up to the ‘little silhouette-o of a man’ line when she starts loosening up and really seeming to enjoy the herself. Jon and Garry Garry are singing along all goofy-like. As many times as I’ve watched this, it’s still pretty awesome to see Suzie, the audience, and the choir start jumping up and down with the ‘rock’ part of the song. Dave practically foams at the mouth saying it was one of the most spectacular things he’s ever seen with the song and the strings and choir and everybody being so so super! Kirk says that although it’s a very hard song to sing and play that was the best performance he’s seen through the ‘whole show. Ever.’ Jon calls her a true pro and says he’s so proud she wants to be a part of their band. Suzie falls to her knees with gratitude. Some Random Dude yells ‘Suzie rocks!’ Indeed.

Time to vote (if you own a time machine). Do we have early voting results? Why yes, thanks for asking! Bottom three are J!D!, Ty, and Marty. Lines are open up to four hours and tomorrow we get the results, but sadly it’s another one hour results show so expect more padding than at a junior high school prom (thanks folks, tip your waitress). Megan out!

Don't change a thing for me

INXS elimination night 8/24! Hi INXS (still minus Garry Garry)! Hi Dave ‘what’s up baby birds’ Navarro! Hi Brooke Burke! Nice to see you own a jacket with sleeves and can use a placemat as a skirt! They summarize last night: Suzie rocked out and flopped into the audience, J!D! did Foreigner no favors, Deanna had Ty check her homework, Ty’s ‘Proud Mary’ ‘brought down the house’, Mig finally stood up for himself (and it worked), Manic Marty was back, and Jordis made funny noises which caused Dave to raise both waxed eyebrows. After the contestants got back to the House of Liquor and Vegetables, Jordis said she thought she butchered ‘Dream On,’ Marty doesn’t want to stop screaming and start singing, Deanna thinks INXS say the same things (‘staying in her comfort zone’) about her every week, Jordis worries about being in the bottom three, Ty thinks ‘some people’ did not do their best this week (Ty himself excluded, natch), and Suzie thinks this week, anything goes.

Yes, anything (scripted) can happen (after a season’s planning) on RockStar:INXS (no one talk about Michael Hutchence). But first who gets the encore? Everyone but Mig and Jordis think they deserve to do the encore. Ty thought last night really felt like a show and not a competition so he should get the nod. Deanna is really proud of the song she wrote. Mig is also proud of his song, but he thinks other people were more deserving. He’s going to get nowhere with that passive attitude. B-E aggressive, Mig! Dave thought the encore performer last night went above and beyond anything they had seen them do before. It’s….Toronto’s own Suzie McNeil! She’s plenty surprised and gets big hugs from camera hogging J!D! She goes through ‘Start Me Up’ again and seems to really enjoy herself, flirting with the house band guitarists, and again, does a swan flop into the audience. Luckily, they opt to catch her again.

But tonight is all about elimination! It’s about who gets dumped! Who gets flushed! Who came in Number Two! I am five! But who will be let go? Back to more footage (padding) from the Rock Haüs. Mig couldn’t stop smiling, Deanna was upset by INXS’s comments (‘how comfortable is it to sing Power Rock?’) and thinks maybe she’s just not right for the band. Marty doesn’t want to turn it down, he wants to turn it up and thinks the kids (of which he is SO not one) want singers like himself. He should tell that to the veins that pop out of his face every time he does the screamy thing. Suzie notes that you can do your ‘thing’ very well but you have to be able to do INXS. Mig noticed Jordis being very quiet. She thought she sucked and threatens to jump off the roof into the pool. No. Stop. Don’t. J!D! thinks on the sunny side - she got to crash and burn in front of fifty million people! – and thinks she should suck it up. J!D! also has the inability to wear a hat straight on his head. A swelling problem, perhaps? Ty is very interested in who the bottom three are. Suzie thought she did well but may still be in the bottom three because she ‘rules’ the bottom three. Jordis predicts she ‘definitely’ will be in the bottom three.

Brooke wants more info. Why does Marty want to defy INXS’s advice to ‘turn it down’? Because he listens to INXS’s advice but now after three weeks of ‘sitting down songs’ he wants to meet the band halfway and wants to show off his showmanship. Doesn’t make any more sense to me. I must be missing something because Dave agrees with Marty. Then Tim Farriss says that this has actually been a test for Marty and he’s passed it; they’re happy to have him listen to them but then meet them halfway. How about Deanna, how’s she feeling? She feels that with coming up with an original song, arranging it, rehearsing it, (Ty is in the same shot) performing it, all adds up to a not-comfortable area. Dave agrees that you have to stay true to who you are because one of you is going to be INXS’s lead singer and the rest of you will be back to the drawing board (OK, he just thought that last part to himself). J!D! You have been on ‘a mission’ to front INXS, what do you think it’s going to take to become their new singer? Unhumble monkey boy says, like Marty, it’s about meeting them halfway. Some people are better at this, some people do better at other things. Also air is breathable and water is wet. Dave calls J!D! controversial (J!D! does the best wounded monkey face whenever anyone says anything against him) but thinks his voice is well suited to the INXS back catalogue. Mig appears unconcerned. J!D! kisses INXS’s ass and claims they are why he’s a singer/songwriter today.

Brooke calls Suzie ‘Queen of the Bottom Three.’ Suzie is so into being the ‘Queen of the Bottom Three’ that she has customized a hat saying just that for her to wear when her name does get called. Dave says that he can’t believe she’s ever been in the bottom three with her strong voice and says he will wear her hat if she gets called tonight. Andrew Farriss gives respect to all the contestants. Jordis, was this the time to take such a big risk (sucking)? She didn’t realize it was a risk until after rehearsal, but she went for it and probably would do it again. She also believes she deserves to be in the bottom three tonight. Dave says it was her worst performance ever but at least she showed she has guts. Jon Farriss says she just had a bad night and if she sings tonight he won’t be complaining.

Plaintive piano of disappointment starts playing. Last night’s bottom three at the end of the show were Deanna, Ty, and Jordis. But it changed over the night so now J!D!, Marty, and Mig have to stand as well. Note who is left seated – the Queen o’the Bottom 3. Suzie is feeling really good about this and so is Dave (he won’t have to wear the hat now). To the stage goes Ty (Dave doesn’t understand why and neither do INXS) and he has to do ‘What You Need.’ It’s a bouncy upbeat number. Sing Ty, sing. He also has mastered the stomp to-and-fro stage move, very impressive, Grasshopper. He does sound a little strained at some of the high notes. J!D! and Suzie seem to be the only contestants really enjoying him. Afterward, Ty says there’s something about INXS’s music that makes you want to dance and sing and that vibrates him and he can’t sit still and maybe next time more (stupid tone deaf) people will realize that he should be INXS’s new lead singer. Ty knows he’s supposed to be here so he doesn’t have to talk about it. After talking about it.

Two names left! Now Deanna has to take the stage. She gets to sing ‘Elegantly Wasted’. It is also upbeat, maybe a tinge funkier. She doesn’t sound very good in the beginning of the song or the middle either. So…much…cornbread! I’m swimming in it! Not a really great song to show off one’s voice to. I also must put a moratorium on the ladies grabbing at their special place whilst singing. Thanks! How does Deanna feel about doing INXS songs? She loves their songs because she loves to rock hard and dance. And by dance she means clutching at her cooter while bouncing up and down.

Who’s up last? After a fake out (J!D! is safe, Mig is safe), she calls up Marty. Jordis looks stunned. Dave says this is a crime. Jon asks him to sing ‘Don’t Change,’ a very up-tempo straightforward rock song. Consciously or not, he’s singing it with an accent like the dead-guy-we-do-not-name. Throughout the song he’s doing the Marty thing (not singing in tune) especially on the last chorus. He also opens his mouth so big it’s like another smaller version of his teeth is going to pop out and hiss at us ála ‘Alien’. Marty claims post performance that singing an INXS song made him feel very powerful (being part ‘Alien’ does too). He originally got their ‘Greatest Hits’ to learn how to write songs and learn and now he hopes to be around a lot longer. Dave says that watching him learn is ‘really teaching us. Rad!’

Cue piano! Time for elimination! Tim gets the chore this week and as usual, says how this is ‘really difficult.’ They have the best seven singers for their band and it’s not such a bad thing to be in the bottom three anymore because eventually they are going to want to hear them all sing INXS songs. So who’s it this week? Not Manic Marty, they were scared of his double-jaw ‘Alien’ thing. Ty or Deanna? Deanna, you’re just too female and full of cornbread to be in the band INXS. Dave says this is Black Wednesday from now on and she and her comfort zone are amazing. Anything to say to the band? She surprisingly admits she watches a lot of reality TV and always sees people getting kicked off and you don’t think about them. But now she realizes that they are real people and this is really hard and she wanted to be INXS’s new singer, but thanks them for the opportunity. She’s crying and so are Mig, Jordis, Ty, and Suzie.

What will happen next week? Who will get booted? How many more reasons do you need to hate J!D! Fortune!? Until then I’ll be teaching you all by learning. Rad!

You got to lose to know how to win

Never mind the lateness, here’s the RockStar:INXS recap from the 23rd of August! (and before we start, the good news is that I have DiVoed the show on the 23rd and the 24th. The bad news is that the 1/2 hour show was not taped on Sunday. So I only have a very brief recap of what happened that night.)

So! Performance show time. Brooke Burke was taking a nap before the show because she comes onstage in her nightie. She also threw on some ginormous bracelets to distract us from realizing that she’s in her nightie. Say hi to INXS minus Garry Garry Beers (attending to a personal matter)! Hi to Dave ‘evil hearted you’ Navarro! Noisemaking ensues. Hi final seven! One of them will really become the lead singer of INXS, honest! So on the short show Dave showed up at the mansion (smoking a cig, naturally) and told them they all had to write their own songs. Some were uneasy (Jordis) and some were just fine (J!D!). Some needed other’s help (Suzie). Then on song day they were given five songs so that only two of them would actually get to sing their original compositions. They picked Deanna and Mig’s name out of a hat to do their own songs. Suzie then changes her mind and begs Mig and Deanna to give her the chance to do her own song. Mig felt uncertain, Ty helped Deanna and turned off the house band in doing so. The house band also didn’t think that Mig’s song was cohesive although it improved.

Back to the show. Dave asks Suzie about picking names out of a hat. She really wanted to do an original song for INXS but doesn’t get to this week. Thus the danger of pulling names out of a hat. What does Mig think? He kept his song because he wants to show he really wants to win this competition. But what about J!D!, doesn’t he want to show off his songwriting skillz? He says that when he saw the songs up there (groups like The Rolling Stones and Foreigner!) he wanted to impress the ‘rock’ crowd with a ‘rock’ song. Say Marty, you sure like those modern songs, eh? He says that INXS invented the ‘dance rock thing’ in the late Eighties and the sound is coming back around with bands like The Killers so he wanted to show he’s current. Good answer, Marty! Commercial time.

Suzie interviews that she’s sick of being in the bottom three and starts off the show with (duh) ‘Start Me Up’. She’s sporting a black military jacket, black high boots, pink pants, wide braided belt. She sounds good and growly singing (though I noticed they took out the ‘make a dead man come’ line out). She does the standard walk-stop-grind,-walk-stop stage moves including a long frontal grind on the guitar player (make sure he still has room to play, Suzie!). Then she’s into the audience and up in the peanut gallery singing with the other six contestants. Then she does a swan-fall into the audience, who thankfully catches her, flip her over and push her back up. Good stuff. Dave is really impressed and is shocked that she’s ever been in the bottom three. Jon Farriss thinks she was vocally exceptional tonight. Tim Farriss thought she looked and sounded like she meant business.

J!D! is up now. He thinks if INXS heard his original song, they would have thought it was one of the best things they had ever heard on the stage. But instead he’s doing Foreigner’s ‘Cold as Ice’ J!D! Fortune! style. By this I meant sped up and in a lower key. J!D! is closing his eyes singing but his face is twitching like he’s going to sneeze. The look for him tonight is cream leather jacket, grey shirt completely open, grey pants, much torso. The stage move is squat-threaten to pull the pants down with the thumb- shift back and forth. It’s interesting how when J!D! is performing they never show what the other contestants are doing reaction-wise. I’d like to think they are trying to stifle laughter. Now he’s doing a deep squat and threatening a girl in the audience with the pointed finger move. It comes off neither sexy nor cool, just obnoxious. Just J!D! Dave thinks he’s very good and confident but he feels some of the notes of the song were missing. J!D! claims it was just his interpretation of it and he was ‘just jamming out on that.’ Andrew Farriss thinks he did an excellent job, Tim Farriss thinks J!D! really understands more than anyone what he’s doing as an audition. Cut to Mig, Marty, and Ty looking unimpressed.

Give it up for the House Band! Deanna thinks she’s going to really kick ass this week with an original song called ‘My Truth’ which she co-wrote with Ty. The look tonight is a floor length open sweater, (that she has to hold closed) miniskirt, fake dreadlocks, and boots. Yikes, she should really think twice about doing the squat thing. The song is a stompy rock thing with Nirvana-y chords about self-esteem. You know the drill. The other contestants are rocking out, especially Ty. Dave thought her vocals were spot on, Jon thought the song was cool although in her safety zone. Tim unfortunately wants to know the story behind the song. It’s about singing, and a cheating boyfriend, and her hoping her singing would make him love her. She then thanks him for being an asshole so she could write that song. Oh, snap!

Ty is up next. He wants to impress INXS this week with the song he co-wrote with Deanna and also with his rendition of “Proud Mary” ala Ike and Tina Turner (two other unsuccessful black people in rock). The style tonight is denim jacket (all open) no shirt, jeans, and necklaces. Deanna, Jordis, and Suzie are doing the Ikettes part and Suzie doesn’t bother to suppress an eye-roll as they are introduced. They start it off nice and easy. I’m assuming it’s going to get nice and rough soon. Oh here we go. So it’s a good Ty performance, very high energy. The girls sound good doing their ‘rolling’s. One of the Farriss brothers is playing air drums during the performance. Dave thought Ty was (apologizing in advance) ‘Ty-riffic.’ Oh, it burns, it burns, oww…Jon thought Ty put on quite a show. Kirk thinks Ty was very busy this week and is surprised that he didn’t get Kirk to play piano and J!D! and Marty to carry his bags. Ty Jesus-Christ-Poses and is off.

It’s time for Mig and his song called ‘Do or Die’ and it’s about his experiences in the house (meaning the Rock Star Mansion, not jail). He sings a line about ‘my reality’ and the house band guitarist raises an eyebrow. Hee! Mig admits the band was not impressed at first and he knows that he has to write something to go along side The Rolling Stones and Aerosmith. On to the performance. In an unfortunate clothes choice, Mig sports an all-black ensemble but the crotch of his pants feature a black and white striped part, which just looks like he split his pants. The song has lines rhyming ‘dramatic’ and ‘tragic’ and talks about escaping ‘this asylum.’ The other contestants seem to enjoy his Creed-lite rock musings. Dave thought he sounded good and was glad Mig didn’t make him cry again because that would have made him rethink things about his personal life. Ohh-kay. Tim thought that his song was not real INXS but he liked and respected it. Kirk asks if he worked on it with anyone and Mig says he worked on it by himself (no mention of the house band).

This week Marty is going back to his rock roots and is doing ‘I Alone’ by Live. It’s a very 1993 song, faux grunge, quiet verses and a shouty chorus. Marty is wearing a high collared black jacket, grey and black vertically striped pants and (EEK!) bare feet with black nail polish. Also very 1993. Despite his Rick Springfield incognito looks even I must admit that he has very pretty blue eyes. He’s intelligible during the verses and sounds very strained on the shouty chorus. I don’t know why he keeps picking the shouty songs, he’s really not a shouty guy, and it doesn’t suit him. Regardless he sings on. The Farrisses whisper during his singing. At the end of one chorus Marty does a double knee drop and sings the next lyrics in this position, sounding very out of tune. Afterwards, Dave notes that Marty is not always in tune, which is fine (strange thing in a singing competition) and thinks Marty should go put his feet up. Jon thought there needed to be less screaming and more singing. Tim snarks that Manic Marty is back. Kirk thought he was good but is trying to work out how it relates to INXS.

This really cracks me up. On Channel Four they have a storm-watch system called Doppler 4000. Now Channel Two has one called Doppler 2 Million. Out-dopple that, suckas!

It’s up to Jordis to close out the show with Aerosmith’s ‘Dream On.’ Unfortunately, she can’t hit one super-high note on the chorus but says she’ll make a split second decision on what to do while she’s performing. She’s sporting a newsboy cap, black top, black jacket and bell-bottomed blue jeans. For a change, Jordis sounds shaky and unsure as she sings the first lines. The chorus is a slight improvement. INXS look concerned. She continues and when she gets to the really high part (I’d love to know technically what those notes are), she screeches ‘Dream on! Dream on! AAAIIIIEEEEEEE!’ Even Dave Navarro makes a face at that. She half-assedly finishes sitting on the stage. It’s never a good thing on the show when Dave first of all has to make note of how good the house band sounded. He then says you need a spectacular vocal to make that work and she wasn’t up to it. Tim says he really wanted to like her but couldn’t. Jordis says she was definitely over thinking the song. Tim replies that it’s good to know even someone like her can mess up. Dave asks why she just didn’t change the end of the song. She says that it would have been easy to do vocal gymnastics instead of the note but she felt like going for it. Fair enough, but still not easy to listen to.

Time for you to vote! But who’s in the bottom three for now? Why Deanna, Ty, and Jordis! Will it stay the same or change? You’ll have to wait for the next recap! Get out there and dopple like your life depended on it!

I just want a lover like any other, what do I get?

OK, it’s official; I am taking myself out of the dating ads for now. I’ve dated two guys in the past month that I met through a dating web site and they both turned out to be losers. I approached both first, so I don’t know if this is some screwy Rules-type proof that I should just sit back and wait to be approached. Though I was just looking around the dating site today and I got a message from another member. It was pretty obvious that he hadn’t read my profile because I am eleven years older than his cutoff age, two inches over his cutoff height, he’s in Iraq right now (I want to date people within only five miles of where I live) and he said I was ‘gorgoues’. And that’s not so bad, considering what else is out there. I saw another profile of someone just looking for ‘play’ and he said something about wanting to see ‘your cute but’ in his bed. Yeah. One ‘t’. Call me a snob, but I swear I will never let someone see anything of mine that they can’t spell correctly. In my ad I tried to spell correctly and honest about my height, weight, age and the fact that I’m going to lose my leg soon. That last fact alone is usually enough to scare many a boy away, so I always kind of wonder about the ones that answer back really fast. In fact, after the first guy I went out with I had to change my profile because he thought I was ‘kidding’ about losing my leg.

The first guy I dated I'll call 'John'. He showed up late (up to 45 minutes!) on all three dates we went on. He was also pathologically shy, to the point that I had to ask all the questions and answer more than a few of them myself. And I’m sure I didn’t help things by drinking too much on one date only to come home and throw up all over the floor. And no, he did not hold back my hair. Finally I realized that this was not going to work but before I could call him, he sent me an email. Among other things he said that he had neither the ‘force’ nor the ‘capacity’ to be in a relationship with anyone right now. Then he said although he found me physically attractive, the only way he could sleep with me (or anyone) right now was if he got completely blind drunk. Ah. Good to know.

The second guy Peter seemed much better. He was friendly and flirty in emails we sent to and fro and was a photographer to boot. We also had a really nice long phone call, and I’m not much of a phone person. I was really looking forward to meeting him. So when he shows up (Late! Am I the last prompt person on the planet??) he apologizes for being late, admitting he was out in Brooklyn helping a friend move. Pause…‘actually I was helping my wife move’. Turns out he’s not technically single, only just now separated from his wife of twenty (he’s 40) years. Fine. So we have drinks and talk and get along really well. Then he leans over, holds my hand and kisses me on the mouth. Cute. Soon he has to go home (an early photo call the next day) so he walks me back to my house and gives me another kiss. Sweet. The next day, right after I learn that my friend Rick had died (and that I was one of the last two people to see him alive), he gives me a call. Turns out he thinks things have 'gone too far' between us and after a lot of thought, he realizes he’s not ready to date yet. Timing is indeed everything and much sobbing followed.

So enough of all that. For now on, my cute 'but' will be staying home.

Stay tuned...

We will soon have at least two new RockStar:INXS recaps, I promise. Really. I have tomorrow off, after all. Happy Labor Day, y'all.