Monday, September 19, 2005

What the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here.

And it’s time for the penultimate RockStar:INXS! Yay, whoo. Throw my hands in the air and recap like I just don’t care. And I don’t.

Well it turns out they did do a one hour show last week. The bottom three were Suzie, Jordis and J!D! (even though he got the encore!). INXS songs were sung. Jordis was sent home. There was crying needless to say.

Back at the Rock Haüs, there is drinking and adjectives being thrown around like ‘great’ and ‘killer,’ especially about J!D!’s performances. He says he loved playing for INXS. Marty says that Jordis’ elimination has been the hardest because he was really close to her. Mig says Jordis now has the rest of her life before her. Suzie remembers Jordis would tell her not to cry and spoil her makeup. And that sets her off crying. Mig tries to comfort her but she says she’s only crying because she’s so honored to be there. She says that INXS really see her talent (you certainly could see it up her skirt last week). Mig feels guilty that he’s never been in the bottom three or had to sing for his survival.

Hey everyone, it’s Dave ‘old vinyl’ Navarro at the Haüs! Dave asks how it’s going and notes how quiet it is. Marty says that after being with fifteen extremely talented people being one of the last four is an honor. Tomorrow, each one of the contestants are going to have a one-on-one job interview with INXS. Dave likens it to trying to build a relationship. J!D! interviews that tomorrow he plans for the first time in his life to be completely honest with anything they ask him. And like it or not, he plans on being with them for the next twenty or thirty years.

In a completely-not-set-up moment, J!D! is in the driveway, strummin’ his guitar, singin’ along, when up pulls a white limo. J!D!’s mom and sister get out. He first falls over backwards, then starts crying them and hugging them. The mom and sister look like each other, but not really like J!D! He ‘jokingly’ asks to borrow fifty bucks. They ‘laugh.’ His mom had three jobs, he dropped sister off at preschool, broken family, heartbreak, parent’s divorce, blabbity-blah. He tells them he was feeling fragmented and he thanks God that they showed up now. He sits with them outside but does not invite them inside or introduce them to the other cast mates.

Interview time. Kirk wants to find out their motivations for being there. Suzie says, ‘Interviews, ugh!’ but knows how important this is. J!D! is up to bat first. Kirk calls him ‘edgy’ and ‘almost dangerous,’ and wants to make sure that when the pressure is on, ‘he’s not going to flip out’ (hang himself from a doorknob). Tim asks J!D! about his cockiness and bravado. J!D! says at first, it was about insecurity and standing out, but now he really does want to be in their band. Jon looks unimpressed. Garry (Garry) asks him about getting along with everyone on tour. J!D! doesn’t think he would cause problems and he sees how they all relate to each other. Tim asks about his family (start the violins). J!D!’s ma and pa split up when he was five and he has a sister. He then happens to have family photos on him and starts showing them to the band. Kirk notes how much his family and fitting in with the INXS family means to J!D! Tim has one more thing. He gives J!D! an envelope with this week’s song selection in it and says they want to hear “Pretty Vegas” again. After the interview he says he regrets nothing and hoped he connected with INXS. Along with the sheet music to ‘Pretty Vegas’ is the music to Pink Floyd’s ‘Money.’ ‘Holy crap!’ says J!D!

Teeny-tiny Mig is up next. Tim says that from the start Mig has seemed like the nicest guy, but he’d like to see more edginess. Tim asks Mig what his history in musical theater is before he was in ‘We Will Rock You.’ He was in ‘Rent,’ ‘West Side Story,’ ‘Grease,’ and ‘The Buddy Holly Story.’ Tim says it may take a bit of work to dilute Mig’s theater side. Tim asks him about bands. Mig was in a band called Randy Badass and the Slick Master Five, The Honkies, and just formed a band called Mignition (groan). INXS laugh politely. Jon tells Mig he’s a really nice guy, but if he was the lead singer of INXS would he be assertive enough? Mig says absolutely and says that his niceness is not a sign of weakness, but him trying to cooperate with everyone. If he became the new lead singer they could trust him to be there always. Mig is not a selfish person, he’s a giving person and he would be honored to be a part of their band. He’s dismissed but Tim still has his doubts that Mig is anything more than just a sweet guy. In Mig’s envelope are ‘Kiss From A Rose’ (what’s more edgy than Seal?) and The Rolling Stones’s ‘Paint it, Black’ (not a typo).

All seven feet of blinding white Marty are up next. Jon remembers Marty wanted to bring a new edge to INXS. How would he apply that to their back catalog? Marty says that first off he has respect for the music but would be telling it in his voice. But now INXS needs to ‘take it to a new level.’ INXS created ‘dance rock’ but now the music world is about singles. Tim notes Marty being forthright on wanting to take them further musically (the shot of INXS as he says this makes them look really old) and admires his self-confidence. Andrew says that when he first saw Marty he thought he was a mad, ‘nervous conductor’ but he doesn’t seem nervous now. Marty likes to be in control, but a patient control. Kirk says that he is clearly thinking about what he and the band should be doing. In his envelope are Radiohead(!)’s ‘Creep’ and his own song, ‘Trees.’

Suzie asks Marty to wish her luck. She’s nervous because this is the first time she’s hung out with INXS ‘intensely together.’ Andrew says he admires her strength and tenacity (yay!) because she’s been in the bottom three so many times (whoops!). Kirk says if she was in their band, everyone will want a piece of you all the time. Is this about her putting out? Does she think this will effect her? Suzie starts off saying everyone has their down days, then her train of thought derails. ‘Wait…I had it…’ Tim noted this nervousness and worried about her in a press conference situation. Jon wants to know where she thinks their musicality is going. She says that right or wrong, she sees them going in the same vein they have been. ‘If it’s not broken, it doesn’t need to be fixed.’ Outside J!D! says no one knows how much he wants this job. Mig notes that they all want this job. We don’t get to see what music Suzie gets. Gee, it’s like she doesn’t matter.

INXS confer with one another. Kirk thinks they saw the real ‘them’ and that they’re all different from each other. Garry (Garry) says that Suzie is ‘hands-down’ the best singer, J!D! is the most riveting personality, Marty has come a long way, and Mig is unique too. Kirk thinks they have a tough job in front of them and is concerned about Suzie’s ability to handle pressure. Andrew thinks she’d need guidance. Kirk also notes that J!D! and Marty are never short of an answer. Andrew is not so sure that J!D! is saying what he means, or if that’s what he wants you to hear. Tim thinks there may not be a difference. Jon sees vulnerability in J!D!’s eyes, and thinks he’s misunderstood. Have these guys never watched the footage from their own show?? Andrew wants to know when the cameras are gone who’s going to stop J!D! playing games with everybody. Garry (Garry) notes Marty and Mig’s focus and dependability. Andrew remembers Mig’s musical theater background as a good thing. Garry (Garry) was surprised that Mig has been in so many (three?) bands and that he doesn’t seem genuine. Jon thinks Mig looks like a rock star, but is Mig a Rock Star? Kirk and Tim both like Marty’s assertiveness. Garry (Garry) thinks Suzie can always fall back on her voice. He also would like Mig to sing an INXS song. Tim likes J!D!’s ‘edge’ and bad boy image, while Kirk thinks he has some issues. Jon thinks if J!D! wasn’t coming out of left field all the time he’d be a fun guy to be around. They are stumped.

At the Rock Haüs Marty sings an acoustic version of ‘Creep’ while we get a montage of J!D! lounging on the couch, Mig at the piano, and Suzie on the treadmill. Which one of these people is not like the others? Can Mig show his darker side? Will Marty prove he’s got what it takes (INXS aren’t into screaming, you know)? Which rocker will escape the bottom three? Why is a raven like a writing desk? These questions will be answered as soon as I can type them.

Over the credits, J!D! tells the other three guys that he had promised them a ‘full moon.’ He then brings out a cake shaped like a naked butt. He gets Suzie to take a bite out of the middle of the center crease. They laugh at how obscene (and anatomically correct) the hole looks, and they laugh that the center is chocolate. Eww. J!D! notes that this week, they all finally got a piece of ass. Also eww. Thank you, Mark Burnett, evil baker.

Performance night! Brooke is recycling a tiny microskirt tonight and is making the front row her gynecologist. Hi INXS! Hi Dave ‘Center Part’ Navarro! He says Brooke looks like an adult superhero. ‘Thanks, Dave, I’ll take it’ she replies robotically. Dave claims that he had such a good time ‘rocking out’ with INXS that he’s going to play with the contestants tonight. Whoo. Recap of last night. Mig felt guilty, Suzie felt honored. J!D! got to see his mom and sister as a reward for getting the encore. They all interviewed with INXS, questions were asked. Everyone was good except Suzie. We finally briefly see that Suzie has Stone Temple Pilots’s ‘Interstate Rock Song.’ Dave asks Marty if he thinks he came off as too controlling. In short, no. Tim respects this and says there are many things they can learn together as a band. Mig has never sung an INXS song, having never been in the bottom three! Is this bad? Mig thinks that the record buying public are making it known that they want him as the new lead singer. Say Suzie, why should INXS pick a female lead singer? She says they should be looking for the best person for the job, not a man or a woman. Where has J!D!’s ‘softer side’ been all season? He claims that he’s always been there, it just took his family to bring it out. Kirk notes that tonight is critical and next week someone will be singing a new INXS song. Just as long as I never have to hear ‘Stop, Go’ ever again.

Suzie is on first and feels she has something to prove, being the only woman left. Suzie comes out to sing ‘Interstate Love Song.’ My sister pointed out that Dave Navarro’s leather pants are exceedingly tight, yet neither, ahem, frank nor beans are on display. I’m guessing he’s tucking (and that he taught Mig how to do it by the looks of things).! At the end of the song Suzie plows into the crowd, still singing, sounding good, making faces at the camera. Good times. She says that we all need to be aware of stuff going on around us, like nature and stuff. Segue into 4 Non Blondes’s ‘What’s Up.’ Ugh. Bleh. She sounds fine, I just hate the song. She asks to see arms. The audience complies. Dave says the audience was so into the second song it was amazing. Garry (Garry) compliments her on her voice and calls her incredible. Tim said she really showed her versatility and that she did a great job of working the crowd.

Time for J!D! and Pink Floyd’s ‘Money.’ I like how the sheet music says ‘moderately with shuffle feet.’ Bleh, first we have that damn ‘Pretty Vegas’ song. Oh, it’s a glitter-covered bullhorn, did he do that himself in the Haüs’s craft corner? Now he’s trying out a new half-split/squat for size. Sadly he doesn’t fall over. He’s playing to the cameras and the audience. He also has a men’s tie on his waist. Segue time. He wants to know how many people in the audience have enough money. Silence, then laughter. How many people wish they had a little more money? Whoo. He makes INXS laugh by asking how many people want a whole (fucking) sack of money. Heh, he curses and wears swears on his shirts! Edgy! ‘Money’ starts and it sounds wrong musically. The bass should be much louder. Also the timing is tricky and he’s not in time on the chorus. Then on the guitar solo he throws a big sack of fake money into the crowd. Not many people bother to go for it. Tool. Dave thought ‘Vegas’ was ‘dope’ and thought he did a great job with ‘Money.’ Tim thought J!D! really pulled it off. Oh and if J!D! has that kind of money to throw around, INXS won’t have to pay him! Har har. Kirk can’t get ‘Vegas’ out of his head. Poor guy.

Marty and his Trash and Vaudeville shirt are on now. He decides to do an upbeat happy ‘Trees.’ It’s an acoustic guitar version with Dave on additional Acoustic guitar. It’s fine, it’s fucking ‘Trees.’ Now on to Radiohead’s ‘Creep.’ It starts out soft but there’s a big loud emotional part right near the end with some really hard notes to hit. Whoever does his eyeliner every week does a very nice job by the look of his close-up. He does a pretty good job of the song and almost gets the hard notes at the end right. Dave says he did a dynamic set. Garry (Garry) says the acoustic ‘Trees’ worked nicely and thought ‘Creep’ was fantastic.

Mig comes on last with his Seal song (I wish it was about fish) and Rolling Stones song. We’re looking for a darker side here. ‘Paint it, Black’ is up first. He does it all quiet with a piano then the instruments all come in. They really make it sound like a Broadway version of the song and Mig’s vocals aren’t helping. After finishing Dave gives Mig the secret handshake of the Tucking guild. ‘Kiss From A Rose’ is up now, and I guess the theme this week is mostly ‘songs Megan hates.’ His voice sounds better on this song, though. Dave thanks Mig for letting him play on ‘Paint it, Black.’ Kirk asks Mig if he’s happy with the song choices this week. By wild coincidence, ‘Black’ just happens to be Mig’s all-time favorite Rolling Stones song! Kirk ‘good on you, mate’s. Garry (Garry) says he wants to hear him sing an INXS song, but he doesn’t think it’s going to be this week. Dave recommends Mig lose his jacket. Mig obeys his Tucking friend. Aw, this is the last performance show. And here’s the early voting results from best to worst: Marty, J!D!, Suzie, and Mig. Good thing he lost the jacket.

On to elimination, as always. Drama! Emotion! Tucking! Vegetables! Millions voted, who will be going home tonight? Hi INXS, Hi Dave. Recap of the recap. Suzie, J!D!, Marty, and Mig sang, sang, sang. And lost a jacket. Who thinks they deserve the encore? Only Mig raises his hand. Oh shoot me, the people out there want to hear ‘Trees’ again. But who will open for Marty? Audience? They choose J!D! He thanks them so much. He asks what song they want to hear. Again, shoot me, they choose ‘Pretty Vegas.’ Bleh. My cat pees on the floor. I wish I was kidding. Now Marty asks the audience (collective I.Q. 60) if they want to hear ‘Trees’ acoustic or electric. They vote for the electric version and he smashes a guitar! Edgy! INXS don’t seem to know how to react to this. Marty sings ‘Trees.’ I look at the clock and my fingernails.

This week’s final top three contestants win their own 2006 Honda Civic and it comes in a hybrid version. Whoo, environmental stuff is so sexy! And edgy! Back to the mansion last night for some self-conscious ‘fun.’ Group hug. J!D! is 100% happy with his performance tonight. Suzie says she was rocking out and nothing feels better. Marty says he reached notes (almost) that he thought he couldn’t do. Cheers to Mig never being in the bottom three. Marty can’t believe one of them is going home.

Dave notes that if one of them has a misstep, they will regret it for a very long time. They must be feeling the pressure, right, Marty? He says it’s tough to know someone is going home tonight, but that’s why all the performances have been phenomenal, because of the pressure. Tim does really like all of them and their performances aren’t making it any easier. Mig, will you be happy if you stay out of the bottom three tonight? Mig says absolutely, he’s on a winning streak. J!D!, you tool, a few weeks back you really sucked but you are much better now. Is this the best of J!D! Fortune!? J!D! says that this experience has helped him grow in the past two months, and that he hopes INXS will find out what he has for the next ten or twenty years. That’s give or take a restraining order. Suzie, since you’ve been in the bottom three five times, how should the others handle it? She says she knows just where to stand on stage, and to give it all you’ve got. She also has a few tricks she’s keeping to herself because she’s going to kick their asses. Mig gives out a big theatrical laugh. Ha HA!

No one thinks they are safe. Last night the top to bottom ranking were Marty, J!D!, Suzie, and Mig. But time passed and other people from other countries voted so things may have changed. Or not. Brooke has the final bottom three, which she’s calling in no particular order. First up is Suzie. Garry asks her to sing ‘Suicide Blonde,’ which I think they’ve given to someone else who ended up going home. Um, not giving anything away here. She sounds fine, she can sing, the song is a sub par INXS number. Garry (Garry) asks her how she’s changed enough to be the lead singer of INXS. She says she went from insecure to really believing in herself and is ready for anything.

Sad guitar of the bottom three. Who’s next? J!D! He has to do ‘By My Side’ which I think Deanna had to sing once (or was it Suzie? One of those blondes). J!D! sings it very Elvis-ish, but still sucking. Being J!D!, he has to squat at least once. What did J!D! learn over these past few months? J!D! says when he got there all he was focused on was being the lead singer of INXS. Then his ‘friends’ (Marty and Mig) woke him up (smacked him around). Suzie shows J!D! where to stand on the side of the stage.

Marty and Mig, Mig and Marty. Who is going on to the finals? Who is in the bottom three? Brooke notes Marty had the encore and Mig has never been in the bottom three. Suspense. Marty is going to the finals, so Mig gets to sing tonight. Mig and his highly disturbing flesh colored leather suit. Talking about tucking, man, Dave must be so proud. Mig has to sing ‘What You Need.’ He sounds pretty good if a little thin. There’s a lot of stomping and a lot of pointing. He rips his shirt open on the middle break part. There’s that edginess! Tim looks mildly amused. Mig finishes on the ground after a big jump. Kirk tells Mig to stop loving the audience. Then he wants to know how Mig feels he has developed over the last ten weeks. Mig came in thinking he was going to kick ass until he saw his competition and his confidence waned. But every week has been trial and error, trying things, and he’s having the time of his life so he feels like he’s already a winner.

It’s INXS’s most grueling elimination yet. No snickering. It’s up to Tim (the mean Farriss) as usual, to drop the axe on someone. It’s been agony on the band! Agony! They are all so talented, but more importantly, one was a little worse than the others. In a week, INXS will be a full band again, so it’s a really hard decision. J!D!? Will be at the finale. Gah. So it’s down to Mig and Suzie. Go, sad piano, go! Suzie is crying already, Mig looks like a wax dummy as usual. Tim drops the axe. Unfortunately, Suzie has a vagina and therefore, is not right for the band INXS. You can tell she knew it was going to happen. There’s a lot of booing in the audience. Even Dave Navarro looks stunned through all his Botox. Mig goes back to the other boys. Suzie thanks INXS for their music, she loves their music and can’t wait to hear more of it. She tells the other performers good luck and tells them to kick ass, and she loves them all. And that’s it. Andrew (the nice Farriss) asks her over for a proper ass-pinching, erm, goodbye.

Well, that’s almost it! RockStar will be going on tour this fall but seeing as my amputation of most of my leg is nigh, I will have to miss it. Wah. Hopefully, my DiVo will be on it’s best behavior and decide to tape the show tomorrow. I shall be out on the town but will recap as soon as possible.

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