Monday, August 01, 2005

'Cause two out of three ain't bad

Again, the strings of suspense greet us along with Brooke Burke- she reminds us that everyone is just one bad performance away from elimination... points out the exceptional performances of Ty (Everybody Hurt), Jordis (Gimme some Lovin') and Marty (Lithium). She introduces the INXS guys, again sitting in the Judgment Banquet. Along with Dave Navaro, who thankfully is not subjecting us to his hairless man-pits. Dave oozes, "You look exceptionally smokin' tonight, Brooke"... I absolutely hate how he plays the whole "Sweetheart, Honey, you look hot, etc. " kind of bullshit with the lady contestants. He might as well be prefacing every statement with "Since I know a woman won't win this, i automatically do not need to show any respect for you, and will instead focus on your f*ckability and lack of underwear wearing." I'd like to see him pull that shit with the guys. At least American Idol doesn't really slant the competition much towards either gender, and they are also way less appearance focused (they tend to poke fun at the outfits or sometimes praise their appearance, but it doesn't have the overlying tone of sleaze that DN puts across... then again I think he'd sound sleazy communicating anything, like ordering fast-food at a drive through window.).

First, DN states that he and the band talked about it the previous night, and he wanted to say that he had been really wrong with how he judged Marty's performance; Marty was actually awesome. DN also feels the need to share with us that he's only been booed twice in his career, and both times were from his previous evening's remarks. I highly doubt you've only been booed twice, you hairless freak.

Marty reprises Lithium, and again does an OK job... he kind of reverts a bit to his own personal style of jerking and twitching during the loud parts of the song. I figured out what these moves remind me of- the guy in the Devo video for (I can't get no) Satisfaction, who spazzes and jerks in place before he throws himself to the floor and starts flipping around in a crazy rock seizure. Please stop doing this, Marty- it really detracts from what you're doing right.

Yes, so, Brooke opens the Envelope of Doom- first she notes that INXS was pretty harsh the previous night towards some of them, and did any of them think they might be ranked in the bottom three? About half the rockers raise their hands; I am not sure if they really think this or are just trying to appear self-effacing. Before Brooke reads the names, she again tells us that these are in no particular order of sucking.

The three about to be losers are: Jessie (she of the Bird Bustier and Because the Night), Daphna (who train-wrecked way hard with Rock the Casbah), and Heather (Butterfly girl, obviously throwing in the towel with her half- hearted rendition of If It Makes You Happy).

One INXS guy notes how much each of them failed to deliver- first noting Jessie was in the bottom three 2 weeks running, reiterating how Daphna destroyed rock the Casbah (she attempts to lighten the criticism by joking that it's a punk song, and punk songs are meant to be murdered... sound of crickets), and Heather's shaky vocal due to illness.

First up is Daphna, who is asked to sing "What you Need". In a sudden surprising gesture, two INXS guys decide to get up and jam with the band through their own songs. K noted during our first viewing that they really don't sound much better playing their own songs than the house band does... I wonder how long it's been since they've gotten on stage and played out? They sure aren't taking any risks by playing on this show.

Daphna tries, but she still is not a very strong singer; I think it's worth considering that a performer can often only rise to the level of their material. She keeps doing this odd way-too-low singing style when she gets to the chorus "That's what... yoooooouuuuu nneeeeedoooooo". Also she has a really unfortunate way of moving- standing with knees apart, and fanning them back and forth (while wearing gauchos, no less). Also, she seems to be downplaying her hotness tonight, which will surely count against her.

Heather's up next- she's asked to sing "By Your Side", a song we really don't remember at all. The INXS guys note that it is a ballad, and will really show off her voice (in other words, we can really hear how limited your range is). Predictably, she really throws away her performance, but I can't blame her since the song kind of sucks and she seems to have resigned herself to the fact that trying to compete for this "chance of a lifetime" is pretty much finished. She's also not playing up her hotness, which will surely count against her.

Then we have Jessica, who is asked to perform Elegantly Wasted, a stupid song if there ever was one. She really is still trying to stay in the competition- she works the stage, singing her best, and most importantly, appears to be wearing no underwear what so ever. A little halter top, a thin red knit skirt, high shiny boots, and slut-red lipstick all say, I'll do anything to stay, even flash my cooter to the audience.

So, after the break, Jessie is indeed told she is safe for another week (see? Am I not right?). She smiles and exits the stage, no doubt to go blow DN on the side banquet. We're left with Daphna and Heather, who do the girl thing and hold hands. The INXS guys note that although Daphna worked the stage well (if you're into crickets) but her vocal was still pretty shaky. Then one of the guys states that Heather seems to have given up already- she shrugs; why do I think she's giving the finger to the band in her not-held hand. Then, the verdict- the INXS guys say, they've talked, and neither of them is right for the band, and they're both out. Daphna immediately gets tears in her eyes, which seem genuine, and Heather stays pretty expressionless. They hug.

We get sight of the other contestants, who look really horrified and immediately start competing for who can carry on most and get camera attention. Except of course, our leper, J!D! Fortune. Wow, the other rockers are really hating on him, but he is indeed hate-worthy. When asked for a reaction, DN stammers out how shocked he is with the band's decision... I find this pretty funny because it finally shows us that DN has nothing to do with the judging process, begging the question, why are you here, DN? Doesn't anyone want to come out and play with you anymore?

DN asks if either girl wants to say anything to the band- Daphna says she's been bought up right and so accepts this graciously; she's now going to go home and try to support her Mom. GUILT TRIP!!!!! Heather says thanks anyway; she's going home to build a monster SUV, throw her dogs and Guit' pedals in the back, and take off across the USA. Good for you, Heather- I like how she just checked out at some point, knowing this whole thing is a huge embarrassing farce (their being given the chance to what, cover iNXS songs? For no doubt a fairly limited amount of time, and probably very little money).

Again, the other rockers compete to show who can make the biggest spectacle of themselves as the show closes. I'm sure we'll be in for some major hysteria tonight in the rock mansion, as they gather around the Table of Sensible Snacks. Can't wait!

G'day, Sheilas and Mates~

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