Sunday, July 31, 2005

I'm in love with my car

I am sorry to be delinquent in writing a recap for the performance episode for "Rock Star"- things have been a bit crazy at home and to be honest, this week's show was... really boring. However, we did see the return of Dave Navaro- I didn't point it out, but Monday's episode was completely 100% Navaro free! Having him back on the show gives me the same feeling that I get when I see the wart of the bottom of my foot- it's really disgusting, I know it will go away eventually but in the meantime it really makes me sick to look at... so, I'm going to try to make sure I give a quote from Dave for every performance. Just in case you missed all that he brings to the Rock table.

Brook Burke appears & does her usual "Are you ready to rock/the games is on/competition is heating up/a performance away from elimination!!". The crowd goes wild- gee, do you think that free drinks are given to the audience? She introduces the INXS guys in their power banquet off to the side, with Dave Navaro- he raises his arm and does that stupid devil finger horns gesture (new drinking game- take a shot whenever he does this with his hand- guaranteed to waste you by the end of the show). Horrible sight- his totally hair free pits! This looks just plain wrong on a man. And Dave, you are not Man enough to try to pull this off.

Jordis- "Gimme Some Lovin"-
With the exception of her irritating "Alright! Are you ready to sing along with me.." thing she does w/the audience, she does really quite well with this song. I still say that a woman will not win this show, but she's definitely one of the better singers... Does less thrashing about, no doubt having learned from the "Stagecraft" bitch session.
Stupid Dave comment- "You dropped a line in the beginning... but WHO CARES?" throws hands in air & the pits appear again.

Suzy- "Superstitious"
She walks out, screams, "Let's get funky!!!", then proceeds to do the opposite. Sorry, Suzy, but I was reminded of when I was in Columbus, Ohio, years ago and heard an all-white "Blues band" at a bar.. so seriously not funky. She keeps popping out her eyes in a bad way when she gets to the word "Superstitious" in the song. Please stop acting out on the songs....
Stupid Dave comment- "You look hot!"

Jessica- "Because the night"
She walks onto stage in a bustier made from a large bird, perhaps a turkey. She sings OK, but does this weird yodeling inflection during parts of the song. Pretty dull, made me realize how embedded the Patti Smith version is in my head- anyone else singing it sounds like a bad karaoke night.
Stupid Dave comment- "I took you way more seriously when you stood still."

IMPORTANT NOTE! Tonight, we have the first appearance of the word "Pitchy", which is a staple of American Idol.

Mig- "Lola"
He rearranges the song to try to be way funky- when K watched with me the other night, he totally cringed at the guys wa-wa pedal playing- and K knows his Wa. I finally realize who Mig looks like- one of the Monkees (pop group) especially wearing a silly military style jacket over a bare chest. When he says, "I got down on my knees" he does fall right to his knees, and there is a quite spontaneous screeee!!! from the girls. You go, Mig.
Stupid Dave comment- "I don't know where to start man, I have so many things to say to you..." which really means, I hate you. It's the same sort of stalling thing Paula Abdul says on AI when she hates one of the girls and can't really say that. C'mon guys, just whip 'em out already.
One of the INXS dudes says, "I'd like you to show more abandon... like if you had a half a bottle of vodka..." Oh really? Where'd the other half go?

Brandon- "Tempted"
Very bad, he looks way uncomfortable. maybe because he's finally wearing shoes? Can't quite hit the notes. Does the dumb "How're you doin'" kind of lounge singer thing.
Stupid Dave comment- "You're a guy who can look awesome in a white belt"

Ty- "Everybody hurts"
And we do. At least, I do. I HATE this song. Brooke tells us this is Ty's attempt to prove he's "the whole package".
I don't want to think about Ty's package. He shouldn't sit with his shirt unbuttoned, bad abs. The crowd does the swaying back & forth hand thing, a la "Purple Rain"
Stupid Dave comment- "I think I just saw someone who wants to be a member of INXS!"

Heather- "If it makes you happy"
Let's face it, like her or not, Sheryl Crow is a very good singer. Heather is not. The Butterfly girl goes down in flames; finally, we recognize substance over style wins. She blames it on being sick.
Stupid Dave comment- "I've got to be honest, honey- I'm used to feeling this Atlanta heat from you, and I just didn't feel it tonight".

J!D!- "We are the champions"
Yes, it's just as bad as we hoped for... before he begins, Brooke chirps, "Game on!". Game over right from the start- he sings waaaay low, K asks, Is this the Sisters of Mercy version? He misses most of the notes, does a weird hand circling bow when he sings "my friends", gives up and lets the audience sing one line, and simply mouths, "of the world". J!D! jumps off stage at the end and hugs some girl, bounces back up and very emotionally tells us how moved he is because it's he sister he hasn't seen in years- dude, you lived in your car- could you not have driven over some time?
Stupid Dave Comment- "While J!D!s givin' the love, huge props to the house band!"
J!D! say in response to the song choice not being humble (We are the Champions after being told he's cocky), he snivels, I chose it because we all are the champions! while gesturing to the other contestants. They shoot him withering looks. They are not buying it. BTW, while he train-wrecked w/the song, the editors had fun showing us reaction shots of the other contestants.... schadenfreude, anyone?

Deanna- "Give a little bit"
This woman bores the shit out of me. I got nothing.
Stupid Dave comment- "I think you have something really special"... sheesh, even he's bored.

Daphna- "Rock the Casbah"
She destroys this song. Also wears a long white floaty dress, black leather gloves and once again, gi-normous earrings. So painful to watch- even the band hates her- they are sounding like shit, and you know I'm totally on their side.
Stupid Dave comment- "Here's the good news- you look awesome!"

Tara- "Suffragette City"
She sings... alright. Again, I just can't bring myself to disassociate this song from Mr. Bowie. She's wearing an odd combo of pantsuit and bra, ends song with an awkward hip-thrust pose, should not have done the part of the song "Wham Bam thank you ma'am!". Sounds wrong from a woman.
Stupid Dave comment-"Thanks, sweetheart... Suffragette City is a song full of energy and angst, attitude- your performance was a little cute for me..."

Marty- "Lithium"
Marty does a pretty okay job with this- Brooke points out the sacredness of Nirvana's music to Dave Navaro. Can someone tell me what his connection to them was? I imagine him as following them around wanting to be hanging with the cool guys... he survived, Nirvana did not. I am reminded of Salieri at the end of Amadeus, when he is taken away to the madhouse, screaming about the triumph of mediocrity. Dave, thou art Salieri.
Stupid Dave comment- "Great performance!"
Stupid Marty comment- "I did it for you!"

Will do results show as soon as I can...

"That's not a knife! ...This is a knife!" Sheila, I am running out of Australian slang... soon I'll be reduced to quoting "Men at Work" songs.


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