Now I'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab

Folks, because S, the usual awesome recapper of RockStar:INXS is off getting married this week (I'm gaining a brother-in-law!), the most recent episodes of the show will be recapped by yours truly. I didn't take notes last night and some of the names of the people I can't remember, so please forgive holes in the narrative.

There's a beginning of the show and everyone is doing the sad thing because Tara is off the show. To no one's surprise, everyone is handling the pain of this loss with drinking and vegetables. People jostle for screen time trying to act the most devastated. Ty grabs the crown by playing the race card, sobbing about how few successful black performers there have been in rock and roll (Little Richard? Chuck Berry? Ike Turner?) and how the odds are against him winning. The contestants look mildly embarassed and chew their vegetables. Mig makes some half-hearted attempt at connecting by saying he's the only Australian there so he knows how Ty feels. Wow, Australian is the new black, you heard it on RockStar!

Everyone loves Jordis and her fifty pounds of hair! It's her birthday! Here's her boyfriend, who is dwarfed by her hair.

Next day, they all go to the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood where Dave 'Wax on-Wax off' Navarro and one of the Farriss brothers await. Today's rock clinic is going to be about dealing with the press. When you are a public figure in a rock band, you have to do constant press, so it's a big interview-a-rama for the contestants. And plus? All that is said will reach the public. There seem to be only four or five journalists, most of whom are from something like, 'The Tumbleweed Daily Tribune'. The only celeb publication I had heard of was Star Magazine. Naturally, the woman from Star tries to get them all to dish the dirt about who is the least liked in the house. All but Mig decline to take the bait. Mig hems and haws and finally admits J! D! Fortune! (hey, that is fun to type!) is the least popular. Star Magazine woman then tells J! D! that everyone hates him, how does that make him feel? He looks mildly surprised at this and claims to be only misunderstood. He also looks a lot like one of the Coreys. He then tells the camera that sometimes after hearing stuff like this, he just wants to be a total bad boy and screw over the other contestants.

Some other journalist asks what their first memory of INXS was. Marty says it was when he was thirteen years old. Some blond skank says the same. Ty gays that a lot of firsts for him happened to INXS music and my gag reflex fails to kick in. Unlike Ty's. Then the journalist asks Ty what his favorite album of INXS is. He says 'Kick' when the journalist swiftly adds, 'but not Kick. What else do you like of theirs? What's your favorite song off of 'Shabooh Shoobah'? Ty flails and finally admits he doesn't really know all their material by album. Brandon is asked something about Australia. He says he knows a lot about Australia because when he was a teenager? He totally played hockey in Australia etc etc etc. Some blonde is asked what would she choose to do, perform with INXS or go to the funeral of a close family member? She actually seems taken aback by this. She finally hedges her bets and says she's try to do both. Because you can't spell 'funeral' without FUN. Or is that just me?

Greatfully for us at home, it ends and Farriss-dude and Dave N. come to give their scores or whatever it is they give them. Brandon is called out for babbling too much. Ty is commended (!) for being honest and saying that he didn't know what songs were on what albums. Dave N. admits when he was first in the Chili Peppers, he didn't know all the songs or what album they were on (which I bet they were really happy to find that out). Dave N. was also surprised about how many people weren't sure if they would go to their family's funeral or play a gig. In one of the least surprising statements yet, Dave N. says he's cancelled appearances because of a sore throat. So that makes the contestants...liars? Bloodthirsty? Parent-haters?? Good band members??? We'll never know.

Back to Casa De Rock. Also back to drinking. And this time (unlike the other times?) people get wasted. Brandon puts a cig in his mouth and says something clever, like 'Oh, look at me, I'm the singer from INXS!' Oscar Wilde rolls in his grave. Boy, don't start the party without Brandon. People laugh, smoke and drinkdrinkdrink. Next day? Same day during a solar eclipse? The new songs are out! Song titles flash by. 'Crazy' (not Patsy Cline's but Seal's), 'No Woman No Cry' (one guess who snatches this one up and says it would be an honor to perform the song. A song by another unsuccessful black rock star, hmm?), 'Losing My Religion'. Suzie takes 'Religion' and tells J!D! that she wants to perform the song in a three-part a capella harmony(!) J!D! actually encourages this idea and adds a trip-hop/human beat box sound to go along with it. She says he shouldn't be helping her and he simpers, 'but I love you'. Geez, one minute he's mister-bad-boy-screw-the-other-contestants the next minute he loves them? Someone here don't have a strategy to stand on. J!D! also admits he plans on doing the same thing with 'Come As You Are' (Nirvana). So he's going to symbolically shoot it full of heroin and shoot it in the head? But uh-oh, Jessica also wants the song (no telling what she'd do with it).

Conflict! Or what passes for it. It boils down to this - Jess and J!D! go head to head in who wants it more. Jessica says she's been in the bottom twice now and needs this risk. J!D! claims he does too. Jessica reminds him when he tried to be risky with 'We Are the Champions' he totally sucked, nothing personal. Personal is how he takes it though. He gets his panties in a twist and says she can have the song and he'll just take whatever is left over. The smallest violin in the world starts playing.

Mig plays the nice guy and says J!D! can have 'Crazy' instead of him. Aww. J!D! has a relating moment with Mig out by the pool. Is anyone at all surprised that J!D! is a 'hey, I really love you guys I can relate to you sooo much' drunk guy? He tells Mig some story, the punchline of which is, 'because sometimes we're just...' and puts his forearms on top of each other. His left arm on top has tattooed on it, 'being' and his right arm is tattooed, 'human'. Then he says, 'but we're always...' and puts his hands knuckle to knuckle so his arms now read, 'human being'. He must have been waiting days! Nay, weeks! to pull that line on somebody. Too bad he couldn't use it to con one of the unwearless skanks on the show into bed.

New day, time for rehearsals with the unluckiest house band ever. Jessica admits she's pretty hung over. The house band disapproves! How unprofessional! Drunk, stupid, and underwearless is no way to go through life, Jess. They rehearse, she supposedly sounds bad, but we never really hear very much of it. Marty comes in to go through The Killers's "Mister Brightside". The band is impressed, he really knows what he wants with the song. That would be more 'boom boom BAP' from the drummer. Good choice, Mart. Finally Suzie comes in to do 'Religion'. Defying the laws of physics she manages to both suck and blow. The band politely question the direction she wants to take the song but she stands firm. A capella/trip-hop/barbershop quartet it is.

So what have we learned about being a RockStar this week? Don't admit to things you don't know! Don't rehearse hungover! Canceling a concert because of a sore throat is fine! I have a better memory then I thought! On to tonight's show....