Iiiiiit's Tuesday night and that can only mean another 'exciting' performance night on RockStar:INXS. So without further ado, not to mention the fact that I don't have anything else with which to make ado, let's hit the stage. Brooke Burke walks onstage and has forgotten her pants and instead is wearing a metal garland around her hips. The ‘skirt’ sways to and fro like there’s some kind of breeze coming from down there. Dave 'Greasy Kid Stuff' Navarro has an excellent view of her crotch and approves heartily. Hi INXS! Hi Dave! Let's go.
Suzie has 'Losing My Religion' by REM. She's rearranged the song from a painfully earnest i'm-totally-closeted thing into a nu-metal mish-mosh. She's sporting a tan shirt-jacket, very wide leg pants and of course, red fingerless satin gloves, no doubt from the Dave Navarro collection. She pretty much shouts her way on-key through the song, making good use of her diaphram muscles. I wasn't impressed by her loud sounds but apparently I'm totally wrong. Dave N. says, 'Game on, right?'. The game of rock? Shouting? He calls her vocals 'Insane! Great!!' I'd agree with one of the two. INXS guy Garry asks her if that was her arrangement and she says yes but J!D! helped her with it. Cut to J.D. trying to look humble? Or gassy, one or the other. Gary says it was her best performance yet. INXS guy Kirk lays on the corn by saying 'if that was just a dream, I don't want to wake up'. Gah. She is surprised and super-happy and returns to the Peanut Gallery.
Next up we have Mig. If you recall from the last episode, Mig generously gave Seal's 'Crazy' to J!D! and said he'd take whatever was left over. He further interviews that this is the second time he's been stuck with a song that he didn't want. He ends up performing Free's 'All Right Now' and if this is the song he didn't want, he doesn't have any ear for what songs highlight his vocals. It's a Stupid Rock classic with a very simple chord progression, originally sung by Paul Rodgers, who coincidentally is on tour with Queen right now, filling in for the departed Freddie Mercury. Last week Mig was great singing Queen's 'We Will Rock You', so I think now he should have a bracelet made that says "WWPRD" standing for 'What would Paul Rodgers do?" Mig is nearly shirtless but wears a tie/scarf and has tiny stripey trousers accenting his stage romping and hip wiggling. Facially he looks a little detatched but makes up for it by moving around the stage and hitting almost all of his hard notes. In all, a very good Rock performance. Dave N. says he was 'awesome and sang that song great', but notes that Mig gives up his first choice of song often. He reminds Mig that it's a competition and tells him to 'fight for the song you really want to do next time.' Kirk admits Tim and he used to play that song together when they first got together and wishes that Mig 'had been around to have sung that song instead of me.' Tim agrees that he was great rocking out but says he would like to have him tackle a ballad next time around. Dave N. agrees and says that 'it's time to make us weep.' With pleasure and not pain, one would assume. So in short, Mig rocked.
Now it's time for J!D! Fortune! with Seal's 'Crazy' I don't know what got into him, but he's shaved all his hair down to about a quarter-inch and is wearing tan pants and a red t-shirt that he's written in Sharpie 'absent'. Silly rabbit, Sharpie shirts are so 1994. He interviews that he knows he hasn't hit his potential yet and must do better and stronger performances. Too bad about this week then. At first he's totally mush-mouthing the vocals so the first line sounds like, 'ah wha the sa ta buh say bot-tay, yeah' like Pootie-Tang karaoke. He's holding the mike stand with his left hand and keeps fluttering and spasming his right hand to signify 'craziness'. Instead it reminds me of 'Evil Dead 2' when Ash's hand becomes possessed and starts attacking him. He's off-key and weak and then off-key and shouty. His teeth are bared like he's ready to bite someone. Not good at all. Dave N. kindly says the song was a very ambitious choice and claims he did a great job. Cut to Mig looking non-plussed. Tim was glad he didn't actually physically go crazy during the song like some of his past performances and calls him on his pitchiness. Dave thanks him and that's it for J!D! A pretty underwhelming performance overall. Actually, it’s was more like a whelming performance.
Up to bat now is underwearless Jessica. Brooke notes she's been in the elimination bottom two (Elimination. Two. Bottom. Hee heeee) for the past two weeks. She's doing 'Come As You Are' by Nirvana. She has on a leather jacket that shows off her belly and black bell-bottoms that need hemming. She's singing ala Kelly Clarkson more than Kurt C., which is not a good thing. She also keeps pronouncing words funny like 'cyome as you are' and 'yas a friend, yas a known enemyyuh', like today's RockStar:INXS was brought to you by the letter Y and the number 2. Wow, on one of her off-notes they cut to one of the INXS guys who flinches. Not convincing, like someone who isn't really feeling it and just thinks by looking intensely at nothing they'll fool everyone. Dave N. starts off saying that this is the best she's looked ever and wants to know why she fought so intently for this song? She says it really fits her personality. Dave N. says the audience 'seemed to respond' which isn't saying much. Sort of like 'air is necessary' and 'night is dark'. However! He didn't feel passion coming from her performance. Jess is surprised. Garry (the flincher) agrees and says you can't replace 'passion with some slick moves' but that she looks ready for a blowjob, er, GREAT I mean great, she looks great. Jessica doesn't take this well and pouts that she really put her heart into it. Jon counters that if she's really feeling that passionate and it's not coming across then he doesn't know how to make that change for her. Yeow. So thumbs down on Jessica.
Time for Jordis and Eric Clapton's 'Layla'. She says she's the youngest one in the house. That is one old-looking twenty-three year old. I had her pegged at thirty at least. Must be the Rock and Roll lifestyle. Anyhoo. The outfit is a black bustier, black shrug, long black skirt and a rhinestone necktie. Her voice is good but not very powerful although she's able to hit the tricky high note at the end of the chorus. Also, for a song about unrequited love, she’s got a quite casual attitude. Overall she's good but not as great as she was last week. Dave N. first off says the house band is 'the bomb, son'. For anyone over the age of thirty, that means he likes them. He adds that this wasn't her strongest performance but that she takes risks and that's important for this competition. Kirk agrees but adds it's still going to be awhile before they see her perform an INXS song, i.e. in the bottom three. Cut to Jessica looking sad.
Brandon is on stage now and he interviews that he needs to find out who Brendan Calhoun is and claims with this song, we're going to see the whole 'shmegeggy'. Uh, yeah dude. I think pennecilin can clear that up now. The song is The Rolling Stones's 'It's All Over Now'. The outfit is jeans, white shirt blue vest and a fedora crammed down on his head. Instead of a British soul shakedown it sounds like an Allman Brothers song the way Brandon does it. His moving is just hopping up and down on his toes really fast alternating with winging out his legs. He muffs a lot of this last note but INXS seems to like it or is simply amused. Dave N. says everytime he does a song with a bluesy vibe, he excells, but he'd like to hear him do something different. Garry loves The Stones, loves (!) Brandon Calhoun but when you 'put the two of them together I wasn't thinking INXS'. This makes Brandon bust out with some Southern nonsense to the audience about them needing him and is met with mild indifference. Kirk notes that he's awesome at what he does, but INXS's music is really diverse and he worries about how that fits in with them. Dave N. finishes off by commending Brandon on him taking the band's critisism so well. Cut to Jessica’s sour puss yet again. Brandon nonsenses saying 'it's rock and roll baby, it's a beautiful thing.' What. Ev. Er.
It's Marty now with The Killers's 'Mister Brightside', a song that immediately makes me turn the channel or station when I hear it. Oh dear. Ten minutes before the show aired Marty decided he didn't need the band and was going to perform it himself with only an acoustic guitar. I really can't look at him without thinking he looks like Rick Springfield with an Andy Warhol wig. He throws in a bit of a British accent on some of his words for some reason. Does he not know that The Killers are from Las Vegas (useless fact #19340)? So he's strummy and singing and it's okay. The clothes are a black jacket and white pants for a change. Dave N. thinks he was awesome and made a 'great choice'. Cut to J!D! looking worried. Dave continues that Marty doesn't always hit all the notes but that being a Rock Star isn't about hitting all the notes! Wha?? It's about intangible magnetism! And Marty (I keep typing Mary) has it. So says Dave, not me. Tim agrees with Dave. Jon says he's on the right track. Hooray for Marty and his strummin' magnetic guitar skills!
Time for Deanna, who last week got in the band's collective face while she sang her song. This week she's taking on 'Long Train Running' by the Doobie Brothers. Another song that normally makes me change the station. She's wearing a super-tight brocade asian-style dress over black pants and a long clip-on blonde fall. She has a good loud voice although she's doing what they call in soul singing 'cornbread', a lot of overly throaty notes. She's up on the drum riser for most of the song, the better for us to see her. She's adding a lot of 'uh!', 'hey!' and 'people!' to the song. She's interacting with the audience from the stage and really sells the last notes for all they are worth. Dave N. asks if it is possible for her to look hotter and hotter as the weeks go by? He also notes her interaction with the band and the chemistry between them, and calls it a 'killer performance'. Jon says she's a great rock singer but that she tends to oversing a little bit. Tim agrees. Kirk wants to hear her doing something without belting it out for a change. He suggests an all-acoustic week, which is not a bad idea if it is really his idea and not Mark Burnett's.
Ty time! He says he felt defeated last week but this week he got ‘No Woman No Cry’ by Bob Marley which talks about feeling defeated but rising above. This week Ty modestly has his Mohawk pasted down on his head, a olive hoodie jacket, black shirt and yes, black pants. I think they should try to do a black pant free week. So Ty sings very well and cuts out the theatrics for a change. J!D! tries for extra camera time for doing a slow boogie to the song. The crowd and INXS are all really into the song. Sadly, Ty totally gives in at the end and melismas the last note, adding seven or eight extra syllables to ‘cry’. Dave N. knows Ty felt defeated last week but he’s totally redeemed himself. Ty admits sometimes you need what he went through. Dave thought he was ‘awesome’ (This show should also try to have a week without the word ‘awesome’ in it) and was full of real passion. Tim says he’s a guy who really can sing and to keep it up. Garry calls it the most soulful performance he’s seen so far by anyone. Cut to Suzie looking glum.
And that’s it! But wait, Brooke Burke is going to give some early voting results! The present bottom three are Jessica, Brandon, and Deanna. Will everything change tomorrow? See you whenever I can get the next recap together.