Wednesday, July 27, 2005

With a name like Constantine

.. you know it's going to suck!

Things we learned by watching "Constantine" (the Keanu Reeves feature film, not the American Idol contestant):

- Angels can say the "F" word and not get fired by Our Lord the father.
- Cats are good.
- There's a "Sword of Destiny" that gives one the power to rule over all others + Heaven and Hell, I suppose... This is not to be confused with the One Ring to Rule them All, or the "Green Sword of Destiny".
- Once you have the Sword of Destiny, you are able to get hit by a car and hurt the car, not yourself. Also, you'll have the magical ability to knock over cows without touching them- they simply fall down when you approach.
- Entering Hell is easy! All you need is a cat, and a roasting pan full of water (this is how Keanu did it- Rachel Weisz had a slight variation on this, will explain). Sit in a chair, step into the water-filled roasting pan, fully clothed, and yes, you can wear your shoes in Hell! Hold the kitty firmly on your knees, facing you, and stare into deep into its eyes. Pretty soon, you'll look up and be right there in Hell.
- To enter Hell (if you're a regular Jane or Joe, not Constantine) you need to have a bathtub full of water. Get in the bath, again fully clothed, and let someone hold you down in the water until you begin to struggle and drown. Pretty soon, you'll look up and be right there in Hell.
- It's best to go to an Exorcism with a keyring full of various religious talismans, as you never really know what the demon might respond to.
- Demons will leave the person they are possessing if you yell at them loudly enough, and will get trapped in a mirror if you hold it right above the possess-ee. Toss the mirror out the window, and voila! No more pesky demon.
- Usually suicides go right to Hell, no questions asked. But sometimes God will just toss you back on Earth, and this can make you really cranky.
- People in the world of Constantine dress mighty like people in the Matrix dressed. They also seem to have the same weather patterns- lots of rain.
- Much like the Egyptian spirits in "The Mummy", demons can appear in the form of massive swarms of bugs. They don't so much kill you as annoy you so that you get distracted enough to run into oncoming traffic. But this can be okay, because you know what happens when bugs and oncoming windshields collide- splat!
- Seems that land crabs like to hang with the demon insect gang and jump into the swarm too.
- There's always an under worldly bar/nightclub when demons & assorted freaky people with glowing eyeballs hang out and act decadent.
- Constantine, who has the ability to slay demons, can't get anything nicer to ride around in than a taxi cab. However, being able to always have a taxi there when you need one is definitely a special power.
- Yep, what we thought all along- Gavin Rossdale is half-demon.
I give up... I didn't learn much, if you couldn't tell. Um, I did also learn that Keanu Reeves can have a sedative effect on me!
xox S.

1 comment:

Yee said...

Constantine is a DC Comics Vertigo character - it was much better drawn in the comic book. They changed it of course for the movie. Constantine is a drunk cynical Englishman who smokes too much and has the ability/curse to see demons. The graphic novels are good - check out "HellBlazer".