Friday, July 22, 2005

Their fancy pants I snatch 'cause I've had it

I'm not an addict, fiending for static
I see their tape recorder and I grab it
No you can't have it back, silly rabbit.

(Rockstar:INXS recap by S)

I finally made it through the "Style Challenge" performance episode- thanks to the DVR which taped it while I was not aware it was on... busy little machine, giving me the twinkly red eye of mischief! First, I will lay out my credentials for evaluating the particular show (I'm kind of ignoring the actual performances to instead focus on the style choices of the contestants, since the otherwise pointless Monday show was supposed to be about that terrifying "style clinic"- let's see what the kids learned!). So yes, I am highly qualified to critique "style" being that I am an actual designer of clothing and have a good eye for what works and what doesn't- I'm so used to knowing what I like and also being around people who have good style of their own, I had a hard time understanding why this was such a challenge for these people. I forget that some people are genuinely confused about clothes, accessories, and what is flattering or not...

Okay, let's all remember that once you're a famous rock star, you generally have a STYLIST do that shit for you.
I will make a blanket statement that all of the contestants seemed to be dressed in "rocker" outfits for a dress-up party (So what are you going to go as? Dude, I'm going as a rocker!). Nary a shred of originality was displayed- there were several trends that kept appearing over and over, like studded leather cuff bracelets, long dangly chains galore, big silver studded black leather belts, jeans (duh), anything in leather. BTW, INXS was wearing a veritable rainbow of leather jackets! Looks like North Beach Leather had a dead stock sale... Dave N was again without a shirt, but had a ginormous beige fur collar attached to... something. The fur extended to his shoulders so we couldn't really see what was under it (god, I hope something was under it!). So, you can now picture the scene- on with the show...

Brooke Burke appears and reads her cue cards with rockin' enthusiasm... she is wearing a white wifebeater with a black bra to show us her deep understanding of the rock style. There's a boring little summary of what happened on Monday, and I already went over it... show the table of vegetables, again. I will now summarize the style choices- there are no winners here, so I give no ratings system. I will note song choices, but I ignored the performing a bit so I could write notes on the clothing... there are some horrible highlights I need to share. Sometimes when we share, it lets out the negative feelings, and the anger and sadness no longer have power over you and your interactions with others. I learned that in therapy. Onwards and downwards!

Bonus question- who makes up these song selections? Mr. Shuffle McRandom? Brian Adams and Black Sabbath do not exist in the same universe.

Marty- "What I Like About You"
Marty's outfit consists of a distressed black leather jacket, gray teeshirt, gray low trousers, and a red necktie, just hanging around his neck. Maybe he was trying to go for an ascot? He left very little impression on me; there was some bad dancing, hunch-walking around the stage, and much hand-hovering in the crotch area. Stop that, guys! I've cracked the code- when DN and INXS say to the performers, "You really work the stage" they mean "Your dancing sucks!". Or, if "energy" is mentioned, same thing. You're a total spazz.

Daphna- "I hate myself for Loving you"
Daphna, Axl wants his bandanna back! Daphna's style seems to consist of the challenge, "How much crap can i put on my head?". Yes, Daphna never met an accessory she didn't like. Feather earrings, aforementioned Bandanna, earrings aplenty, a big fake black rose stuck in one ear, ugh. There's a beige crochet camisole w/the requisite black bra (black bras totally rock!). Then, there are the pants. Huge, shiny, wide, low black leather bell bottom pants... a great visual of why you need to be heroin sick thin to be properly rocking the leather pant thing- they are unforgiving on any hip size above average, and Daphna is sporting might wide hips. She's business class, alright (needs the bigger seat! Hee...). The light shines off them and these big shiny poorly fitting pants are looking too low and then she squats. On the stage. Over and over.

Ty- "Somebody Told Me"
Ty, Ty, didn't anyone ever tell you that cropped pants are not ROCK? Barneys Coop in Chelsea yes, but not rock. Ty is proudly showing us his waxed chest and man nipples, festooned with silver jewelry & dog tags. There are 4 long chains hanging down from his pant waist, they swing about and I worry about him putting out someone's eye. His mohawk is sharply separated into 4 distinct points. He pouts when the guys don't rave over his performance... DN actually snarks "You have alot of theatre experience, don't you?" (translate- you're a total trouser pilot, aren't you?). I forgot to mention that in the first episode, TY says he loves Vernon Reid- do you think maybe he was prompted to say this b/c they couldn't think of any other African American people in rock bands?

Susie- "Roxanne"
God, put this girl out of her misery and get her off the show! She's a disaster- it doesn't help that the song arrangements are really awful, they can't sing the full song b/c of time, but her edit consists of her screaming the chorus over and over- "Roxanne! You don't have to put on the red light! Roxanne! You don't have to put on the red light! Put on the red light! Put on the red light!... sigh. She's sporting huge earrings and is wearing a denim mini over a plum colored dress. I have the word "Boring" underlined 5 times on my notepad.

Mig- "Walk this way"
Stripey shirt, all unbuttoned to show his waxed chest (does anyone just have a hairy chest anymore?), a festive choker 'round his neck, combed forward hair is an improvement but his skull is still disturbingly light-bulb like, dangerously low jeans with careful slashes on his man thighs, and a skinny chain mail tie around his neck. That's right, one of those necklaces shaped like a long skinny tie. They tried to create some suspense on monday b/c "Walk this way" had so many words (quote from Mig, "There are alot of words in this song!"). As K noted, Steve Tyler could get through it while totally smacked out, which is what you do in a band- you rehearse things to death so you can go out and play while you're totally high, drunk, or both! We're all learning here.

Neil "The summer of '69"
Neil has a pretty face and nice hair, but cannot sing for shit. Worse, he comes out with a guitar and plays maybe 2 riffs, then just uses it as a prop for the rest of the time. I get it- it's his accessory choice! Otherwise, he's a vision in denim- a sleeveless denim vest unbuttoned (again with the chest wax!) and giant patchwork studded bell bottom jeans. They show DN answering his phone, and he yells, "Dude! Lenny Kravitz wants his giant patchwork studded bell bottom jeans back!". If only that was true...

Heather- "It's only rock 'n roll"
Peachy chiffon & satin kimono thing a la Stevie Nicks gets tossed off immediately- she is wearing a green camisole with a brocade waist cinch corset, low rise jeans, and that damn studded black belt. Nothing much interesting here, but I'd like to point out the line in the song "Suicide right on the stage"... shouldn't they avoid songs that mention suicide?

Jay D- "One hand in my pocket"
A black button down shirt with only the collar button done (like a fly-away shirt!), dangerously low jeans, and we can clearly see that Jay D has a really big, long, obvious TIE (bet you thought I was going to say something else). Again with the tie swinging free over the waxed chest! Have these men hit puberty? Okay, I have to mention this- in the song, there's a line that goes "... I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is making a peace sign"- and yes, he makes a "putting hand in pocket" gesture, and indeed raises his other hand with a peace sign. Jay D, go gas up that car you were living in.

Tara- "Paranoid"
AAAArrrgghh!!! This was soooo painful to watch. Knee high leather boots, red leather fingerless gloves, teased to all hell red & black hair, studs and chains, and a very very tight denim mini dress that buttoned up the front but was unbuttoned UP TO HER CROTCH!! And she kept doing this sprawled leg squatting bump & grind, there was danger of us getting major snatch-cam. I was waiting for someone to poke a rolled dollar up there. Funny moment- she gets up in front of one house band guitarist and does this "I'm so sexy dip & sway & pretend kiss" and he does not react at all, just looks mildly forward playing "Paranoid" and you know he's all " Do not react! Do not make eye contact! Maybe she'll go away if I just ignore her...". Oh yes- she makes a "crazy" face with the song lyric "think I'll lose my mind".

Deanna- "The one I love"
Black leather pants, halter corset thingy, lots of crimped blond hair, she keeps going yyyyeeeeeaaahh and UUUuuurrrrr.... I hit the fast forward, I'm sorry.

Jordis- Some Stupid Hoobastank song
Jordis has dreadlocks (she's a white girl) and they are so large, I can't see her neck or shoulders... very "Battlefield Earth". Huge black bell bottom pants, unflattering sleeveless sheer top, elbow length fingerless gloves. Oh, Jordis? Little Steven wants his head scarf back.

Jessica- "Purple Haze"
Black triangle halter bikini top, extremely low rise jeans (I am so sick of typing that), that goddamn studded belt again, and a oddly prim hairdo (a little pulled back ponytail hold back the top of her hear, neatly teased & combed back). She keeps grabbing her crotch and inner thigh area. Did I mention how people keep doing this squatting creeping "prowling" kind of walk around the stage? It's really bad.

Brandon- "Sweet Home Alabama"
He's got a guitar and seems to be playing it too- wearing ripped jeans and and an olive drab shirt, barefoot. Very bad hair center-parted and a big bushy beard has sprouted, he's looking more Allman Brothers than INXS. But, on the positive side, he did take the raccoon tail off his fly.

I need to sleep now but will check to see who gets ousted on the next show, waiting patiently for me on the DVR. Can we just rename the show "Brandon is the new lead singer of INXS"?

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