Friday, August 05, 2005

I'll crush you like a jellybean

I'm back from my chest CAT scan. What a load of fun. More like an hour of reading followed by ten minutes of waiting finished up with five minutes of actual scan. A couple of things -
- For those unfamiliar with a CAT scan, they stick you on a board and slide you into a big donut-y machine, bringing visions of being fed into a wood chipper. Today's test had me in the tube up to my neck. And what was waiting right in front of me? Why, my favorite warning! "Laser aperature. Do not look into aperature". And where does this cornea-destroying warning appear today? Only a foot away from my precious eyes! Oh, I felt like looking into that shiny shiny aperature SO BADLY. It may as well have said, 'Free candy. Do not eat candy'. I had to finally close my eyes just to get the test done.
- When you need contrast in a CAT scan you have to drink a Barium smoothie, horrible tasting concoctions, a cup for every fifteen minutes for an hour. And the taste? Imagine you have a poisonous metal bar in your mouth and you're for some reason sucking on that. The consistancy is like Milk of Magnesia but more congealed. The 'flavor' is unspeakable and for some reason, no manufacturer has thought of making vanilla or chocolate smoothies. I've seen grown adults whine, cry and trying to plead their way out of finishing a bottle of this toxic goo. Anyway, out in the waiting room there is the registration desk. And what is the only thing on the austere black stone counter? An ad for Barium smoothies and how delicious they are! Like you have a choice in Barium smoothies brands when you get there. And the super-yummy flavors? Banana, berry I had to read that twice.

So never get sick and don't get cancer and stay away from CAT scans and Barium smoothies. The end.

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