Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Hopping mad

Yeah, bad one-legged pun. Kindly get in line and bite me.

I was first diagnosed with this sarcoma all the way back in February 2004. The very first surgeon I saw said that most of the leg has to come off and that I had about two weeks to make up my mind about it. At the time he terrified me and I couldn't say no fast enough. Now I'm beginning to appreciate his bluntness and efficiency.

Last fall, I was given the name of Dr. Kenan as the person who would be doing the actual operation. Since that initial meeting with Dr. K, I've been MRI'd at least twice, CAT scanned & PET scanned (leg and lungs), angiogrammed, and re-biopsied. The most recent biopsy results were sent to some super-special tumor board because he thought that mayyyyybe my tumor is a fibromitosis instead of a fibrosarcoma. What's the difference? One is locally aggressive (firbosarcoma) the other is... locally agressive, only less cancer-y (fibromitosis). Here's the kicker - the treatment is EXACTLY THE SAME. AMPU-FUCKING-TATION. Just if it's a fibromitosis, you can wait, oh, a few more months to a few more years. Maybe. Because sarcomas are REALLY rare and NO ONE seems to have a good idea of how they behave in the long run. All I know is from what I read on the Sarcoma Alliance Bulletin Board, they can go seemingly dormant only to pop up later (months, years) in the lungs, liver, brain. By that time, amputation is too late and you just end up dying of cancer.

SO. Now Dr. K, after going over my 'options' for treatment (amputation, mutilation and ruination of my leg, leg shortened and on backwards) over and over again, says that he 'strongly recommends' I send my most recent biopsy results to some extra-special pathologist in Boston. Which I will have to pay for ($300). And will take at least two weeks to get a result, maybe longer. And when it comes down to it, he will come to the very same conclusions that all the other doctors who have studied my case have come to, whether it's a fibromitosis or a fibrosarcoma. That I might have some time before my leg is amputated. Weeks, months, years? Who knows? And hopefully it won't grow or metastasize. HOPEFULLY. I am SICK and TIRED of living with cancer. I hate living with this time bomb in my leg. I have no good will or hope left about this. I just want it OUT (by which I mean my leg GONE). But when I call up respectfully declining his recommendation, his secretary makes me make yet another appointment with him for this Friday. So he wants to fight me about this!? I'll give him a fucking fight.

This reminds me of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, where Daffy is tricked into insisting that Elmer Fudd shoot him now instead of waiting until they get home.


No comments: