I am sorry to be delinquent in writing a recap for the performance episode for "Rock Star"- things have been a bit crazy at home and to be honest, this week's show was... really boring. However, we did see the return of Dave Navaro- I didn't point it out, but Monday's episode was completely 100% Navaro free! Having him back on the show gives me the same feeling that I get when I see the wart of the bottom of my foot- it's really disgusting, I know it will go away eventually but in the meantime it really makes me sick to look at... so, I'm going to try to make sure I give a quote from Dave for every performance. Just in case you missed all that he brings to the Rock table.
Brook Burke appears & does her usual "Are you ready to rock/the games is on/competition is heating up/a performance away from elimination!!". The crowd goes wild- gee, do you think that free drinks are given to the audience? She introduces the INXS guys in their power banquet off to the side, with Dave Navaro- he raises his arm and does that stupid devil finger horns gesture (new drinking game- take a shot whenever he does this with his hand- guaranteed to waste you by the end of the show). Horrible sight- his totally hair free pits! This looks just plain wrong on a man. And Dave, you are not Man enough to try to pull this off.
Jordis- "Gimme Some Lovin"-
With the exception of her irritating "Alright! Are you ready to sing along with me.." thing she does w/the audience, she does really quite well with this song. I still say that a woman will not win this show, but she's definitely one of the better singers... Does less thrashing about, no doubt having learned from the "Stagecraft" bitch session.
Stupid Dave comment- "You dropped a line in the beginning... but WHO CARES?" throws hands in air & the pits appear again.
Suzy- "Superstitious"
She walks out, screams, "Let's get funky!!!", then proceeds to do the opposite. Sorry, Suzy, but I was reminded of when I was in Columbus, Ohio, years ago and heard an all-white "Blues band" at a bar.. so seriously not funky. She keeps popping out her eyes in a bad way when she gets to the word "Superstitious" in the song. Please stop acting out on the songs....
Stupid Dave comment- "You look hot!"
Jessica- "Because the night"
She walks onto stage in a bustier made from a large bird, perhaps a turkey. She sings OK, but does this weird yodeling inflection during parts of the song. Pretty dull, made me realize how embedded the Patti Smith version is in my head- anyone else singing it sounds like a bad karaoke night.
Stupid Dave comment- "I took you way more seriously when you stood still."
IMPORTANT NOTE! Tonight, we have the first appearance of the word "Pitchy", which is a staple of American Idol.
Mig- "Lola"
He rearranges the song to try to be way funky- when K watched with me the other night, he totally cringed at the guys wa-wa pedal playing- and K knows his Wa. I finally realize who Mig looks like- one of the Monkees (pop group) especially wearing a silly military style jacket over a bare chest. When he says, "I got down on my knees" he does fall right to his knees, and there is a quite spontaneous screeee!!! from the girls. You go, Mig.
Stupid Dave comment- "I don't know where to start man, I have so many things to say to you..." which really means, I hate you. It's the same sort of stalling thing Paula Abdul says on AI when she hates one of the girls and can't really say that. C'mon guys, just whip 'em out already.
One of the INXS dudes says, "I'd like you to show more abandon... like if you had a half a bottle of vodka..." Oh really? Where'd the other half go?
Brandon- "Tempted"
Very bad, he looks way uncomfortable. maybe because he's finally wearing shoes? Can't quite hit the notes. Does the dumb "How're you doin'" kind of lounge singer thing.
Stupid Dave comment- "You're a guy who can look awesome in a white belt"
Ty- "Everybody hurts"
And we do. At least, I do. I HATE this song. Brooke tells us this is Ty's attempt to prove he's "the whole package".
I don't want to think about Ty's package. He shouldn't sit with his shirt unbuttoned, bad abs. The crowd does the swaying back & forth hand thing, a la "Purple Rain"
Stupid Dave comment- "I think I just saw someone who wants to be a member of INXS!"
Heather- "If it makes you happy"
Let's face it, like her or not, Sheryl Crow is a very good singer. Heather is not. The Butterfly girl goes down in flames; finally, we recognize substance over style wins. She blames it on being sick.
Stupid Dave comment- "I've got to be honest, honey- I'm used to feeling this Atlanta heat from you, and I just didn't feel it tonight".
J!D!- "We are the champions"
Yes, it's just as bad as we hoped for... before he begins, Brooke chirps, "Game on!". Game over right from the start- he sings waaaay low, K asks, Is this the Sisters of Mercy version? He misses most of the notes, does a weird hand circling bow when he sings "my friends", gives up and lets the audience sing one line, and simply mouths, "of the world". J!D! jumps off stage at the end and hugs some girl, bounces back up and very emotionally tells us how moved he is because it's he sister he hasn't seen in years- dude, you lived in your car- could you not have driven over some time?
Stupid Dave Comment- "While J!D!s givin' the love, huge props to the house band!"
J!D! say in response to the song choice not being humble (We are the Champions after being told he's cocky), he snivels, I chose it because we all are the champions! while gesturing to the other contestants. They shoot him withering looks. They are not buying it. BTW, while he train-wrecked w/the song, the editors had fun showing us reaction shots of the other contestants.... schadenfreude, anyone?
Deanna- "Give a little bit"
This woman bores the shit out of me. I got nothing.
Stupid Dave comment- "I think you have something really special"... sheesh, even he's bored.
Daphna- "Rock the Casbah"
She destroys this song. Also wears a long white floaty dress, black leather gloves and once again, gi-normous earrings. So painful to watch- even the band hates her- they are sounding like shit, and you know I'm totally on their side.
Stupid Dave comment- "Here's the good news- you look awesome!"
Tara- "Suffragette City"
She sings... alright. Again, I just can't bring myself to disassociate this song from Mr. Bowie. She's wearing an odd combo of pantsuit and bra, ends song with an awkward hip-thrust pose, should not have done the part of the song "Wham Bam thank you ma'am!". Sounds wrong from a woman.
Stupid Dave comment-"Thanks, sweetheart... Suffragette City is a song full of energy and angst, attitude- your performance was a little cute for me..."
Marty- "Lithium"
Marty does a pretty okay job with this- Brooke points out the sacredness of Nirvana's music to Dave Navaro. Can someone tell me what his connection to them was? I imagine him as following them around wanting to be hanging with the cool guys... he survived, Nirvana did not. I am reminded of Salieri at the end of Amadeus, when he is taken away to the madhouse, screaming about the triumph of mediocrity. Dave, thou art Salieri.
Stupid Dave comment- "Great performance!"
Stupid Marty comment- "I did it for you!"
Will do results show as soon as I can...
"That's not a knife! ...This is a knife!" Sheila, I am running out of Australian slang... soon I'll be reduced to quoting "Men at Work" songs.
G'day,
S.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Memories of ...Meat??
First off, a big hand to the ladies of SJI for taking my sorry ass out tonight. It was a rum-filled evening and now I'm feeling a bit girl-drink drunk. Paper umbrellas for everyone!
For some reason, dinner reminded me of going to New Orleans back in 1995. The Mule and I had spent a whole week totally OD-ing on meat filled that, meat filled this, and the meat filled other thing. The last morning we were there, we ordered pancakes and waffles for a change. Without missing a step, our waitress immediately wanted to know, "what kind of meat y'all want with that". Not IF, mind you. Could this be a reason I haven't been back to New Orleans since?
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
With a name like Constantine
.. you know it's going to suck!
Things we learned by watching "Constantine" (the Keanu Reeves feature film, not the American Idol contestant):
- Angels can say the "F" word and not get fired by Our Lord the father.
- Cats are good.
- There's a "Sword of Destiny" that gives one the power to rule over all others + Heaven and Hell, I suppose... This is not to be confused with the One Ring to Rule them All, or the "Green Sword of Destiny".
- Once you have the Sword of Destiny, you are able to get hit by a car and hurt the car, not yourself. Also, you'll have the magical ability to knock over cows without touching them- they simply fall down when you approach.
- Entering Hell is easy! All you need is a cat, and a roasting pan full of water (this is how Keanu did it- Rachel Weisz had a slight variation on this, will explain). Sit in a chair, step into the water-filled roasting pan, fully clothed, and yes, you can wear your shoes in Hell! Hold the kitty firmly on your knees, facing you, and stare into deep into its eyes. Pretty soon, you'll look up and be right there in Hell.
- To enter Hell (if you're a regular Jane or Joe, not Constantine) you need to have a bathtub full of water. Get in the bath, again fully clothed, and let someone hold you down in the water until you begin to struggle and drown. Pretty soon, you'll look up and be right there in Hell.
- It's best to go to an Exorcism with a keyring full of various religious talismans, as you never really know what the demon might respond to.
- Demons will leave the person they are possessing if you yell at them loudly enough, and will get trapped in a mirror if you hold it right above the possess-ee. Toss the mirror out the window, and voila! No more pesky demon.
- Usually suicides go right to Hell, no questions asked. But sometimes God will just toss you back on Earth, and this can make you really cranky.
- People in the world of Constantine dress mighty like people in the Matrix dressed. They also seem to have the same weather patterns- lots of rain.
- Much like the Egyptian spirits in "The Mummy", demons can appear in the form of massive swarms of bugs. They don't so much kill you as annoy you so that you get distracted enough to run into oncoming traffic. But this can be okay, because you know what happens when bugs and oncoming windshields collide- splat!
- Seems that land crabs like to hang with the demon insect gang and jump into the swarm too.
- There's always an under worldly bar/nightclub when demons & assorted freaky people with glowing eyeballs hang out and act decadent.
- Constantine, who has the ability to slay demons, can't get anything nicer to ride around in than a taxi cab. However, being able to always have a taxi there when you need one is definitely a special power.
- Yep, what we thought all along- Gavin Rossdale is half-demon.
I give up... I didn't learn much, if you couldn't tell. Um, I did also learn that Keanu Reeves can have a sedative effect on me!
xox S.
Things we learned by watching "Constantine" (the Keanu Reeves feature film, not the American Idol contestant):
- Angels can say the "F" word and not get fired by Our Lord the father.
- Cats are good.
- There's a "Sword of Destiny" that gives one the power to rule over all others + Heaven and Hell, I suppose... This is not to be confused with the One Ring to Rule them All, or the "Green Sword of Destiny".
- Once you have the Sword of Destiny, you are able to get hit by a car and hurt the car, not yourself. Also, you'll have the magical ability to knock over cows without touching them- they simply fall down when you approach.
- Entering Hell is easy! All you need is a cat, and a roasting pan full of water (this is how Keanu did it- Rachel Weisz had a slight variation on this, will explain). Sit in a chair, step into the water-filled roasting pan, fully clothed, and yes, you can wear your shoes in Hell! Hold the kitty firmly on your knees, facing you, and stare into deep into its eyes. Pretty soon, you'll look up and be right there in Hell.
- To enter Hell (if you're a regular Jane or Joe, not Constantine) you need to have a bathtub full of water. Get in the bath, again fully clothed, and let someone hold you down in the water until you begin to struggle and drown. Pretty soon, you'll look up and be right there in Hell.
- It's best to go to an Exorcism with a keyring full of various religious talismans, as you never really know what the demon might respond to.
- Demons will leave the person they are possessing if you yell at them loudly enough, and will get trapped in a mirror if you hold it right above the possess-ee. Toss the mirror out the window, and voila! No more pesky demon.
- Usually suicides go right to Hell, no questions asked. But sometimes God will just toss you back on Earth, and this can make you really cranky.
- People in the world of Constantine dress mighty like people in the Matrix dressed. They also seem to have the same weather patterns- lots of rain.
- Much like the Egyptian spirits in "The Mummy", demons can appear in the form of massive swarms of bugs. They don't so much kill you as annoy you so that you get distracted enough to run into oncoming traffic. But this can be okay, because you know what happens when bugs and oncoming windshields collide- splat!
- Seems that land crabs like to hang with the demon insect gang and jump into the swarm too.
- There's always an under worldly bar/nightclub when demons & assorted freaky people with glowing eyeballs hang out and act decadent.
- Constantine, who has the ability to slay demons, can't get anything nicer to ride around in than a taxi cab. However, being able to always have a taxi there when you need one is definitely a special power.
- Yep, what we thought all along- Gavin Rossdale is half-demon.
I give up... I didn't learn much, if you couldn't tell. Um, I did also learn that Keanu Reeves can have a sedative effect on me!
xox S.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
It's only love and that is all
Having a Bryan Ferry moment, don't mind me. Since I have about three or four weeks until the leg goes guh-bye, I've taken up the internet dating thing. Because why not? Do I not deserve to be loved/stongly liked just like everybody else does? Do I not want some 20-40 year old male attention every now and then? Somehow I thought the internet personal ads would be easier. I could very plainly state my condition and get a chance to show off my great big juicy chess-club brain by being clever. Ha-ha, joke's on me. I was 'chatting' with a fellow the other night. He's a filmmaker, 38, single, his personal was very normal. We were getting along well, emailing to and fro about movies, pretty mild stuff. Then he gave me his phone number and told me to call. Impressed by his forwardness (and thriftiness; it was after 10pm) I did. We continued talking like, "I'm bored" "yeah me too" etc. He then asked if I had any pictures of myself to email him. I went through the files and found a full body pic, but it was from 1993. Immediately he began grilling me, "Is this recent? Do you exercise? What do you do for exercise? Are you in shape? Because I'm very much about being in shape." That should have been a tip-off but duh, I'm new to this in-ter-net dating. So then he offered to send me some pictures of himself. They came through the email and there he was. Headless and stark naked. And, erm, happy to see someone. I was pretty flustered but I still have my manners so I tried to get off the phone and on the other end it sounded like he was much more into the call then I thought. The last thing I heard as I hung up was 'uhhhhhhhh!'.
Anyone need some pictures of a naked dude, let me know. Maybe you can Photoshop some nice shorts on him.
Anyone need some pictures of a naked dude, let me know. Maybe you can Photoshop some nice shorts on him.
The first cut is the deepest
(Wait a second... Isn't this really the second elimination? What about the horrible spectacle of Bindi Girl who slaughtered "Knockin' on Heaven's Door"? The one who made an embarrassingly long noise; sort of a groaning 'uhhhh.....' as she sank to the floor. Dave Navaro remarked, "That was sexy for about the first few seconds, then... I don't know." Thanks for that little window into your mind, Dave). Did that not happen? A figment of my feverish mind?
It's a new day in the Rock Mansion~ the contestants are feeling their feelings about the first elimination, and we are there.
They are once again around the banquet table, toasting. There could be a drinking game here where you simply take a drink every time they toast or are seen drinking- let's drink along with the wannabe rock stars! You'd be loaded before the first commercial break.
Let us have a moment of silence, for Neil is the first sacrifice on the altar of INXS. From the way the contestants are carrying on, you'd think they took him out and shot him instead of politely telling him "I'm sorry, but you're just not right for our band, INXS". Now that he is out, Neil is suddenly elevated to sainthood, and apparently he was the glue that held all of them together. Brandon sadly reminisces about how Neil was him roommate, and Ty, raising the bar for theatrics, sobs and proclaims that "His energy not being in this house is going to be huge". Jessica matches him for tears; she was in the bottom three and interviews how she felt it was her "last chance" to prove herself, and she was "fighting for her life". K responds to Jessica's hysterics with his preferred take, "I felt like it was my last chance to blow Dave Navaro!". If we all remember, Jessica's ass did save her from elimination (perhaps I should not use the words "ass" and "elimination" in the same sentence, although K did tell me that most musicians' insults contain some sort of scatological reference. We also watched the "Remaking Vince Neil" special on VH1 this weekend, and K's special name for the show was "Polishing the Turd").
Back to our table scene...Most of the rockers are crying. Except of course, for J! D! Fortune!, who has most definitely been cast as the villain of the show. They are editing the hell out of the footage to let us see how scheming, manipulative and dishonest he is. I'd say they are setting us up to see him get the boot this week, but I think they will take the usual tactic and keep him around because of how hilarious his delusional plotting and poor reimaginings of every song he tries to sing are proving to be. Also, Brandon notes at one point that J! D! seems to have a bit of a drinking problem, and he becomes even worse at communicating with everyone once he's had a few.
So, J! D! turns the conversation to his favorite topic, Himself. He seriously wants to know if everyone's okay with him after his alienating declaration of how superior his knowledge of the INXS catalogue is... he bounced on his daddy's knee, earnestly reciting, "It's the one thing... you are my thing...". Everyone gives him the hairy eyeball and again register their irritation at his attitude. Several contestants interview that they are on to the fact that he's just "playing to win", and Marty proclaims, "The game is on". The game of Rock?
We are treated to a Very Special Moment with Mig, who is shown on the phone with (I assume from his wedding band) his wife. This is obviously meant to be an intimate conversation, but Mig is carefully posed on a balcony chaise lounge, flanked by torches and candles, and we can see the shimmering lights of the City of Angles far in the distance, as if Stardom itself is beckoning, just out of reach... K moans, please let a car bomb drive into the house and just end this all... he's starting to get really dark at this point with his commentary- thing is, K has quite a bit of experience as a musician himself touring with different bands for many years, and now works with musicians in his current job. He has a very definite point of view on how they think, act, and treat other musicians. Here's a sampling of K's special rant on the "challenges" that they should really be handed.
He launches into his tirade~ " Give them some real rock challenges... make them live for a month in the house with no food... Ramen noodles, nothing but Ramen noodles. That's what being in a band is all about. That, and pushing the van when it breaks down. See who can push the van farthest. Try carrying a bass amp up a flight of stairs. Drop a bass amp on your foot. Try being left behind at the gas station. Chasing the bus down the freeway. Get strip searched going through London..."
This week's Rock Clinic is Stagecraft! This "clinic" amounts to the group sitting around with 2 members of INXS, and reviewing their own performances from the last 2 weeks on video. The INXS guys offer comments and criticism, but the f'd up thing is that the contestants start commenting on each other's styles of working the stage... this seems wrong since they are supposed to be learning from INXS, not saying shit to antagonize each other.
Brandon is criticized for.. leaning forward? J! D! jumps in and declares, I see you as very tall! And when you lean forward, I can't see that! Brandon looks like he wants to throttle J! D!, which he already did want to do after the stupid incident exhaustively covered already about J! D!'s vast knowledge of INXS music. BTW, I noticed something really funny- you can totally tell that all the footage is shot out of sequence because Brandon's beard keeps appearing and disappearing. His hair grows and shrinks too! Maybe he's like that Chrissy doll we used to have where you push the button in her navel & can lengthen & shorten her hair at whim?
Ty is again reminded on how theatrical his performance is, and how it seems really calculated. INXS shares how Michael was always a spontaneous performer, and how they in fact never rehearsed so they could just follow how they felt when playing and be fresh every time. Ty snots, "Point very clearly made last week". He then swishes his train and adjusts his tiara, vows to go in another direction this week.
Jessica is criticized for her posturing, and there's something said about how they'd like to point her in a different direction... K finds this highly amusing, as they could be pointing her is a few very lewd directions.
Hands down best commentary on Daphna's stage style- she of the crouching, squatting walk across the stage in giant, shiny leather pants. INXS asks her, where did that walk come from? She sparkles, "I don't know! It just comes naturally." Obviously she thinks they approve; she's shot down in flames as they tell her, "You look like Graucho Marx". K shouts out, "You look like you're trying to take a shit and walk at the same time!". Which, he correctly notes, is a special talent all on its own.
INXS asks J!D! if anyone ever told him he seems cocky... K asks back to INXS, "Did anyone ever tell you you have a little round clown nose?". My giggling fit makes me unable to hear the rest of this segment before commercial time breaks the tension.
Song choices! J! D! is obviously loaded again, clutching a glass- he is shown tiptoeing into the room with the assignment board festooned with sheet music, and bumps into the rest of the wandering rockers lurking outside the door. They glare at him and he tries to turn the ugly mob to his side by whining about how he'd noticed the songs in there for a full hour and didn't go in to peek. I don't think they buy it.
Songs start getting passed around. Ty chooses "Everybody Hurts", the gayest REM song ever (and that's saying a lot). I'm sure this will really show them how NOT THEATRICAL he can be. He declares, "It's time to step up his game". Can you hear Keith Richards wanting to step up his game as he shoots heroin into his eyeballs? I thought not.
Brandon chooses "Tempted", and we get to spend time with him in the rehearsal with my favorite guys, the House Band. The keyboard player points out that he's missing all of the melody, and asks if he could please be less nasal. Brandon whines, "I can't really do that, sing melodically. It's just really hard for me..." K says, "That's what the lead singer is supposed to do... sing a melody...". Seems pretty obvious but not for Brandon.
Jordis (who earlier has a really funny moment alone with J! D! out on the patio... she first wants to sing "We are the Champions", and J! D! really really peeing-in-his-pants wants this song. He does a whole transparent manipulative "I have to try to hard to be where you already are, and I really need this song.." I.e. You are so amazing and please let me have this chance, oh Battlefield Earth girl. She shrugs and says, "Whatever, no problem" and picks another song. He keep following he around and asking, Are you mad? Do you want the song back? She keeps giving him the brush off, like get out of my face you little weasel.) picks "Gimme Some Loving" and we see her singing it very well with the Band. I note how she doesn't suck, and K points out, yes, but remember John Belushi was able to sing this pretty well, too.
J! D! is shown first outside and in his room singing "We are the Champions", and you can see the major train wreck potential. We are left with him trying to convince the House Band to rearrange the music to be a "Trip Hop" version of the song... They try, but it totally doesn't work. The Band leader says, "This is just not serving the song at all" and asks J! D! if he could just try it straight. J!D! looks like he's going to cry, and yup, it gets worse. Again, we can see that Freddy Mercury really was pretty special to hit all those notes and make the song not suck. The show ends with House Band leader laughing off camera, telling us how incredibly awful it was... I'm breathless to see the next show!
G'day and Crocodile Dundee to everyone,
S.
It's a new day in the Rock Mansion~ the contestants are feeling their feelings about the first elimination, and we are there.
They are once again around the banquet table, toasting. There could be a drinking game here where you simply take a drink every time they toast or are seen drinking- let's drink along with the wannabe rock stars! You'd be loaded before the first commercial break.
Let us have a moment of silence, for Neil is the first sacrifice on the altar of INXS. From the way the contestants are carrying on, you'd think they took him out and shot him instead of politely telling him "I'm sorry, but you're just not right for our band, INXS". Now that he is out, Neil is suddenly elevated to sainthood, and apparently he was the glue that held all of them together. Brandon sadly reminisces about how Neil was him roommate, and Ty, raising the bar for theatrics, sobs and proclaims that "His energy not being in this house is going to be huge". Jessica matches him for tears; she was in the bottom three and interviews how she felt it was her "last chance" to prove herself, and she was "fighting for her life". K responds to Jessica's hysterics with his preferred take, "I felt like it was my last chance to blow Dave Navaro!". If we all remember, Jessica's ass did save her from elimination (perhaps I should not use the words "ass" and "elimination" in the same sentence, although K did tell me that most musicians' insults contain some sort of scatological reference. We also watched the "Remaking Vince Neil" special on VH1 this weekend, and K's special name for the show was "Polishing the Turd").
Back to our table scene...Most of the rockers are crying. Except of course, for J! D! Fortune!, who has most definitely been cast as the villain of the show. They are editing the hell out of the footage to let us see how scheming, manipulative and dishonest he is. I'd say they are setting us up to see him get the boot this week, but I think they will take the usual tactic and keep him around because of how hilarious his delusional plotting and poor reimaginings of every song he tries to sing are proving to be. Also, Brandon notes at one point that J! D! seems to have a bit of a drinking problem, and he becomes even worse at communicating with everyone once he's had a few.
So, J! D! turns the conversation to his favorite topic, Himself. He seriously wants to know if everyone's okay with him after his alienating declaration of how superior his knowledge of the INXS catalogue is... he bounced on his daddy's knee, earnestly reciting, "It's the one thing... you are my thing...". Everyone gives him the hairy eyeball and again register their irritation at his attitude. Several contestants interview that they are on to the fact that he's just "playing to win", and Marty proclaims, "The game is on". The game of Rock?
We are treated to a Very Special Moment with Mig, who is shown on the phone with (I assume from his wedding band) his wife. This is obviously meant to be an intimate conversation, but Mig is carefully posed on a balcony chaise lounge, flanked by torches and candles, and we can see the shimmering lights of the City of Angles far in the distance, as if Stardom itself is beckoning, just out of reach... K moans, please let a car bomb drive into the house and just end this all... he's starting to get really dark at this point with his commentary- thing is, K has quite a bit of experience as a musician himself touring with different bands for many years, and now works with musicians in his current job. He has a very definite point of view on how they think, act, and treat other musicians. Here's a sampling of K's special rant on the "challenges" that they should really be handed.
He launches into his tirade~ " Give them some real rock challenges... make them live for a month in the house with no food... Ramen noodles, nothing but Ramen noodles. That's what being in a band is all about. That, and pushing the van when it breaks down. See who can push the van farthest. Try carrying a bass amp up a flight of stairs. Drop a bass amp on your foot. Try being left behind at the gas station. Chasing the bus down the freeway. Get strip searched going through London..."
This week's Rock Clinic is Stagecraft! This "clinic" amounts to the group sitting around with 2 members of INXS, and reviewing their own performances from the last 2 weeks on video. The INXS guys offer comments and criticism, but the f'd up thing is that the contestants start commenting on each other's styles of working the stage... this seems wrong since they are supposed to be learning from INXS, not saying shit to antagonize each other.
Brandon is criticized for.. leaning forward? J! D! jumps in and declares, I see you as very tall! And when you lean forward, I can't see that! Brandon looks like he wants to throttle J! D!, which he already did want to do after the stupid incident exhaustively covered already about J! D!'s vast knowledge of INXS music. BTW, I noticed something really funny- you can totally tell that all the footage is shot out of sequence because Brandon's beard keeps appearing and disappearing. His hair grows and shrinks too! Maybe he's like that Chrissy doll we used to have where you push the button in her navel & can lengthen & shorten her hair at whim?
Ty is again reminded on how theatrical his performance is, and how it seems really calculated. INXS shares how Michael was always a spontaneous performer, and how they in fact never rehearsed so they could just follow how they felt when playing and be fresh every time. Ty snots, "Point very clearly made last week". He then swishes his train and adjusts his tiara, vows to go in another direction this week.
Jessica is criticized for her posturing, and there's something said about how they'd like to point her in a different direction... K finds this highly amusing, as they could be pointing her is a few very lewd directions.
Hands down best commentary on Daphna's stage style- she of the crouching, squatting walk across the stage in giant, shiny leather pants. INXS asks her, where did that walk come from? She sparkles, "I don't know! It just comes naturally." Obviously she thinks they approve; she's shot down in flames as they tell her, "You look like Graucho Marx". K shouts out, "You look like you're trying to take a shit and walk at the same time!". Which, he correctly notes, is a special talent all on its own.
INXS asks J!D! if anyone ever told him he seems cocky... K asks back to INXS, "Did anyone ever tell you you have a little round clown nose?". My giggling fit makes me unable to hear the rest of this segment before commercial time breaks the tension.
Song choices! J! D! is obviously loaded again, clutching a glass- he is shown tiptoeing into the room with the assignment board festooned with sheet music, and bumps into the rest of the wandering rockers lurking outside the door. They glare at him and he tries to turn the ugly mob to his side by whining about how he'd noticed the songs in there for a full hour and didn't go in to peek. I don't think they buy it.
Songs start getting passed around. Ty chooses "Everybody Hurts", the gayest REM song ever (and that's saying a lot). I'm sure this will really show them how NOT THEATRICAL he can be. He declares, "It's time to step up his game". Can you hear Keith Richards wanting to step up his game as he shoots heroin into his eyeballs? I thought not.
Brandon chooses "Tempted", and we get to spend time with him in the rehearsal with my favorite guys, the House Band. The keyboard player points out that he's missing all of the melody, and asks if he could please be less nasal. Brandon whines, "I can't really do that, sing melodically. It's just really hard for me..." K says, "That's what the lead singer is supposed to do... sing a melody...". Seems pretty obvious but not for Brandon.
Jordis (who earlier has a really funny moment alone with J! D! out on the patio... she first wants to sing "We are the Champions", and J! D! really really peeing-in-his-pants wants this song. He does a whole transparent manipulative "I have to try to hard to be where you already are, and I really need this song.." I.e. You are so amazing and please let me have this chance, oh Battlefield Earth girl. She shrugs and says, "Whatever, no problem" and picks another song. He keep following he around and asking, Are you mad? Do you want the song back? She keeps giving him the brush off, like get out of my face you little weasel.) picks "Gimme Some Loving" and we see her singing it very well with the Band. I note how she doesn't suck, and K points out, yes, but remember John Belushi was able to sing this pretty well, too.
J! D! is shown first outside and in his room singing "We are the Champions", and you can see the major train wreck potential. We are left with him trying to convince the House Band to rearrange the music to be a "Trip Hop" version of the song... They try, but it totally doesn't work. The Band leader says, "This is just not serving the song at all" and asks J! D! if he could just try it straight. J!D! looks like he's going to cry, and yup, it gets worse. Again, we can see that Freddy Mercury really was pretty special to hit all those notes and make the song not suck. The show ends with House Band leader laughing off camera, telling us how incredibly awful it was... I'm breathless to see the next show!
G'day and Crocodile Dundee to everyone,
S.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Mahalo!
This picture is where I may have been the happiest in my life - Maui, Hawaii in the year 2000. Check it out, I have two legs unaffected by cancer, possibly for the last time.
During this trip, I was the guest of the Mule family. Mrs. Mule was a 24-carat gold BITCH who insisted on controlling every single situation she was involved in. Once when the two year-old nephew was playing with a toy I had given him as a gift, she SNATCHED it out of his little hands and shoved one of her gifts into them instead. Anyhoo, it was her birthday during the Hawaii trip and she felt like this meant that she was in charge of everything that was going on. Going on a bike trip? Run it by Mrs. Mule first. Going to the beach with the kids? Better see what Mrs. Mule felt like doing. After a while (a day) it got really tiring. So her daughter came up with just telling her 'mahalo' when Mrs. Mule would go into one of her tirades, except instead of meaning 'thank you', as it does in Hawaiian, we all agreed that we really meant 'fuck you' when dealing with her tantrums. So now when doctors are pissing me off with waiting and their shitty attitudes, I'm thinking 'mahalo'!
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Sometimes you kick, sometimes you get kicked
Here I am in our very sleepy apartment- usually I am the one in bed early while K stays up way late.
However, he was up all night (morning?) doing a freelance sound job on Good Morning America and didn't really get any sleep; he managed to stay awake long enough to watch the "elimination" episode of Rock Tard oops I mean Rock Star. We were wondering... If INXS choses a new lead singer, what will they do next season? Or will the network people find bands that have had other people die/leave the band/enter rehab and use the same concept?
Today's extra credit question- what would be the best band to embrace this crass concept? I had a few thoughts for candidates- Van Halen (find the new diamond dave!), and The Doors (since they already gave into that lame "The doors of the 20th century" thing with Ian Astbury, what's stopping them? As Bob Dylan said, when you got nothin', you got nothin' to lose).
Tonight's episode was 2 minutes of decision crammed into a 30 minute show. Here's how the eliminations happen: we the people, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice & insure domestic tranquility (had a schoolhouse rock slip there) can get on our phones, text messaging, or computers after the performance episode and vote for the people we like best... then empty headed Brooke Burke comes out and tells us who the three biggest losers are (in no particular order, she assures us). Then, the mediocre three get on stage with Brooke and get to each perform " to save their lives for one more week!". Brooke keeps telling us that the competition is really heating up and getting intense. INXS are remaining really nice and encouraging, and Dave Navaro never says anything bad either- they are doing a great job of hiding the tension. Every song the three are asked to sing is a cover of an INXS song. I recognized all 3 of tonight's songs but I think they're going to have trouble if they keep doing this every week- they band didn't have that many hits.
Before she tells us which three are the worst, the band gives special comments to some people who they thought improved greatly since last week, or did especially good performances. No mention of personal style at all! I feel like I did the wrong homework assignment. I apologize deeply for not focusing on the talent when the previous show told us how important the "look" was. It will not happen again.
So, the three are: Tara, who sang Paranoid; Neil, who sang Summer of 69, and Jessica, who sang Purple Haze.
Neil goes up first and is asked to sing "Suicide Blond" (again with the suicide!). I hate this song, so really any version of it would have sounded bad to me... he isn't really awful, just doesn't sing very well. However, he does have the right look- good shag hair-do, skinny swivel hipped bod, cute enough face for the girls to swoon over. He works the stage okay- better than some of the others, like Mig, who simply fell over on the stage at the end of his song (I forgot to mention that, but there were so many other things going on that I needed to work out).
Next is Tara, who is asked to sing "Mystify". She does much better than the previous night; out of the lower three she has the strongest voice. We (correctly) assume she is safe.
Last, Jessica is asked to sing " Don't Change". Before she sings, DN notes how "Purple Haze" didn't really suit her- the understatement of the week. She looks like she escaped her sorority house for the night. She starts off super weak, but does manage to finish poorly.
What we agreed the choice really came down to was this- whose ass do we want to look at for another week? The winner was... Jessica! Buh bye, Neil, no more reality TV for you!
Neil politely thanked the INXS group for the opportunity to perform for them & held himself together; DN gave a smarmy little "You're a total star, dude, and I can't wait to see what you do next!!!". The rest of the group gave Neil a big group hug, and some girl or two made hysteric-face w/major tears to the cameras... they are all very self conscious about the fact they are on TV, when they announced the loser they showed Ty's reaction and I swear I could read his lips saying "Oh no way you're kidding!".
This was a shortie b/c I am too tired to type- I left out all the BS about the manufactured tension in the house where everyone ganged up on J! D! Fortune!, the dude who was living in his car. He made some ass-kissing comment the previous night after he sang about how the other people were working really hard on learning the INXS repertoire, when he already knew all the songs because he loves them. JD, what's that brown stuff on your nose? I predict this guy is going to have a giant meltdown at some point- he's way too keyed up all the time. He's our house ticking time bomb.
Off to bed and a weekend of activity- Monday is a new show! The cycle begins again!
Fosters, Australian for beer, g'day
S.
However, he was up all night (morning?) doing a freelance sound job on Good Morning America and didn't really get any sleep; he managed to stay awake long enough to watch the "elimination" episode of Rock Tard oops I mean Rock Star. We were wondering... If INXS choses a new lead singer, what will they do next season? Or will the network people find bands that have had other people die/leave the band/enter rehab and use the same concept?
Today's extra credit question- what would be the best band to embrace this crass concept? I had a few thoughts for candidates- Van Halen (find the new diamond dave!), and The Doors (since they already gave into that lame "The doors of the 20th century" thing with Ian Astbury, what's stopping them? As Bob Dylan said, when you got nothin', you got nothin' to lose).
Tonight's episode was 2 minutes of decision crammed into a 30 minute show. Here's how the eliminations happen: we the people, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice & insure domestic tranquility (had a schoolhouse rock slip there) can get on our phones, text messaging, or computers after the performance episode and vote for the people we like best... then empty headed Brooke Burke comes out and tells us who the three biggest losers are (in no particular order, she assures us). Then, the mediocre three get on stage with Brooke and get to each perform " to save their lives for one more week!". Brooke keeps telling us that the competition is really heating up and getting intense. INXS are remaining really nice and encouraging, and Dave Navaro never says anything bad either- they are doing a great job of hiding the tension. Every song the three are asked to sing is a cover of an INXS song. I recognized all 3 of tonight's songs but I think they're going to have trouble if they keep doing this every week- they band didn't have that many hits.
Before she tells us which three are the worst, the band gives special comments to some people who they thought improved greatly since last week, or did especially good performances. No mention of personal style at all! I feel like I did the wrong homework assignment. I apologize deeply for not focusing on the talent when the previous show told us how important the "look" was. It will not happen again.
So, the three are: Tara, who sang Paranoid; Neil, who sang Summer of 69, and Jessica, who sang Purple Haze.
Neil goes up first and is asked to sing "Suicide Blond" (again with the suicide!). I hate this song, so really any version of it would have sounded bad to me... he isn't really awful, just doesn't sing very well. However, he does have the right look- good shag hair-do, skinny swivel hipped bod, cute enough face for the girls to swoon over. He works the stage okay- better than some of the others, like Mig, who simply fell over on the stage at the end of his song (I forgot to mention that, but there were so many other things going on that I needed to work out).
Next is Tara, who is asked to sing "Mystify". She does much better than the previous night; out of the lower three she has the strongest voice. We (correctly) assume she is safe.
Last, Jessica is asked to sing " Don't Change". Before she sings, DN notes how "Purple Haze" didn't really suit her- the understatement of the week. She looks like she escaped her sorority house for the night. She starts off super weak, but does manage to finish poorly.
What we agreed the choice really came down to was this- whose ass do we want to look at for another week? The winner was... Jessica! Buh bye, Neil, no more reality TV for you!
Neil politely thanked the INXS group for the opportunity to perform for them & held himself together; DN gave a smarmy little "You're a total star, dude, and I can't wait to see what you do next!!!". The rest of the group gave Neil a big group hug, and some girl or two made hysteric-face w/major tears to the cameras... they are all very self conscious about the fact they are on TV, when they announced the loser they showed Ty's reaction and I swear I could read his lips saying "Oh no way you're kidding!".
This was a shortie b/c I am too tired to type- I left out all the BS about the manufactured tension in the house where everyone ganged up on J! D! Fortune!, the dude who was living in his car. He made some ass-kissing comment the previous night after he sang about how the other people were working really hard on learning the INXS repertoire, when he already knew all the songs because he loves them. JD, what's that brown stuff on your nose? I predict this guy is going to have a giant meltdown at some point- he's way too keyed up all the time. He's our house ticking time bomb.
Off to bed and a weekend of activity- Monday is a new show! The cycle begins again!
Fosters, Australian for beer, g'day
S.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Support
Since doctors are no help with the questions I have about my upcoming operation, I just called Krishna Thompson to ask about prosthetic limbs and rehab. He also has a prosthetic leg but instead of cancer, he lost his leg to a shark attack(!!!) It was all I could do not to keep asking about the shark. "How big was it? What kind of shark was it? Did you fight him?" But he did say that his doctor told him that according to the tooth size and bite on his leg, he should have died on the beach. Aside from getting my vicarious thrill from someone else's shark encounter, Krishna was a lot of help. He told me that you get fitted for the new leg about two months after the operation and that the surgeon will smooth out the femur bone to lessen the pain you'd experience by putting pressure on it. Rehab is going to be a lot of work but it had him up and walking on his new leg within two weeks. So the rest of my year is going to be tough but do-able. Plus I get lots and lots of sweet sweet painkillers to help me along the way. Mmm, Vicodin!
Their fancy pants I snatch 'cause I've had it
I'm not an addict, fiending for static
I see their tape recorder and I grab it
No you can't have it back, silly rabbit.
(Rockstar:INXS recap by S)
I finally made it through the "Style Challenge" performance episode- thanks to the DVR which taped it while I was not aware it was on... busy little machine, giving me the twinkly red eye of mischief! First, I will lay out my credentials for evaluating the particular show (I'm kind of ignoring the actual performances to instead focus on the style choices of the contestants, since the otherwise pointless Monday show was supposed to be about that terrifying "style clinic"- let's see what the kids learned!). So yes, I am highly qualified to critique "style" being that I am an actual designer of clothing and have a good eye for what works and what doesn't- I'm so used to knowing what I like and also being around people who have good style of their own, I had a hard time understanding why this was such a challenge for these people. I forget that some people are genuinely confused about clothes, accessories, and what is flattering or not...
Okay, let's all remember that once you're a famous rock star, you generally have a STYLIST do that shit for you.
I will make a blanket statement that all of the contestants seemed to be dressed in "rocker" outfits for a dress-up party (So what are you going to go as? Dude, I'm going as a rocker!). Nary a shred of originality was displayed- there were several trends that kept appearing over and over, like studded leather cuff bracelets, long dangly chains galore, big silver studded black leather belts, jeans (duh), anything in leather. BTW, INXS was wearing a veritable rainbow of leather jackets! Looks like North Beach Leather had a dead stock sale... Dave N was again without a shirt, but had a ginormous beige fur collar attached to... something. The fur extended to his shoulders so we couldn't really see what was under it (god, I hope something was under it!). So, you can now picture the scene- on with the show...
Brooke Burke appears and reads her cue cards with rockin' enthusiasm... she is wearing a white wifebeater with a black bra to show us her deep understanding of the rock style. There's a boring little summary of what happened on Monday, and I already went over it... show the table of vegetables, again. I will now summarize the style choices- there are no winners here, so I give no ratings system. I will note song choices, but I ignored the performing a bit so I could write notes on the clothing... there are some horrible highlights I need to share. Sometimes when we share, it lets out the negative feelings, and the anger and sadness no longer have power over you and your interactions with others. I learned that in therapy. Onwards and downwards!
Bonus question- who makes up these song selections? Mr. Shuffle McRandom? Brian Adams and Black Sabbath do not exist in the same universe.
Marty- "What I Like About You"
Marty's outfit consists of a distressed black leather jacket, gray teeshirt, gray low trousers, and a red necktie, just hanging around his neck. Maybe he was trying to go for an ascot? He left very little impression on me; there was some bad dancing, hunch-walking around the stage, and much hand-hovering in the crotch area. Stop that, guys! I've cracked the code- when DN and INXS say to the performers, "You really work the stage" they mean "Your dancing sucks!". Or, if "energy" is mentioned, same thing. You're a total spazz.
Daphna- "I hate myself for Loving you"
Daphna, Axl wants his bandanna back! Daphna's style seems to consist of the challenge, "How much crap can i put on my head?". Yes, Daphna never met an accessory she didn't like. Feather earrings, aforementioned Bandanna, earrings aplenty, a big fake black rose stuck in one ear, ugh. There's a beige crochet camisole w/the requisite black bra (black bras totally rock!). Then, there are the pants. Huge, shiny, wide, low black leather bell bottom pants... a great visual of why you need to be heroin sick thin to be properly rocking the leather pant thing- they are unforgiving on any hip size above average, and Daphna is sporting might wide hips. She's business class, alright (needs the bigger seat! Hee...). The light shines off them and these big shiny poorly fitting pants are looking too low and then she squats. On the stage. Over and over.
Ty- "Somebody Told Me"
Ty, Ty, didn't anyone ever tell you that cropped pants are not ROCK? Barneys Coop in Chelsea yes, but not rock. Ty is proudly showing us his waxed chest and man nipples, festooned with silver jewelry & dog tags. There are 4 long chains hanging down from his pant waist, they swing about and I worry about him putting out someone's eye. His mohawk is sharply separated into 4 distinct points. He pouts when the guys don't rave over his performance... DN actually snarks "You have alot of theatre experience, don't you?" (translate- you're a total trouser pilot, aren't you?). I forgot to mention that in the first episode, TY says he loves Vernon Reid- do you think maybe he was prompted to say this b/c they couldn't think of any other African American people in rock bands?
Susie- "Roxanne"
God, put this girl out of her misery and get her off the show! She's a disaster- it doesn't help that the song arrangements are really awful, they can't sing the full song b/c of time, but her edit consists of her screaming the chorus over and over- "Roxanne! You don't have to put on the red light! Roxanne! You don't have to put on the red light! Put on the red light! Put on the red light!... sigh. She's sporting huge earrings and is wearing a denim mini over a plum colored dress. I have the word "Boring" underlined 5 times on my notepad.
Mig- "Walk this way"
Stripey shirt, all unbuttoned to show his waxed chest (does anyone just have a hairy chest anymore?), a festive choker 'round his neck, combed forward hair is an improvement but his skull is still disturbingly light-bulb like, dangerously low jeans with careful slashes on his man thighs, and a skinny chain mail tie around his neck. That's right, one of those necklaces shaped like a long skinny tie. They tried to create some suspense on monday b/c "Walk this way" had so many words (quote from Mig, "There are alot of words in this song!"). As K noted, Steve Tyler could get through it while totally smacked out, which is what you do in a band- you rehearse things to death so you can go out and play while you're totally high, drunk, or both! We're all learning here.
Neil "The summer of '69"
Neil has a pretty face and nice hair, but cannot sing for shit. Worse, he comes out with a guitar and plays maybe 2 riffs, then just uses it as a prop for the rest of the time. I get it- it's his accessory choice! Otherwise, he's a vision in denim- a sleeveless denim vest unbuttoned (again with the chest wax!) and giant patchwork studded bell bottom jeans. They show DN answering his phone, and he yells, "Dude! Lenny Kravitz wants his giant patchwork studded bell bottom jeans back!". If only that was true...
Heather- "It's only rock 'n roll"
Peachy chiffon & satin kimono thing a la Stevie Nicks gets tossed off immediately- she is wearing a green camisole with a brocade waist cinch corset, low rise jeans, and that damn studded black belt. Nothing much interesting here, but I'd like to point out the line in the song "Suicide right on the stage"... shouldn't they avoid songs that mention suicide?
Jay D- "One hand in my pocket"
A black button down shirt with only the collar button done (like a fly-away shirt!), dangerously low jeans, and we can clearly see that Jay D has a really big, long, obvious TIE (bet you thought I was going to say something else). Again with the tie swinging free over the waxed chest! Have these men hit puberty? Okay, I have to mention this- in the song, there's a line that goes "... I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is making a peace sign"- and yes, he makes a "putting hand in pocket" gesture, and indeed raises his other hand with a peace sign. Jay D, go gas up that car you were living in.
Tara- "Paranoid"
AAAArrrgghh!!! This was soooo painful to watch. Knee high leather boots, red leather fingerless gloves, teased to all hell red & black hair, studs and chains, and a very very tight denim mini dress that buttoned up the front but was unbuttoned UP TO HER CROTCH!! And she kept doing this sprawled leg squatting bump & grind, there was danger of us getting major snatch-cam. I was waiting for someone to poke a rolled dollar up there. Funny moment- she gets up in front of one house band guitarist and does this "I'm so sexy dip & sway & pretend kiss" and he does not react at all, just looks mildly forward playing "Paranoid" and you know he's all " Do not react! Do not make eye contact! Maybe she'll go away if I just ignore her...". Oh yes- she makes a "crazy" face with the song lyric "think I'll lose my mind".
Deanna- "The one I love"
Black leather pants, halter corset thingy, lots of crimped blond hair, she keeps going yyyyeeeeeaaahh and UUUuuurrrrr.... I hit the fast forward, I'm sorry.
Jordis- Some Stupid Hoobastank song
Jordis has dreadlocks (she's a white girl) and they are so large, I can't see her neck or shoulders... very "Battlefield Earth". Huge black bell bottom pants, unflattering sleeveless sheer top, elbow length fingerless gloves. Oh, Jordis? Little Steven wants his head scarf back.
Jessica- "Purple Haze"
Black triangle halter bikini top, extremely low rise jeans (I am so sick of typing that), that goddamn studded belt again, and a oddly prim hairdo (a little pulled back ponytail hold back the top of her hear, neatly teased & combed back). She keeps grabbing her crotch and inner thigh area. Did I mention how people keep doing this squatting creeping "prowling" kind of walk around the stage? It's really bad.
Brandon- "Sweet Home Alabama"
He's got a guitar and seems to be playing it too- wearing ripped jeans and and an olive drab shirt, barefoot. Very bad hair center-parted and a big bushy beard has sprouted, he's looking more Allman Brothers than INXS. But, on the positive side, he did take the raccoon tail off his fly.
I need to sleep now but will check to see who gets ousted on the next show, waiting patiently for me on the DVR. Can we just rename the show "Brandon is the new lead singer of INXS"?
I see their tape recorder and I grab it
No you can't have it back, silly rabbit.
(Rockstar:INXS recap by S)
I finally made it through the "Style Challenge" performance episode- thanks to the DVR which taped it while I was not aware it was on... busy little machine, giving me the twinkly red eye of mischief! First, I will lay out my credentials for evaluating the particular show (I'm kind of ignoring the actual performances to instead focus on the style choices of the contestants, since the otherwise pointless Monday show was supposed to be about that terrifying "style clinic"- let's see what the kids learned!). So yes, I am highly qualified to critique "style" being that I am an actual designer of clothing and have a good eye for what works and what doesn't- I'm so used to knowing what I like and also being around people who have good style of their own, I had a hard time understanding why this was such a challenge for these people. I forget that some people are genuinely confused about clothes, accessories, and what is flattering or not...
Okay, let's all remember that once you're a famous rock star, you generally have a STYLIST do that shit for you.
I will make a blanket statement that all of the contestants seemed to be dressed in "rocker" outfits for a dress-up party (So what are you going to go as? Dude, I'm going as a rocker!). Nary a shred of originality was displayed- there were several trends that kept appearing over and over, like studded leather cuff bracelets, long dangly chains galore, big silver studded black leather belts, jeans (duh), anything in leather. BTW, INXS was wearing a veritable rainbow of leather jackets! Looks like North Beach Leather had a dead stock sale... Dave N was again without a shirt, but had a ginormous beige fur collar attached to... something. The fur extended to his shoulders so we couldn't really see what was under it (god, I hope something was under it!). So, you can now picture the scene- on with the show...
Brooke Burke appears and reads her cue cards with rockin' enthusiasm... she is wearing a white wifebeater with a black bra to show us her deep understanding of the rock style. There's a boring little summary of what happened on Monday, and I already went over it... show the table of vegetables, again. I will now summarize the style choices- there are no winners here, so I give no ratings system. I will note song choices, but I ignored the performing a bit so I could write notes on the clothing... there are some horrible highlights I need to share. Sometimes when we share, it lets out the negative feelings, and the anger and sadness no longer have power over you and your interactions with others. I learned that in therapy. Onwards and downwards!
Bonus question- who makes up these song selections? Mr. Shuffle McRandom? Brian Adams and Black Sabbath do not exist in the same universe.
Marty- "What I Like About You"
Marty's outfit consists of a distressed black leather jacket, gray teeshirt, gray low trousers, and a red necktie, just hanging around his neck. Maybe he was trying to go for an ascot? He left very little impression on me; there was some bad dancing, hunch-walking around the stage, and much hand-hovering in the crotch area. Stop that, guys! I've cracked the code- when DN and INXS say to the performers, "You really work the stage" they mean "Your dancing sucks!". Or, if "energy" is mentioned, same thing. You're a total spazz.
Daphna- "I hate myself for Loving you"
Daphna, Axl wants his bandanna back! Daphna's style seems to consist of the challenge, "How much crap can i put on my head?". Yes, Daphna never met an accessory she didn't like. Feather earrings, aforementioned Bandanna, earrings aplenty, a big fake black rose stuck in one ear, ugh. There's a beige crochet camisole w/the requisite black bra (black bras totally rock!). Then, there are the pants. Huge, shiny, wide, low black leather bell bottom pants... a great visual of why you need to be heroin sick thin to be properly rocking the leather pant thing- they are unforgiving on any hip size above average, and Daphna is sporting might wide hips. She's business class, alright (needs the bigger seat! Hee...). The light shines off them and these big shiny poorly fitting pants are looking too low and then she squats. On the stage. Over and over.
Ty- "Somebody Told Me"
Ty, Ty, didn't anyone ever tell you that cropped pants are not ROCK? Barneys Coop in Chelsea yes, but not rock. Ty is proudly showing us his waxed chest and man nipples, festooned with silver jewelry & dog tags. There are 4 long chains hanging down from his pant waist, they swing about and I worry about him putting out someone's eye. His mohawk is sharply separated into 4 distinct points. He pouts when the guys don't rave over his performance... DN actually snarks "You have alot of theatre experience, don't you?" (translate- you're a total trouser pilot, aren't you?). I forgot to mention that in the first episode, TY says he loves Vernon Reid- do you think maybe he was prompted to say this b/c they couldn't think of any other African American people in rock bands?
Susie- "Roxanne"
God, put this girl out of her misery and get her off the show! She's a disaster- it doesn't help that the song arrangements are really awful, they can't sing the full song b/c of time, but her edit consists of her screaming the chorus over and over- "Roxanne! You don't have to put on the red light! Roxanne! You don't have to put on the red light! Put on the red light! Put on the red light!... sigh. She's sporting huge earrings and is wearing a denim mini over a plum colored dress. I have the word "Boring" underlined 5 times on my notepad.
Mig- "Walk this way"
Stripey shirt, all unbuttoned to show his waxed chest (does anyone just have a hairy chest anymore?), a festive choker 'round his neck, combed forward hair is an improvement but his skull is still disturbingly light-bulb like, dangerously low jeans with careful slashes on his man thighs, and a skinny chain mail tie around his neck. That's right, one of those necklaces shaped like a long skinny tie. They tried to create some suspense on monday b/c "Walk this way" had so many words (quote from Mig, "There are alot of words in this song!"). As K noted, Steve Tyler could get through it while totally smacked out, which is what you do in a band- you rehearse things to death so you can go out and play while you're totally high, drunk, or both! We're all learning here.
Neil "The summer of '69"
Neil has a pretty face and nice hair, but cannot sing for shit. Worse, he comes out with a guitar and plays maybe 2 riffs, then just uses it as a prop for the rest of the time. I get it- it's his accessory choice! Otherwise, he's a vision in denim- a sleeveless denim vest unbuttoned (again with the chest wax!) and giant patchwork studded bell bottom jeans. They show DN answering his phone, and he yells, "Dude! Lenny Kravitz wants his giant patchwork studded bell bottom jeans back!". If only that was true...
Heather- "It's only rock 'n roll"
Peachy chiffon & satin kimono thing a la Stevie Nicks gets tossed off immediately- she is wearing a green camisole with a brocade waist cinch corset, low rise jeans, and that damn studded black belt. Nothing much interesting here, but I'd like to point out the line in the song "Suicide right on the stage"... shouldn't they avoid songs that mention suicide?
Jay D- "One hand in my pocket"
A black button down shirt with only the collar button done (like a fly-away shirt!), dangerously low jeans, and we can clearly see that Jay D has a really big, long, obvious TIE (bet you thought I was going to say something else). Again with the tie swinging free over the waxed chest! Have these men hit puberty? Okay, I have to mention this- in the song, there's a line that goes "... I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is making a peace sign"- and yes, he makes a "putting hand in pocket" gesture, and indeed raises his other hand with a peace sign. Jay D, go gas up that car you were living in.
Tara- "Paranoid"
AAAArrrgghh!!! This was soooo painful to watch. Knee high leather boots, red leather fingerless gloves, teased to all hell red & black hair, studs and chains, and a very very tight denim mini dress that buttoned up the front but was unbuttoned UP TO HER CROTCH!! And she kept doing this sprawled leg squatting bump & grind, there was danger of us getting major snatch-cam. I was waiting for someone to poke a rolled dollar up there. Funny moment- she gets up in front of one house band guitarist and does this "I'm so sexy dip & sway & pretend kiss" and he does not react at all, just looks mildly forward playing "Paranoid" and you know he's all " Do not react! Do not make eye contact! Maybe she'll go away if I just ignore her...". Oh yes- she makes a "crazy" face with the song lyric "think I'll lose my mind".
Deanna- "The one I love"
Black leather pants, halter corset thingy, lots of crimped blond hair, she keeps going yyyyeeeeeaaahh and UUUuuurrrrr.... I hit the fast forward, I'm sorry.
Jordis- Some Stupid Hoobastank song
Jordis has dreadlocks (she's a white girl) and they are so large, I can't see her neck or shoulders... very "Battlefield Earth". Huge black bell bottom pants, unflattering sleeveless sheer top, elbow length fingerless gloves. Oh, Jordis? Little Steven wants his head scarf back.
Jessica- "Purple Haze"
Black triangle halter bikini top, extremely low rise jeans (I am so sick of typing that), that goddamn studded belt again, and a oddly prim hairdo (a little pulled back ponytail hold back the top of her hear, neatly teased & combed back). She keeps grabbing her crotch and inner thigh area. Did I mention how people keep doing this squatting creeping "prowling" kind of walk around the stage? It's really bad.
Brandon- "Sweet Home Alabama"
He's got a guitar and seems to be playing it too- wearing ripped jeans and and an olive drab shirt, barefoot. Very bad hair center-parted and a big bushy beard has sprouted, he's looking more Allman Brothers than INXS. But, on the positive side, he did take the raccoon tail off his fly.
I need to sleep now but will check to see who gets ousted on the next show, waiting patiently for me on the DVR. Can we just rename the show "Brandon is the new lead singer of INXS"?
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Future job?
There's an open casting call this weekend in CA for the 'Pirates of the Caribbean' sequel:
Pirates: Extreme characters and hideously unattractive types, ages 18-50. Odd body shapes or very lean to extremely skinny. Missing teeth, wandering eyes and serial killer looks with real long hair & beards. Wigs & makeup are not what we’re looking for. We also need little people, very large sumo wrestler types, extremely tall or extremely short people, albinos, amputees. Any size or shape that is NOT average is best. All ethnicities. Mostly men, very few women.
It's a whole new job world for me! If only I were a very lean albino amputee...
Pirates: Extreme characters and hideously unattractive types, ages 18-50. Odd body shapes or very lean to extremely skinny. Missing teeth, wandering eyes and serial killer looks with real long hair & beards. Wigs & makeup are not what we’re looking for. We also need little people, very large sumo wrestler types, extremely tall or extremely short people, albinos, amputees. Any size or shape that is NOT average is best. All ethnicities. Mostly men, very few women.
It's a whole new job world for me! If only I were a very lean albino amputee...
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