Mechanically Separated Chicken

Lost at the South Pole

2010-08-06T22:38:00.000-07:00

It's True.

2010-07-19T02:28:00.003-07:00

(Inaudible)

2010-07-19T02:24:00.000-07:00

I Just Can't Stay Away from the Water These Days

2010-07-19T02:11:00.000-07:00

Stating the Obvious

2009-09-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

A Visit with Doctor Whaaaa?

2008-11-20T23:30:00.005-08:00

Yesterday I had an appointment with a new doctor, an optometrist. My mom had warned me he was a little ... odd. As usual, the devil's in the details. Note - the following remarks are taken mostly from memory and what I could scribble in my notebook before my eyes completely unfocused.

"So, I see here you're a transcriber - how the fuck do you do that without falling asleep? (pause) If you'll excuse the language.

He answered a phone call in middle of the exam, although it was a wrong number, then spent time trying to convince caller that it was not the number he had meant to call.

"Now this is the first milestone of age that you can't do anything about. The same thing happened to me while on vacation in Hawaii. I was traveling with 6 year old, an eighteen month old, and a wife I couldn't stand. At the airport the six year old ran head-first into the corner of a metal sign and got a cut right near his eye. I picked him up to check it out, only to discover I couldn't see how bad the cut was, even though he was a foot away from my face. So I ended up pulling the child closer then pushing him away to get my eyes to see the kid's injury in focus."

At one point, my pupils were dialated so he could see into the inside of them. While my eyes unfocused, I jokingly asked him 'Are you getting the wires to hold my eyes open like in 'A CLOCKWORK ORANGE'? He said, 'you know that is one .... sick sick movie. I went to see that movie at Grummons Chinese Theater when it came out. That must have been when I was in the Navy, and I walked out on that movie. Such a disgusting sick movie....".

"You are going to have to spend a lot of money, this is going to be very expensive. All of ten, fifteen dollars at the drugstore."

Lost & Found

2008-11-12T17:04:00.003-08:00

Between August 2007 and August 2008, four disembodied feet washed up on the shores of British Columbia. Then another right foot washed up, but that turned out to be a joke (an animal foot in a shoe). But while I was busy paying attention to other things, a couple more feet floated in and now number seven just washed up in Richmond, B.C., on the banks of the Frasier River. This latest model is a left foot, casually clad in a New Balance sneaker, and it might be a match for one of the previous pieces of human flotsam. Or is that jetsam? Until more information comes in about how the feet are entering the river, I'll say 'flotsam'.

The Middle-Earth Hand Grenade

2008-04-06T22:35:00.014-07:00

Man Used Hedgehog As Weapon

The Associated Press: 04/06/08, 09:07:30 PM PDT

Wellington, New Zealand - A New Zealand man has been accused of assault with a prickly weapon - a hedgehog.

Police allege that William Singalargh, 27, picked up the hedgehog and threw it several yards to hit a 15-year-old boy in the North Island east coast town of Whakatane on February 9.

"It hit the victim in the leg, causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks," police Senior Sgt. Bruce Jenkins said Monday. The teen did not need medical treatment, he added.

It was not known whether the hedgehog was dead or alive at the time of the attack, but that it was dead when it was collected as evidence.

Singalargh was arrested shortly after the incident and charged with assault with a weapon. His lawyer, Rebecca Plunket, said Singalargh intends to plead innocent when he appears in court on April 17. The maximum penalty for the charge is five years in prison.

Haiku Movie Reviews

2008-03-11T00:25:00.002-07:00

ZOO (2007)

Dreamlike imagery

Versus heinous talking point:

Creepy horse fuckers

Law and Order - Bovine Crimes Unit

2008-03-10T18:30:00.006-07:00

From the local news:

An Oakdale man has been convicted of stealing twenty cows. The man admitted stealing the cows from the ranch where he worked. He will do ninety days in jail. Cattle rustling has recently become a growing problem in California. 807 cows were reported missing in northern California from May to November of last year.

"I'm so happy that this nightmare is over!"

Greetings from CA

2008-02-27T20:19:00.004-08:00

Take note of the super-cute bullet holes in the sign. They make me feel EXTRA welcome!

Freddie Mercury Should Be Ashamed of Himself

2008-01-26T15:57:00.001-08:00

QUEENS
Cops are looking for the man pictured above and a second flimflam artist who ripped off an elderly Richmond Hill man for more than $40,000 in cash after offering to fix his chimney.
The duo, posing as father-and-son laborers, knocked on the door of the 85-year-old victim Tuesday at 11:15 a.m. and offered to make the repairs for a fee, police said.
The victim agreed and the con men made their way to the roof.
Later, when they came back for their pay, one of the suspects allegedly distracted the victim while the other went into his room and swiped the cash.
The crooks, both described as 5-foot-6 white men, fled the scene in a white pickup truck.
The older suspect, described as about 50 years old and weighing 190 pounds, sports a mustache, while his younger accomplice was described as 25 years old and clean-shaven, authorities said.

Leg News of the World

2007-12-17T21:19:00.000-08:00

Attackers chop off man's 'magic' leg

Associated Press

HYDERABAD, India - Two men attacked an 80-year-old, self-proclaimed holy man in southern India and chopped off his right leg, apparently believing it had magical powers, police said Thursday.

Yanadi Kondaiah, who claimed that those who touched his leg would be cured of illness or have wishes granted, was hospitalized in serious condition after the attack Tuesday, said R. Ravindranath Reddy, a senior police officer.

"We are looking for the miscreants as well as the leg," Reddy told The Associated Press by telephone from the Chittoor district, a remote area 340 miles south of Hyderabad, the capital of Andhra Pradesh state.

"This seems to be a case of superstition. The two people might have taken away the leg hoping to benefit from its magical powers," said Pendakanti Dastgiri, the police officer handling the case.

Superstitions, belief in magic and the occult remain widespread in much of rural India.

Kondaiah told police that two men offered him a drink as thanks for previously helping them with his magical touch.

After he passed out drunk, the men chopped off the leg below the knee with a sickle and left him to die, said Dastgiri, adding that passing villagers found him and took him to a hospital.

LAW & DISORDER in CA

2007-04-25T19:50:00.004-07:00

DAY ONE of the Phil Spector Trial -

OUR DEFENDANT: Phil was sporting a cream-colored three-piece suit very like the one in SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER, but with a large-collared bright purple shirt underneath. The hair is a blond bowl/Bobsey Twin style wig (available at BOBSEY OF HOLLYWOOD™), an improvement from the super-frizzed wigout from the court appearance a couple of years back. Most of the time, Phil sat slouched in his chair, spaced-out, focusing on his fingers steepled in front of his face. Then at sudden points, he would snap out of his fugue and glare daggers at the D.A. In all, quite a yardstick to measure future crazy against. Well played, Sir.
APPEARANCE/DEMEANOR SCORE: 7 out of 10

- We started with the Prosecution's opening remarks. At bat for the State is Deputy District Attorney Alan Jackson. Young fellow, good speaker, not the freakish country singer. I like him so far.

- DDA AJ said that at least two witnesses will testify that Phil sticking a gun in a person's face when things didn't go his way was his usual MO. Come to think of it, I think he pulled a gun on almost everyone he ever worked with, was married to, or was delivering take-out food to the Castle (I hear that he's a very generous tipper, that's what keeps delivery folks coming back).

- Lana's body was found five feet away from the back door slumped in a chair, wearing her dress, shoes, jacket, and her purse on her shoulder, like she was trying to leave. The bullet lodged between the base of her skull and the top of her spine, killing her instantly. But her blood (and none of Phil's) was smeared on the nearby doorknob, so Phil literally had her blood on his hands. Charming.

- Photos show the layout of Phil's castle, with circles drawn around all the many many many telephones, none of which were used after Lana was shot. In fact, it was about 40 minutes before the police were called at all, and even then, the limo driver who finally phoned it in drove to outside the PS compound first!

- On the minus side, the jury is nine men and three women and the victim is a 'middle-aged' woman, and I know I've read somewhere that that the average criminal jury liks older women as a group least of all, even when the older woman in question is the victim (ala Mrs. OJ, Mrs. Robert Blake, M. Jackson's accuser's mom). And who hates middle-aged ladies the most? OTHER middle-aged women. And in this case, I'm certain the defense will strongly emphasize that and use the 'Nuts/Sluts' excuse i.e. what kind of woman willingly goes to a strange man's home, while she's really drunk and only wearing a flimsy slip dress? An over-the-hill pathetic whore, perhaps? A suicidal whore!

- The Defense intends to say that Lana's hands tested positive for GSR, so that all but proves that she herself fired the gun. (I think the powder was there because she was trying to push away the gun that Phil had stuck in her face, but that's just lil' old me). Obviously, Bitch was CRAZY! DESPERATE! LOSING HER LOOKS! AN INFERTILE USELESS OLD LADY! Of course she would want to shuffle off this mortal coil at a stranger's house by shooting herself in the face that she tried to keep pretty and young in order to make a living in the Business of Show. Completely believable.

- One of my least fave forensic pathologist dudes, Dr. Henry Lee, is speaking for the defense's side. He was the idiot on THE STAIRCASE who claimed that all the blood spray on the stairway's walls was from the victim's mouth gasping for air and not from the husband smashing her head in. And made a spectacle of himself by spittling red paint on a sheet of paper, which looked nothing like the spray on the stairway walls. Ass.

TODAY'S HIGHLIGHT:
The courtroom erupted in laughter later when the prosecutor played a 911 call chauffeur Adriano DeSouza placed after the shooting. The operator repeatedly misunderstood the information DeSouza, a Brazilian immigrant, was attempting to convey, including the name of his employer.

"Seal?" the operator asked.

"Phil Spector!" DeSouza replied.

"Seal inspector?" the operator said.

Remember... according to a fellow murderer:

Haiku Movie Reviews

2007-02-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

INCLUDES SPOILERS!

20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA (1954)
Captain Nemo's sub
Battles a giant squid but
Architeuthis ducks

FREEDOMLAND (2006)
Stolen car and boy!
Did the black teen do it? No!
Damn crazy white bitch!

THE LAST DETAIL (1973)
Drinking and cursing
And no lessons learned? That's some
Good entertainment!

THE UNTOLD STORY (1993)
Lunatic rapes. kills
Sells human meat buns, and worse -
He cheats at mah-jongg!

TITANIC (German, 1943)
So whose fault was it?
The iceberg? Too few lifeboats?
Nein! Blame Great Britain!

Entertainment News

2007-02-15T15:20:00.000-08:00

Heather Mills To Join 'Dancing With The Stars'?

LOS ANGELES (February 13, 2007) -- She still may be in immersed in a heated divorce battle with Paul McCartney, but hopefully Heather Mills still has her dancing shoes. According to reports, Heather, 38, has signed on for the upcoming season of ABC's "Dancing With the Stars." She will reportedly donate earnings from the show to an animal welfare charity.
Other names rumored to be joining this year's show include Billy Ray Cyrus, Joey Fatone, Danica McKellar, Ian Ziering and Laila Ali. In 1993, Heather lost the lower part of her left leg after being hit by a police motorcycle.

Dang, that would mean I'd have to watch DANCING WITH THE STARS. Oh, the shame.

And while I'm on the subject, I was wondering about Heather Mills's charges of physical abuse by Sir Beatle Paul. I admit there is very very much that I don't know about married life or divorce or Sir Paul's dark side, so I'm not going to question her allegations of pushing, hitting, or stabbing by her ex. But her claim that Sir Paul would not let her have an antique bedpan in their bedroom is impossible for me to believe. Does she not use crutches when her prosthetic leg is off? Or couldn't she use a walker? Or a 24-carat gold wheelchair with Cruelty-Free diamond detailing? And how big is their residence that there isn't a bathroom within crutching distance to the master bedroom? When I marry a man with a million-billion-grillion dollars, I will have a rotating pack of hypoallergenic Grand Pyreneeses on-call 24/7 ready to whisk me delightfully and slobberingly from expensively-furnished room to expensively-furnished room. That's just how I roll.

Shivered Timbers

2006-07-10T08:12:00.002-07:00

From a LA casting agent:

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3 OPEN CALL

Open Casting Call - Through 15 August 2006
Pirates of the Caribbean 3

Monday through Friday, 11am – 3pm

Seeking Pirates -- men age 18+, all shapes and sizes, all ethnicities: Asian, Spanish, French, African, Syrian, Lebanese, Middle Eastern, Turkish, Armenian, Arab, Persian, Caucasian, South American, Pacific Islander, Eskimo, etc...

You must be an extreme character type! We need extremely skinny, very tall, very short, hunchback, little people, unusual facial features and body types, exotic amputees, albinos, etc.

Wow, not just amputees, but EXOTIC amputees?? Hey, I'm a brown-eyed brunette/blonde, I could pass for multi-culti! And big tits! Big ol' tits and one leg always puts butts in movie seats, it's a sure thing!

I will be awaiting Mr. Bruckheimer's call....

Oops The Monkey Flies The Coop

2006-07-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

Quote of the week:
(regarding capturing an escaped monkey from the zoo)

"We hope to take advantage of a hungry monkey."

(Full Story From CNN:
http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/07/03/monkey.escape.ap/index.html)

Return of the Prodigal Cripple

2006-05-29T18:04:00.002-07:00

So....yeah!
About the hiatus? The big time out? The endless intermission?
Hell, it's been so long, the last time I wrote we did not have a new AMERICAN IDOL,

THE AMAZING RACE had not been run, and The Pussycat Dolls' SEARCH FOR THE NEW DOLL had yet to begin.

But I've been busy having my life changed, then changed back again and then changed a couple of more times. It's complicated.

There have been new obstacles!
Trials AND tribulations!
Sorrow AND pity!
Bus rides!
Head injuries!

Finger injuries!

Torso injuries!
Bad television!
Drama! Romance! Fresh fruit picked from trees!

And for a magical day, I became a gerund.

So as soon as I can get these experiences down into concise bite-sized form and I can transfer recent photographs, I shall keep this blog up to speed. Plus, updates on what I watch that passes for entertainment - movie reviews, TV reviews, book reviews, crime updates!! And for no extra charge you get my opinions! Opinions no one asked for and sometimes I can't defend!! Also also plus, the usual sad array of misspellings and punctuation errors! All in one easy-to-digest blog form.

So thanks for stopping by, make yourselves comfortable!
Get your drink and snack on!

But please take your shoes off, the carpet is new.

And neuter and spay your pets.

KTHX!

Haiku Film Reviews

2006-01-27T20:11:00.000-08:00

NIGHT OF THE JUGGLER
Mostly in daylight
And doesn't contain juggling.
What a dumb title.

SAW
Cut through your ankle
And ignore the bloody corpse.
Do I have to watch?

ELIZABETHTOWN
Two hours of whimsy,
Completely insufferable,
I hate Bloom and Dunst.

FLIGHTPLAN
Where is my daughter?
Is she on the giant plane?
Sarsgaard looks so stoned.

THE MACHINIST
Better than you'd think.
Christian Bale lost sixty pounds.
But is he dreaming?

RACE WITH THE DEVIL
Oates and Fonda flee
In a pimped-out motor home.
Red-State Satanists!

SAW - Bipedal Film Review

2006-01-26T23:34:00.001-08:00

One of the local news channels just teased a story with something like, 'School sex scandal! A teacher's in trouble, but not in a way you've ever heard of before!' My interest was piqued. I was hoping for 'teacher caught in love nest with class hamster' , but sadly, it was only a female teacher-on-female student molestation thing. Which is bad. Not entertaining! Or funny! But I always fall for that type of huckstering in movies, them promising something that's going to blow my mind, unlike anything I've ever seen, and nine times out of ten, I fall for it and eight times out of that nine, I'm disappointed.

Jaded thrillseeker that I am, I rented the horror flick 'SAW'. The reviews used words like 'disturbing', 'unique', 'the future of horror'. I was hoping to be scared or entertained, or even disturbed. I'd even settle for startled once or twice. But...no.

(SPOILERS BELOW ABOUT THE MOVIE! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!) (SORRY FOR SHOUTING!)

If you've ever seen 'SEVEN', a lot of this movie will feel familiar. A lot of green-tinted scenes (makes the blood look more vivid), seizure-inducing quick edits, a killer who sets up elaborate Rube Goldberg style ways to kill people (without them actually doing the killing themself), people tortured before they die in horrible ways, and an obsessed cop who takes his investigation TOO FAR. It opens promisingly, with two men in a filthy bathroom, each chained to the wall, a dead body between them lies facedown in a pool of blood. The two men have saws (TITLE!), there is a gun just out of reach, and a tape recording tells them that one of the men's wife and child are being held captive. Moreover, these captives will be killed if their husband doesn't figure out how to kill the other guy in the room within eight hours. By the way, either of the men can escape if they SAW through their own leg to free them of their chains. Sacrificing a limb in order to save one's life...nah, nothing I can relate to.

So after a lot of torture, running around, shooting, and red herrings (is it the killer really the crazy cop? the creepy hospital janitor? a, um, puppet?), we find out that the genius psychopath is actually (big SPOILER) a hospital patient with an inoperable brain tumor! Cancer-flavored revenge! I had heard about this twist before I saw the movie, and I know by experience that one of the side effects of a cancer diagnosis is rage. But when they show the Doctor in this patient's room in the important flashback, the Doctor describes his terminal condition rather offhandedly. And, that's it. The doctor is offed because he has no bedside manner, then? Plus,the killer is a patient in a hospital, even though it's too late to treat him, so I'm assuming they're just keeping him comfortable with heavy painkillers. They kind of take the EDGE off the anger thing, with the numbing and all. And the other people who die (or almost die) have nothing to do with the cancer patient. So the other victims didn't give him chemo or radiation or lost his paperwork for his HMO. They were merely guinea pigs? Collateral damage? Victims of over-conceived plotting? If he just killed those other people because he was a psychopath, then why bring up the cancer at all? Or maybe the brain tumor is not only killing him, but also making him insane, but still smart enough to elude capture by the authorities and build all these complicated death traps.

Besides the casual way that cancer was thrown into the movie, there were other things that bugged me. The parts of the movie that were sped up past 'frantic' to 'funny'; Danny Glover as the crazy cop (he never says 'I'm getting too old for this shit'); and how almost all the movie is flashbacks or flashbacks-within-other-flashbacks. The one redeeming bit of cleverness was that the killer was actually the 'dead' body in the room between the two guys, but I know I can't stay still for five minutes in an MRI, never mind being face-down on a tile floor in a puddle of blood for eight hours. And I must give a big shout-out to the worst car chase I've ever seen. The IMDB said that the filmmakers ran out of money for a chase, so they turned on the fog machines and had crew members push the cars around to suggest movement, then choppy-style edited the footage. Somewhere Ed Wood is kicking himself for not thinking of that himself.

To sum up, it's a pretty sub-standard gory horror movie with a superior ad campaign. And I'm a one-legged sucker with too-high standards out of $5 yet again.

I Can Has Biskit?

2006-01-23T20:58:00.001-08:00

Rip It Out

2006-01-19T23:09:00.005-08:00

I really have no idea why I feel like this is important enough that I have to share this, but you know, my middle name is 'sharing equals caring', which is why I don't own many monogrammed items.

Early today I went to the prosthesist's to give the C LEG™ a once around the, um, small room. Walking walking walking. I had to try so hard to remember all the little details that you never have to think about to walk naturally. I'd walk, turn, walk and sit down. Also, the socket that the residual limb fits into is plastic-y and tight-fitting so I have to slop a lot of limb lotion (which might be the actual brand name) all over it to be able to pack it all into the socket. Then once the air is pushed out I turn a knob on the bottom of the socket and the leg is held in place by suction.

However.

Just by moving around normally and my limb changing in shape as I move, I end up with a lot of air pockets inside the socket, so when I stand or sit? Out rips the wettest, loudest fart noise I've ever heard outside of a Third-Grade classroom. PHHHHHHRRRRRAAAAPPPP! PHHHHHHRRRRRAAAAPPPP! PHHHHHHRRRRRAAAAPPPP! My own personal soundtrack. Like I don't feel embarrassed enough. On the up side, I know how to endlessly amuse my ten year-old and eight year-old cousins.

How I spent October 2005, Part Two

2006-01-11T00:40:00.001-08:00

What else did I learn in the hospital?
- Hospital food is just as bad as advertised. And BLAND, oh so BLAND. At least airline meals come with salt and pepper to add flavor. Because I spent nearly a month in the hospital, food tasted incredibly salty or sweet after I came home.
- Between the 3/4 right leg amputation, picky eating, and 3 hours a day physical therapy, I weighed forty pounds less when I got sprung from the hospital. I don't recommend anyone else doing the same thing. Try South Beach instead.
- In the hospital, dignity equals pants. Wearing pants means you're going home. When you have pants on, you don't accidentally flash your friends when they come to visit. In short, I heart pants.
- Coming back home after amputation is disturbing. You're back in your old life but in a new form, and unlike the hospital, you don't have people there to help you so the difference is dramatic. Want to eat on the couch? You can't because when you're on crutches you can't carry plates or bowls! Want to take out the garbage? Same thing! Buy groceries? Ditto! Enjoy having your body hold you hostage and being wholly reliant on other people!
- While they do usually help you get better, hospitals are also a great place to pick up something to make you sicker. I was home from the hospital for four days, then felt horrible on day five. My brother-in-law took me to the Emergency Room when my temperature hit 101. By the time they put me in a room my temperature was 103.5.
- When your I.V. gets ripped out of your arm/vein accidentally, you have a total Sam Peckinpah moment; the blood goes PPSSSHHHH, spurting arcs all over the place, seemingly in slooow mooootion. To stop blood from spurting PPSSSHHHH out of your arm, apply direct pressure to your arm yourself, because your nurse will be more comfortable yelling at you ("Direct pressure! Direct pressure!") instead of applying the actual pressure herself. It's not like she took years of training and school to learn such a thing, or worked in a place where such a thing could EVER happen, you know?
- It's very very embarrassing when you pee all over the floor on the way to the bathroom because you are weak and on major painkillers and feverish and are still not able to move quickly enough on crutches to reach the bathroom in time. Please note that THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN TO ME ANYMORE. AT ALL. IT HASN'T HAPPENED FOR QUITE A WHILE NOW. I'M FINE, REALLY. MORE OR LESS.
- If you pee all over your hospital floor and yourself, just tell the nursing staff about it; they've seen worse. Do not try to clean up the floor with paper towels while balancing crouched on one foot because you will just fall over.
- Falling down after a leg amputation is extra horrible if you, on the way down, reflexively stick out the leg that is not there anymore and land directly on the end of your stump. Falling directly on the end of your stump will make you shriek louder than you ever thought you could.
- Nurses move very fast to get to you when you shriek louder than you ever thought you could. Try it, it's fun!
- There is a V.I.P. section in this particular hospital and they actually get better food. I heard that because of the hospital has many specialists treating sports injuries there are members of every major sports team going into and out of the place. When I was put in that section, on the first day I had a lunch of steak, mashed potatoes, steamed broccoli, and apple pie for lunch that had 'flavor' and tasted 'good'. Once they realized that I was merely one of the hoi polloi and not some overpaid pro, that kind of meal never happened again. If Nellie Bly was still with us, I bet that's what she would be working on an exposé about.
- If you are infected with something that may be contagious, aka a staph infection, possibly the new unstoppable MRSA infection, you get a whole hospital room to yourself.
- Mind you, you will not be told anything about having this very important and possibly life threatening operation until the doctor on the night check glances at your chart and says offhand, 'I see you're being operated on first thing tomorrow.'

- The surgeon will flush out the wound and cut off the infected tissue, sewing up the remainder of the limb, leaving a bigger, deeper scar running completely across your leg.
- Two years later, if you draw two dots above the side-to-side leg scar on your residual limb it looks like a brontosaurus's happy face.
- The brontosaurus was actually two different dinosaur skeletons accidentally combined and is now not considered a legitimate type of dinosaur. So for accuracy's sake, let's say the limb-with-dots face described above looks like an apatosaurus's jolly happy face.
- As Eudora Welty once said, being in the hospital on Halloween sucks big donkey dicks. Eudora was no fool.

- When your birthday is a few days after Halloween, nearly a month from when you checked into the hospital for the original operation, you sure as shit do not want to be there on that birthday.

- Rushing to get out of the hospital, being careless, if you fall down again on the end of your residual limb, this time starting from a standing position, you'll shriek even louder than the last time and will think that you broke some your pelvis. Have an X-ray. Please, I insist.
- If you are sitting on the floor after you fall, crying in pain and your hospital gown slips off your shoulders leaving you naked from the waist up (you were trying to change your clothes when you lost your balance) a nurse will pull it back up over your tits if you're lucky. I was.
- Finally, when you finally get to go home from spending nearly another two weeks in the hospital you don't want to go back again. Ever. Not for the rest of 2005, anyway. 2006 is a whole other story altogether.

Sharing/Caring

2006-01-09T22:40:00.000-08:00

The thing I have learned today: when 1/4 of you is missing, certain people will feel perfectly fine asking what happened to you (regarding said 1/4). Because of my famous niceness, I tell them the truth (they ARE asking out of caring, after all, not to razz me like 'HA HA, NO LEG! Serves you right getting CANCER! BWA!'). That's when allllll the stories come out about every cancer case they've ever known, as if that would be all I'd want to talk about after living in Cancerland for two years.

Fer example, tonight I went to catch a movie at the Film Forum (B/W early Hitchcock 'Young and Innocent', very good). The older fellow (named Bill) I stood next to in line waited about a second before asking me what happened with my leg. I told him cancer, inoperable tumor. He wasn't expecting that and he started saying over and over how sorry he felt for me and how much he PITIED me. Wow. How does one react to someone telling you, out of kindness, that they pity you? I was all, 'well thanks..I mean, sorry...actually I'm OK now, really!' Then he asks me if I'd heard about Lou Rawls, who just died. He said, 'You know what got him? Cancer! Brain and lung cancer! Horrible! You know why he got it? (mimes putting a cig to his lips).' Ah. Smoking, yes. Bad stuff. So then he started telling me about his personal brushes with the big C. For instance, his father died before he was born. Apparently, he had esophageal cancer which eventually killed him. Bill said, 'I was told he coughed up blood like a fountain.' Yikes. Also a smoker, by the way.

Then whilst we were standing in line (YOU try standing on line for 20 minutes on one foot; fun, eh?) he asked me to watch his spot in line, he would be back in a few minutes. Like to guess why?

He was outside having a cigarrette.

Technical difficulties, please stand by

2006-01-07T22:32:00.000-08:00

OK, sorry to all of y'all for being away for so long, but you know, life changing stuff was going on. I had the big leg-removal surgery in October, and the readjustment back to civilian life has been a little bumpy. But oh, how much I've learned! It's like my Grinch brain has grown three times it's size! For example:
- You don't want to have surgery in the afternoon. You can't eat or drink anything for at least 24 hours before and if you have a 6am call time, you're so out of it that you don't register how hungry you are and your caffeine headache is not incapacitating. My call time was 11am with surgery two hours later, so I felt physically craptastic along with being emotionally bereft for a couple of hours.
- It is comforting to have a nurse give you a small beanbag lamb to squeeze while you wait for surgery.
- It is not comforting to have lots of scalpels, saws, knives, and assorted sharp metal instruments be the last things you see before they put you under anesthesia.
- In the U.S. they don't gently cradle your head while someone else sticks a needle in your back for an epidural.
- Anesthesiologists all work from the same script; they all tell you that they are going to send you to 'a happy place' just before they put you under.
- Under sedation, your hands do feel like two balloons.
- If someone you know is having serious surgery but you are not part of their family, you DO NOT stroll into the ICU to visit them on that same day while they are recovering. Especially if you have been specifically told NOT to come see them until they want visitors. A good rule of thumb is if the patient still has an oxygen mask on, it's not visiting time.
- If you have been told by the patient's family that you should not be here and that they will call hospital security if you don't leave, you really SHOULD NOT come back to do the same thing the next day.
- If my sister tells you to leave the room, that 'you are NOT my friend,' and her husband is being silently menacing, you should leave and NOT COME BACK THE THIRD DAY. YOU ARE NOT WANTED THERE AT ALL.
- If uninvited people are still showing up at the hospital, make a list of allowed visitors and give it to security.
- The push-button-instant-morphine-delivery system RULES. Simply press button and enjoy not feeling anything.
- I have a frightening tolerance for painkillers. They gave me three different painkillers which did nothing for my excruciating pain before giving me Dilaudid (a heavy duty opiate featured in the movie 'Drugstore Cowboy').
- When you have taken too much Dilaudid, you will stop talking in the middle of a sentence, your mouth will drop open, and your head will flop back like a broken doll's. Drooling is optional.

More hospital learning to come!

You can't always get what you want

2005-09-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

Finally. The last RockStar:INXS. Now I can go back to obsessing about myself and my leg (brief update: October 4th is my surgery date, but that’s another blog entry in itself). Previously, INXS interviewed the ‘rockers,’ the contestants sang, and Suzie was given a booting.

In a completely not contrived way, the three guys toast to their being the final three. They also miss Suzie’s ‘femaleness.’ J!D! notes that Tim Farriss said that INXS would be ‘complete’ next week. Everyone is now a threat to each other. Dave ‘Count Chocula’ Navarro happens to stop by to let them know what’s going on. Tomorrow they get their new (product placement) cars and are taking themselves to a showroom to meet Andrew Farriss and collaborating on a new INXS song. Yow. J!D! calls Andrew a ‘genius’ and hopes to be writing songs with INXS for the next twenty years. Lucky them. Overused words during this conversation are ‘awesome’ and ‘dude.’

Marty writes in a notebook getting prepared for tomorrow. J!D! does not. He says rock and roll shouldn’t be too over thought and ‘rock and roll lives in the holes, man.’ Mig thinks it would be foolish not to be prepared for meeting Andrew Farriss. The next day they drive their new cars over to the studio. Marty comes in first and immediately tells Andrew that he has some ideas. Marty sings along to the playback something about ‘pieces.’ As long as it’s not about trees, I’m happy. Andrew tells us that Marty’s chorus was ‘virtually correct in every sense I could think of.’ Meaning…? The two of them go back and forth about whether or not a certain part of the song is even necessary. Marty folds pretty quickly, wanting to show he can get along and not be controlling. Andrew says he was ‘stunned’ at the lyric that Marty put together. Marty leaves happy.

Mig is up next. Sadly he has given in to his sappy tendencies and slowed down the song. Andrew notes that Mig really put some ‘energy’ into the lyric. Andrew asks Mig about changing the last part and he falls silent. Andrew notes that Mig is still too much of a sweetie-pie and he’s not sure that’s what INXS need. Andrew suggests another ending and Mig quickly agrees to it, saying to us that Andrew has an impressive track record so if he suggests something, he should go along with it. Mig sings an unfortunate lyric about ‘eagles wings’ and being ‘up for anything.’ Someone owns a rhyming dictionary! Mig fears he couldn’t live up to Andrew’s expectations, but Andrew claims to not have any expectations. Once again he tells us that Mig is a little into the happy things and life isn’t always about that.

J!D!’s turn. He comes in saying that he was thinking of a ‘love and war sort of thing’ and throws around the word ‘motif’ as if he knows what it means. Andrew plays guitar, J!D! sings about nothing in particular. Andrew then asks him if he has more lyric ideas, but J!D! does not. Andrew says to us that when he saw what J!D! had down lyrically he thought ‘…okay.’ They finish a line using the word ‘wrong’ and try to use ‘strong’ to rhyme, finally settling on ‘moving on.’ Andrew says that J!D! thinks ‘outside the square’ and ‘thinks very quickly,’ both of which are good. J!D! thinks he made a good impression saying ‘writer, writer, spark.’ Andrew thinks J!D! has a lot of passion but perhaps he needs some of Marty’s discipline by actually writing things down.

Back to the Rock Haüs. Dinner is laid out and it looks like veggie wraps yet again with plenty of red wine. Mig calls it the Last Supper (with J!D! as Judas) and asks the other two what they’ll miss the most about the mansion. J!D! says ‘the chicks.’ Marty says ‘the beautiful women.’ Goofus, meet Gallant. J!D! likens that night to having six lottery numbers and the last ball is still rolling and you’re like (gaping).

Next morning the three go into the song picking room and there is one red envelope. The note inside tells them to pick any song performed on the whole season to showcase the fact that they are the one for INXS. Next to them is a large stack of sheet music that J!D! picks up and promptly slides all over the floor. They get on the floor and Mig suggests that if they want a song to pick it out of the pile. J!D! wants ‘Come As You Are.’ ‘Pretty Vegas’ comes up and Marty snatches it aside. ‘Bring It On Home To Me,’ ‘Dream On,’ ‘California Dreaming?’ No takers. J!D! gives ‘Wish You Were Here’ to Marty. ‘Imagine’ and ‘Suffragette City’ go by. J!D! puts aside ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ for himself. ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ comes up and Mig picks it up and bites the sheet music. J!D! passive/aggressively asks the others if they mind if he does ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ because it means a lot to him and his friends back home will know what that means. J!D! adds that in his will (!) they are to play that song, that and ‘Sympathy For The Devil.’ Once a tool, always a tool. He finishes by saying he doesn’t want to digress, he’s there to progress with INXS. Hey, someone else has a rhyming dictionary! What are the odds?

Marty plans to do ‘Wish You Were Here,’ saying that it gave him a new voice and shows off how much he’s learned. Mig says there is only one song he wants to sing that badly and J!D! guesses correctly that it’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’ Mig thinks that choosing that song will now not work against him because he’s shown he’s ready to move on (from his ‘We Will Rock You’ past). Marty smartly notes that Mig is ‘walking on thin ice’ by choosing this song because why sing a Queen song if you want to prove you’re not in a Queen musical anymore. He calls it a ‘shaky decision.’ Of course, instead of telling Mig this, he tells him to go for it. Over J!D! playing ‘You Can’t Always etc etc.’ the three contestants pack their suitcases to leave the mansion. Mig carefully packs his Aussie flag and military jacket. Marty simply dumps a drawer into his suitcase. J!D! and Mig pack their guitars and everyone is out the door, filing past the pool. Mig calls this the most exciting experience of his professional career. J!D! claims to now be a better artist and human being because of this experience. Marty says this is where they all have to go on stage ‘guns a-blazing’ and if they lack any confidence they will fail. So long Rock Haüs, we’ll always remember the wine and vegetables.

During the credits, we see that at some point last night, the three guys (no doubt started off by J!D! ) throw all the wicker outdoor furniture into the pool. I bet they leave their beds unmade and their wet towels on the floor, too. Crazy!

Tuesday night and aren’t I glad? Brooke is at her least slutty tonight because it’s such an important occasion. All three ‘rockers’ and INXS are decked out in black as well. It’s like a wake for rock music. All the losers then parade on stage and are given a big drunken hand from the audience. Ty and Suzie get the loudest responses. Hello, INXS. Hello, Dave. Recap of the whole season so far. Rockers competed, blah blah, much jumping around, fist pumping, falling down, cooter grabbing, slutty dancing, pointing, and falling into the audience ensued. Tim hated sending everyone home. J!D! was a SuperTool from the very beginning, Marty was out of control, flailing and screaming until he found his voice, Mig was so popular that he remained out of the bottom three until the last week. More footage of jumping and shirtlessness. Whoo.

Brooke claims that Dave ‘guided’ the rockers until this point, meaning taught cross-dressing techniques and gave out waxing tips. Any thoughts from Dave? Tonight is all about awesome awesomeness. Who thinks they’re going to win? Everyone’s hand goes up. Dave asks J!D! if he thought of driving his new car into the pool. He says he did, but where is he going to live if this doesn’t work out? Marty, what it was like leaving the mansion? They’re all better performers now and they’re all ready to move on. Not really an answer…Mig gets no question, almost like he’s out of the running already. But what do INXS think? Kirk says they have been recording their new album all summer and at the end of the night they’ll know who gets to record with them and front them on a world tour.

Mig is up first. He has on a new Wig. Flashback on Mig’s journey, leaving behind ‘We Will Rock You’ for a chance to sing with INXS. In the first week, he sucked singing ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit,’ but bounced back in subsequent weeks. He really wanted ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ the first time it came up and now he’s getting to do it for INXS to show how far he’s come…from starring in a Queen musical?? Logic is not Mig’s strong suit. So off we go, singing singing singing. He sounds fine, like he’s sung this many times before. I think I liked Suzie’s version better, she was having more fun with it and sang better. Garry (Garry) looks like he’s trying not to laugh. In the audience, Suzie is singing along. All we’re missing is some Fosse moves and some jazz hands.

J!D!’s turn. Brooke calls him ‘the most (long pause) outspoken rocker of them all.’ So he’s an asshole, noted. Horrible footage of him singing ‘American Woman’ from the first week (much crotch grabbing is involved) then footage of him flailing around to ‘California Dreaming.’ To my eye, there’s no difference in his performance (less crotch grabbing maybe), but INXS start liking him from this point on. However, the house band clearly hates his guts and I’m with them. His hair is waxed beyond belief tonight. He sings ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want,’ trying to look ‘soulful’ but his face says ‘passing kidney stones.’ As usual, he overdoes the performance (stomping, squatting, pointing) trying to cover up his lack of singing talent. He finishes the song halfway into the audience, allowing some lucky skanks a chance to touch his waxed head. Mig claps for him, Marty doesn’t.

Marty is on now. He’s described as the former ‘mad conductor.’ Wow, they aren’t kidding. Marty himself describes his first performance on stage as ‘plugging my finger in an electric socket.’ I want to put a wallet under his tongue. Eventually he learned from INXS’s critiques to stand still and just sing. Tonight he’s singing ‘Wish You Were Here’ again. As usual, his eyeliner is impeccable. It’s a great song and he sings it well, but as a showcase for the scope of one’s voice and performance skills, it’s not so good. Again, Garry (Garry) tries not to cry. Both Mig and J!D! clap at the end of his performance.

Deliberation time! Who has just performed on this stage for the last time? Who has performed their final point, final stomp, and final flying knee-drop? As always, it’s up to Tim Farriss to deliver the bad news. He first thanks them all for their time, effort, and talent and says it’s been an incredible journey. But it’s time for the sad piano of rejection, which means someone is getting a booting. Mig, we’re so sorry but you’re too Broadway to be the lead singer of INXS. Back to ‘We Will Rock You.’ Dave tells him that it’s been a joy to see him perform and that he’s an incredibly nice human being. So he has absolutely no future in the music business then. Mig says he’s jealous of the remaining two and whoever they pick is going to put on the best show on earth. He thanks everyone who voted for him in Australia and the Philippines (?) and here also. He then heads over to hug the other castmates. What, he doesn’t get to meet INXS and say a proper goodbye?

Tim says that it’s been too long and that now the contestants are going to get to sing an INXS song with INXS themselves. They file onstage and Brooke throws us to a commercial. So where does Dave Navarro go, is he stuck back there on the banquets by himself? Aw. Back from commercials, we get a laser show with our INXS performance. They start playing ‘Don’t Change.’ The lights go on and it’s Marty singing. Unfortunately he’s singing with a fake English accent and sounds like he’s trying to imitate Michael Hutchence, instead of singing in his own way. He also keeps to himself and doesn’t go near the other guys in the band. He is able to hit the tricky last notes well, so it comes off fine, if stiff.

J!D! is up now singing ‘What You Need.’ He moves around a lot, as usual and has more of an interaction with the band. He sounds good, for him. Oddly, in the middle of his performance, he runs to the side of the stage and quickly drinks some water. Notes a little hard to hit, perhaps? Not a bad performance for J!D!, the tool. Deliberations. Marty and J!D! pretend to like and respect one another. Any last thoughts, Dave, you he-whore? Thanks to everyone, it’s been the best summer of his life. Tim? He says that it’s been a very long time for INXS to go without a singer and however much it means to the contestants, it means much more to them because now they are a complete band again. Both were wonderful to play with onstage. Compliments for J!D!, compliments for Marty. Tim then says ‘J!D!’ and fakes mental anguish, hanging his head. Then he whips his head up, tears off his shades and says that he is right for their band INXS. He immediately falls on the floor into fetal position, then gets up and has tears in his dead, black eyes. The band all salutes him and do a shot of something alcoholic. Tim thanks Marty and wants to talk to him about opening for them on their world tour. If you ask me, that sounds like a better offer than to be the guy replacing what’s-his-name. Dave tells Marty that if he ever needs a guitar player, he’s on board. Final thoughts, Marty? He congratulates J!D! and says he deserves it, and that he thanks INXS for the time they’ve put into making him a better performer and person. He also does not get to say a personal goodbye to INXS.

INXS now play their new song ‘Easy Easy’ with lead tool J!D! Fortune! It sounds like it was written by putting all the INXS songs into a computer and this is the generic outcome. J!D! also begins squatting his cold dead heart out. The band may want to have a word with him about this. Brooke tells us as the band plays on that if you think you’ve got what it takes, if you have passive/aggressive tendencies, if you have no social skills, if you’re a backstabbing whiner, if you don’t believe in preparation or practice, if your last known address was your car, if you have a thing for red wine and vegetables, this could be you next year. So apparently they plan on doing this show again with another band, or the same band if INXS get sick of J!D! ‘s bullshit and beat him to death one night in his sleep. As for me, I have learned absolutely nothing and am disappointed that evil has prevailed. Ah well.

What the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here.

2005-09-19T21:46:00.000-07:00

And it’s time for the penultimate RockStar:INXS! Yay, whoo. Throw my hands in the air and recap like I just don’t care. And I don’t.

Well it turns out they did do a one hour show last week. The bottom three were Suzie, Jordis and J!D! (even though he got the encore!). INXS songs were sung. Jordis was sent home. There was crying needless to say.

Back at the Rock Haüs, there is drinking and adjectives being thrown around like ‘great’ and ‘killer,’ especially about J!D!’s performances. He says he loved playing for INXS. Marty says that Jordis’ elimination has been the hardest because he was really close to her. Mig says Jordis now has the rest of her life before her. Suzie remembers Jordis would tell her not to cry and spoil her makeup. And that sets her off crying. Mig tries to comfort her but she says she’s only crying because she’s so honored to be there. She says that INXS really see her talent (you certainly could see it up her skirt last week). Mig feels guilty that he’s never been in the bottom three or had to sing for his survival.

Hey everyone, it’s Dave ‘old vinyl’ Navarro at the Haüs! Dave asks how it’s going and notes how quiet it is. Marty says that after being with fifteen extremely talented people being one of the last four is an honor. Tomorrow, each one of the contestants are going to have a one-on-one job interview with INXS. Dave likens it to trying to build a relationship. J!D! interviews that tomorrow he plans for the first time in his life to be completely honest with anything they ask him. And like it or not, he plans on being with them for the next twenty or thirty years.

In a completely-not-set-up moment, J!D! is in the driveway, strummin’ his guitar, singin’ along, when up pulls a white limo. J!D!’s mom and sister get out. He first falls over backwards, then starts crying them and hugging them. The mom and sister look like each other, but not really like J!D! He ‘jokingly’ asks to borrow fifty bucks. They ‘laugh.’ His mom had three jobs, he dropped sister off at preschool, broken family, heartbreak, parent’s divorce, blabbity-blah. He tells them he was feeling fragmented and he thanks God that they showed up now. He sits with them outside but does not invite them inside or introduce them to the other cast mates.

Interview time. Kirk wants to find out their motivations for being there. Suzie says, ‘Interviews, ugh!’ but knows how important this is. J!D! is up to bat first. Kirk calls him ‘edgy’ and ‘almost dangerous,’ and wants to make sure that when the pressure is on, ‘he’s not going to flip out’ (hang himself from a doorknob). Tim asks J!D! about his cockiness and bravado. J!D! says at first, it was about insecurity and standing out, but now he really does want to be in their band. Jon looks unimpressed. Garry (Garry) asks him about getting along with everyone on tour. J!D! doesn’t think he would cause problems and he sees how they all relate to each other. Tim asks about his family (start the violins). J!D!’s ma and pa split up when he was five and he has a sister. He then happens to have family photos on him and starts showing them to the band. Kirk notes how much his family and fitting in with the INXS family means to J!D! Tim has one more thing. He gives J!D! an envelope with this week’s song selection in it and says they want to hear “Pretty Vegas” again. After the interview he says he regrets nothing and hoped he connected with INXS. Along with the sheet music to ‘Pretty Vegas’ is the music to Pink Floyd’s ‘Money.’ ‘Holy crap!’ says J!D!

Teeny-tiny Mig is up next. Tim says that from the start Mig has seemed like the nicest guy, but he’d like to see more edginess. Tim asks Mig what his history in musical theater is before he was in ‘We Will Rock You.’ He was in ‘Rent,’ ‘West Side Story,’ ‘Grease,’ and ‘The Buddy Holly Story.’ Tim says it may take a bit of work to dilute Mig’s theater side. Tim asks him about bands. Mig was in a band called Randy Badass and the Slick Master Five, The Honkies, and just formed a band called Mignition (groan). INXS laugh politely. Jon tells Mig he’s a really nice guy, but if he was the lead singer of INXS would he be assertive enough? Mig says absolutely and says that his niceness is not a sign of weakness, but him trying to cooperate with everyone. If he became the new lead singer they could trust him to be there always. Mig is not a selfish person, he’s a giving person and he would be honored to be a part of their band. He’s dismissed but Tim still has his doubts that Mig is anything more than just a sweet guy. In Mig’s envelope are ‘Kiss From A Rose’ (what’s more edgy than Seal?) and The Rolling Stones’s ‘Paint it, Black’ (not a typo).

All seven feet of blinding white Marty are up next. Jon remembers Marty wanted to bring a new edge to INXS. How would he apply that to their back catalog? Marty says that first off he has respect for the music but would be telling it in his voice. But now INXS needs to ‘take it to a new level.’ INXS created ‘dance rock’ but now the music world is about singles. Tim notes Marty being forthright on wanting to take them further musically (the shot of INXS as he says this makes them look really old) and admires his self-confidence. Andrew says that when he first saw Marty he thought he was a mad, ‘nervous conductor’ but he doesn’t seem nervous now. Marty likes to be in control, but a patient control. Kirk says that he is clearly thinking about what he and the band should be doing. In his envelope are Radiohead(!)’s ‘Creep’ and his own song, ‘Trees.’

Suzie asks Marty to wish her luck. She’s nervous because this is the first time she’s hung out with INXS ‘intensely together.’ Andrew says he admires her strength and tenacity (yay!) because she’s been in the bottom three so many times (whoops!). Kirk says if she was in their band, everyone will want a piece of you all the time. Is this about her putting out? Does she think this will effect her? Suzie starts off saying everyone has their down days, then her train of thought derails. ‘Wait…I had it…’ Tim noted this nervousness and worried about her in a press conference situation. Jon wants to know where she thinks their musicality is going. She says that right or wrong, she sees them going in the same vein they have been. ‘If it’s not broken, it doesn’t need to be fixed.’ Outside J!D! says no one knows how much he wants this job. Mig notes that they all want this job. We don’t get to see what music Suzie gets. Gee, it’s like she doesn’t matter.

INXS confer with one another. Kirk thinks they saw the real ‘them’ and that they’re all different from each other. Garry (Garry) says that Suzie is ‘hands-down’ the best singer, J!D! is the most riveting personality, Marty has come a long way, and Mig is unique too. Kirk thinks they have a tough job in front of them and is concerned about Suzie’s ability to handle pressure. Andrew thinks she’d need guidance. Kirk also notes that J!D! and Marty are never short of an answer. Andrew is not so sure that J!D! is saying what he means, or if that’s what he wants you to hear. Tim thinks there may not be a difference. Jon sees vulnerability in J!D!’s eyes, and thinks he’s misunderstood. Have these guys never watched the footage from their own show?? Andrew wants to know when the cameras are gone who’s going to stop J!D! playing games with everybody. Garry (Garry) notes Marty and Mig’s focus and dependability. Andrew remembers Mig’s musical theater background as a good thing. Garry (Garry) was surprised that Mig has been in so many (three?) bands and that he doesn’t seem genuine. Jon thinks Mig looks like a rock star, but is Mig a Rock Star? Kirk and Tim both like Marty’s assertiveness. Garry (Garry) thinks Suzie can always fall back on her voice. He also would like Mig to sing an INXS song. Tim likes J!D!’s ‘edge’ and bad boy image, while Kirk thinks he has some issues. Jon thinks if J!D! wasn’t coming out of left field all the time he’d be a fun guy to be around. They are stumped.

At the Rock Haüs Marty sings an acoustic version of ‘Creep’ while we get a montage of J!D! lounging on the couch, Mig at the piano, and Suzie on the treadmill. Which one of these people is not like the others? Can Mig show his darker side? Will Marty prove he’s got what it takes (INXS aren’t into screaming, you know)? Which rocker will escape the bottom three? Why is a raven like a writing desk? These questions will be answered as soon as I can type them.

Over the credits, J!D! tells the other three guys that he had promised them a ‘full moon.’ He then brings out a cake shaped like a naked butt. He gets Suzie to take a bite out of the middle of the center crease. They laugh at how obscene (and anatomically correct) the hole looks, and they laugh that the center is chocolate. Eww. J!D! notes that this week, they all finally got a piece of ass. Also eww. Thank you, Mark Burnett, evil baker.

Performance night! Brooke is recycling a tiny microskirt tonight and is making the front row her gynecologist. Hi INXS! Hi Dave ‘Center Part’ Navarro! He says Brooke looks like an adult superhero. ‘Thanks, Dave, I’ll take it’ she replies robotically. Dave claims that he had such a good time ‘rocking out’ with INXS that he’s going to play with the contestants tonight. Whoo. Recap of last night. Mig felt guilty, Suzie felt honored. J!D! got to see his mom and sister as a reward for getting the encore. They all interviewed with INXS, questions were asked. Everyone was good except Suzie. We finally briefly see that Suzie has Stone Temple Pilots’s ‘Interstate Rock Song.’ Dave asks Marty if he thinks he came off as too controlling. In short, no. Tim respects this and says there are many things they can learn together as a band. Mig has never sung an INXS song, having never been in the bottom three! Is this bad? Mig thinks that the record buying public are making it known that they want him as the new lead singer. Say Suzie, why should INXS pick a female lead singer? She says they should be looking for the best person for the job, not a man or a woman. Where has J!D!’s ‘softer side’ been all season? He claims that he’s always been there, it just took his family to bring it out. Kirk notes that tonight is critical and next week someone will be singing a new INXS song. Just as long as I never have to hear ‘Stop, Go’ ever again.

Suzie is on first and feels she has something to prove, being the only woman left. Suzie comes out to sing ‘Interstate Love Song.’ My sister pointed out that Dave Navarro’s leather pants are exceedingly tight, yet neither, ahem, frank nor beans are on display. I’m guessing he’s tucking (and that he taught Mig how to do it by the looks of things). Must..concentrate..on..music! At the end of the song Suzie plows into the crowd, still singing, sounding good, making faces at the camera. Good times. She says that we all need to be aware of stuff going on around us, like nature and stuff. Segue into 4 Non Blondes’s ‘What’s Up.’ Ugh. Bleh. She sounds fine, I just hate the song. She asks to see arms. The audience complies. Dave says the audience was so into the second song it was amazing. Garry (Garry) compliments her on her voice and calls her incredible. Tim said she really showed her versatility and that she did a great job of working the crowd.

Time for J!D! and Pink Floyd’s ‘Money.’ I like how the sheet music says ‘moderately with shuffle feet.’ Bleh, first we have that damn ‘Pretty Vegas’ song. Oh, it’s a glitter-covered bullhorn, did he do that himself in the Haüs’s craft corner? Now he’s trying out a new half-split/squat for size. Sadly he doesn’t fall over. He’s playing to the cameras and the audience. He also has a men’s tie on his waist. Segue time. He wants to know how many people in the audience have enough money. Silence, then laughter. How many people wish they had a little more money? Whoo. He makes INXS laugh by asking how many people want a whole (fucking) sack of money. Heh, he curses and wears swears on his shirts! Edgy! ‘Money’ starts and it sounds wrong musically. The bass should be much louder. Also the timing is tricky and he’s not in time on the chorus. Then on the guitar solo he throws a big sack of fake money into the crowd. Not many people bother to go for it. Tool. Dave thought ‘Vegas’ was ‘dope’ and thought he did a great job with ‘Money.’ Tim thought J!D! really pulled it off. Oh and if J!D! has that kind of money to throw around, INXS won’t have to pay him! Har har. Kirk can’t get ‘Vegas’ out of his head. Poor guy.

Marty and his Trash and Vaudeville shirt are on now. He decides to do an upbeat happy ‘Trees.’ It’s an acoustic guitar version with Dave on additional Acoustic guitar. It’s fine, it’s fucking ‘Trees.’ Now on to Radiohead’s ‘Creep.’ It starts out soft but there’s a big loud emotional part right near the end with some really hard notes to hit. Whoever does his eyeliner every week does a very nice job by the look of his close-up. He does a pretty good job of the song and almost gets the hard notes at the end right. Dave says he did a dynamic set. Garry (Garry) says the acoustic ‘Trees’ worked nicely and thought ‘Creep’ was fantastic.

Mig comes on last with his Seal song (I wish it was about fish) and Rolling Stones song. We’re looking for a darker side here. ‘Paint it, Black’ is up first. He does it all quiet with a piano then the instruments all come in. They really make it sound like a Broadway version of the song and Mig’s vocals aren’t helping. After finishing Dave gives Mig the secret handshake of the Tucking guild. ‘Kiss From A Rose’ is up now, and I guess the theme this week is mostly ‘songs Megan hates.’ His voice sounds better on this song, though. Dave thanks Mig for letting him play on ‘Paint it, Black.’ Kirk asks Mig if he’s happy with the song choices this week. By wild coincidence, ‘Black’ just happens to be Mig’s all-time favorite Rolling Stones song! Kirk ‘good on you, mate’s. Garry (Garry) says he wants to hear him sing an INXS song, but he doesn’t think it’s going to be this week. Dave recommends Mig lose his jacket. Mig obeys his Tucking friend. Aw, this is the last performance show. And here’s the early voting results from best to worst: Marty, J!D!, Suzie, and Mig. Good thing he lost the jacket.

On to elimination, as always. Drama! Emotion! Tucking! Vegetables! Millions voted, who will be going home tonight? Hi INXS, Hi Dave. Recap of the recap. Suzie, J!D!, Marty, and Mig sang, sang, sang. And lost a jacket. Who thinks they deserve the encore? Only Mig raises his hand. Oh shoot me, the people out there want to hear ‘Trees’ again. But who will open for Marty? Audience? They choose J!D! He thanks them so much. He asks what song they want to hear. Again, shoot me, they choose ‘Pretty Vegas.’ Bleh. My cat pees on the floor. I wish I was kidding. Now Marty asks the audience (collective I.Q. 60) if they want to hear ‘Trees’ acoustic or electric. They vote for the electric version and he smashes a guitar! Edgy! INXS don’t seem to know how to react to this. Marty sings ‘Trees.’ I look at the clock and my fingernails.

This week’s final top three contestants win their own 2006 Honda Civic and it comes in a hybrid version. Whoo, environmental stuff is so sexy! And edgy! Back to the mansion last night for some self-conscious ‘fun.’ Group hug. J!D! is 100% happy with his performance tonight. Suzie says she was rocking out and nothing feels better. Marty says he reached notes (almost) that he thought he couldn’t do. Cheers to Mig never being in the bottom three. Marty can’t believe one of them is going home.

Dave notes that if one of them has a misstep, they will regret it for a very long time. They must be feeling the pressure, right, Marty? He says it’s tough to know someone is going home tonight, but that’s why all the performances have been phenomenal, because of the pressure. Tim does really like all of them and their performances aren’t making it any easier. Mig, will you be happy if you stay out of the bottom three tonight? Mig says absolutely, he’s on a winning streak. J!D!, you tool, a few weeks back you really sucked but you are much better now. Is this the best of J!D! Fortune!? J!D! says that this experience has helped him grow in the past two months, and that he hopes INXS will find out what he has for the next ten or twenty years. That’s give or take a restraining order. Suzie, since you’ve been in the bottom three five times, how should the others handle it? She says she knows just where to stand on stage, and to give it all you’ve got. She also has a few tricks she’s keeping to herself because she’s going to kick their asses. Mig gives out a big theatrical laugh. Ha HA!

No one thinks they are safe. Last night the top to bottom ranking were Marty, J!D!, Suzie, and Mig. But time passed and other people from other countries voted so things may have changed. Or not. Brooke has the final bottom three, which she’s calling in no particular order. First up is Suzie. Garry asks her to sing ‘Suicide Blonde,’ which I think they’ve given to someone else who ended up going home. Um, not giving anything away here. She sounds fine, she can sing, the song is a sub par INXS number. Garry (Garry) asks her how she’s changed enough to be the lead singer of INXS. She says she went from insecure to really believing in herself and is ready for anything.

Sad guitar of the bottom three. Who’s next? J!D! He has to do ‘By My Side’ which I think Deanna had to sing once (or was it Suzie? One of those blondes). J!D! sings it very Elvis-ish, but still sucking. Being J!D!, he has to squat at least once. What did J!D! learn over these past few months? J!D! says when he got there all he was focused on was being the lead singer of INXS. Then his ‘friends’ (Marty and Mig) woke him up (smacked him around). Suzie shows J!D! where to stand on the side of the stage.

Marty and Mig, Mig and Marty. Who is going on to the finals? Who is in the bottom three? Brooke notes Marty had the encore and Mig has never been in the bottom three. Suspense. Marty is going to the finals, so Mig gets to sing tonight. Mig and his highly disturbing flesh colored leather suit. Talking about tucking, man, Dave must be so proud. Mig has to sing ‘What You Need.’ He sounds pretty good if a little thin. There’s a lot of stomping and a lot of pointing. He rips his shirt open on the middle break part. There’s that edginess! Tim looks mildly amused. Mig finishes on the ground after a big jump. Kirk tells Mig to stop loving the audience. Then he wants to know how Mig feels he has developed over the last ten weeks. Mig came in thinking he was going to kick ass until he saw his competition and his confidence waned. But every week has been trial and error, trying things, and he’s having the time of his life so he feels like he’s already a winner.

It’s INXS’s most grueling elimination yet. No snickering. It’s up to Tim (the mean Farriss) as usual, to drop the axe on someone. It’s been agony on the band! Agony! They are all so talented, but more importantly, one was a little worse than the others. In a week, INXS will be a full band again, so it’s a really hard decision. J!D!? Will be at the finale. Gah. So it’s down to Mig and Suzie. Go, sad piano, go! Suzie is crying already, Mig looks like a wax dummy as usual. Tim drops the axe. Unfortunately, Suzie has a vagina and therefore, is not right for the band INXS. You can tell she knew it was going to happen. There’s a lot of booing in the audience. Even Dave Navarro looks stunned through all his Botox. Mig goes back to the other boys. Suzie thanks INXS for their music, she loves their music and can’t wait to hear more of it. She tells the other performers good luck and tells them to kick ass, and she loves them all. And that’s it. Andrew (the nice Farriss) asks her over for a proper ass-pinching, erm, goodbye.

Well, that’s almost it! RockStar will be going on tour this fall but seeing as my amputation of most of my leg is nigh, I will have to miss it. Wah. Hopefully, my DiVo will be on it’s best behavior and decide to tape the show tomorrow. I shall be out on the town but will recap as soon as possible.

And I wonder when I sing along with you

2005-09-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

Ahoy, mateys, ‘tis time for a big, fat RockStar:INXS recap (today is also National Talk Like A Pirate Day, arr!). This one is from 9/4, 9/6 and 9/7. Pardon for the compression, but I really want to get up to date in time for Tuesday’s grand finale.

RockStar Mansion. Everyone misses Ty, especially Jordis. She’s crying and sad. J!D! tells her to use that emotion in her next performance. Everyone in the truck for a clinic. It’s photo time! They are the new faces for Levi’s. There is a stylist. The photographer wants intensity and emotion! J!D! tries for a ‘sexy’ look. I throw up a little in my mouth. Mig does a little hop (for a little man). He moves around a lot and actually says ‘yay! I love having my picture taken!’ Jordis hates having her picture taken and was very uncomfortable. Marty has had someone play a practical joke on him. His pants end just below the knees, giving him a look like he just had a drastic growth spurt. The photographer liked him. Suzie is last. She is not ‘too sexy’ but in a good way. Group shot! I must read the wrong magazines because I haven’t seen this ad campaign yet.

Back at the RockHaüs, it’s J!D!’s birthday. Mig and Marty surprise him with a giant cake shaped like two wings reading ‘human being.’ How I wish he was a ‘human leaving.’ And because J!D! is a total tool, instead of cutting the cake, he grabs a handful of cake and throws it at Suzie and Mig. Jordis and Marty also get into the act and soon they are all completely cake-covered. Poor cake, it deserved better. Oh, but it gets worse! They all strip to their underwear (augh, I’m snow-blind! Oh, no, that’s just Marty’s pale body) and jump into the shower together. Whee! Then the boys are all in the hot tub together. Haa! Then Marty pours wine down J!D!’s leg and Suzie drinks it off of his foot. Barf! Oh, those nutty, crazy rock stars! What will they do next?

Time for songs to be passed out. This was shot out of sequence because everyone is back in their clothes, which are perfectly clean and cake-free. It’s viewer choice week. They could pick a song that the contestant has done or pick a wild card song. Everyone picked the wild card songs. There are also fan comments (my comment, ‘be more entertaining’ was not chosen). They are all happy with their song choices. But there’s more! INXS also wants them all to also do an original song as well. J!D! gets all passive-aggressive and refuses to read his comments, then tells Suzie to read just one, then says he doesn’t want to hear it. Someone actually has the nerve to compare J!D! to Han Solo. ‘Have they even SEEN ‘Star Wars?’ says J!D!

Marty wants to sing his song called ‘Trees.’ Jordis worries about her new song ‘Try Not’ coming right before ‘We Are The Champions.’ Rehearsal with the house band. By the way, where do the house band live? Are they in another wing of the mansion? A hotel? In their cars? Jordis had no direction for her song despite the house band’s suggestions.

And now, the ‘best’ scene in the whole show. Over the credits, J!D! Sits in his underwear on the remains of his cake on the table. Then in the next scene he’s gone, Suzie comes to the table and EATS come of the cake that was under J!D!’s shabby ass. I look for something sharp to gouge out my eyes.

Performance night! Brooke is in a belted purple nightie. Hi INXS! Hi Dave ‘no nickname this week’ Navarro! According to the audience, they are ready to ‘rock.’ Thank God for alcohol. Recap of Sunday night! J!D! is up first tonight with Nirvana’s ‘Come As You Are.’ He plans to do it ‘classy’ and ‘artistic’ and doesn’t want to be compared to Kurt Cobain. No danger of that happening. He does it sped up and with piano accompaniment. It’s very lounge-y until the guitar solo then it’s back to its original form. He sounds like someone from Crystal Ship imitating Jim Morrison imitating Kurt Cobain. That’s not a compliment. His segue consists of asking the audience if they’ve ever been searching for something. Then he adds ‘and when you find it you find that it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.’ Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated? ‘Pretty Vegas’ is his original song and it features J!D! singing into a BeDazzled™ bullhorn at one point. Then he does a knees-bent squat at the front of the stage, looking for all the world like he’s going to crap a playground on the stage. Not. A. Good. Move. Oooh, he threw the mike stand! He kicked over the bullhorn! What’s next, throwing a tambourine? Dave thought J!D! was awesome. Tim liked both songs. Kirk notes past weeks haven’t been his best but now ‘he’s back.’

Suzie’s fan song is Bonnie Raitt’s ‘I Can’t Make You Love Me.’ Everyone loves that song. Except me. It’s a sitting-down performance, very dentist’s office music. INXS fidget on the couch. So it’s a mellow thing, Suzie sounds fine, not as good as last week. Nap, er, segue time. Time for ‘Soul Life,’ dedicated to the ‘most true man she knows,’ Ty Taylor. It’s also a mid-tempo snoozer. Eyes getting heavy…It’s a really boring song, it never really takes off. Her long denim split right up to her crotch is much better at showing off her range than her song is. She’s made the first row her gynecologist. Dave thinks Suzie is the strongest vocalist on the show and says she really delivered. Tim agrees with Dave. And the house band is one hell of a great house band. Garry (Garry) thought her song was incredible.

Now Mig (and his Wig. It’s not too Big) is up. He’s singing The Black Crowes’s ‘Hard to Handle,’ which he had wanted from the second week. He sings and does the stompy move. And yes, at the line ‘take my hand,’ he puts his hand into the teeming masses (audience). Off comes the shirt. He’s going to bring it down now, singing a song about the pain of losing someone. INXS look concerned. Mig’s original song is called ‘Home In Me.’ He’s playing electric piano keyboard. Drunk girls in the audience drunkenly clap their hands. Yawn. More dentists’ office music. Mig gets a very lukewarm reception from the audience. Dave thought Mig showed a lot of range tonight, but he’s not sure how his original song relates to INXS. Mig says that they of all people would understand losing someone and moving on (naming no names). Tim says his original song is not an INXS song. Garry (Garry) liked both songs (songs).

Jordis (another word my spell-check hates along with ‘Mig’) is up now. Her fans’ choice is Queen’s ‘We Are The Champions.’ J!D! and her fought over the song in week 3 but now it’s hers. She notes it’s a very hard song to sing. Off we go. Well, she sounds better than J!D! did, but that’s like saying a kick in the shins beats a poke in the eye. She’s not bad but she does it in a key that sounds a bit too high for her and she doesn’t hit all the hard high notes. It’s over! Her original song is ‘Try Not,’ which she wrote with her pal Marty. It’s about something we can all relate to, being overwhelmed by being on TV. INXS have no reaction to that. It sounds really half-baked but at least it’s not slow. The audience doesn’t really react to her except for the drunken front row, desperate to be on television. Dave thought her original song had a Fiona Apple sound to it (I think that’s a compliment). However he doesn’t think her lower range is as strong as her upper range and wonders aloud if she’s ‘losing fire.’ Jordis says she feels like she’s stumbling. Jon appreciates her youth and thinks she’s doing a great job.

Last of all is Marty with the Foo Fighters’s ‘Everlong.’ He’s concerned because the chorus is really high and screamy and INXS doesn’t like Manic Marty. He does the same thing that Dave Grohl figured out; it’s easier to sing with just acoustic guitars instead of trying to hit the high notes in the rock version. INXS appear to be enjoying him. On to the original Marty song ‘Trees.’ It’s about being in love or trying to get someone to fall in love or something like that. And it’s about Marty himself. It’s an upbeat rock thing, not bad. Marty’s hip bones sighting! Gah! Way too much white-white skin. Dave liked how Marty ‘dialed it back’ with ‘Everlong’ and thought ‘Trees’ could be on the radio today. Garry (Garry) also liked ‘Trees.’ Jon thought it was catchy and was ‘the hit of tonight.’

You know the drill, here’s the voting, la la la, voting voting voting. Early results show the contestants in this order, from best to worst: Marty, Suzie, J!D!, Mig, and Jordis. But everything could change! Oh yes! And off we go…

To Wednesday night, elimination time. The most painful elimination so far, I’m sure. And because someone in Mark Burnett’s company likes me, it’s only a half-hour show tonight. Hello again to INXS. Hello again to Dave. Recap. Dave thinks it’s been a hell of a week. Dave also notes how uncomfortable Jordis looked at the photo shoot and reminds her that the winner of RockStar:INXS will have to have their picture taken a lot. Jordis felt she was rushed and hates people looking at her. Dave claims if he saw a picture of her mowing the lawn, he’d be riveted. Probably to see whether her dreads will get caught in the machinery. Suzie, Dave wants to show everyone…your picture! What a look! What a tranformation! Suzie really sees how much she’s learned and changed over the weeks. J!D!, if you were any more of a tool you’d have to change your name to Home Depot. No, he did the photo shoot well, yeah yeah, but how was the birthday party? J!D! says they work hard all week and he wanted everyone to play hard at his party. Dave notes that Suzie was drinking off J!D!’s toes and wishes that he could have been invited.

So there was voting and the most popular original songs were Marty’s and J!D!’s. Who gets the encore? The world picked J!D!, the tool. But wait, who gets to be J!D!’s opening act? Oh dear, it turns out that INXS has noticed things in the world have kind of gone to shit, and they’ve written a ‘powerful’ song about it, called ‘Us.’ And all five contestants will be singing it behind INXS playing. How ‘American Idol’ of them. Hey Dave, come on in, the water’s fine! Onstage, dude! His pants are pulled so far up the crack of his ass I’m wincing. J!D! sings about things changing. Love is all we need to bring us all together apparently. Jordis sings. Marty and Suzie sing together. Everyone now! Suzie sounds good doing vocal gymnastics over the other people singing. Mig is hitting an unfortunate note. Hey, Marty never got his own spot singing alone. Oh well. Time for J!D!’s ‘Pretty Vegas’ yet again. He talks about searching for something and maybe finding it. Suddenly a huge piece of the theater breaks off, hitting J!D! and reducing his body to a thousand broken parts. Oh, that’s me just projecting my dreams again, sorry. Singing etc. Learning nothing from the previous night he squats again, legs wide apart.

God, Brooke says that they’ve been on the air all summer long. THIS is how I spent a chunk of my precious time, recapping this damn show. And there’s a RockStar:INXS CD for sale, go look for it yourselves. Goof on the singing! Squat along with J!D! Make your cat run under the bed and refuse to come out! Back at the mansion after last night’s show, Marty says that Dave’s comments made him a very happy boy. Suzie didn’t think she did the Bonnie Raitt song well enough. Mig has been trying to suppress his nervousness, but today his hands were shaking so much he could barely rip his shirt open. Jordis thought J!D!’s banter was great and she’s feeling the pressure. She wonders if she’s the right person for the job.

Dave asks Jordis about the pressure. She denies feeling pressure and wants to continue. Dave thought J!D! was better this week than the last few weeks. What did he do? J!D! says he stopped the ‘game playing’ and just focused on becoming the lead singer of INXS. Mig, why were you so nervous watching J!D!? ‘Well I hadn’t seen him perform like that.’ You know, pogoing, squatting, posing, while barely singing in tune, or well at all. Mig claims that J!D! made the audience froth at the mouth and that following that with a mellow song was not a good idea. I think following that with a painful series of shots to the stomach is usually the course of treatment.

On to the voting. Brooke asks who thinks they are in the bottom three. Mig and Suzie and eventually Jordis raise their hands. Here are the first results from best to worst: Marty, Suzie, J!D!, Mig, Jordis. But then the rest of the world got to vote, and things change! And just as they come back from commercial…my DiVo asks me if I would like to erase this show now! Aaah! So, I went to the official website and turns out it was Jordis who was sent home. Wah wah. Sorry for the anticlimax. I don’t even think they got to sing the INXS songs this week. Hopefully they’ll do better next time (and so will my machine). Until next time, me harties. Arr.

Everybody's down on their knees

2005-09-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

What up? RockStar:INXS, that’s what. It’s another elimination night (August 31st). Who will still be in the running to be the new (and soon forgotten) lead singer of INXS? Who will be sent back to the Broadway choruses? Stay tuned (can one really be tuned into a blog?).

Brooke Burke welcomes us to the show. She’s whored out again in low-slung jeans, shredded black ribbon tank and black bra. She claims last night’s show was ‘epic.’ Hi contestants! Hi INXS! Hi Dave ‘Maybelline’ Navarro. I usually don’t mention Dave’s ‘outfits’ but you should know that along with the muscle shirt and pants, he is wearing a black leather jacket’s sleeves. No jacket, just the sleeves.

Now a truly wonderful moment. Tim says that the band have been keeping track over what has happened on the Gulf Coast with Hurricane Katrina. They have played New Orleans many times and the people have been awesome to them. He wants us all to know that they have made a contribution to the Red Cross and that their thoughts and prayers are with everyone down there. And after this nice, heartfelt sentiment, Brooke robotically slurs, ‘OurhearsgoouttoeveryonethanksTimandDave. All right, back to business…’ Great segue.

Like every week, the band is facing their most difficult decision yet. Brooke claims that last night’s spectacular brought everything to a whole new level (third circle of Hell). We flash back to last night when Dave told J!D! he was stunned that he didn’t bother to learn the INXS song before the recording session. He thought that INXS were going to tell him what to do. Suzie says that they took a long time in there. Mig says J!D! has a method behind this behavior and not to knock him down until they’ve heard the finished product. Ty was (fucking) awesome, J!D! pogoed to Elvis, Marty toned it down, Jordis almost made Jon cry (in a good way), Mig showed off his upper register to mixed reviews, and Suzie rocked the house with ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’

So who gets tonight’s encore? Ty, Suzie, and Jordis all raise their hands. Who’s it going to be? Dave says last night was ‘epic’ and though it was a tough call, he and INXS decided that they want to hear Suzie sing again. But wait, there’s more. Eee. She gets to pick who ‘opens up’ for her with their encore. She picks Marty. Eee. Off we go into ‘Wish You Were Here.’ I start to think about what to have for dinner, what am I going to wear to the benefit tomorrow, do I have enough cat food, I wonder if Marty does his own eye makeup… whoop, song’s over. Garry Garry looks like he’s going to cry. Suzie’s up now. Nice green leather jacket, not so nice wide leg jeans. Suzie sounds even vocally stronger tonight and it looks like she’s really enjoying herself. She also was rocking so hard that one of her long earrings fell off.

Before we find out who was in the bottom three, we go back to the Rock Haüs to check out the post-show party. Everyone is all ‘yay’ and ‘excellent.’ Red wine and veggie wraps all around! But talk soon turned to elimination. Mig does some math and figures out that half the people there are going to be in the bottom three. Suzie doesn’t want to be one of them. Mig thinks he’s going to be one of them. Suddenly we’re outside smoking with J!D! and Suzie. J!D! pissily (spell check doesn’t like that word) says Suzie had no right to say what she said. Which if you check the second paragraph, was only that they were taking a long time in the studio. Huh? Suzie looks at him like he’s the passive-aggressive nut that he is. In another smoking bunch, Ty says he’s sick of someone getting ahead of him because he’s been too nice to him. Wha? Back to J!D! saying that he doesn’t know if he can forgive Suzie for that comment and he thought she had his back. Way to blow things waaaay out of proportion, Ass!Hole! In a side interview J!D! claims that he’s toned down himself so he could fit in with everybody here. There’s a frightening thought. She again tries to apologize and he brushes her off with a ‘later.’

Suzie joins the other smoking group and is crying that she doesn’t want to be anybody’s enemy and wants to be compassionate. Ty notes that bullies don’t pick on people they feel will stand up to them, and that Suzie is stronger than she gives herself credit for. Marty? Is disturbed from the bottom of his forty year old heart about Suzie’s night being ruined by J!D! Back to the live studio. Dave’s impression of the evening? ‘Pretty trippy.’ Dr. Dave also wants to know why Marty feels so bothered. Marty thought that he seemed insecure about his performance and that he took it out on Suzie. As he says this J!D! makes his face of ‘what the? I’m so confused and misunderstood.’ Tool. Also they need to remember that the drama here belongs on the stage because this is about finding INXS a lead singer. It sure isn’t about entertaining me, that’s for sure. Dave also notes Ty’s upsetness. Ty thinks that J!D! is a great enough singer that he doesn’t need all the other bull(shit). Dave wants to know how Suzie is feeling. She feels bad for hurting his ‘professionalism’ and that he felt she didn’t have his back and his upsetness hurt her back. But they worked it out. Oh, whew. Not like this show could stand a little drama of a feud. Let’s see what J!D! thinks! He came in with the win at all costs approach, but he's really just here to sing.

Dave wants to know if Jordis thinks she will be in the bottom three tonight. Jordis says she thought she was in the bottom three last week for sure. She was ready then and she’s ready now. How about Mig and his big elf ears? He doesn’t want to be putting his head on the chopping block at this point and going home. He does want INXS hear him sing their songs, but maybe in a few more weeks. Dave wants to hear from Marty again. How was his taste of the bottom three? He notes that he went from the top three to the bottom three in one week and he thinks he’s going to be in the bottom three this week. However, he’d be proud to be in the bottom three and sing for INXS.

Brooke asks the contestants who thinks they are in the bottom three as of last night. Everyone but Suzie raises their hands. Then she puts her hand up in a half-assed way. Actually, last night after the show the bottom three were J!D!, Ty, and Marty (BOO from the audience). But as the rest of the world got to vote, one more person joined this group. It’s Jordis. Suzie and a confused-looking Mig are safe this week.

The first of the bottom three called to the stage is J!D! He says he’s been dying to do an INXS song. He gets ‘This Time,’ a mid-tempo upbeat thing. J!D! doesn’t put very much power behind his singing and he’s horribly off-key on the chorus. He tries to compensate by doing the Belinda, the Total Eighties Dance, and the Pogo. Overall a pretty underwhelming experience. Afterward Kirk asks him how it felt to sing an INXS song. ‘It’s like, trying to describe my favorite summer as a kid, man. It’s impossible,’ he says in a ‘choked-up’ voice. I ain’t buying it. Dave thought it was awesome that he was pointing to his ‘brothers and sisters’ in the Peanut Gallery. Because pointing rocks!

Two losers left on the list. Ty, come on up to the stage! He gets up there and says while he wants to sing an INXS song, he’s a little heartbroken because he thinks he does what he does well and he’s going to do it well again right now. Say that ten times fast. Ty gets ‘The One Thing,’ another upbeat rock song. He sounds a little off also, especially when he stomps or pogos around. He ends the song in the classic Jesus Christ pose (arms out). Garry tells him first off, Ty got the chorus lyric wrong (‘it’s the one thing’ instead of ‘you’re my one thing’) but says it was well sung. Then he asks what Ty can bring to the table for INXS. Ty says that more than his heart, it’s his soul, and the ‘nucleus’ of the INXS sound is rock and soul. And he doesn’t see who is going to sing soul like himself. He continues that ‘we all have our things, and that’s why I love everybody.’ But his thing is soul and he brings it on strong.

Plaintive piano, how I missed you! Down to Marty and Jordis as the final member of the bottom two. Brooke fakes out Marty, then tells him he actually got more votes than the bottom three combined. So Jordis is on the block. She gets ‘Listen Like Thieves.’ It’s an up-tempo… oh Goddammit it’s an INXS song! They all are variations on up-tempo rock/soul things! Go check it out on iTunes if you don’t know what it sounds like. So Jordis actually sounds pretty good if a little subdued. And yes, at the lyric ‘everybody’s down on their knees’ she drops to the floor. She sticks to the song until the final chorus and does some vocal gymnastics with the lyrics. Not bad, really. Jon asks her what she can bring to the band INXS. Besides a vagina. She says she can bring a young open talent for them to use and she hopes to stay around long enough to show them what she can bring.

Deliberations, deliberations. We’re back to give someone the boot. It’s Tim’s job again to do so and he starts out calling them all amazing singers. BUT. He says that all three performances tonight were underwhelming. It’s fun watching the looks on their faces as this sinks in. They range from chastised schoolgirl (Jordis) to an empty fake smile (Ty) to punched in the kidneys (J!D!). They are told to figure out what went wrong or they will be next. So who is it? Ty, you’re just not white, er, right for their band, INXS. He looks pissed. The other contestants look sad (Mig looks like he’s trying to keep his wig on). Dave calls Ty and incredible performer and an astonishing star. Then he asks if there’s anything he wants to say to the guys. ‘Yeah, so much.’ He thanks them and says it’s been like a dream come true. He wouldn’t have changed anything he did, he looks forward to one of the other contestants singing with INXS. Then he says though he’s a positive person, it hurts him that as a People(!) that he belongs to, that they aren’t given enough appreciation in Rock and Roll, and he knows what he did and that he still ended up in the bottom three, and he can’t pretend to not know why it is. Andrew stands up and says he’s giving him the respect he deserves, he performed great, and that he’s an ‘awesome’ soul singer. So. Yeah. Awkward. He’s black, but he’s great at being black, then? He shouts out to the rest of the Peanut Gallery then wades through the crowd to say goodbye to INXS.

Thus ends tonight’s elimination. I swear, I’m going to try my hardest to get this blog caught up, so next week’s episode is going to be rather short. You will laugh, cry, wet yourself, and hate J!D! all over again. Until then, be good or if you can't be good, be careful.

Fashion forward in reverse

2005-09-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

Check out what J!D! Fortune! managed to get away with last week on RockStar:INXS. This still doesn't mean you need to start liking him now.

Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters

2005-09-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

What’s up, baby birds? Time again for another recap of RockStar:INXS (8/30). Once again apologies for completists – my DiVo doesn’t recognize the title RockStar:INXS as something worth recording on Sunday night (that’s been corrected for this week’s show). A quick recap of what happened at the Rock Haüs on Sunday – Dave visited and told the contestants that this week, they would all be doing a vocal for a new INXS song. They began learning the lyrics. Marty (Gallant) worked extra hard and J!D! (Goofus) took a nap. They went to the studio to sing to a playback. Ty and Mig sang like the former cast members of “We Will Rock You” that they are. Tim and Jon Farriss were concerned with Jordis changing the melody when she sings. Marty sounded like he was passing a kidney stone at first but improved when he used a different key. J!D!‘s (parking his gum on the music stand) lack of preparation was apparent to everyone. Suzie impressed the Farrisses the most. The songs came out, that they would be singing with a string section and a chorus, included ‘Imagine’ and ‘Suspicious Minds.’ Suzie would not give ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ to Mig because he didn’t give her the original song last week. Nyah nyah nyah.

Dave ‘Tougher Than Pleather’ Navarro spins some revisionist history saying they all ‘had a blast,’ at the recording session but he was disturbed by J!D! not learning the new INXS song. J!D! naturally has passive/aggressive reason, claiming that instead of him putting his imprint on the song, he thought that INXS would tell him exactly what they wanted on the song themselves. Suzie notes that she wasn’t there but they seemed to take a long time. Mig chimes in that J!D! has a ‘method to his madness’ so he’s not going to put him down until he hears the final project. J!D! then asks Jon and ‘Andy’ Farriss if they were disappointed in his performance that day. Andrew says the exercise was to bring themselves to the song (that’s not an answer, clever boy). He then asks Jordis why she kept changing the melody. She was under the assumption that the track was a starting point to work off of, a ‘skeleton.’ Andrew says ‘open to interpretation?’ Yep. Well, thanks but no, they were meant to stick to the melody. Whoops.

Kirk notes that Marty stayed up all night working on the song and has put extra effort into everything they have ever asked him to do (overlooking the week of ‘Stop Go’). Has this compromised Marty? He admits that he didn’t know anything about the ‘Sixties soul vibe’ the song was supposed to have (strange, considering he’s about forty) and thought it went badly until Andrew asked him to sing it in the ‘female key’ then it all worked out. Dave thinks we’ve heard a new voice from Marty. Back to Brooke, who is wearing hip-hugging jeans, see through black tank, black bikini top, thigh high white boots, and a black dog leash thing around her neck. She says nothing of note, I just wanted to mention the whore-tastic outfit.

Ty is up first tonight with The Rolling Stones’s ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want.’ Before he sings, he interviews that he grew up in church singing in choirs so he’s ‘all about gospel and rock,’ thus INXS will have no choice but to hire him. The look is red open necked shirt with a pinstripe vest and matching pants. He sounds good but the choir doesn’t sound very good. I’m going to assume that it’s a miking problem. He throws in a few ‘YEAH YEAH’s in at the sped up part (is that the gospel part or the rock part of Ty?). He points out afterward that his mother is in the house and she looks adorable. Dave thought Ty’s voice was ‘spot on’ tonight. Garry Garry thought he was incredible. Jon just says he was (fucking) awesome (they blurred out his mouth, so much for live TV) and well done. A sign you’ve been watching this show too much – you can tell the Farrisses apart.

J!D! is up next and he has chosen Elvis’s ‘Suspicious Minds’ and as usual, he’s messing with the arrangement. He also admits that for a few years he was an Elvis impersonator (I wonder which version, perhaps Living-In-His-Car-Elvis) so this song is like ‘closure.’ The song sounds just a little sped up. So much for changing the arrangement. He’s sporting brown pants, brown vest, no shirt, no shoes, no service, and a hat at a rakish angle. Maybe he comes off better live because I cannot understand how he’s avoided being in the bottom three so far. He’s truly adequate, really par. During the slow part he eye-rapes the entire front row and tries for an ‘Elvis’ sneer but lands on ‘Billy Idol’ instead. He ends the song with a flying knee-drop. Crack. Snap. Dave Navarro notes his de-Elvising of the song, isn’t sure what it will ultimately do for him, but he thought he was good. Jon Farriss asks ‘Why. Did you pick that song?’ J!D! says for two or three years he was just known as a dancing monkey who did Elvis songs so this is the first time he’s sung the song as himself. Andrew Farriss thought his rendition was powerful. For a passive-aggressive dancing monkey.

On to Marty singing Pink Floyd’s ‘Wish You Were Here,’ another slow, sitting down kind of song. Bye, Manic Marty! He’s wearing a black suit and a red open neck shirt, maybe borrowed from Ty. Best of all, he’s wearing shoes. It’s so wrong that he thinks he comes off better on the shouty songs, because he sounds much better and much more in key when he’s doing the quiet songs. The choir is mostly quiet on the song, just a ‘year after year.’ The crowd reaction is very loud and enthusiastic and he steps off stage to hug his aunt. Dave wants to know how it felt to do a Pink Floyd song with the strings and choir. He says the last moment was probably one of the greatest moments of his life. J!D! and Jordis clap at this. Dave notes the smoothness and ease of his vocal delivery. Kirk thought the song really suited his voice and Marty was awesome. Turns out this song is Garry Garry’s favorite song off of one of his favorite albums and he plays it to death in his ‘cah’. He cites the song being about a missing band member which is why it moves him so much (that’s the closest anyone’s come to mentioning the verboten Michael Hutchence) and says that less is more. So yay for Marty.

After taking a big chance last week by sucking, Jordis decides not to play it safe again. She’s doing John Lennon’s ‘Imagine.’ She’s also going to play acoustic guitar along with it because she feels like she really needs to redeem herself this week. She’s wearing a black long dress with a cutout chest hole and a lot of black beads. This week she sounds much better, hitting the notes (including the tricky high ones) with ease, which gets a big audience reaction. She gets stronger by the end and finishes the song smiling. Then she gives a big hug to her mom and seriously crazy looking dad (imagine Jerry Garcia plus Chong). Dave thought she was phenomenal. Kirk thought she was ‘spellbinding,’ but wanted to know about the guitar playing. She says she just wanted to ‘be’ the music. Jon said that it took everything that he had not to cry as she sang and she has totally redeemed herself from last week. Mission accomplished.

Time for Mig and Wings’s ‘Live and Let Die.’ Perhaps you might have thought that the former cast member of ‘We Will Rock You’ would fight for the only Queen song. Au contraire! Mig decided to go back to being passive this week and do the Wings song instead of the song he wanted. But he’s not just being Mr. Nice Guy, he’s thinking of the competition and not auditioning for the lead in ‘We Will Rock You.’ Mig is wearing a white open collar shirt, black jacket and black leather pants. And shoes with a little heel, aw, how cuuuuute. It’s a very theatrical performance (of a very theatrical song) and he does some extra vocal runs during the instrumental parts. Seems the choir wasn’t needed for this song but the string/horn section had to do double duty. He also holds the last note reeeeeeaaallly long and ends with a single knee drop. Nice. Dave kids he was seventeen years old when that last note started. Jon thinks it was a smart song choice but Kirk thinks (after saying how great the house band was first) that he shouldn’t have been singing during the instrumental breaks. Mig claims he got carried away. The audience boos and Garry Garrrrrry reprimands him with a stern, ‘Kirk.’ Garry finishes by saying that he thought Mig did a great job.

Finale time with Suzie taking on ‘Bohemian Rhapsody.’ She wanted it more than any other song she’s had before, but when she got it realized what a task she had taken on. ‘What have I gotten myself into?’ No kidding. She’s wearing a purple leather jacket with blousy sleeves, black tank and pants, beaded wide belt, purple sequined scarf and black gloves. The performance is a bit subdued up to the ‘little silhouette-o of a man’ line when she starts loosening up and really seeming to enjoy the herself. Jon and Garry Garry are singing along all goofy-like. As many times as I’ve watched this, it’s still pretty awesome to see Suzie, the audience, and the choir start jumping up and down with the ‘rock’ part of the song. Dave practically foams at the mouth saying it was one of the most spectacular things he’s ever seen with the song and the strings and choir and everybody being so so super! Kirk says that although it’s a very hard song to sing and play that was the best performance he’s seen through the ‘whole show. Ever.’ Jon calls her a true pro and says he’s so proud she wants to be a part of their band. Suzie falls to her knees with gratitude. Some Random Dude yells ‘Suzie rocks!’ Indeed.

Time to vote (if you own a time machine). Do we have early voting results? Why yes, thanks for asking! Bottom three are J!D!, Ty, and Marty. Lines are open up to four hours and tomorrow we get the results, but sadly it’s another one hour results show so expect more padding than at a junior high school prom (thanks folks, tip your waitress). Megan out!

Don't change a thing for me

2005-09-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

INXS elimination night 8/24! Hi INXS (still minus Garry Garry)! Hi Dave ‘what’s up baby birds’ Navarro! Hi Brooke Burke! Nice to see you own a jacket with sleeves and can use a placemat as a skirt! They summarize last night: Suzie rocked out and flopped into the audience, J!D! did Foreigner no favors, Deanna had Ty check her homework, Ty’s ‘Proud Mary’ ‘brought down the house’, Mig finally stood up for himself (and it worked), Manic Marty was back, and Jordis made funny noises which caused Dave to raise both waxed eyebrows. After the contestants got back to the House of Liquor and Vegetables, Jordis said she thought she butchered ‘Dream On,’ Marty doesn’t want to stop screaming and start singing, Deanna thinks INXS say the same things (‘staying in her comfort zone’) about her every week, Jordis worries about being in the bottom three, Ty thinks ‘some people’ did not do their best this week (Ty himself excluded, natch), and Suzie thinks this week, anything goes.

Yes, anything (scripted) can happen (after a season’s planning) on RockStar:INXS (no one talk about Michael Hutchence). But first who gets the encore? Everyone but Mig and Jordis think they deserve to do the encore. Ty thought last night really felt like a show and not a competition so he should get the nod. Deanna is really proud of the song she wrote. Mig is also proud of his song, but he thinks other people were more deserving. He’s going to get nowhere with that passive attitude. B-E aggressive, Mig! Dave thought the encore performer last night went above and beyond anything they had seen them do before. It’s….Toronto’s own Suzie McNeil! She’s plenty surprised and gets big hugs from camera hogging J!D! She goes through ‘Start Me Up’ again and seems to really enjoy herself, flirting with the house band guitarists, and again, does a swan flop into the audience. Luckily, they opt to catch her again.

But tonight is all about elimination! It’s about who gets dumped! Who gets flushed! Who came in Number Two! I am five! But who will be let go? Back to more footage (padding) from the Rock Haüs. Mig couldn’t stop smiling, Deanna was upset by INXS’s comments (‘how comfortable is it to sing Power Rock?’) and thinks maybe she’s just not right for the band. Marty doesn’t want to turn it down, he wants to turn it up and thinks the kids (of which he is SO not one) want singers like himself. He should tell that to the veins that pop out of his face every time he does the screamy thing. Suzie notes that you can do your ‘thing’ very well but you have to be able to do INXS. Mig noticed Jordis being very quiet. She thought she sucked and threatens to jump off the roof into the pool. No. Stop. Don’t. J!D! thinks on the sunny side - she got to crash and burn in front of fifty million people! – and thinks she should suck it up. J!D! also has the inability to wear a hat straight on his head. A swelling problem, perhaps? Ty is very interested in who the bottom three are. Suzie thought she did well but may still be in the bottom three because she ‘rules’ the bottom three. Jordis predicts she ‘definitely’ will be in the bottom three.

Brooke wants more info. Why does Marty want to defy INXS’s advice to ‘turn it down’? Because he listens to INXS’s advice but now after three weeks of ‘sitting down songs’ he wants to meet the band halfway and wants to show off his showmanship. Doesn’t make any more sense to me. I must be missing something because Dave agrees with Marty. Then Tim Farriss says that this has actually been a test for Marty and he’s passed it; they’re happy to have him listen to them but then meet them halfway. How about Deanna, how’s she feeling? She feels that with coming up with an original song, arranging it, rehearsing it, (Ty is in the same shot) performing it, all adds up to a not-comfortable area. Dave agrees that you have to stay true to who you are because one of you is going to be INXS’s lead singer and the rest of you will be back to the drawing board (OK, he just thought that last part to himself). J!D! You have been on ‘a mission’ to front INXS, what do you think it’s going to take to become their new singer? Unhumble monkey boy says, like Marty, it’s about meeting them halfway. Some people are better at this, some people do better at other things. Also air is breathable and water is wet. Dave calls J!D! controversial (J!D! does the best wounded monkey face whenever anyone says anything against him) but thinks his voice is well suited to the INXS back catalogue. Mig appears unconcerned. J!D! kisses INXS’s ass and claims they are why he’s a singer/songwriter today.

Brooke calls Suzie ‘Queen of the Bottom Three.’ Suzie is so into being the ‘Queen of the Bottom Three’ that she has customized a hat saying just that for her to wear when her name does get called. Dave says that he can’t believe she’s ever been in the bottom three with her strong voice and says he will wear her hat if she gets called tonight. Andrew Farriss gives respect to all the contestants. Jordis, was this the time to take such a big risk (sucking)? She didn’t realize it was a risk until after rehearsal, but she went for it and probably would do it again. She also believes she deserves to be in the bottom three tonight. Dave says it was her worst performance ever but at least she showed she has guts. Jon Farriss says she just had a bad night and if she sings tonight he won’t be complaining.

Plaintive piano of disappointment starts playing. Last night’s bottom three at the end of the show were Deanna, Ty, and Jordis. But it changed over the night so now J!D!, Marty, and Mig have to stand as well. Note who is left seated – the Queen o’the Bottom 3. Suzie is feeling really good about this and so is Dave (he won’t have to wear the hat now). To the stage goes Ty (Dave doesn’t understand why and neither do INXS) and he has to do ‘What You Need.’ It’s a bouncy upbeat number. Sing Ty, sing. He also has mastered the stomp to-and-fro stage move, very impressive, Grasshopper. He does sound a little strained at some of the high notes. J!D! and Suzie seem to be the only contestants really enjoying him. Afterward, Ty says there’s something about INXS’s music that makes you want to dance and sing and that vibrates him and he can’t sit still and maybe next time more (stupid tone deaf) people will realize that he should be INXS’s new lead singer. Ty knows he’s supposed to be here so he doesn’t have to talk about it. After talking about it.

Two names left! Now Deanna has to take the stage. She gets to sing ‘Elegantly Wasted’. It is also upbeat, maybe a tinge funkier. She doesn’t sound very good in the beginning of the song or the middle either. So…much…cornbread! I’m swimming in it! Not a really great song to show off one’s voice to. I also must put a moratorium on the ladies grabbing at their special place whilst singing. Thanks! How does Deanna feel about doing INXS songs? She loves their songs because she loves to rock hard and dance. And by dance she means clutching at her cooter while bouncing up and down.

Who’s up last? After a fake out (J!D! is safe, Mig is safe), she calls up Marty. Jordis looks stunned. Dave says this is a crime. Jon asks him to sing ‘Don’t Change,’ a very up-tempo straightforward rock song. Consciously or not, he’s singing it with an accent like the dead-guy-we-do-not-name. Throughout the song he’s doing the Marty thing (not singing in tune) especially on the last chorus. He also opens his mouth so big it’s like another smaller version of his teeth is going to pop out and hiss at us ála ‘Alien’. Marty claims post performance that singing an INXS song made him feel very powerful (being part ‘Alien’ does too). He originally got their ‘Greatest Hits’ to learn how to write songs and learn and now he hopes to be around a lot longer. Dave says that watching him learn is ‘really teaching us. Rad!’

Cue piano! Time for elimination! Tim gets the chore this week and as usual, says how this is ‘really difficult.’ They have the best seven singers for their band and it’s not such a bad thing to be in the bottom three anymore because eventually they are going to want to hear them all sing INXS songs. So who’s it this week? Not Manic Marty, they were scared of his double-jaw ‘Alien’ thing. Ty or Deanna? Deanna, you’re just too female and full of cornbread to be in the band INXS. Dave says this is Black Wednesday from now on and she and her comfort zone are amazing. Anything to say to the band? She surprisingly admits she watches a lot of reality TV and always sees people getting kicked off and you don’t think about them. But now she realizes that they are real people and this is really hard and she wanted to be INXS’s new singer, but thanks them for the opportunity. She’s crying and so are Mig, Jordis, Ty, and Suzie.

What will happen next week? Who will get booted? How many more reasons do you need to hate J!D! Fortune!? Until then I’ll be teaching you all by learning. Rad!

You got to lose to know how to win

2005-09-05T14:21:00.000-07:00

Never mind the lateness, here’s the RockStar:INXS recap from the 23rd of August! (and before we start, the good news is that I have DiVoed the show on the 23rd and the 24th. The bad news is that the 1/2 hour show was not taped on Sunday. So I only have a very brief recap of what happened that night.)

So! Performance show time. Brooke Burke was taking a nap before the show because she comes onstage in her nightie. She also threw on some ginormous bracelets to distract us from realizing that she’s in her nightie. Say hi to INXS minus Garry Garry Beers (attending to a personal matter)! Hi to Dave ‘evil hearted you’ Navarro! Noisemaking ensues. Hi final seven! One of them will really become the lead singer of INXS, honest! So on the short show Dave showed up at the mansion (smoking a cig, naturally) and told them they all had to write their own songs. Some were uneasy (Jordis) and some were just fine (J!D!). Some needed other’s help (Suzie). Then on song day they were given five songs so that only two of them would actually get to sing their original compositions. They picked Deanna and Mig’s name out of a hat to do their own songs. Suzie then changes her mind and begs Mig and Deanna to give her the chance to do her own song. Mig felt uncertain, Ty helped Deanna and turned off the house band in doing so. The house band also didn’t think that Mig’s song was cohesive although it improved.

Back to the show. Dave asks Suzie about picking names out of a hat. She really wanted to do an original song for INXS but doesn’t get to this week. Thus the danger of pulling names out of a hat. What does Mig think? He kept his song because he wants to show he really wants to win this competition. But what about J!D!, doesn’t he want to show off his songwriting skillz? He says that when he saw the songs up there (groups like The Rolling Stones and Foreigner!) he wanted to impress the ‘rock’ crowd with a ‘rock’ song. Say Marty, you sure like those modern songs, eh? He says that INXS invented the ‘dance rock thing’ in the late Eighties and the sound is coming back around with bands like The Killers so he wanted to show he’s current. Good answer, Marty! Commercial time.

Suzie interviews that she’s sick of being in the bottom three and starts off the show with (duh) ‘Start Me Up’. She’s sporting a black military jacket, black high boots, pink pants, wide braided belt. She sounds good and growly singing (though I noticed they took out the ‘make a dead man come’ line out). She does the standard walk-stop-grind,-walk-stop stage moves including a long frontal grind on the guitar player (make sure he still has room to play, Suzie!). Then she’s into the audience and up in the peanut gallery singing with the other six contestants. Then she does a swan-fall into the audience, who thankfully catches her, flip her over and push her back up. Good stuff. Dave is really impressed and is shocked that she’s ever been in the bottom three. Jon Farriss thinks she was vocally exceptional tonight. Tim Farriss thought she looked and sounded like she meant business.

J!D! is up now. He thinks if INXS heard his original song, they would have thought it was one of the best things they had ever heard on the stage. But instead he’s doing Foreigner’s ‘Cold as Ice’ J!D! Fortune! style. By this I meant sped up and in a lower key. J!D! is closing his eyes singing but his face is twitching like he’s going to sneeze. The look for him tonight is cream leather jacket, grey shirt completely open, grey pants, much torso. The stage move is squat-threaten to pull the pants down with the thumb- shift back and forth. It’s interesting how when J!D! is performing they never show what the other contestants are doing reaction-wise. I’d like to think they are trying to stifle laughter. Now he’s doing a deep squat and threatening a girl in the audience with the pointed finger move. It comes off neither sexy nor cool, just obnoxious. Just J!D! Dave thinks he’s very good and confident but he feels some of the notes of the song were missing. J!D! claims it was just his interpretation of it and he was ‘just jamming out on that.’ Andrew Farriss thinks he did an excellent job, Tim Farriss thinks J!D! really understands more than anyone what he’s doing as an audition. Cut to Mig, Marty, and Ty looking unimpressed.

Give it up for the House Band! Deanna thinks she’s going to really kick ass this week with an original song called ‘My Truth’ which she co-wrote with Ty. The look tonight is a floor length open sweater, (that she has to hold closed) miniskirt, fake dreadlocks, and boots. Yikes, she should really think twice about doing the squat thing. The song is a stompy rock thing with Nirvana-y chords about self-esteem. You know the drill. The other contestants are rocking out, especially Ty. Dave thought her vocals were spot on, Jon thought the song was cool although in her safety zone. Tim unfortunately wants to know the story behind the song. It’s about singing, and a cheating boyfriend, and her hoping her singing would make him love her. She then thanks him for being an asshole so she could write that song. Oh, snap!

Ty is up next. He wants to impress INXS this week with the song he co-wrote with Deanna and also with his rendition of “Proud Mary” ala Ike and Tina Turner (two other unsuccessful black people in rock). The style tonight is denim jacket (all open) no shirt, jeans, and necklaces. Deanna, Jordis, and Suzie are doing the Ikettes part and Suzie doesn’t bother to suppress an eye-roll as they are introduced. They start it off nice and easy. I’m assuming it’s going to get nice and rough soon. Oh here we go. So it’s a good Ty performance, very high energy. The girls sound good doing their ‘rolling’s. One of the Farriss brothers is playing air drums during the performance. Dave thought Ty was (apologizing in advance) ‘Ty-riffic.’ Oh, it burns, it burns, oww…Jon thought Ty put on quite a show. Kirk thinks Ty was very busy this week and is surprised that he didn’t get Kirk to play piano and J!D! and Marty to carry his bags. Ty Jesus-Christ-Poses and is off.

It’s time for Mig and his song called ‘Do or Die’ and it’s about his experiences in the house (meaning the Rock Star Mansion, not jail). He sings a line about ‘my reality’ and the house band guitarist raises an eyebrow. Hee! Mig admits the band was not impressed at first and he knows that he has to write something to go along side The Rolling Stones and Aerosmith. On to the performance. In an unfortunate clothes choice, Mig sports an all-black ensemble but the crotch of his pants feature a black and white striped part, which just looks like he split his pants. The song has lines rhyming ‘dramatic’ and ‘tragic’ and talks about escaping ‘this asylum.’ The other contestants seem to enjoy his Creed-lite rock musings. Dave thought he sounded good and was glad Mig didn’t make him cry again because that would have made him rethink things about his personal life. Ohh-kay. Tim thought that his song was not real INXS but he liked and respected it. Kirk asks if he worked on it with anyone and Mig says he worked on it by himself (no mention of the house band).

This week Marty is going back to his rock roots and is doing ‘I Alone’ by Live. It’s a very 1993 song, faux grunge, quiet verses and a shouty chorus. Marty is wearing a high collared black jacket, grey and black vertically striped pants and (EEK!) bare feet with black nail polish. Also very 1993. Despite his Rick Springfield incognito looks even I must admit that he has very pretty blue eyes. He’s intelligible during the verses and sounds very strained on the shouty chorus. I don’t know why he keeps picking the shouty songs, he’s really not a shouty guy, and it doesn’t suit him. Regardless he sings on. The Farrisses whisper during his singing. At the end of one chorus Marty does a double knee drop and sings the next lyrics in this position, sounding very out of tune. Afterwards, Dave notes that Marty is not always in tune, which is fine (strange thing in a singing competition) and thinks Marty should go put his feet up. Jon thought there needed to be less screaming and more singing. Tim snarks that Manic Marty is back. Kirk thought he was good but is trying to work out how it relates to INXS.

This really cracks me up. On Channel Four they have a storm-watch system called Doppler 4000. Now Channel Two has one called Doppler 2 Million. Out-dopple that, suckas!

It’s up to Jordis to close out the show with Aerosmith’s ‘Dream On.’ Unfortunately, she can’t hit one super-high note on the chorus but says she’ll make a split second decision on what to do while she’s performing. She’s sporting a newsboy cap, black top, black jacket and bell-bottomed blue jeans. For a change, Jordis sounds shaky and unsure as she sings the first lines. The chorus is a slight improvement. INXS look concerned. She continues and when she gets to the really high part (I’d love to know technically what those notes are), she screeches ‘Dream on! Dream on! AAAIIIIEEEEEEE!’ Even Dave Navarro makes a face at that. She half-assedly finishes sitting on the stage. It’s never a good thing on the show when Dave first of all has to make note of how good the house band sounded. He then says you need a spectacular vocal to make that work and she wasn’t up to it. Tim says he really wanted to like her but couldn’t. Jordis says she was definitely over thinking the song. Tim replies that it’s good to know even someone like her can mess up. Dave asks why she just didn’t change the end of the song. She says that it would have been easy to do vocal gymnastics instead of the note but she felt like going for it. Fair enough, but still not easy to listen to.

Time for you to vote! But who’s in the bottom three for now? Why Deanna, Ty, and Jordis! Will it stay the same or change? You’ll have to wait for the next recap! Get out there and dopple like your life depended on it!

I just want a lover like any other, what do I get?

2005-09-05T12:00:00.001-07:00

OK, it’s official; I am taking myself out of the dating ads for now. I’ve dated two guys in the past month that I met through a dating web site and they both turned out to be losers. I approached both first, so I don’t know if this is some screwy Rules-type proof that I should just sit back and wait to be approached. Though I was just looking around the dating site today and I got a message from another member. It was pretty obvious that he hadn’t read my profile because I am eleven years older than his cutoff age, two inches over his cutoff height, he’s in Iraq right now (I want to date people within only five miles of where I live) and he said I was ‘gorgoues’. And that’s not so bad, considering what else is out there. I saw another profile of someone just looking for ‘play’ and he said something about wanting to see ‘your cute but’ in his bed. Yeah. One ‘t’. Call me a snob, but I swear I will never let someone see anything of mine that they can’t spell correctly. In my ad I tried to spell correctly and honest about my height, weight, age and the fact that I’m going to lose my leg soon. That last fact alone is usually enough to scare many a boy away, so I always kind of wonder about the ones that answer back really fast. In fact, after the first guy I went out with I had to change my profile because he thought I was ‘kidding’ about losing my leg.

The first guy I dated I'll call 'John'. He showed up late (up to 45 minutes!) on all three dates we went on. He was also pathologically shy, to the point that I had to ask all the questions and answer more than a few of them myself. And I’m sure I didn’t help things by drinking too much on one date only to come home and throw up all over the floor. And no, he did not hold back my hair. Finally I realized that this was not going to work but before I could call him, he sent me an email. Among other things he said that he had neither the ‘force’ nor the ‘capacity’ to be in a relationship with anyone right now. Then he said although he found me physically attractive, the only way he could sleep with me (or anyone) right now was if he got completely blind drunk. Ah. Good to know.

The second guy Peter seemed much better. He was friendly and flirty in emails we sent to and fro and was a photographer to boot. We also had a really nice long phone call, and I’m not much of a phone person. I was really looking forward to meeting him. So when he shows up (Late! Am I the last prompt person on the planet??) he apologizes for being late, admitting he was out in Brooklyn helping a friend move. Pause…‘actually I was helping my wife move’. Turns out he’s not technically single, only just now separated from his wife of twenty (he’s 40) years. Fine. So we have drinks and talk and get along really well. Then he leans over, holds my hand and kisses me on the mouth. Cute. Soon he has to go home (an early photo call the next day) so he walks me back to my house and gives me another kiss. Sweet. The next day, right after I learn that my friend Rick had died (and that I was one of the last two people to see him alive), he gives me a call. Turns out he thinks things have 'gone too far' between us and after a lot of thought, he realizes he’s not ready to date yet. Timing is indeed everything and much sobbing followed.

So enough of all that. For now on, my cute 'but' will be staying home.

Stay tuned...

2005-09-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

We will soon have at least two new RockStar:INXS recaps, I promise. Really. I have tomorrow off, after all. Happy Labor Day, y'all.

Anyone who had a heart

2005-08-31T11:37:00.001-07:00

Managed to make it through Monday. In the morning I had an appointment with Dr. Dempsey (I so want to say Dusty) Springfield up at Mt. Sinai. He seemed like a very nice proper Southern gentleman with his hand-tied bow tie. Unfortunately, I didn't have with me the one piece of information that would have helped him diagnose whether I have a fibrosarcoma or a fibromitosis: my latest biopsy slides. And this was the whole reason I was there to see him. I did have my most recent MRI and CT scan but those weren't much help. His assistant called Dr. Kenan's office and had them fax over the written results and found out that with the last biopsy, the pathologist wouldn't call it a sarcoma or mitosis, which is why Dr. Kenan was having me get a second opinion. Why I was finding this out NOW since I had the biopsy in APRIL is a mystery to me. So the whole appointment was me describing my long, stupid leg journey and him looking at me with disbelief before telling me that if I have a sarcoma in my leg, I'm living with a time bomb and should have my leg amputated yesterday. They honestly could not understand what I was doing there without my pathology slides and I left feeling like I had wasted my time and his. Nice guy, though.

Then when I got back I had to change quick and head over to Rick's memorial service. Unfortunately, I got there about halfway in (I was late due to crying and nerves) and missed the music they were playing, which was mostly The Buzzcocks, which is not exactly standard memorial service music but was one of his favorite bands. I came in at the middle of Bruce's tribute to him (probably his closest friend) and couldn't hear it because it was so crowded I had to wedge myself between a fat man and the air conditioning unit. I did hear other people's rememberances and stories and honestly, I don't know when he had time to sleep. There were all sorts of stories of him calling people at 4am just to chat and tales of him spending days and weeks with people having fun and introducing them to new experiences and always knowing where to find great food. Here's a great Rick story: this guy Howard had a lot of health problems and had to go into the hospital. While he was hooked up to an IV, he started to get funky smelling because he couldn't change his shirt. Rick went to Howard's apartment and took two of his shirts to a tailor and had them open the seams along the arms and put velcro in so he'd be able to get a new shirt on while still attached to the IV unit. That's the kind of friend Rick was. I was crying throughout the service and afterwards I really started to lose it because there was a big board of photos of Rick in the main room. Childhood photos, pics of his parents, headshots of when he was trying to be an actor. I really started to lose it so I went to the Great Jones for the after service drinking. I was like a cartoon of the mourning friend, sobbing into my beer. Of course, some git had to make it worse by first saying, 'you're too pretty to be crying.' and then, 'Rick wouldn't want you to be sad'. I left there soon afterward. One nice thing though, I did find another picture I managed to sneak of Rick in San Francisco. I'm carrying a copy of it in my Filofax now so I can always remember how special he was.

Rick

2005-08-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

I just heard (through email yet) that my friend Rick is dead. I feel sick. My face feels numb. I’m so fucking sad, I have so many regrets where he is concerned. For example, I never got a chance to know him better than I did. I had a party last Saturday and surprisingly, Rick came. I never expected him to show up. He’s one of the most reclusive people I know, not a person who invites you to hang out with him at his house (I’ve known him since 1994 and have never seen his apartment). I was so happy to see Rick; I spent most of the evening talking to him, from around 10 to five-thirty am. We talked about our similar taste in watches, past indiscretions, past misunderstandings. It was probably the deepest conversation I’ve ever had with him. I even admitted that I wrote a blog, but neglected to give him the address because I was afraid of him just seeing me as a dilettante (he wrote for an electronics magazine and was one of the smartest people I knew). I was never sure of where I’d see him next. Sometimes it was at a show, sometimes I would quickly see him riding his bike on the street, or would run into him at the movies, spotting his baseball cap in the fourth row. He was in great shape, he wasn’t sick, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t do drugs. I don’t know what happened to him and neither did the people who did the autopsy. And I was one of the last people to see him alive, apparently. He said goodnight to me at 5:30 on Sunday morning and passed on sometime between then and Tuesday. The next to last time I saw him we drank and drank at the Lakeside, then got hungry. So we went to a Japanese restaurant at 4am and he literally begged on his knees for the manager to let us get some food. He ordered everything for us and it was all delicious, especially the clams steamed in sake. One of my other biggest regrets, I never took a decent picture of him. I only have this picture of his back in San Francisco before he took off his motorcycle helmet. Before then he would cover his face or turn away whenever I tried to take his picture. This was the closest I got. I’m so sorry I never got any closer. Godspeed, Rick. I miss you already.

I need perfection, some twisted selection

2005-08-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

G’evening, roos. It’s RockStar:INXS, the elimination episode from last week. Somehow I managed to erase the performance episode from last week, so I have no idea what happened. I’m assuming everyone did the singing thing, Dave N. made creepy comments about the female contestants’ appearances, and INXS were frustratingly polite. Oh yeah, and J!D! Fortune! was a tool.

So it’s elimination time! New sensation, blah blah. Only eight contestants left! Does that mean we have to suffer, er, enjoy two more months of this show? Just curious…Brooke Burke is wearing brown pants and a tube top with four feet of tinsel around her neck. Give ‘it’ up for INXS! The same for Dave ‘black is the new black’ Navarro. Apparently, last night was an all-acoustic night with the contestants performing songs that INXS had picked out for them. The worldwide response was ‘huge’. The voting has doubled over the past two weeks. There’s silence then people start applauding, like they don’t know how to feel about that. Now we get to find out who the top three were – Jordis, Marty, and Mig. Mig gets an extra ‘EEEE’ reaction from the audience. Dave N. says they were all good but one song saved him a fortune in couples’s therapy – Mig gets the encore performance. Judging by his reaction, he’s either really surprised or a fabulous actor. I’m going with the latter, because he asks Jordis and Marty to come sing with him on stage, and in the world of Mark Burnett there’s no such thing as a surprise moment.

Mig takes to the piano (played very nicely) and, well, comes alive. Marty and Jordis chime in with harmonies on the chorus. I’m having an big ol’ ‘70’s flashback to when I was at gymnastics camp, when some girl came rushing into the dorm holding the Frampton album squealing, ‘I’ve got it!’ No stereo to be had, though. Back to the show, they singsingsing and Mig does a lot of high-end runs with the chorus, but he manages to pull it off, because he’s Mig. The three of them finish, are safe, and get to go back to the peanut gallery.

The plaintive piano of elimination starts playing and Brooke reads the name of the three lowest vote getters. They are Jessica, Deanna, and Ty. Jessica and Deanna are more or less resigned to be in the bottom three. Not Ty. He was quite happy with his performance, but he ‘can’t wait’ to get to perform an INXS song for the band. But the voting changed over the evening and Ty is actually safe. The other lowest vote getter was Suzie. How does she feel? After a long pause she blurts out, ‘bad!’

Back from ads, Brooke notes that the bottom three is all women. Also, tonight’s show was written by No-Duh McObvious. Dave is bummed to see one of these really similar women going home. And by really similar I actually mean ‘gorgeous’. Sax player Kirk jumps in and assures us that they are completely open to the idea of either a woman or a man as INXS’s new lead singer. Audience? ‘EEE!’ Hermaphrodites? Are out of luck.

Suzie gets to sing ‘By My Side’. It’s a slow, swingy song with soft verses and a loud high chorus. She’s wearing a jacket, black T, olive shorts, and high heels. She sings well and sings the last verse/chorus on her knees at the edge of the stage. Good performance.

Jessica is up on the block next. She is asked to ‘do her best’ with ‘Mystify’, an upbeat swingy rock song. She has on a green cut-off jacket, ripped cut-off t, and low slung jeans. All the better to midriff around the stage. She’s off on the low notes and is trying to be throaty on the rest of the song but it comes off as stagy. Garry ‘Garry’ seems to be enjoying her though. Strictly meh.

Deanna’s up now. She is asked to sing ‘Never Tear Us Apart’. ‘Gladly’, she says. The outfit is a black leather corset thing and a three-tiered blue hippie skirt, and while she’s singing at one point, she grabs the skirt right at her crotch level and bounces up and down, so it looks like she forgot to go potty before she hit the stage. As for the singing, it’s a big slow ballad and she kind of wobbly with the beginning, which is pretty soft and low-key. You can tell she’s dying to start ‘cornbread’ing it up and belting it out. She gets her wish soon enough and belts out the rest of the song, adding extra runs with her voice during the guitar solo. It’s different for her and not exactly what I’d call good, but whatever.

Deliberations! Plaintive piano starts playing again and Tim Farriss gets to drop the axe this week. He calls tonight’s elimination ‘the hardest yet’. It’s getting really tough because they were all good last night and were all ‘great tonight’. But to cut to the point, it’s now about who isn’t right for the band and Jessica. Is. Not right for the band INXS. There is much wooing from the audience and the peanut gallery stands up and claps for her. Strangely, Ty doesn’t clap but rubs his hands together, like Mr. Burns going ‘excellent’. Jessica says she had an excellent time, and she has lots of new friends. Now go say goodbye to INXS.

The other end of the telescope

2005-08-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

Hi kids. Sorry for the hiatus, things have been crazy. First, I erased last week's performance episode of RockStar:INXS so here's the recap - the contestants sang good, some sang bad. More importantly, I met with Dr. Kenan on Friday. I was fully expecting one of two things – either a fight or an appointment for the amputation. Instead I got door number three, which was him convincing me to see two more doctors for yet another couple of second opinions. One is a sarcoma specialist/surgeon at Mt. Sinai, one is the head of Radiology at Beth Israel. So both of them will get to look at my most recent MRIs and tell me if they think I have a fibrosarcoma or a fibromitosis. That’s all guessing, mind you. Oh yeah, and my biopsy slides are being sent to some big deal Pathologist in Boston, so he can guess whether or not I have a fibrosarcoma or a fibromitosis. Gah. On one hand, I’m so sick of having cancer. On the other I’m in no rush to have my leg chopped off. So it’s more doctors, tests, and waiting for now.

When I'm not with you I lose my mind

2005-08-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

Monday night! RockStar:INXS! Are you ready for a new sensation?? Or are you ready to watch a bunch of never-will-bes demean themselves for a part-time gig that will be soon forgotten? I thought so! Tonight also means black is white, up is down and right is wrong. All because in tonight’s ‘action’ packed episode, I find myself… agreeing with Dave ‘Rico Suave’ Navarro. Yeah, I know, who would have thought? Now I have this sudden urge to overgroom myself…

Afternoon? Morning? At the Rock Haüs. No crying. I guess Brandon wasn’t worth wasting good booze and vegetables over. But yon! ‘Tis Dave Navarro putting in a personal appearance. Marty notes that something must be up because Dave’s at the mansion. Actually he was just in the neighborhood, his boas are being refeathered right down the street. This week’s rock clinic is all about songwriting and INXS will test the contestants’ ability to collaborate on a song. Tomorrow they will be presenting their songs to Andrew “the Quiet One” Farriss and Dave N. J!D! Fortune! is really! really! excited! Singing in front of Dave and Andrew Farriss is a dream come true. But doesn’t he get to do that every week? Dave has the brand-new unreleased INXS track and is splitting the eight into two groups of four. Because he won the encore, Ty gets to choose someone first. He picks Marty. But guess what? Instead of being on Ty’s team, Marty is the opposite team’s leader! Psych, Ty! Ty chooses Suzie, Deanna and Mig (my spell-check will not accept the word Mig). Marty picks Jordis, J!D! and Jessica. But what will the winning group receive? Some fancy-schmancy sound system designed by Quincy Jones (J!D! says ‘oh, nice!’) and a night out on the town with INXS. Woo! So get to work, kids.

Ty’s team encamps in one room and listens to the track. To my ears, it sounds a lot like a Rolling Stones song, ‘Mixed Emotions’, all rhythm guitar-y. Suzie is a big fan of collaberation so she was ‘certain’ they could come up with a good song. Ty, perhaps feeling not like the center of attention, starts free-associating to the playback. He’s not using real words though, so the first line is ‘do can dee wha can dee, a wha day moh an moh, I can zee wha jor vel down on lay ja ba.’ Ty interviews that if anyone had an idea for a verse, they put it down on track one and he put his verse down on track two. It was extremely ‘diplomatic’, which is about as rock and roll as sobriety and vegetables.

In room two, J!D! immediately wants to know if Marty is the musical director. Marty says he would like to be musical director. J!D! continues,’ and he has veto power. However. If the song ends up sucking, it’s his fault.’ The others laugh nervously. Good thing they got assigning the blame out of the way. That’s a lot more like a real rock band. The track is listened to. More importantly, candles are lit. Jessica thinks this experience is the biggest learning experience of all the clinics so far. She admits she’s only written six songs in her life. Marty, taking a great role as leader, meekly asks what is the best way to work on this song. Jordis says, ‘um, I don’t really know.’

Back to room one! Mig is making up words now and he and Ty agree there should be a ‘stop, something’ in the song. Now the words have become, ‘juh cuh say whatchu want, ju can say whatcha knee, stop get what you wanted!’ There is happiness! Hand slapping! Peace signs! Laughter! Back to room two. J!D! sings, ‘some way you’ll find there’s duh duh duhhh.’ Jordis says she likes what he’s doing but it worries her that it’s a very obvious melody. J!D! says, ‘yeah it’s just the first thing out’. Room one! Ty and Jessica are singing together, ‘don’t duh!’ and there is more dancing. There’s the holding-hands-as-a-charge-electrocutes-them-all dance. There’s the I’m-pulling-the-camel toe-out-of-my-crotch dance. Ty says they were acting like little kids for like the first time since they’d been there. Not playing up for the cameras at ALL. Nope. Ty says to the group ‘stop go. Like the person is giving, like sometime it’s stop, sometime it’s go.’ Mig looks uncertain but gives ‘stop go’ the old college try. Then they all harmonize ‘stop go’ … and finale! Jazz hands, everybody!

Meanwhile, back in room two, Jordis has written down, ‘Someone once told me I could never have enough of what I asked of in this day in the life of…what I could never have I want how bad do you want it back’ and sings it to the playback. Unsurprisingly, J!D! is upset that he is not the center of attention and notes that Marty and Jordis had become a unit during the last week and that made him feel ‘not ganged up on but I felt like I was getting the short end of the stick.’ J!D! tries running his ideas past Jordis. ‘Here’s the premise. Metaphors.’ He sings ‘falling asleep at the wheel again baby. We’re drifting over the line. My hands are tied and I’m losing grip baby. We’re stopping here for the night.’ Jordis looks impressed but says that she liked his lines, but she likes the vagueness of not having a storyline. She admits she likes the way J!D! writes but that the lyrics were very obvious. Guess who takes it the wrong way?

Back inside and Marty thinks it works best if they all work on the song but then add the ‘genius lyrics’ later. J!D! snots, ‘thanks, man’ and goes outside along with his writing materials (cigarettes and mug o’ frosty beer) to finish his own lyrics. He says this made him feel happy and accepted. But while he’s outside, Jordis tells Marty she likes what J!D! is doing but she prefers what they did before better. She says time is running out and they needed to focus on an idea instead of going back and forth. Back inside now and J!D! sings over Marty’s magnetic shoulder, ‘thumbing your way to Vegas daddy, dreaming of the other side. Save your tears and laughter baby it doesn’t matter what you find. It ain’t pretty!’ ‘That’s the first verse, man,’ J!D! says. Marty says that Jordis liked the direction of her verse better. J!D! is hurt and thinks that his lines were stronger than being vague. Marty says ‘as musical director’ he wants to hear Jordis’s previous lyrics, reminding J!D! who’s running the show,. J!D! looks unhappy. Marty says, ‘so that’s the direction we’re going to move in, now at least we have the flow going,’ J!D! denied!

The Gallant Group! Ty enthuses that ‘Stop Go’ is such a great (his own) idea, it’s like ‘Kick’. Mig thinks the song really kicks ass. Suzie agrees. Ty notes that they all have really good social skills. Why do I think that’s going to become important later? Ty thinks if they don’t win, it’s because the other group has written ‘Yesterday’ or ‘Let It Be.’ Deanna wonders aloud how they are doing in the other room. ‘Same’ say Ty and Mig. But! We cut to Marty telling J!D! that he’s ‘slightly hard-headed on what you want’. Marty adds that J!D! was the one who made Marty musical director but he’s not willing to give him that power now and that ‘I love the way you write. I just don’t like the way you co-write.’ Snap! J!D! asks if he’s been difficult to work with? Huh, huh, has he? Someone’s taking this a biiiiit personally. Welcome to how the music world works, J!D! Does he really think that if he wins and becomes INXS’s lead singer he’s going to have as much say as the Farriss brothers? Think again, Human Being. Anyway they get on with the writing thing with Jordis singing her lyrics, ‘stop fast in the name of the right song, what are we talking about, I’m done move on I can thank you for that.’ Jessica says she loves it. J!D! interviews that he doesn’t think Jordis’s lyrics are all that. He says he doesn’t have to ‘be right’ he just wants to be associated with something with ‘quality’.

Say what’s that smell? Could it be a passive-aggressive temper tantrum? J!D! snits that he isn’t moved by what they’re doing now, he doesn’t need a new stereo (so much for ‘oh, nice’), he doesn’t need to go out on the town. He just wants to attach his name to something that’s cool, so he’s going to bow out of the group. He doesn’t find their song interesting, he wouldn’t go out of his way to listen to that, he thinks it’s very safe and (snaps fingers twice). ‘There’s nothing being said there.’ Marty, sounding like he’s holding back either anger or tears, says that trying to get this song done has been very difficult. J!D! snots back, ‘well you know what, I’d rather write a song about something a little more inspiring than being in this (fucking) house and writing a song.’ Marty believes what he wrote was the beginning of an INXS song. Jordis says she’s just trying to get something done. J!D! wants to know why they should bother writing this. Jordis replies, ‘because they gave us a project’. J!D! continues to argue and wants to only do things his way. Jordis tells him ‘dude, that’s not being in a band.’ J!D! corrects her, ‘we’re competing to be in a band.’

It’s really a damn shame that no one will stand up to J!D! and stop playing right into his passive-aggressive pout-fest. If he tried this shit with a real band, he’d have at the least a big argument in his hands, if not a cymbal to the back of the head. I think he has a bad case of what Robert Plant calls “LSD” – lead singer disease. I’m the center of the universe and if you won’t play my way, I’m taking my ball and going home. Which J!D! does, storming out of the room, beer mug in hand. How sad am I that we’re only ten minutes into this damn show?

We’re back after some ads. Night? Very early morning? and Dave N. and Andrew Farriss are in the hiz-ouse. Dave asks how it went and Ty’s team all thumbs-up. Dave tells Ty’s team to go first. Ty says the name of the song is ‘Stop Go.’ Here we go, kind of Mad Libs Rock Lyrics. The two girls harmonize on one verse. Dave interviews that Ty’s team’s song was’…interesting.’ Note the pause. He also felt that it had a little ‘Electric Company’ feel about it. There. I agree with the hairless grease weasel. J!D! looks mighty amused and notes you can’t approach INXS like it’s band camp or your parents you’re writing for. Yet… it was an assignment. From INXS, yes, but still it was freakin’ homework. The Gallant Team harmonizes to an end on ‘GO!’. Andrew Farriss diplomatically says ‘Stop Go’ was not what he was expecting musically from them. He compliments them on the harmony parts and adds that he can tell that they all enjoy working together. Dave adds quickly, ‘…and that’s what they’re looking for, so nice job.’ Up now is Team Goofus. Playback and Jordis goes into her diary writing from before about ‘not having enough’. Strangely enough, they deliver the song sitting cross-legged on the floor. Dave N. notices J!D! is not participating. Jordis sings something about going ‘full speed ahead down a one-way road,’ which sort of sounds more like J!D!’s idea, so not sure what percentage of the song was actually J!D! After the song ends, Dave asks J!D! why he’s being so quiet. J!D! admits that he wasn’t feeling their song and they weren’t feeling his so he went off alone. Andrew Farriss unfortunately encourages this by telling J!D! that to independently feel the passion to do his own thing is great. However, since he was expected to work together he should have tried to embrace the group thing. Dave jumps in and says they’re not there to say which song is better, but to see how they work together, and because of J!D! Team Goofus loses by default. The two sweetest words in the English language! De fault! De fault!

BUT! Dave’s (bi)curious and he wants to hear J!D! ‘s song, as does Andrew. He half-heartedly asks his ‘team’ if they don’t mind. No one answers. Playback. He goes into his lyrics about ‘falling asleep at the wheel’ and ‘it ain’t pretty’. Dave amusedly admits to us that J!D! wrote the better song. Marty notes that J!D!’s move was ‘psychotically clever’ to move away from the group and do something completely self-focused. Oddly, J!D! sings the whole song from on his knees with everyone else completely away from him. Dave tells J!D! nice job but notes to us while he has the makings of a great lead singer, he doesn’t have what it takes to be a great member of a band. But now it’s time for Ty, Mig, Suzie and Deanna to go out with INXS.

Mig has a nice embroidered green shirt! Ty spikes up his hair again (feeling that confidence again)! They’re out of the house and into the Suburban! In the middle of the day??? Some ‘night’ out on the town. Most real rock stars wouldn’t even be awake by now. Jon Farriss toasts them with champagne and notes the four that are absent. In contrast, J!D! moans at the sight of PB and J … again. ‘And it’s crunchy too, that sucks.’ In the restaurant everyone has a nice looking meal. Mig asks Garry about his billing as Garry ‘Garry’ Beers. An unfunny anecdote follows. Mig marvels about how INXS are totally like real people. Ty brings up his damn song again which leads to an impromptu version in the restaurant of ‘Stop Go.’ INXS look mildly embarrassed.

After selling stuff, we’re back at Rock Haüs. Passing out songs time! But this time is different. Instead of all being up on the board at once, red envelopes are pinned up on the board with their names on them. INXS? Dave N? Mark Burnett? have pre-chosen what songs they are going to do this week! Instead of reading their own envelopes, they pass them out have someone else read what song they have to sing this week. First up is Deanna. She pulls up ‘Baby I Love Your Way.’ Frampton! Comes! Alive! in the form of Mig this week. Mig looks like he just swallowed his gum. He also has a note from INXS telling him he’s explored his talent and range the least and to go with the song’s beautiful melody. Mig opens an envelope containing Sam Cooke’s ‘Bring It On Home To Me.’ It’s for Suzie. Her reaction? ‘I don’t know that song.’ Whoops. J!D! opens his envelope and claims it’s ‘Hit Me Baby, One More Time.’ No one believes him. He takes it out and proves he’s not kidding. It’s for Marty, who howls and drops to his knees as the others laugh. The INXS note says they gave him a not-so-serious, not-so-simple song for a change. Cut to Marty trying it out alone with the acoustic guitar. Not so good. He walks into rehearsal with the least amount of confidence he’s had yet. Aaaand scene! It’s over!

What’s up Tuesday? Only the ‘most emotional RockStar:INXS’ episode yet! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to readjust my leather pants and go have my entire being waxed. Megan out!

Hopping mad

2005-08-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

Yeah, bad one-legged pun. Kindly get in line and bite me.

I was first diagnosed with this sarcoma all the way back in February 2004. The very first surgeon I saw said that most of the leg has to come off and that I had about two weeks to make up my mind about it. At the time he terrified me and I couldn't say no fast enough. Now I'm beginning to appreciate his bluntness and efficiency.

Last fall, I was given the name of Dr. Kenan as the person who would be doing the actual operation. Since that initial meeting with Dr. K, I've been MRI'd at least twice, CAT scanned & PET scanned (leg and lungs), angiogrammed, and re-biopsied. The most recent biopsy results were sent to some super-special tumor board because he thought that mayyyyybe my tumor is a fibromitosis instead of a fibrosarcoma. What's the difference? One is locally aggressive (firbosarcoma) the other is... locally agressive, only less cancer-y (fibromitosis). Here's the kicker - the treatment is EXACTLY THE SAME. AMPU-FUCKING-TATION. Just if it's a fibromitosis, you can wait, oh, a few more months to a few more years. Maybe. Because sarcomas are REALLY rare and NO ONE seems to have a good idea of how they behave in the long run. All I know is from what I read on the Sarcoma Alliance Bulletin Board, they can go seemingly dormant only to pop up later (months, years) in the lungs, liver, brain. By that time, amputation is too late and you just end up dying of cancer.

SO. Now Dr. K, after going over my 'options' for treatment (amputation, mutilation and ruination of my leg, leg shortened and on backwards) over and over again, says that he 'strongly recommends' I send my most recent biopsy results to some extra-special pathologist in Boston. Which I will have to pay for ($300). And will take at least two weeks to get a result, maybe longer. And when it comes down to it, he will come to the very same conclusions that all the other doctors who have studied my case have come to, whether it's a fibromitosis or a fibrosarcoma. That I might have some time before my leg is amputated. Weeks, months, years? Who knows? And hopefully it won't grow or metastasize. HOPEFULLY. I am SICK and TIRED of living with cancer. I hate living with this time bomb in my leg. I have no good will or hope left about this. I just want it OUT (by which I mean my leg GONE). But when I call up respectfully declining his recommendation, his secretary makes me make yet another appointment with him for this Friday. So he wants to fight me about this!? I'll give him a fucking fight.

This reminds me of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, where Daffy is tricked into insisting that Elmer Fudd shoot him now instead of waiting until they get home.

"SHOOT ME NOW! SHOOT ME NOW!!"

She's hooked on the silver screen

2005-08-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

Last week, I was a doing a lot of cinema-watching. Partial thanks go to El Brucé since he got me into a couple of free press screenings for two very good samurai movies. Tuesday morning's movie was 'Kill!'. It's based on the same book that 'Sanjuro' came from so it's Tatsuya Nakadai as a free-lance ex-samurai with a three-days growth, slacking his way from town to town. It's fast and funny and looks ridiculously great in inky black and white. It even features a scene out of 'Monty Python' with Nakadai pounding two shells together to fake the sound of hoofbeats. Worked for me. It's at the Film Forum in a couple of weeks, go see it.

Wednesday's movie was 'Samurai Rebellion'. It was also good but a different experience. It was very capital-S serious and mighty slow, but it was a good B/W print and it starred Toshiro Mifune, Mr. Intensity. It's also at Film Forum soon, go see it if you like samurai, Mifune, B/W, and blood-splattered rice screens.

On Friday I went to see 'Grizzly Man', the latest film by Werner Herzog. Awesome movie. It's about ex-surfer dude Timothy Treadwell who thought he had a special connection with Alaskan grizzly bears and lived among them for thirteen summers, until his luck ran out. It may seem like an obvioius point, but stay away from the cute, furry, huge, smelly bears. Just leave them alone unless you want to end up ripped apart and your remains filling four garbage bags. Nature may seem beautiful and peaceful but as Herzog says, it only reminds him of 'chaos...and murder'.

And a couple of weeks ago, I saw 'Last Days', Gus Van Sant's depiction of a Kurt-esque Cobain-ish rock star. Three things: it looked great, sounded great. Yes, there is the guy-on-guy sex scene (it is a Van Sant film, after all). Since it's a 'fictionalized' account of 'Kurt's' last days alive, it's a shame they didn't have him binging on a drug that makes you interesting and talkative.

Say I'm crying, I'm looking at what's on T.V.

2005-08-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

Wednesday! Elimination night! Time for one of the pretenders to the throne to go home. INXS is in the house, Dave ‘back in black’ Navarro is also in the house! Last night BBurke gave some early voting results. The bottom three at that time were Deanna, Brandon, and Jessica. Brooke asks them to stand. But wait! It wouldn’t be a Mark Burnett show without a switcheroo. She says as the voting window moved across America and went to Hawaii, Australia and Asia the results changed. Now two other people join the bottom three. They are Suzie and J!D! The crowd groans! Out of disappointment? Pleasure? We’ll soon see.

But more importantly, what is Dave Navarro thinking? He is actually very surprised to see Suzie standing there. He thought her arrangement was great, her style was greatly improved and her vocals ‘were impeccable’. But ultimately it’s the fans that voted who buy the tickets and CDs. Right Tim from INXS? ‘Yes Dave.’ He tells the five to sit down and wants to see an encore performance by Marty or Ty. He liked Marty’s acoustic risk; he thought Ty redeemed himself from the previous week. Ultimately Ty wins out and does an encore of ‘No Woman No Cry’. He gets a big cheer from the crowd and a standing O from INXS and Dave. Enough of the good, on to the bad and the ugly.

Brooke swears this is hard to do, this elimination thing. Ahem. She makes Deanna, Brandon, Jessica, Suzie, and J!D! stand up again. J!D!? Deanna? You are both safe and can sit down. Man, I never thought I’d appreciate the subtlety of Ryan Seacrest, but here we are. The remaining three slog through the crowd to the stage. Brandon is wearing a big. White. Belt. And black pants and a shirt, but especially a big. White. Belt. Once he gets to the stage he does the arms up/WHOO thing like he’s won. Jess has on an undershirt, skirt belt, and jeans, Suzie has on grey pants and a brown shirt with a peek-a-boob hole in it. Jess looks resigned, Suzie looks sad, Brandon looks like he wants another line of the good stuff.

After a plug for a cell phone, Brooke asks us to give it up for Garry and Jon, who will be playing with the bottom three again tonight. Crowd shot of women giving it up. I wonder what the male/female ratio in this audience is? 10/90 by the looks of things. I think the men duck when the camera comes around. Jessica is up first, she’s going to sing ‘Disappear’. It’s an upbeat rock number and not too challenging vocally so she does a fine job with it. She stomps back and forth and jumps along on the chorus, making quick work of it. Andrew from INXS says hi to Brandon and tells him to perform “Don’t Lose Your Head’. It’s an upbeat soul-style song but it seems just out of his vocal range. He sounds strained has trouble remembering all the words in the song. When he sings the chorus, yes, he points to his big shovel-shaped head. Kirk thought Suzie was fantastic last night but the public saw it differently. She has to sing ‘Bitter Tears’. It’s another straight-ahead rock thing, kind of a variation of ‘Disappear’. She’s shaky in the beginning with the lower notes but picks it up in the middle, when she dramatically sinks to her knees to belt out the chorus. She looks very happy by the end.

INXS must now vote and dash somebody’s hopes. Brooke asks for the decision. Tim says this is a hard job to do. He says Suzie proved she didn’t deserve to be there and to head back to the Peanut Gallery, she’s safe. Jessica? Is a ‘resilient performer’ but she has to watch her pitching. But didn’t Dave N. tell us last night that rock and roll wasn’t about hitting all the notes? Easy for him to say, being a guitarist. But she’s not going anywhere either, she can go back and join the others. That leaves Brandon. He yells at the band ‘Why did you give me ‘Don’t Lose Your Head’? What were you thinking?’ Um, okay, way to ingratiate yourself. He then says he can’t even remember the words to songs he knows. This surprises nobody who’s been paying attention. Tim tells him that to forget the lyrics to one of their songs in front of them is not good, and sorry, ‘but he’s not right for our band INXS’. Dude, this is why Dave hates Wednesdays. His waxer has the day off. No, he loves Brandon and thinks he’s so awesome and he’s going to miss him. Does he have anything to say to the guys? As usual he babbles about thanking the band for the opportunity, it’s an honor to be in the top fifteen, he’s learning, he gets to sing to the world wah wah wah. Man, he didn’t learn anything from the journalism course about keeping his answers short. Cut to Suzie crying and Jessica looking like she could care less. Dave waffles that Brandon does what he does extremely well and to keep at it. Andrew invites him over to the Star Banquette to say a proper goodbye. Bye-bye shovel faced hick! You and your shmegeggy have a nice trip home!

There’s a special show on the contestants on Sunday that I may or may not recap. ‘Cause that’s how I roll. Megan out!

My feet is my only carriage so I've got to push on through

2005-08-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

Iiiiiit's Tuesday night and that can only mean another 'exciting' performance night on RockStar:INXS. So without further ado, not to mention the fact that I don't have anything else with which to make ado, let's hit the stage. Brooke Burke walks onstage and has forgotten her pants and instead is wearing a metal garland around her hips. The ‘skirt’ sways to and fro like there’s some kind of breeze coming from down there. Dave 'Greasy Kid Stuff' Navarro has an excellent view of her crotch and approves heartily. Hi INXS! Hi Dave! Let's go.

Suzie has 'Losing My Religion' by REM. She's rearranged the song from a painfully earnest i'm-totally-closeted thing into a nu-metal mish-mosh. She's sporting a tan shirt-jacket, very wide leg pants and of course, red fingerless satin gloves, no doubt from the Dave Navarro collection. She pretty much shouts her way on-key through the song, making good use of her diaphram muscles. I wasn't impressed by her loud sounds but apparently I'm totally wrong. Dave N. says, 'Game on, right?'. The game of rock? Shouting? He calls her vocals 'Insane! Great!!' I'd agree with one of the two. INXS guy Garry asks her if that was her arrangement and she says yes but J!D! helped her with it. Cut to J.D. trying to look humble? Or gassy, one or the other. Gary says it was her best performance yet. INXS guy Kirk lays on the corn by saying 'if that was just a dream, I don't want to wake up'. Gah. She is surprised and super-happy and returns to the Peanut Gallery.

Next up we have Mig. If you recall from the last episode, Mig generously gave Seal's 'Crazy' to J!D! and said he'd take whatever was left over. He further interviews that this is the second time he's been stuck with a song that he didn't want. He ends up performing Free's 'All Right Now' and if this is the song he didn't want, he doesn't have any ear for what songs highlight his vocals. It's a Stupid Rock classic with a very simple chord progression, originally sung by Paul Rodgers, who coincidentally is on tour with Queen right now, filling in for the departed Freddie Mercury. Last week Mig was great singing Queen's 'We Will Rock You', so I think now he should have a bracelet made that says "WWPRD" standing for 'What would Paul Rodgers do?" Mig is nearly shirtless but wears a tie/scarf and has tiny stripey trousers accenting his stage romping and hip wiggling. Facially he looks a little detatched but makes up for it by moving around the stage and hitting almost all of his hard notes. In all, a very good Rock performance. Dave N. says he was 'awesome and sang that song great', but notes that Mig gives up his first choice of song often. He reminds Mig that it's a competition and tells him to 'fight for the song you really want to do next time.' Kirk admits Tim and he used to play that song together when they first got together and wishes that Mig 'had been around to have sung that song instead of me.' Tim agrees that he was great rocking out but says he would like to have him tackle a ballad next time around. Dave N. agrees and says that 'it's time to make us weep.' With pleasure and not pain, one would assume. So in short, Mig rocked.

Now it's time for J!D! Fortune! with Seal's 'Crazy' I don't know what got into him, but he's shaved all his hair down to about a quarter-inch and is wearing tan pants and a red t-shirt that he's written in Sharpie 'absent'. Silly rabbit, Sharpie shirts are so 1994. He interviews that he knows he hasn't hit his potential yet and must do better and stronger performances. Too bad about this week then. At first he's totally mush-mouthing the vocals so the first line sounds like, 'ah wha the sa ta buh say bot-tay, yeah' like Pootie-Tang karaoke. He's holding the mike stand with his left hand and keeps fluttering and spasming his right hand to signify 'craziness'. Instead it reminds me of 'Evil Dead 2' when Ash's hand becomes possessed and starts attacking him. He's off-key and weak and then off-key and shouty. His teeth are bared like he's ready to bite someone. Not good at all. Dave N. kindly says the song was a very ambitious choice and claims he did a great job. Cut to Mig looking non-plussed. Tim was glad he didn't actually physically go crazy during the song like some of his past performances and calls him on his pitchiness. Dave thanks him and that's it for J!D! A pretty underwhelming performance overall. Actually, it’s was more like a whelming performance.

Up to bat now is underwearless Jessica. Brooke notes she's been in the elimination bottom two (Elimination. Two. Bottom. Hee heeee) for the past two weeks. She's doing 'Come As You Are' by Nirvana. She has on a leather jacket that shows off her belly and black bell-bottoms that need hemming. She's singing ala Kelly Clarkson more than Kurt C., which is not a good thing. She also keeps pronouncing words funny like 'cyome as you are' and 'yas a friend, yas a known enemyyuh', like today's RockStar:INXS was brought to you by the letter Y and the number 2. Wow, on one of her off-notes they cut to one of the INXS guys who flinches. Not convincing, like someone who isn't really feeling it and just thinks by looking intensely at nothing they'll fool everyone. Dave N. starts off saying that this is the best she's looked ever and wants to know why she fought so intently for this song? She says it really fits her personality. Dave N. says the audience 'seemed to respond' which isn't saying much. Sort of like 'air is necessary' and 'night is dark'. However! He didn't feel passion coming from her performance. Jess is surprised. Garry (the flincher) agrees and says you can't replace 'passion with some slick moves' but that she looks ready for a blowjob, er, GREAT I mean great, she looks great. Jessica doesn't take this well and pouts that she really put her heart into it. Jon counters that if she's really feeling that passionate and it's not coming across then he doesn't know how to make that change for her. Yeow. So thumbs down on Jessica.

Time for Jordis and Eric Clapton's 'Layla'. She says she's the youngest one in the house. That is one old-looking twenty-three year old. I had her pegged at thirty at least. Must be the Rock and Roll lifestyle. Anyhoo. The outfit is a black bustier, black shrug, long black skirt and a rhinestone necktie. Her voice is good but not very powerful although she's able to hit the tricky high note at the end of the chorus. Also, for a song about unrequited love, she’s got a quite casual attitude. Overall she's good but not as great as she was last week. Dave N. first off says the house band is 'the bomb, son'. For anyone over the age of thirty, that means he likes them. He adds that this wasn't her strongest performance but that she takes risks and that's important for this competition. Kirk agrees but adds it's still going to be awhile before they see her perform an INXS song, i.e. in the bottom three. Cut to Jessica looking sad.

Brandon is on stage now and he interviews that he needs to find out who Brendan Calhoun is and claims with this song, we're going to see the whole 'shmegeggy'. Uh, yeah dude. I think pennecilin can clear that up now. The song is The Rolling Stones's 'It's All Over Now'. The outfit is jeans, white shirt blue vest and a fedora crammed down on his head. Instead of a British soul shakedown it sounds like an Allman Brothers song the way Brandon does it. His moving is just hopping up and down on his toes really fast alternating with winging out his legs. He muffs a lot of this last note but INXS seems to like it or is simply amused. Dave N. says everytime he does a song with a bluesy vibe, he excells, but he'd like to hear him do something different. Garry loves The Stones, loves (!) Brandon Calhoun but when you 'put the two of them together I wasn't thinking INXS'. This makes Brandon bust out with some Southern nonsense to the audience about them needing him and is met with mild indifference. Kirk notes that he's awesome at what he does, but INXS's music is really diverse and he worries about how that fits in with them. Dave N. finishes off by commending Brandon on him taking the band's critisism so well. Cut to Jessica’s sour puss yet again. Brandon nonsenses saying 'it's rock and roll baby, it's a beautiful thing.' What. Ev. Er.

It's Marty now with The Killers's 'Mister Brightside', a song that immediately makes me turn the channel or station when I hear it. Oh dear. Ten minutes before the show aired Marty decided he didn't need the band and was going to perform it himself with only an acoustic guitar. I really can't look at him without thinking he looks like Rick Springfield with an Andy Warhol wig. He throws in a bit of a British accent on some of his words for some reason. Does he not know that The Killers are from Las Vegas (useless fact #19340)? So he's strummy and singing and it's okay. The clothes are a black jacket and white pants for a change. Dave N. thinks he was awesome and made a 'great choice'. Cut to J!D! looking worried. Dave continues that Marty doesn't always hit all the notes but that being a Rock Star isn't about hitting all the notes! Wha?? It's about intangible magnetism! And Marty (I keep typing Mary) has it. So says Dave, not me. Tim agrees with Dave. Jon says he's on the right track. Hooray for Marty and his strummin' magnetic guitar skills!

Time for Deanna, who last week got in the band's collective face while she sang her song. This week she's taking on 'Long Train Running' by the Doobie Brothers. Another song that normally makes me change the station. She's wearing a super-tight brocade asian-style dress over black pants and a long clip-on blonde fall. She has a good loud voice although she's doing what they call in soul singing 'cornbread', a lot of overly throaty notes. She's up on the drum riser for most of the song, the better for us to see her. She's adding a lot of 'uh!', 'hey!' and 'people!' to the song. She's interacting with the audience from the stage and really sells the last notes for all they are worth. Dave N. asks if it is possible for her to look hotter and hotter as the weeks go by? He also notes her interaction with the band and the chemistry between them, and calls it a 'killer performance'. Jon says she's a great rock singer but that she tends to oversing a little bit. Tim agrees. Kirk wants to hear her doing something without belting it out for a change. He suggests an all-acoustic week, which is not a bad idea if it is really his idea and not Mark Burnett's.

Ty time! He says he felt defeated last week but this week he got ‘No Woman No Cry’ by Bob Marley which talks about feeling defeated but rising above. This week Ty modestly has his Mohawk pasted down on his head, a olive hoodie jacket, black shirt and yes, black pants. I think they should try to do a black pant free week. So Ty sings very well and cuts out the theatrics for a change. J!D! tries for extra camera time for doing a slow boogie to the song. The crowd and INXS are all really into the song. Sadly, Ty totally gives in at the end and melismas the last note, adding seven or eight extra syllables to ‘cry’. Dave N. knows Ty felt defeated last week but he’s totally redeemed himself. Ty admits sometimes you need what he went through. Dave thought he was ‘awesome’ (This show should also try to have a week without the word ‘awesome’ in it) and was full of real passion. Tim says he’s a guy who really can sing and to keep it up. Garry calls it the most soulful performance he’s seen so far by anyone. Cut to Suzie looking glum.

And that’s it! But wait, Brooke Burke is going to give some early voting results! The present bottom three are Jessica, Brandon, and Deanna. Will everything change tomorrow? See you whenever I can get the next recap together.

Now I'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab

2005-08-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

Folks, because S, the usual awesome recapper of RockStar:INXS is off getting married this week (I'm gaining a brother-in-law!), the most recent episodes of the show will be recapped by yours truly. I didn't take notes last night and some of the names of the people I can't remember, so please forgive holes in the narrative.

There's a beginning of the show and everyone is doing the sad thing because Tara is off the show. To no one's surprise, everyone is handling the pain of this loss with drinking and vegetables. People jostle for screen time trying to act the most devastated. Ty grabs the crown by playing the race card, sobbing about how few successful black performers there have been in rock and roll (Little Richard? Chuck Berry? Ike Turner?) and how the odds are against him winning. The contestants look mildly embarassed and chew their vegetables. Mig makes some half-hearted attempt at connecting by saying he's the only Australian there so he knows how Ty feels. Wow, Australian is the new black, you heard it on RockStar!

Everyone loves Jordis and her fifty pounds of hair! It's her birthday! Here's her boyfriend, who is dwarfed by her hair.

Next day, they all go to the Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood where Dave 'Wax on-Wax off' Navarro and one of the Farriss brothers await. Today's rock clinic is going to be about dealing with the press. When you are a public figure in a rock band, you have to do constant press, so it's a big interview-a-rama for the contestants. And plus? All that is said will reach the public. There seem to be only four or five journalists, most of whom are from something like, 'The Tumbleweed Daily Tribune'. The only celeb publication I had heard of was Star Magazine. Naturally, the woman from Star tries to get them all to dish the dirt about who is the least liked in the house. All but Mig decline to take the bait. Mig hems and haws and finally admits J! D! Fortune! (hey, that is fun to type!) is the least popular. Star Magazine woman then tells J! D! that everyone hates him, how does that make him feel? He looks mildly surprised at this and claims to be only misunderstood. He also looks a lot like one of the Coreys. He then tells the camera that sometimes after hearing stuff like this, he just wants to be a total bad boy and screw over the other contestants.

Some other journalist asks what their first memory of INXS was. Marty says it was when he was thirteen years old. Some blond skank says the same. Ty gays that a lot of firsts for him happened to INXS music and my gag reflex fails to kick in. Unlike Ty's. Then the journalist asks Ty what his favorite album of INXS is. He says 'Kick' when the journalist swiftly adds, 'but not Kick. What else do you like of theirs? What's your favorite song off of 'Shabooh Shoobah'? Ty flails and finally admits he doesn't really know all their material by album. Brandon is asked something about Australia. He says he knows a lot about Australia because when he was a teenager? He totally played hockey in Australia etc etc etc. Some blonde is asked what would she choose to do, perform with INXS or go to the funeral of a close family member? She actually seems taken aback by this. She finally hedges her bets and says she's try to do both. Because you can't spell 'funeral' without FUN. Or is that just me?

Greatfully for us at home, it ends and Farriss-dude and Dave N. come to give their scores or whatever it is they give them. Brandon is called out for babbling too much. Ty is commended (!) for being honest and saying that he didn't know what songs were on what albums. Dave N. admits when he was first in the Chili Peppers, he didn't know all the songs or what album they were on (which I bet they were really happy to find that out). Dave N. was also surprised about how many people weren't sure if they would go to their family's funeral or play a gig. In one of the least surprising statements yet, Dave N. says he's cancelled appearances because of a sore throat. So that makes the contestants...liars? Bloodthirsty? Parent-haters?? Good band members??? We'll never know.

Back to Casa De Rock. Also back to drinking. And this time (unlike the other times?) people get wasted. Brandon puts a cig in his mouth and says something clever, like 'Oh, look at me, I'm the singer from INXS!' Oscar Wilde rolls in his grave. Boy, don't start the party without Brandon. People laugh, smoke and drinkdrinkdrink. Next day? Same day during a solar eclipse? The new songs are out! Song titles flash by. 'Crazy' (not Patsy Cline's but Seal's), 'No Woman No Cry' (one guess who snatches this one up and says it would be an honor to perform the song. A song by another unsuccessful black rock star, hmm?), 'Losing My Religion'. Suzie takes 'Religion' and tells J!D! that she wants to perform the song in a three-part a capella harmony(!) J!D! actually encourages this idea and adds a trip-hop/human beat box sound to go along with it. She says he shouldn't be helping her and he simpers, 'but I love you'. Geez, one minute he's mister-bad-boy-screw-the-other-contestants the next minute he loves them? Someone here don't have a strategy to stand on. J!D! also admits he plans on doing the same thing with 'Come As You Are' (Nirvana). So he's going to symbolically shoot it full of heroin and shoot it in the head? But uh-oh, Jessica also wants the song (no telling what she'd do with it).

Conflict! Or what passes for it. It boils down to this - Jess and J!D! go head to head in who wants it more. Jessica says she's been in the bottom twice now and needs this risk. J!D! claims he does too. Jessica reminds him when he tried to be risky with 'We Are the Champions' he totally sucked, nothing personal. Personal is how he takes it though. He gets his panties in a twist and says she can have the song and he'll just take whatever is left over. The smallest violin in the world starts playing.

Mig plays the nice guy and says J!D! can have 'Crazy' instead of him. Aww. J!D! has a relating moment with Mig out by the pool. Is anyone at all surprised that J!D! is a 'hey, I really love you guys I can relate to you sooo much' drunk guy? He tells Mig some story, the punchline of which is, 'because sometimes we're just...' and puts his forearms on top of each other. His left arm on top has tattooed on it, 'being' and his right arm is tattooed, 'human'. Then he says, 'but we're always...' and puts his hands knuckle to knuckle so his arms now read, 'human being'. He must have been waiting days! Nay, weeks! to pull that line on somebody. Too bad he couldn't use it to con one of the unwearless skanks on the show into bed.

New day, time for rehearsals with the unluckiest house band ever. Jessica admits she's pretty hung over. The house band disapproves! How unprofessional! Drunk, stupid, and underwearless is no way to go through life, Jess. They rehearse, she supposedly sounds bad, but we never really hear very much of it. Marty comes in to go through The Killers's "Mister Brightside". The band is impressed, he really knows what he wants with the song. That would be more 'boom boom BAP' from the drummer. Good choice, Mart. Finally Suzie comes in to do 'Religion'. Defying the laws of physics she manages to both suck and blow. The band politely question the direction she wants to take the song but she stands firm. A capella/trip-hop/barbershop quartet it is.

So what have we learned about being a RockStar this week? Don't admit to things you don't know! Don't rehearse hungover! Canceling a concert because of a sore throat is fine! I have a better memory then I thought! On to tonight's show....

Seen

2005-08-09T15:47:00.000-07:00

Today as I was walking past Broadway and 8th Street, I saw a woman run by. She looked to be in her twenties. She was wearing a jogging bra, short tight running shorts, socks and sneakers. And carrying a very unused looking full-sized shovel. Was it a quick errand (she didn't have a purse or fanny pack)? Something she found (she was running with it, holding it in one hand)? A pre-emptive strike against mashers? No idea.

Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out

2005-08-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

RockStar:INXS

So, elimination night. I watched a few nights ago, again no notes. Doing the best I can... First off, no surprise- Jordis gets the encore spot. In! Your! Face! J! D! Fortune! She sings her song beautifully; I guess she doesn't need to worry about getting kicked off the show tonight. They are going to have a really hard time getting rid of this chick- she's just too good a singer. Then again, their dismissal line is not, "I'm sorry, but you just don't sing well enough to be part of our band, INXS". It's "You're just not right for our band INXS" which is very vague, not putting the blame on any one thing. The sign off line should be, "I'm sorry, but you don't have a penis and testicles, so you're just not right for our band, INXS". Sorry, back to recap.

Again, Brooke Burke (who by the way is splitting with her husband, a plastic surgeon...if any gentlemen out there are interested! I read that in People magazine) asks the group if any of them think they deserve to be in the bottom three. About half raise their hands, Brooke chides them, "Now are some of you raising your hands to try to be modest?"... Shut up and get on with the bottom three, in no particular order, of course.

The bottom three are: Ty (Everlong), Brandon (If you could only see), and Tara (I still can't remember what she sang! Damn!). They are handed their song challenges: Brandon gets to sing "Devil Inside", Tara gets "Beautiful Girl" ("I love that song!" she simpers), and Ty gets "Kick".

So, Brandon first. I'll give him this- he looks much better tonight- like he had a little makeover. He's shaved the beard/stubble shield he usually has on his shovel chin, but still have some fine sideburns, dressed much better in a lean suit & dark shirt. Dave Navaro gave him major props earlier in the show for his style- "Dude! You look awesome!". And what would you know about style, Mr I have a horrible outfit in the rock & roll hall of fame? Sigh. But, oh lord, Brandon does not at all sing this song well. I feel bad for him. Most of the singing in "Devil Inside" is in the lower range. He's better at the mid-range screamy/shouty kind of singing, not attempting a low, seductive croon. He look awkward, doesn't dance or move well, at least he doesn't do the falling-down thing he's done at least twice. He loses the rhythm a time or two, fluffs a few lines and tries to cover with "Woo! Yeah! C'mon let me hear ya!". I honestly thought he blew it.

Next Tara, singing the really insipid "Beautiful Girl". What a shit choice for a girl to sing. It's just a dull song, she sort of strolls around the stage, smiling beatifically, sings well but oops! My head just hit the keyboard. I dozed off while thinking of Tara's performance. So, so dull. I don't know though... she sang better than Brandon, that's for sure.

Finally we have Ty, who has been very well matched to this song. It's high energy, plus the word "Kick" gives him the opportunity to do many flamboyant kicks! He sings it really well, and he works the stage- the most amazing thing about his performance is that he manages to full teeth bared smile throughout the whole thing. He looks like he's both really enjoying himself and also knows he's totally kicking (hee! pardon the pun) Tara and Brandon's butts. Anyway, really good performance.

Sure enough, after the commercial, Ty is told, go back to sit with the others, you're not going anywhere. He knows it too- he goes over to join the others. So, it's down to Tara (good singer, saddled with a crap song), and Brandon (who isn't a good singer and really blows the opportunity to prove himself better than the previous night). I can imagine who will stay in? If you guesses the contestant with male genitalia, you are right on! Tara is gracious; when they ask her if she has anything she wants to say, she gushes, "Oh I have so many things I want to say..." and if my memory serves correctly, they kind of cut her off mid sentence. It's like, stop wasting our time. Go back to your "successful" singing career.

So, to recap the remaining girls: we have Jordis (amazing singer), Deanna (something to prove, but obviously set up to fail by the age thing mentioned by the vocal coach), Jessie (willing to wear as little underwear as possible), and Suzie (prone to crying on camera, really forgettable)... I think they'll be pretty easy to dispatch.

There was no mention of a Monday show- will we not have another rock clinic? Oh no!!!!! I'll be off "Rock Star" for a week or so because of the wedding trip- so I'll just have to try to pick up where we left off. Who wants to guess which girls go first/next?

G'night!
S.

I'll crush you like a jellybean

2005-08-05T18:04:00.000-07:00

I'm back from my chest CAT scan. What a load of fun. More like an hour of reading followed by ten minutes of waiting finished up with five minutes of actual scan. A couple of things -
- For those unfamiliar with a CAT scan, they stick you on a board and slide you into a big donut-y machine, bringing visions of being fed into a wood chipper. Today's test had me in the tube up to my neck. And what was waiting right in front of me? Why, my favorite warning! "Laser aperature. Do not look into aperature". And where does this cornea-destroying warning appear today? Only a foot away from my precious eyes! Oh, I felt like looking into that shiny shiny aperature SO BADLY. It may as well have said, 'Free candy. Do not eat candy'. I had to finally close my eyes just to get the test done.
- When you need contrast in a CAT scan you have to drink a Barium smoothie, horrible tasting concoctions, a cup for every fifteen minutes for an hour. And the taste? Imagine you have a poisonous metal bar in your mouth and you're for some reason sucking on that. The consistancy is like Milk of Magnesia but more congealed. The 'flavor' is unspeakable and for some reason, no manufacturer has thought of making vanilla or chocolate smoothies. I've seen grown adults whine, cry and trying to plead their way out of finishing a bottle of this toxic goo. Anyway, out in the waiting room there is the registration desk. And what is the only thing on the austere black stone counter? An ad for Barium smoothies and how delicious they are! Like you have a choice in Barium smoothies brands when you get there. And the super-yummy flavors? Banana, berry and...apple??? I had to read that twice.

So never get sick and don't get cancer and stay away from CAT scans and Barium smoothies. The end.

We are family - I got all my sisters with me

2005-08-05T15:50:00.000-07:00

So, on with the RockStar:INXS performance episode. Again, no notes were taken, so I might not get all the song names right, or critique in order of appearance. I've got a bad case of Bride Brain. On with the show!

This time, we start off the show right away with a performance... as the camera pans over the crowd and Brooke Burns starts shouting "welcome to blah blah INXS blah blah", a familiar "Boom Boom clap" drum & audience/band noise overwhelms us... yes, it's "We Will Rock You", by Queen. I wonder how Mig persuaded them to let him open the show like this, even before the credits & introductions? The powers of Mig are strong.

He does very well, hits all the notes & works the stage well. The crowd is loving the Mig- he is positively Mignetic! The house band seems to really like him too- they definitely play better depending on the song & performer. You can tell they're just going through the motions with some of the rockers. When the lead guitarist walks upstage playing the big Brian May solo, he & Mig have fun making Rock Face and Guitar Face while the solo lasts. INXS and Dave Navarro (damn, why are you here, man?) all give Mig big thumbs up- one of them takes a swipe at J!D! Fortune! by remarking how "We will Rock You" leads into "We are the Champions"that was performed last week... they all snigger as the camera cuts to J!D! looking constipated. INXS guy says that unlike that performance, Mig would have made Brian May & the rest of Queen proud. Go on with your bad self, you Mignificent Mig!

Next, we have Deanna, who sings "I'm the Only One" by Melissa Etheridge. After seeing Monday's rock clinic vocal coach rip her to shreds and all but tell her to give it up, you know she's got something to prove. She's off in the beginning with the low notes, but once she hits the chorus she starts really belting it out, throwing around her hair and looking mighty strong... then, she moves to the front of the stage and down into the crowd- they scatter from her path and she jumps up onto the sacred Banquet of INXS and Dave Navarro, and screams the choruses till the end right at them, waving her arms and striking a fierce stance. They stare, looking just a little scared- Deanna is pretty statuesque and looks like she could pick up Dave Navaro and snap his little lollipop body in half. When the song finishes, she tunnels back through to the stage, stopping to hug a woman in the audience. When she jumps back up onstage, she pants, "That's my sister, she's right there...". One of the guys cracks, "Wow, your sister, and you managed to not lose it?". The camera cuts to a reaction shot of J!D! Fortune! who looks to have just eaten a rotten lemon. They give Deanna props for a powerful performance, and warn her to watch her timing on the song if she decides to do something like that again.

Next, we have Marty, who sings a Creed song, "With Arms Wide Open". Marty once again turns in a very good performance- I think Creed is awful, and he makes me not hate the song, so it must have been a good performance. He does the standing still thing for most of the song, but does a strange arm-wave "mad conductor" thing during a solo moment when he isn't singing. It's a little too Marcel Marceau for me. DN and INXS praise his performance, and remark on how much he's been improving every week. They like him, they really really like him!

Here's where I get fuzzy on the order- I think Brandon sings next. He does that Tonic song, "If you could only see". I had originally thought Brandon was a shoo-in to win this thing, but I'm starting to waver. He really doesn't have much of a range, and as a house band guy noted on Monday, he has a real problem with rhythm. He's still doing the stooping over thing, which diminishes his tallness (as noted by J!D!) and looks awkward. For some reason, DN and INXS still give a weak performance a solid thumbs up, and say how he has benefited so much from the vocal clinic...maybe the TV distorts the sound, because I really didn't hear it. I'd say he's made a definite move from average to mediocre.

Ty time! He has the Foo Fighters song, "Everlong". Something happened to Ty at the vocal clinic, because he sounds really different this week, and I don't mean in a good way. On one hand, he sounds more masculine than he has before, and more rock appropriate in his moves (read- not gay) but he also loses his stage presence along with his vibrato. I have to agree with the theatrical thing they keep throwing in his face, but when he's not doing that thing he just gets kind of forgettable. Flamboyance is a good rock quality- so what if it's not totally macho? They give him props, DN notes that he did pretty well since he only just heard the song for the first time a few days before. Someone must have been slipping the guys some happy pills along with their cocktails, because their judging this week is way more cheerful and supportive. Did I mention that the editors are going crazy this week showing reaction shots from J!D!? I know they're trying to give us a little drama story, but I just feel really bad whenever they show him because he's so obviously wanting everyone else to fail. I wonder if they are allowed to watch the show in the Rock Mansion? If they are, they would for sure be aware at this point of his "Evil Scheme"...

Our next performance is Jordis, who chose "The Man who Sold the World", by David Bowie. Oh. My. God. She walks out, stands still and does the almost impossible on a show like this- she sings the hell out of this song, and makes it as powerful and special as Mr.. Bowie's.We are now very clear about who is the best singer on this show. She has a gorgeous control of her voice, and also packs a real emotional quality into her performance. Last week we saw Tara sing "Suffragette City" and really make hash out of it- I wince every time I think of her little hip-cocking pose at the end, ugh. Jordis, you might want to try to get yourself off this show as quick as possible- you are way too good to be competing for a lame opportunity like this. You deserve much much better. The INXS guys and DN are stunned too- they fall over themselves telling her how amazing she was; she accepts the praise with a genuine smile & remarks how the song really moves her. She mentions again how it reminds her of a friend who died, and she says to the camera that she wants the guy's family to know she's thinking of them and remembers her friend. Again, Jordis, you are too good for this. Yet AGAIN, the camera shows J!D! off to the side- he now has the unenviable position of having to follow this show-stopping performance. He looks appropriately sick and terrified.

So, J!D! does "The Letter", which he plotted and schemed to get, even though no one else really wanted it (Suzie said she liked it, kind of). Hate to say it, but he does a good job- however, if I would give him an 8 out of 10, I'd also have to subtract 7 points for what a douche bag he is. DN notes it sucked having to follow Jordis, but hey! It was his best performance yet! Oh, Dave, you giant whore. The INXS guys also give good marks, but if they do watch the Monday episodes (which they mentioned earlier in the show they do) don't they see that this guy would be terrible in a band because he obviously can't get along with anyone? Sorry to slip into corporate speak, but if you're in a band, you need to be a team player. If you can't, you become Steve Perry. Or Dennis DeYoung. Alienating the rest of the group as you shove your ideas down everyone's throat- I don't believe for a second that all of Styx was on board with the whole Mr.. Roboto thing (even if Styx sucked before this, the whole song-story of the futureworld of Mr. Roboto really put them over the top into the hall of Shame).

Jessie girl is up- with "Blister in the Sun". Ugh. She's got the really annoying habit of "acting" through her songs- making faces & gestures along with the words. She does try, and does her usual I'm-so-sexy-look-at-me-stroke-my-inner-thigh, but still looks to me like a "Girls gone Wild" outtake. When she finishes, INXS and DN note that she did pretty well with a song that really doesn't show off much singing- hey guys, who picks the damn songs? Oh right- Random McShuffle. DN says, "we've seen you do good performances, but where's Jessie? We need more of your personality". Jessie says with much exasperation, "This is it. This IS my personality. I don't know what else you want from me...". you know the answer to that, Jessie- what they always want from you...

Oh, shit- I can't remember what Tara sings. She's not very good. That i can remember. When she finishes, they note that she's got a successful career already (really?) and ask her rather pointedly how she feels about singing cover songs. She smirks and says, she liked the previous week's song, and this one, and she thinks she's finding herself...damn, it's going to make me nuts, I can't remember her stupid song. Any way, FORESHADOWING. MAJOR FORESHADOWING.

Last but sort of least, is Suzie singing the Lennon/McCartney classic, "Get Back". I'm surprised they can use this song- do they have to pay licensing fees to use the songs? I mean, the Beatles can't be cheap. It's (big sigh) okay... but as is later noticed, much of the song is solos from the band. So, eh... end of show.

Usual voting cues from Brooke Burke... tune in to see what gets the boot!
Got no more Aussie anything. Peter Jackson? Peter Jackson!

S.

I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony

2005-08-04T08:46:00.000-07:00

This one's probably going to be a shortie- am tired after a long day & the gym after work.

Plus, this first show wasn't too interesting... my hands-down favorite "Rock Clinic" was definitely the style one, despite Dave Navaro in his white feather boa. Monday's "Rock Clinic" was all about vocal technique & training, hence the subject heading. But first! Who can forget the dramatic elimination episode last Wednesday, and the ensuing competition for biggest show of hysterics? Off we go to the Rock Mansion...

Once again, the banquet table is heavily laden with sensible snacks, and once again again, the rockers are clustered about it, toasting to... the fact that they all hadn't been eliminated! Actually, there was a bit of moaning and pissing about the two recently dispatched ladies, Daphna and Heather. A few quotes...

"The house feels empty- we lost two people!"
"... give a big bomb... a big shake... we can't afford to not be 100%"
"The loss you feel is something you have to come to grips with!"
"I miss Heather and Daphna so much..."

See any difference from last week, when Neil's huge energy went away? Yes, the tide has turned- they don't seem so much sad that the two were kicked off; instead, the remarks and toasting to the newest losers had a perfunctory feeling to them. Several people make comments about how they feel more motivated this week by what happened. Yep, nothing like a faded 80's pop group's power tripping on their own show to give you the kick in the pants you need.

Then, a surprise! An ordinary woman with brownish hair is seen entering the back patio area where the mourning rockers are toasting (isn't it sort of weird to have them sitting around the pool? Somehow I don't think of bright sunlight when I imagine a rock lifestyle... would Keith Richards be out by the pool snacking in the midday sun? I don't think so). It seems that Marty, as an additional treat for performing well during the last competition, has been granted a visit from his sister! I find this a little odd- nice to have family visits and all, but can't they invite people over if they want to? Are the sequestered in the Rock Mansion? And what's the deal with the ongoing sister fixation? Another sister will turn up in the next episode, but you'll have to wait to find out whose sister it is!

Marty's mind is blown by the fact his sister has visited- doesn't take much to blow his mind, I guess. He introduces her around and shows her all his rock stuff, his room, his guitar, tells us that having her there was "like having my whole family walk up!". Aww. It's kind of sweet, actually- after she is seen saying goodbye to everyone, Marty says to the group, "Thanks guys for being so nice to my sister". See, rockers can have good manners, too. Then, an annoying moment- Suzie is shown weeping; one person asks why she's crying and she sobs out how much she misses her family. Sure you do- and you wanted a little camera time by making a dramatic scene. I hate the weepy "pay attention to me" quality of this outburst. We also get a moment with Mig, who says that if having a family member visit is part of your reward for getting the encore performance, he's going to perform like crazy this week (something to that effect- I got bored and stopped taking good notes this week).

So, on we go to vocal coaching. The rockers spontaneously wander en mass into a room, to find DN, an INXS guy, and some other guy who is introduced as one of the top vocal coaches in the music business- his list of clients include Courtney Love (hmm), Axl Rose (great singer, if you like the sound of Ethel Merman screwing a cat), Chris Cornell (i have the feeling he was already a good singer), and Eddie Vedder. I guess this dude was really busy in the 1990's... I didn't write down his name, but I think it was Ron? I'm going to call him Ron.

Jessica the pantiless goes first- she is asked to hum and swallow at the same time. I bet it's not the first time our girl Jessie has been asked to hum and swallow, nudge nudge. She fails! She ends up learning some trick of putting her fingers on her skull and singing; somehow it amplifies her own voice inside her head, and indeed she is suddenly on pitch and sounds much better singing "Never Tear Us Apart". Who knew?

The rest go up one at a time... we get to see all of the doing silly humming, la la la la, ooohhhh, waaaahhh, weee-ooo wee-ooo, noisy embarrassing vocal gymnastics. Brandon shares with us that he's 31, damn'it, and he likes his voice just fine, damn it. If he was watching this show, he'd clearly see that he is in fact the only person who sees no room for improvement. Ty gets yet another "theatre" comment- whenever he gets vibrato, it sounds theatrical. Ty tosses his mohawk and sniffs petulantly. Poor Deanna gets the worst treatment- I know I've not commented much on her performing because I find her pretty dull, but she really doesn't deserve this... Ron informs her that she's got a problem, because if you haven't gotten your vocal technique down by the time you're 35, you can't ever really be a great singer- at that point age changes your anatomy, "begins to break down" and you're just screwed since the flexibility to change is gone. I don't know how old Deanna is, but it really sucked that this guy Ron felt the need to say this in front of INXS guy. She is seen off camera saying she wish he hadn't said that in front of everyone- in a competition for a new singer, it doesn't help to be branded as a hopeless cause. Later, Dave Navaro is softly talking her down, as they sit on the sofa... "Deanna, you need to show us your vulnerability"...I'm sure DN has something he'd like to show Deanna, especially since we now know Susie cannot hum and swallow simultaneously.

Song choices! Gotta wrap this up quickly- getting bleary tired and typing the same things twice typing the same things twice. The usual stupid stupid (I meant that two times) J!D! Fortune! shenanigans ensue as he wants a song badly... but must outwit another singer from choosing it! He needs a lesson in direct communication- just say you want to sing the f*cking song. He does some weird bait and switch thing so he can sing "The Letter" instead of her. Whatever... another cringing moment as we see J!D! singing alone in his room, over-emoting to his biggest fan, himself. Jordis chooses "The Man Who Sold the World", and says it makes her cry, because it makes her think of a friend who died. Brandon chooses "If you could only see" by Tonic- I thought I didn't know this song, until I heard the rehearsal & realized it's one of those MOR pop tunes that was all over the radio a few months/years ago. Ty ends up with a Foo Fighters song, "Everlong"... says the timing is challenging, he doesn't know the song at all & isn't sure it's going to work out for him. Mig takes "We will Rock You".Jessie gets stuck with "Blister in the Sun", which is a fun song, but wouldn't be called a vocal showcase- involves much sneering attitude, which I don't think our Sorority Girl can muster up. There is also much time spent with Jessie confession to another rocker how lousy she feels that she's been in the bottom three two weeks in a row, and everyone must hate her. But, she has the magical ability to not wear underwear and sing simultaneously, so she might pull it off...

I leave you breathless- I said do you speak my language? He just smiled and gave me a vegamite sandwich!

S.

Not the heat but the stupidity

2005-08-03T10:58:00.000-07:00

So you know what I hate? Having someone hijack my knitting group. Like when they tell you that you'll be going to this guy's huge loft in Brooklyn and we can all knit and there's going to be tons of food? And first you can't get out there because not a single cab driver knows Brooklyn streets? So the guy who owns the loft picks you up but you're separated from your friends because there's not enough room in the car, so you're like odd man? Hate that. Then one of the people in the car makes some crack at you about, 'so when are the Chippendale's (dancers) showing up?' and you haven't a clue what they're talking about then they say, 'you're looking at me like I'm crazy' and you're totally busted because you are? Ticks me off. And then you get there and walk in and there's a lot more people then you'd thought there would be and people are there to talk and eat and smoke from the second-biggest bong you've ever seen and suddenly you realize that you're going to be the only two people knitting there? And for the rest of the evening you have to deal with concescending people coming over and smirking, 'knitting, huh?" like you're five years old? Totally chafes me. Then when there is food no one tells you the food is ready, and when you go to get all this food you've been promised it's just little bite-sized pieces of fish so you spend the rest of the time knitting and hungry and making your knitting smell fishy? And everyone is drinking wine including the bottle you brought but you're not drinking because of the heat, so you feel like someone owes you $20 worth of food? Then they put on hideously loud rap music but then change that to horrifying loud FRENCH rap music, very ESL-styling? Awful. Then your friend goes to find some dessert because there's a plate of something nearby that looks like ice cream and you get your hopes up, but then she comes back and reports not only is there no dessert, the 'ice cream' is just a full ashtray? And you get stuck sitting next to a couple of over-tattooed clowns bragging about all the body modification they've had done and you want to call them a couple of pussies because your leg is going to be cut off and that's a lot more radical then some stinkin' tattoos and piercings? Pisses me off. Then somehow you scam a ride home and when you get in your cat goes mental and bites you for no good reason? And the next morning you smell the shirt you were wearing and realize it smells like you've been doing major bong hits all evening, so you'll have to wash it instead of wearing it on your date tonight? Sucks.

I did add about five inches on my scarf though and that I like just fine.

Crawling from the wreckage

2005-08-01T11:20:00.000-07:00

Strange being awake and upright for a change. I definintely overdid it on Saturday. I had a 'date' with Catboy who I met on the internet. He's a basic nice guy, but he kind of looks like a serial killer, so I haven't made up my mind about him yet. We went to the Bronx Zoo, going against my better instincts. I try never to go there on the weekends and during the summer because of the crowd factor. Spent too much of the day trying not to step on children so I could see the tigers going through their paces. I had also forgotten how much walking is involved, so by the time we left, I was exhausted and my back was killing me. Then in the middle of changing subways going home, we got separated. We finally met up again at 14th street and headed to the Lakeside for cold refreshing beverages. A few too many cold refreshing beverages. There's a hole in my memory and the next thing I know I was projectile vomiting on my bedroom floor. Very attractive. The Boy put me to bed, slept on the couch and split in the morning. I was still barfy when I woke up (my aim was better this time) so I just stayed in bed the whole day. So now I still have to catch up to the Sunday paper and also have to deal with Social Security today. Good times.

Perhaps as a positive omen there's a cardinal singing out in my backyard (the red bird not the church figure). Should be all uphill from here.

'Cause two out of three ain't bad

2005-08-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

Again, the strings of suspense greet us along with Brooke Burke- she reminds us that everyone is just one bad performance away from elimination... points out the exceptional performances of Ty (Everybody Hurt), Jordis (Gimme some Lovin') and Marty (Lithium). She introduces the INXS guys, again sitting in the Judgment Banquet. Along with Dave Navaro, who thankfully is not subjecting us to his hairless man-pits. Dave oozes, "You look exceptionally smokin' tonight, Brooke"... I absolutely hate how he plays the whole "Sweetheart, Honey, you look hot, etc. " kind of bullshit with the lady contestants. He might as well be prefacing every statement with "Since I know a woman won't win this, i automatically do not need to show any respect for you, and will instead focus on your f*ckability and lack of underwear wearing." I'd like to see him pull that shit with the guys. At least American Idol doesn't really slant the competition much towards either gender, and they are also way less appearance focused (they tend to poke fun at the outfits or sometimes praise their appearance, but it doesn't have the overlying tone of sleaze that DN puts across... then again I think he'd sound sleazy communicating anything, like ordering fast-food at a drive through window.).

First, DN states that he and the band talked about it the previous night, and he wanted to say that he had been really wrong with how he judged Marty's performance; Marty was actually awesome. DN also feels the need to share with us that he's only been booed twice in his career, and both times were from his previous evening's remarks. I highly doubt you've only been booed twice, you hairless freak.

Marty reprises Lithium, and again does an OK job... he kind of reverts a bit to his own personal style of jerking and twitching during the loud parts of the song. I figured out what these moves remind me of- the guy in the Devo video for (I can't get no) Satisfaction, who spazzes and jerks in place before he throws himself to the floor and starts flipping around in a crazy rock seizure. Please stop doing this, Marty- it really detracts from what you're doing right.

Yes, so, Brooke opens the Envelope of Doom- first she notes that INXS was pretty harsh the previous night towards some of them, and did any of them think they might be ranked in the bottom three? About half the rockers raise their hands; I am not sure if they really think this or are just trying to appear self-effacing. Before Brooke reads the names, she again tells us that these are in no particular order of sucking.

The three about to be losers are: Jessie (she of the Bird Bustier and Because the Night), Daphna (who train-wrecked way hard with Rock the Casbah), and Heather (Butterfly girl, obviously throwing in the towel with her half- hearted rendition of If It Makes You Happy).

One INXS guy notes how much each of them failed to deliver- first noting Jessie was in the bottom three 2 weeks running, reiterating how Daphna destroyed rock the Casbah (she attempts to lighten the criticism by joking that it's a punk song, and punk songs are meant to be murdered... sound of crickets), and Heather's shaky vocal due to illness.

First up is Daphna, who is asked to sing "What you Need". In a sudden surprising gesture, two INXS guys decide to get up and jam with the band through their own songs. K noted during our first viewing that they really don't sound much better playing their own songs than the house band does... I wonder how long it's been since they've gotten on stage and played out? They sure aren't taking any risks by playing on this show.

Daphna tries, but she still is not a very strong singer; I think it's worth considering that a performer can often only rise to the level of their material. She keeps doing this odd way-too-low singing style when she gets to the chorus "That's what... yoooooouuuuu nneeeeedoooooo". Also she has a really unfortunate way of moving- standing with knees apart, and fanning them back and forth (while wearing gauchos, no less). Also, she seems to be downplaying her hotness tonight, which will surely count against her.

Heather's up next- she's asked to sing "By Your Side", a song we really don't remember at all. The INXS guys note that it is a ballad, and will really show off her voice (in other words, we can really hear how limited your range is). Predictably, she really throws away her performance, but I can't blame her since the song kind of sucks and she seems to have resigned herself to the fact that trying to compete for this "chance of a lifetime" is pretty much finished. She's also not playing up her hotness, which will surely count against her.

Then we have Jessica, who is asked to perform Elegantly Wasted, a stupid song if there ever was one. She really is still trying to stay in the competition- she works the stage, singing her best, and most importantly, appears to be wearing no underwear what so ever. A little halter top, a thin red knit skirt, high shiny boots, and slut-red lipstick all say, I'll do anything to stay, even flash my cooter to the audience.

So, after the break, Jessie is indeed told she is safe for another week (see? Am I not right?). She smiles and exits the stage, no doubt to go blow DN on the side banquet. We're left with Daphna and Heather, who do the girl thing and hold hands. The INXS guys note that although Daphna worked the stage well (if you're into crickets) but her vocal was still pretty shaky. Then one of the guys states that Heather seems to have given up already- she shrugs; why do I think she's giving the finger to the band in her not-held hand. Then, the verdict- the INXS guys say, they've talked, and neither of them is right for the band, and they're both out. Daphna immediately gets tears in her eyes, which seem genuine, and Heather stays pretty expressionless. They hug.

We get sight of the other contestants, who look really horrified and immediately start competing for who can carry on most and get camera attention. Except of course, our leper, J!D! Fortune. Wow, the other rockers are really hating on him, but he is indeed hate-worthy. When asked for a reaction, DN stammers out how shocked he is with the band's decision... I find this pretty funny because it finally shows us that DN has nothing to do with the judging process, begging the question, why are you here, DN? Doesn't anyone want to come out and play with you anymore?

DN asks if either girl wants to say anything to the band- Daphna says she's been bought up right and so accepts this graciously; she's now going to go home and try to support her Mom. GUILT TRIP!!!!! Heather says thanks anyway; she's going home to build a monster SUV, throw her dogs and Guit' pedals in the back, and take off across the USA. Good for you, Heather- I like how she just checked out at some point, knowing this whole thing is a huge embarrassing farce (their being given the chance to what, cover iNXS songs? For no doubt a fairly limited amount of time, and probably very little money).

Again, the other rockers compete to show who can make the biggest spectacle of themselves as the show closes. I'm sure we'll be in for some major hysteria tonight in the rock mansion, as they gather around the Table of Sensible Snacks. Can't wait!

G'day, Sheilas and Mates~
S.

I'm in love with my car

2005-07-31T11:36:00.000-07:00

I am sorry to be delinquent in writing a recap for the performance episode for "Rock Star"- things have been a bit crazy at home and to be honest, this week's show was... really boring. However, we did see the return of Dave Navaro- I didn't point it out, but Monday's episode was completely 100% Navaro free! Having him back on the show gives me the same feeling that I get when I see the wart of the bottom of my foot- it's really disgusting, I know it will go away eventually but in the meantime it really makes me sick to look at... so, I'm going to try to make sure I give a quote from Dave for every performance. Just in case you missed all that he brings to the Rock table.

Brook Burke appears & does her usual "Are you ready to rock/the games is on/competition is heating up/a performance away from elimination!!". The crowd goes wild- gee, do you think that free drinks are given to the audience? She introduces the INXS guys in their power banquet off to the side, with Dave Navaro- he raises his arm and does that stupid devil finger horns gesture (new drinking game- take a shot whenever he does this with his hand- guaranteed to waste you by the end of the show). Horrible sight- his totally hair free pits! This looks just plain wrong on a man. And Dave, you are not Man enough to try to pull this off.

Jordis- "Gimme Some Lovin"-
With the exception of her irritating "Alright! Are you ready to sing along with me.." thing she does w/the audience, she does really quite well with this song. I still say that a woman will not win this show, but she's definitely one of the better singers... Does less thrashing about, no doubt having learned from the "Stagecraft" bitch session.
Stupid Dave comment- "You dropped a line in the beginning... but WHO CARES?" throws hands in air & the pits appear again.

Suzy- "Superstitious"
She walks out, screams, "Let's get funky!!!", then proceeds to do the opposite. Sorry, Suzy, but I was reminded of when I was in Columbus, Ohio, years ago and heard an all-white "Blues band" at a bar.. so seriously not funky. She keeps popping out her eyes in a bad way when she gets to the word "Superstitious" in the song. Please stop acting out on the songs....
Stupid Dave comment- "You look hot!"

Jessica- "Because the night"
She walks onto stage in a bustier made from a large bird, perhaps a turkey. She sings OK, but does this weird yodeling inflection during parts of the song. Pretty dull, made me realize how embedded the Patti Smith version is in my head- anyone else singing it sounds like a bad karaoke night.
Stupid Dave comment- "I took you way more seriously when you stood still."

IMPORTANT NOTE! Tonight, we have the first appearance of the word "Pitchy", which is a staple of American Idol.

Mig- "Lola"
He rearranges the song to try to be way funky- when K watched with me the other night, he totally cringed at the guys wa-wa pedal playing- and K knows his Wa. I finally realize who Mig looks like- one of the Monkees (pop group) especially wearing a silly military style jacket over a bare chest. When he says, "I got down on my knees" he does fall right to his knees, and there is a quite spontaneous screeee!!! from the girls. You go, Mig.
Stupid Dave comment- "I don't know where to start man, I have so many things to say to you..." which really means, I hate you. It's the same sort of stalling thing Paula Abdul says on AI when she hates one of the girls and can't really say that. C'mon guys, just whip 'em out already.
One of the INXS dudes says, "I'd like you to show more abandon... like if you had a half a bottle of vodka..." Oh really? Where'd the other half go?

Brandon- "Tempted"
Very bad, he looks way uncomfortable. maybe because he's finally wearing shoes? Can't quite hit the notes. Does the dumb "How're you doin'" kind of lounge singer thing.
Stupid Dave comment- "You're a guy who can look awesome in a white belt"

Ty- "Everybody hurts"
And we do. At least, I do. I HATE this song. Brooke tells us this is Ty's attempt to prove he's "the whole package".
I don't want to think about Ty's package. He shouldn't sit with his shirt unbuttoned, bad abs. The crowd does the swaying back & forth hand thing, a la "Purple Rain"
Stupid Dave comment- "I think I just saw someone who wants to be a member of INXS!"

Heather- "If it makes you happy"
Let's face it, like her or not, Sheryl Crow is a very good singer. Heather is not. The Butterfly girl goes down in flames; finally, we recognize substance over style wins. She blames it on being sick.
Stupid Dave comment- "I've got to be honest, honey- I'm used to feeling this Atlanta heat from you, and I just didn't feel it tonight".

J!D!- "We are the champions"
Yes, it's just as bad as we hoped for... before he begins, Brooke chirps, "Game on!". Game over right from the start- he sings waaaay low, K asks, Is this the Sisters of Mercy version? He misses most of the notes, does a weird hand circling bow when he sings "my friends", gives up and lets the audience sing one line, and simply mouths, "of the world". J!D! jumps off stage at the end and hugs some girl, bounces back up and very emotionally tells us how moved he is because it's he sister he hasn't seen in years- dude, you lived in your car- could you not have driven over some time?
Stupid Dave Comment- "While J!D!s givin' the love, huge props to the house band!"
J!D! say in response to the song choice not being humble (We are the Champions after being told he's cocky), he snivels, I chose it because we all are the champions! while gesturing to the other contestants. They shoot him withering looks. They are not buying it. BTW, while he train-wrecked w/the song, the editors had fun showing us reaction shots of the other contestants.... schadenfreude, anyone?

Deanna- "Give a little bit"
This woman bores the shit out of me. I got nothing.
Stupid Dave comment- "I think you have something really special"... sheesh, even he's bored.

Daphna- "Rock the Casbah"
She destroys this song. Also wears a long white floaty dress, black leather gloves and once again, gi-normous earrings. So painful to watch- even the band hates her- they are sounding like shit, and you know I'm totally on their side.
Stupid Dave comment- "Here's the good news- you look awesome!"

Tara- "Suffragette City"
She sings... alright. Again, I just can't bring myself to disassociate this song from Mr. Bowie. She's wearing an odd combo of pantsuit and bra, ends song with an awkward hip-thrust pose, should not have done the part of the song "Wham Bam thank you ma'am!". Sounds wrong from a woman.
Stupid Dave comment-"Thanks, sweetheart... Suffragette City is a song full of energy and angst, attitude- your performance was a little cute for me..."

Marty- "Lithium"
Marty does a pretty okay job with this- Brooke points out the sacredness of Nirvana's music to Dave Navaro. Can someone tell me what his connection to them was? I imagine him as following them around wanting to be hanging with the cool guys... he survived, Nirvana did not. I am reminded of Salieri at the end of Amadeus, when he is taken away to the madhouse, screaming about the triumph of mediocrity. Dave, thou art Salieri.
Stupid Dave comment- "Great performance!"
Stupid Marty comment- "I did it for you!"

Will do results show as soon as I can...

"That's not a knife! ...This is a knife!" Sheila, I am running out of Australian slang... soon I'll be reduced to quoting "Men at Work" songs.

G'day,
S.

Memories of ...Meat??

2005-07-28T22:03:00.000-07:00

First off, a big hand to the ladies of SJI for taking my sorry ass out tonight. It was a rum-filled evening and now I'm feeling a bit girl-drink drunk. Paper umbrellas for everyone!

For some reason, dinner reminded me of going to New Orleans back in 1995. The Mule and I had spent a whole week totally OD-ing on meat filled that, meat filled this, and the meat filled other thing. The last morning we were there, we ordered pancakes and waffles for a change. Without missing a step, our waitress immediately wanted to know, "what kind of meat y'all want with that". Not IF, mind you. Could this be a reason I haven't been back to New Orleans since?

With a name like Constantine

2005-07-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

.. you know it's going to suck!

Things we learned by watching "Constantine" (the Keanu Reeves feature film, not the American Idol contestant):

- Angels can say the "F" word and not get fired by Our Lord the father.
- Cats are good.
- There's a "Sword of Destiny" that gives one the power to rule over all others + Heaven and Hell, I suppose... This is not to be confused with the One Ring to Rule them All, or the "Green Sword of Destiny".
- Once you have the Sword of Destiny, you are able to get hit by a car and hurt the car, not yourself. Also, you'll have the magical ability to knock over cows without touching them- they simply fall down when you approach.
- Entering Hell is easy! All you need is a cat, and a roasting pan full of water (this is how Keanu did it- Rachel Weisz had a slight variation on this, will explain). Sit in a chair, step into the water-filled roasting pan, fully clothed, and yes, you can wear your shoes in Hell! Hold the kitty firmly on your knees, facing you, and stare into deep into its eyes. Pretty soon, you'll look up and be right there in Hell.
- To enter Hell (if you're a regular Jane or Joe, not Constantine) you need to have a bathtub full of water. Get in the bath, again fully clothed, and let someone hold you down in the water until you begin to struggle and drown. Pretty soon, you'll look up and be right there in Hell.
- It's best to go to an Exorcism with a keyring full of various religious talismans, as you never really know what the demon might respond to.
- Demons will leave the person they are possessing if you yell at them loudly enough, and will get trapped in a mirror if you hold it right above the possess-ee. Toss the mirror out the window, and voila! No more pesky demon.
- Usually suicides go right to Hell, no questions asked. But sometimes God will just toss you back on Earth, and this can make you really cranky.
- People in the world of Constantine dress mighty like people in the Matrix dressed. They also seem to have the same weather patterns- lots of rain.
- Much like the Egyptian spirits in "The Mummy", demons can appear in the form of massive swarms of bugs. They don't so much kill you as annoy you so that you get distracted enough to run into oncoming traffic. But this can be okay, because you know what happens when bugs and oncoming windshields collide- splat!
- Seems that land crabs like to hang with the demon insect gang and jump into the swarm too.
- There's always an under worldly bar/nightclub when demons & assorted freaky people with glowing eyeballs hang out and act decadent.
- Constantine, who has the ability to slay demons, can't get anything nicer to ride around in than a taxi cab. However, being able to always have a taxi there when you need one is definitely a special power.
- Yep, what we thought all along- Gavin Rossdale is half-demon.
I give up... I didn't learn much, if you couldn't tell. Um, I did also learn that Keanu Reeves can have a sedative effect on me!
xox S.

It's only love and that is all

2005-07-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

Having a Bryan Ferry moment, don't mind me. Since I have about three or four weeks until the leg goes guh-bye, I've taken up the internet dating thing. Because why not? Do I not deserve to be loved/stongly liked just like everybody else does? Do I not want some 20-40 year old male attention every now and then? Somehow I thought the internet personal ads would be easier. I could very plainly state my condition and get a chance to show off my great big juicy chess-club brain by being clever. Ha-ha, joke's on me. I was 'chatting' with a fellow the other night. He's a filmmaker, 38, single, his personal was very normal. We were getting along well, emailing to and fro about movies, pretty mild stuff. Then he gave me his phone number and told me to call. Impressed by his forwardness (and thriftiness; it was after 10pm) I did. We continued talking like, "I'm bored" "yeah me too" etc. He then asked if I had any pictures of myself to email him. I went through the files and found a full body pic, but it was from 1993. Immediately he began grilling me, "Is this recent? Do you exercise? What do you do for exercise? Are you in shape? Because I'm very much about being in shape." That should have been a tip-off but duh, I'm new to this in-ter-net dating. So then he offered to send me some pictures of himself. They came through the email and there he was. Headless and stark naked. And, erm, happy to see someone. I was pretty flustered but I still have my manners so I tried to get off the phone and on the other end it sounded like he was much more into the call then I thought. The last thing I heard as I hung up was 'uhhhhhhhh!'.

Anyone need some pictures of a naked dude, let me know. Maybe you can Photoshop some nice shorts on him.

The first cut is the deepest

2005-07-26T11:31:00.000-07:00

(Wait a second... Isn't this really the second elimination? What about the horrible spectacle of Bindi Girl who slaughtered "Knockin' on Heaven's Door"? The one who made an embarrassingly long noise; sort of a groaning 'uhhhh.....' as she sank to the floor. Dave Navaro remarked, "That was sexy for about the first few seconds, then... I don't know." Thanks for that little window into your mind, Dave). Did that not happen? A figment of my feverish mind?

It's a new day in the Rock Mansion~ the contestants are feeling their feelings about the first elimination, and we are there.

They are once again around the banquet table, toasting. There could be a drinking game here where you simply take a drink every time they toast or are seen drinking- let's drink along with the wannabe rock stars! You'd be loaded before the first commercial break.

Let us have a moment of silence, for Neil is the first sacrifice on the altar of INXS. From the way the contestants are carrying on, you'd think they took him out and shot him instead of politely telling him "I'm sorry, but you're just not right for our band, INXS". Now that he is out, Neil is suddenly elevated to sainthood, and apparently he was the glue that held all of them together. Brandon sadly reminisces about how Neil was him roommate, and Ty, raising the bar for theatrics, sobs and proclaims that "His energy not being in this house is going to be huge". Jessica matches him for tears; she was in the bottom three and interviews how she felt it was her "last chance" to prove herself, and she was "fighting for her life". K responds to Jessica's hysterics with his preferred take, "I felt like it was my last chance to blow Dave Navaro!". If we all remember, Jessica's ass did save her from elimination (perhaps I should not use the words "ass" and "elimination" in the same sentence, although K did tell me that most musicians' insults contain some sort of scatological reference. We also watched the "Remaking Vince Neil" special on VH1 this weekend, and K's special name for the show was "Polishing the Turd").

Back to our table scene...Most of the rockers are crying. Except of course, for J! D! Fortune!, who has most definitely been cast as the villain of the show. They are editing the hell out of the footage to let us see how scheming, manipulative and dishonest he is. I'd say they are setting us up to see him get the boot this week, but I think they will take the usual tactic and keep him around because of how hilarious his delusional plotting and poor reimaginings of every song he tries to sing are proving to be. Also, Brandon notes at one point that J! D! seems to have a bit of a drinking problem, and he becomes even worse at communicating with everyone once he's had a few.

So, J! D! turns the conversation to his favorite topic, Himself. He seriously wants to know if everyone's okay with him after his alienating declaration of how superior his knowledge of the INXS catalogue is... he bounced on his daddy's knee, earnestly reciting, "It's the one thing... you are my thing...". Everyone gives him the hairy eyeball and again register their irritation at his attitude. Several contestants interview that they are on to the fact that he's just "playing to win", and Marty proclaims, "The game is on". The game of Rock?

We are treated to a Very Special Moment with Mig, who is shown on the phone with (I assume from his wedding band) his wife. This is obviously meant to be an intimate conversation, but Mig is carefully posed on a balcony chaise lounge, flanked by torches and candles, and we can see the shimmering lights of the City of Angles far in the distance, as if Stardom itself is beckoning, just out of reach... K moans, please let a car bomb drive into the house and just end this all... he's starting to get really dark at this point with his commentary- thing is, K has quite a bit of experience as a musician himself touring with different bands for many years, and now works with musicians in his current job. He has a very definite point of view on how they think, act, and treat other musicians. Here's a sampling of K's special rant on the "challenges" that they should really be handed.

He launches into his tirade~ " Give them some real rock challenges... make them live for a month in the house with no food... Ramen noodles, nothing but Ramen noodles. That's what being in a band is all about. That, and pushing the van when it breaks down. See who can push the van farthest. Try carrying a bass amp up a flight of stairs. Drop a bass amp on your foot. Try being left behind at the gas station. Chasing the bus down the freeway. Get strip searched going through London..."

This week's Rock Clinic is Stagecraft! This "clinic" amounts to the group sitting around with 2 members of INXS, and reviewing their own performances from the last 2 weeks on video. The INXS guys offer comments and criticism, but the f'd up thing is that the contestants start commenting on each other's styles of working the stage... this seems wrong since they are supposed to be learning from INXS, not saying shit to antagonize each other.

Brandon is criticized for.. leaning forward? J! D! jumps in and declares, I see you as very tall! And when you lean forward, I can't see that! Brandon looks like he wants to throttle J! D!, which he already did want to do after the stupid incident exhaustively covered already about J! D!'s vast knowledge of INXS music. BTW, I noticed something really funny- you can totally tell that all the footage is shot out of sequence because Brandon's beard keeps appearing and disappearing. His hair grows and shrinks too! Maybe he's like that Chrissy doll we used to have where you push the button in her navel & can lengthen & shorten her hair at whim?

Ty is again reminded on how theatrical his performance is, and how it seems really calculated. INXS shares how Michael was always a spontaneous performer, and how they in fact never rehearsed so they could just follow how they felt when playing and be fresh every time. Ty snots, "Point very clearly made last week". He then swishes his train and adjusts his tiara, vows to go in another direction this week.

Jessica is criticized for her posturing, and there's something said about how they'd like to point her in a different direction... K finds this highly amusing, as they could be pointing her is a few very lewd directions.

Hands down best commentary on Daphna's stage style- she of the crouching, squatting walk across the stage in giant, shiny leather pants. INXS asks her, where did that walk come from? She sparkles, "I don't know! It just comes naturally." Obviously she thinks they approve; she's shot down in flames as they tell her, "You look like Graucho Marx". K shouts out, "You look like you're trying to take a shit and walk at the same time!". Which, he correctly notes, is a special talent all on its own.

INXS asks J!D! if anyone ever told him he seems cocky... K asks back to INXS, "Did anyone ever tell you you have a little round clown nose?". My giggling fit makes me unable to hear the rest of this segment before commercial time breaks the tension.

Song choices! J! D! is obviously loaded again, clutching a glass- he is shown tiptoeing into the room with the assignment board festooned with sheet music, and bumps into the rest of the wandering rockers lurking outside the door. They glare at him and he tries to turn the ugly mob to his side by whining about how he'd noticed the songs in there for a full hour and didn't go in to peek. I don't think they buy it.

Songs start getting passed around. Ty chooses "Everybody Hurts", the gayest REM song ever (and that's saying a lot). I'm sure this will really show them how NOT THEATRICAL he can be. He declares, "It's time to step up his game". Can you hear Keith Richards wanting to step up his game as he shoots heroin into his eyeballs? I thought not.

Brandon chooses "Tempted", and we get to spend time with him in the rehearsal with my favorite guys, the House Band. The keyboard player points out that he's missing all of the melody, and asks if he could please be less nasal. Brandon whines, "I can't really do that, sing melodically. It's just really hard for me..." K says, "That's what the lead singer is supposed to do... sing a melody...". Seems pretty obvious but not for Brandon.

Jordis (who earlier has a really funny moment alone with J! D! out on the patio... she first wants to sing "We are the Champions", and J! D! really really peeing-in-his-pants wants this song. He does a whole transparent manipulative "I have to try to hard to be where you already are, and I really need this song.." I.e. You are so amazing and please let me have this chance, oh Battlefield Earth girl. She shrugs and says, "Whatever, no problem" and picks another song. He keep following he around and asking, Are you mad? Do you want the song back? She keeps giving him the brush off, like get out of my face you little weasel.) picks "Gimme Some Loving" and we see her singing it very well with the Band. I note how she doesn't suck, and K points out, yes, but remember John Belushi was able to sing this pretty well, too.

J! D! is shown first outside and in his room singing "We are the Champions", and you can see the major train wreck potential. We are left with him trying to convince the House Band to rearrange the music to be a "Trip Hop" version of the song... They try, but it totally doesn't work. The Band leader says, "This is just not serving the song at all" and asks J! D! if he could just try it straight. J!D! looks like he's going to cry, and yup, it gets worse. Again, we can see that Freddy Mercury really was pretty special to hit all those notes and make the song not suck. The show ends with House Band leader laughing off camera, telling us how incredibly awful it was... I'm breathless to see the next show!

G'day and Crocodile Dundee to everyone,
S.

Mahalo!

2005-07-24T21:54:00.000-07:00

This picture is where I may have been the happiest in my life - Maui, Hawaii in the year 2000. Check it out, I have two legs unaffected by cancer, possibly for the last time.
During this trip, I was the guest of the Mule family. Mrs. Mule was a 24-carat gold BITCH who insisted on controlling every single situation she was involved in. Once when the two year-old nephew was playing with a toy I had given him as a gift, she SNATCHED it out of his little hands and shoved one of her gifts into them instead. Anyhoo, it was her birthday during the Hawaii trip and she felt like this meant that she was in charge of everything that was going on. Going on a bike trip? Run it by Mrs. Mule first. Going to the beach with the kids? Better see what Mrs. Mule felt like doing. After a while (a day) it got really tiring. So her daughter came up with just telling her 'mahalo' when Mrs. Mule would go into one of her tirades, except instead of meaning 'thank you', as it does in Hawaiian, we all agreed that we really meant 'fuck you' when dealing with her tantrums. So now when doctors are pissing me off with waiting and their shitty attitudes, I'm thinking 'mahalo'!

Sometimes you kick, sometimes you get kicked

2005-07-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

Here I am in our very sleepy apartment- usually I am the one in bed early while K stays up way late.
However, he was up all night (morning?) doing a freelance sound job on Good Morning America and didn't really get any sleep; he managed to stay awake long enough to watch the "elimination" episode of Rock Tard oops I mean Rock Star. We were wondering... If INXS choses a new lead singer, what will they do next season? Or will the network people find bands that have had other people die/leave the band/enter rehab and use the same concept?

Today's extra credit question- what would be the best band to embrace this crass concept? I had a few thoughts for candidates- Van Halen (find the new diamond dave!), and The Doors (since they already gave into that lame "The doors of the 20th century" thing with Ian Astbury, what's stopping them? As Bob Dylan said, when you got nothin', you got nothin' to lose).

Tonight's episode was 2 minutes of decision crammed into a 30 minute show. Here's how the eliminations happen: we the people, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice & insure domestic tranquility (had a schoolhouse rock slip there) can get on our phones, text messaging, or computers after the performance episode and vote for the people we like best... then empty headed Brooke Burke comes out and tells us who the three biggest losers are (in no particular order, she assures us). Then, the mediocre three get on stage with Brooke and get to each perform " to save their lives for one more week!". Brooke keeps telling us that the competition is really heating up and getting intense. INXS are remaining really nice and encouraging, and Dave Navaro never says anything bad either- they are doing a great job of hiding the tension. Every song the three are asked to sing is a cover of an INXS song. I recognized all 3 of tonight's songs but I think they're going to have trouble if they keep doing this every week- they band didn't have that many hits.

Before she tells us which three are the worst, the band gives special comments to some people who they thought improved greatly since last week, or did especially good performances. No mention of personal style at all! I feel like I did the wrong homework assignment. I apologize deeply for not focusing on the talent when the previous show told us how important the "look" was. It will not happen again.

So, the three are: Tara, who sang Paranoid; Neil, who sang Summer of 69, and Jessica, who sang Purple Haze.

Neil goes up first and is asked to sing "Suicide Blond" (again with the suicide!). I hate this song, so really any version of it would have sounded bad to me... he isn't really awful, just doesn't sing very well. However, he does have the right look- good shag hair-do, skinny swivel hipped bod, cute enough face for the girls to swoon over. He works the stage okay- better than some of the others, like Mig, who simply fell over on the stage at the end of his song (I forgot to mention that, but there were so many other things going on that I needed to work out).

Next is Tara, who is asked to sing "Mystify". She does much better than the previous night; out of the lower three she has the strongest voice. We (correctly) assume she is safe.

Last, Jessica is asked to sing " Don't Change". Before she sings, DN notes how "Purple Haze" didn't really suit her- the understatement of the week. She looks like she escaped her sorority house for the night. She starts off super weak, but does manage to finish poorly.

What we agreed the choice really came down to was this- whose ass do we want to look at for another week? The winner was... Jessica! Buh bye, Neil, no more reality TV for you!

Neil politely thanked the INXS group for the opportunity to perform for them & held himself together; DN gave a smarmy little "You're a total star, dude, and I can't wait to see what you do next!!!". The rest of the group gave Neil a big group hug, and some girl or two made hysteric-face w/major tears to the cameras... they are all very self conscious about the fact they are on TV, when they announced the loser they showed Ty's reaction and I swear I could read his lips saying "Oh no way you're kidding!".

This was a shortie b/c I am too tired to type- I left out all the BS about the manufactured tension in the house where everyone ganged up on J! D! Fortune!, the dude who was living in his car. He made some ass-kissing comment the previous night after he sang about how the other people were working really hard on learning the INXS repertoire, when he already knew all the songs because he loves them. JD, what's that brown stuff on your nose? I predict this guy is going to have a giant meltdown at some point- he's way too keyed up all the time. He's our house ticking time bomb.

Off to bed and a weekend of activity- Monday is a new show! The cycle begins again!

Fosters, Australian for beer, g'day
S.

Support

2005-07-22T21:22:00.000-07:00

Since doctors are no help with the questions I have about my upcoming operation, I just called Krishna Thompson to ask about prosthetic limbs and rehab. He also has a prosthetic leg but instead of cancer, he lost his leg to a shark attack(!!!) It was all I could do not to keep asking about the shark. "How big was it? What kind of shark was it? Did you fight him?" But he did say that his doctor told him that according to the tooth size and bite on his leg, he should have died on the beach. Aside from getting my vicarious thrill from someone else's shark encounter, Krishna was a lot of help. He told me that you get fitted for the new leg about two months after the operation and that the surgeon will smooth out the femur bone to lessen the pain you'd experience by putting pressure on it. Rehab is going to be a lot of work but it had him up and walking on his new leg within two weeks. So the rest of my year is going to be tough but do-able. Plus I get lots and lots of sweet sweet painkillers to help me along the way. Mmm, Vicodin!

Their fancy pants I snatch 'cause I've had it

2005-07-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not an addict, fiending for static
I see their tape recorder and I grab it
No you can't have it back, silly rabbit.

(Rockstar:INXS recap by S)

I finally made it through the "Style Challenge" performance episode- thanks to the DVR which taped it while I was not aware it was on... busy little machine, giving me the twinkly red eye of mischief! First, I will lay out my credentials for evaluating the particular show (I'm kind of ignoring the actual performances to instead focus on the style choices of the contestants, since the otherwise pointless Monday show was supposed to be about that terrifying "style clinic"- let's see what the kids learned!). So yes, I am highly qualified to critique "style" being that I am an actual designer of clothing and have a good eye for what works and what doesn't- I'm so used to knowing what I like and also being around people who have good style of their own, I had a hard time understanding why this was such a challenge for these people. I forget that some people are genuinely confused about clothes, accessories, and what is flattering or not...

Okay, let's all remember that once you're a famous rock star, you generally have a STYLIST do that shit for you.
I will make a blanket statement that all of the contestants seemed to be dressed in "rocker" outfits for a dress-up party (So what are you going to go as? Dude, I'm going as a rocker!). Nary a shred of originality was displayed- there were several trends that kept appearing over and over, like studded leather cuff bracelets, long dangly chains galore, big silver studded black leather belts, jeans (duh), anything in leather. BTW, INXS was wearing a veritable rainbow of leather jackets! Looks like North Beach Leather had a dead stock sale... Dave N was again without a shirt, but had a ginormous beige fur collar attached to... something. The fur extended to his shoulders so we couldn't really see what was under it (god, I hope something was under it!). So, you can now picture the scene- on with the show...

Brooke Burke appears and reads her cue cards with rockin' enthusiasm... she is wearing a white wifebeater with a black bra to show us her deep understanding of the rock style. There's a boring little summary of what happened on Monday, and I already went over it... show the table of vegetables, again. I will now summarize the style choices- there are no winners here, so I give no ratings system. I will note song choices, but I ignored the performing a bit so I could write notes on the clothing... there are some horrible highlights I need to share. Sometimes when we share, it lets out the negative feelings, and the anger and sadness no longer have power over you and your interactions with others. I learned that in therapy. Onwards and downwards!

Bonus question- who makes up these song selections? Mr. Shuffle McRandom? Brian Adams and Black Sabbath do not exist in the same universe.

Marty- "What I Like About You"
Marty's outfit consists of a distressed black leather jacket, gray teeshirt, gray low trousers, and a red necktie, just hanging around his neck. Maybe he was trying to go for an ascot? He left very little impression on me; there was some bad dancing, hunch-walking around the stage, and much hand-hovering in the crotch area. Stop that, guys! I've cracked the code- when DN and INXS say to the performers, "You really work the stage" they mean "Your dancing sucks!". Or, if "energy" is mentioned, same thing. You're a total spazz.

Daphna- "I hate myself for Loving you"
Daphna, Axl wants his bandanna back! Daphna's style seems to consist of the challenge, "How much crap can i put on my head?". Yes, Daphna never met an accessory she didn't like. Feather earrings, aforementioned Bandanna, earrings aplenty, a big fake black rose stuck in one ear, ugh. There's a beige crochet camisole w/the requisite black bra (black bras totally rock!). Then, there are the pants. Huge, shiny, wide, low black leather bell bottom pants... a great visual of why you need to be heroin sick thin to be properly rocking the leather pant thing- they are unforgiving on any hip size above average, and Daphna is sporting might wide hips. She's business class, alright (needs the bigger seat! Hee...). The light shines off them and these big shiny poorly fitting pants are looking too low and then she squats. On the stage. Over and over.

Ty- "Somebody Told Me"
Ty, Ty, didn't anyone ever tell you that cropped pants are not ROCK? Barneys Coop in Chelsea yes, but not rock. Ty is proudly showing us his waxed chest and man nipples, festooned with silver jewelry & dog tags. There are 4 long chains hanging down from his pant waist, they swing about and I worry about him putting out someone's eye. His mohawk is sharply separated into 4 distinct points. He pouts when the guys don't rave over his performance... DN actually snarks "You have alot of theatre experience, don't you?" (translate- you're a total trouser pilot, aren't you?). I forgot to mention that in the first episode, TY says he loves Vernon Reid- do you think maybe he was prompted to say this b/c they couldn't think of any other African American people in rock bands?

Susie- "Roxanne"
God, put this girl out of her misery and get her off the show! She's a disaster- it doesn't help that the song arrangements are really awful, they can't sing the full song b/c of time, but her edit consists of her screaming the chorus over and over- "Roxanne! You don't have to put on the red light! Roxanne! You don't have to put on the red light! Put on the red light! Put on the red light!... sigh. She's sporting huge earrings and is wearing a denim mini over a plum colored dress. I have the word "Boring" underlined 5 times on my notepad.

Mig- "Walk this way"
Stripey shirt, all unbuttoned to show his waxed chest (does anyone just have a hairy chest anymore?), a festive choker 'round his neck, combed forward hair is an improvement but his skull is still disturbingly light-bulb like, dangerously low jeans with careful slashes on his man thighs, and a skinny chain mail tie around his neck. That's right, one of those necklaces shaped like a long skinny tie. They tried to create some suspense on monday b/c "Walk this way" had so many words (quote from Mig, "There are alot of words in this song!"). As K noted, Steve Tyler could get through it while totally smacked out, which is what you do in a band- you rehearse things to death so you can go out and play while you're totally high, drunk, or both! We're all learning here.

Neil "The summer of '69"
Neil has a pretty face and nice hair, but cannot sing for shit. Worse, he comes out with a guitar and plays maybe 2 riffs, then just uses it as a prop for the rest of the time. I get it- it's his accessory choice! Otherwise, he's a vision in denim- a sleeveless denim vest unbuttoned (again with the chest wax!) and giant patchwork studded bell bottom jeans. They show DN answering his phone, and he yells, "Dude! Lenny Kravitz wants his giant patchwork studded bell bottom jeans back!". If only that was true...

Heather- "It's only rock 'n roll"
Peachy chiffon & satin kimono thing a la Stevie Nicks gets tossed off immediately- she is wearing a green camisole with a brocade waist cinch corset, low rise jeans, and that damn studded black belt. Nothing much interesting here, but I'd like to point out the line in the song "Suicide right on the stage"... shouldn't they avoid songs that mention suicide?

Jay D- "One hand in my pocket"
A black button down shirt with only the collar button done (like a fly-away shirt!), dangerously low jeans, and we can clearly see that Jay D has a really big, long, obvious TIE (bet you thought I was going to say something else). Again with the tie swinging free over the waxed chest! Have these men hit puberty? Okay, I have to mention this- in the song, there's a line that goes "... I've got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is making a peace sign"- and yes, he makes a "putting hand in pocket" gesture, and indeed raises his other hand with a peace sign. Jay D, go gas up that car you were living in.

Tara- "Paranoid"
AAAArrrgghh!!! This was soooo painful to watch. Knee high leather boots, red leather fingerless gloves, teased to all hell red & black hair, studs and chains, and a very very tight denim mini dress that buttoned up the front but was unbuttoned UP TO HER CROTCH!! And she kept doing this sprawled leg squatting bump & grind, there was danger of us getting major snatch-cam. I was waiting for someone to poke a rolled dollar up there. Funny moment- she gets up in front of one house band guitarist and does this "I'm so sexy dip & sway & pretend kiss" and he does not react at all, just looks mildly forward playing "Paranoid" and you know he's all " Do not react! Do not make eye contact! Maybe she'll go away if I just ignore her...". Oh yes- she makes a "crazy" face with the song lyric "think I'll lose my mind".

Deanna- "The one I love"
Black leather pants, halter corset thingy, lots of crimped blond hair, she keeps going yyyyeeeeeaaahh and UUUuuurrrrr.... I hit the fast forward, I'm sorry.

Jordis- Some Stupid Hoobastank song
Jordis has dreadlocks (she's a white girl) and they are so large, I can't see her neck or shoulders... very "Battlefield Earth". Huge black bell bottom pants, unflattering sleeveless sheer top, elbow length fingerless gloves. Oh, Jordis? Little Steven wants his head scarf back.

Jessica- "Purple Haze"
Black triangle halter bikini top, extremely low rise jeans (I am so sick of typing that), that goddamn studded belt again, and a oddly prim hairdo (a little pulled back ponytail hold back the top of her hear, neatly teased & combed back). She keeps grabbing her crotch and inner thigh area. Did I mention how people keep doing this squatting creeping "prowling" kind of walk around the stage? It's really bad.

Brandon- "Sweet Home Alabama"
He's got a guitar and seems to be playing it too- wearing ripped jeans and and an olive drab shirt, barefoot. Very bad hair center-parted and a big bushy beard has sprouted, he's looking more Allman Brothers than INXS. But, on the positive side, he did take the raccoon tail off his fly.

I need to sleep now but will check to see who gets ousted on the next show, waiting patiently for me on the DVR. Can we just rename the show "Brandon is the new lead singer of INXS"?

Future job?

2005-07-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

There's an open casting call this weekend in CA for the 'Pirates of the Caribbean' sequel:
Pirates: Extreme characters and hideously unattractive types, ages 18-50. Odd body shapes or very lean to extremely skinny. Missing teeth, wandering eyes and serial killer looks with real long hair & beards. Wigs & makeup are not what we’re looking for. We also need little people, very large sumo wrestler types, extremely tall or extremely short people, albinos, amputees. Any size or shape that is NOT average is best. All ethnicities. Mostly men, very few women.

It's a whole new job world for me! If only I were a very lean albino amputee...

Murderball and March of the Penguins

2005-07-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

Both are awesome. One’s about quad rugby, one’s about penguins. “Murderball” features super-tough sports guys who just happen to be in wheelchairs, Mark Zupan, lots and lots of cursing, a glimpse of quad sex, quad-on-quad violence and one really mean (but really funny) prank. “March” features thousands of Emperor penguins waddling, swimming, balancing eggs on their feet, cute baby chicks, frozen dead baby chicks and lots and lots of ice. Both theaters featured excellent air conditioning and cold beverages. And best of all, no one lost a leg, which I’ve seen in four movies over the past year (Million Dollar Baby, Revenge of the Sith, Kill Bill 1, and Sin City). What more could I ask for?

“Murderball” also reminded me that once I get the new leg (I keep calling it the fake leg, bad me) I’ll be eligible for the Paralympics. Must find sport to be good at, maybe archery.

Apropos

2005-07-20T18:54:00.000-07:00

Meet my future husband. Mrs. Megan Ken....

Special Guest

2005-07-19T11:33:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the critic's chair today is my sister S (and her fiancée K) on the TV show 'Rockstar: INXS'. Enjoy!

Let us descend together to the circle of Hell where "Rock Star" lurks. I was highly disappointed to see that one of my favorite blogs, TVgasm, was not going to delight us with humorous recaps of this program, thus sparing me the indignity of actually watching it or polluting our DVR with the series. However, thanks to years of unspeakable abuse, my stomach is stronger than steel, and I willingly snatch up the gauntlet!

Sorry to jump into this approximately 3 shows into the series, but we only caught this premier episode and didn't realize there were 2 more shows last week. My mind is protecting me from recalling most of the first show- but I'll give some preliminary thoughts on why this isn't working.

My recollection of INXS- fine, I was a fan 20 years ago. I bought their records, and actually saw them in concert at Jones Beach Theatre (back when it was only the Jones Beach theatre, now the Tommy Hilfiger at Jones Beach Theatre. Oh really- is he there all the time? He has his own reality show... are they all somehow linked in evil, like the Bilderburg group?). I remember being pressed up against the stage, surrounded by screaming female fans, and almost having my skirt yanked off by the force of people leaping and carrying on around me. Michael Hutchence had the requisite sinewy form, disheveled hair, and leather pants of a proper rock front man, and he did indeed have that "thing" that the men don't know, but the little girls understand. He didn't play an instrument, only sang and writhed, and had enough presence to carry it off and drive the ladies wild.

In the first episode, we met the remaining members of INXS. This show has the same problem as "The Rebel Billionaire" did a few months back- the hosts are simply too nice to be doing this. They lack the requisite straightforwardness needed to tell the contestants that they suck. Imagine if you can "American Idol" judged only by Paula Abdul- it wouldn't work. They seem genuinely eager to find a new lead singer, and have the annoying habit of smiling sheepishly at the camera. Predictably, the subject of Michael Hutchence's is glossed over- it almost seems as though he just wandered off and did something else instead of ending up dangling from his hotel doorknob. So far, the harshest thing they can say about any performer is "I'm just not feeling it"... I need some bile spewing in my reality TV!

Then, there is the almost unspeakable horror that is Dave Navarro (must note- K's subtitle for this program is "Who wants to blow Dave Navarro? It is truly a joy to be witnessing this show with an actual musician- his POV is invaluable). I believe that a true rock dude should be loud, sweaty, unafraid to get dirty and possibly laughable in his posturing, and mostly concerned with PLAYING MUSIC. Dave Navarro looks as though he spends most of his time keeping up with weekly facials and waxing appointments. His hair is a suspicious coal black that does not occur in nature, and his sideburns and facial hair are so carefully shaped that one imagines the stylist has stencils. The only musicians that can get away with such a high degree of grooming and attention to clothing are David Bowie and Prince, but they are both so insanely talented that they can do whatever they want and still have their music be the thing you'd remember most. All I can remember about Dave Navarro is his incredibly stupid eyebrows. Also, he has a giant lollipop head on a little body, which I find disturbing.

Another huge complaint- where's our audition show? We have been cheated! How dare they pick these people and not show us the rejects? They searched "around the world" ( you know, the world that consists of Australia and the USA) and picked these people. So unfair.

So, the contestants. So far, none are really standing out too me except Ty, an African American with a careful mohawk who is almost impossibly gay- in last night's show (which focused on"Personal Style"- but more on that later) he unsurprisingly admits how much he loooooves clothes and shopping, and says how "dope" the clothes are... one gets the feeling that he actually said something like "fabulous" and was prompted by the show producers to take it down a notch. Then there is Mig, who has an oddly shaped face and head, which is accented with exceedingly bad hair choices (slicked back, ala Planet of the Apes wigs). There's the dude who lived in his car, who grossed us all out with his full-on crotch grab and fluttering hand gesture in his first performance. There is Heather, who had loudly red hair. There's some girl (Dana?) who always seems to have some odd shiny goo covering her nose and mouth. I am irritated by the inclusion of women in this show in general- obviously, they will not make it, and were only included for the obvious tensions that will inevitably arise between men & women living together. Especially "musicians". There is Brandon (?), who seems like the shoo-in to win. He is tall, hairy, good-looking enough, and is shown partying hard from day one. He also might be Australian. My mind is a blank on the rest. All contestants fake loud enthusiasm when they first see and hear INXS and DN jamming in the house... that whirring noise you hear in the distance is Michael H. spinning madly in his grave.

The house- a big "rock mansion", where they all live together, seemingly supplied with an endless flow of alcohol- they got that right, I guess. There's a pool, which is stupid since everyone knows a real rock person won't wake up until late and won't be up for fun 'n sun as they nurse their hangovers. The "rockers" constantly (and self consciously I might add) burst out singing at random moment to remind us how full of music they are. The daily assignments appear on a bulletin board somewhere in the house- rooms also fill with objects of interest that seem to surprise everyone (lots of "Hey guys! Come look at this!")- isn't there a doorbell, don't they see people coming and going? The most mysterious thing about the house is the dining table- the contestants are often seen toasting each other around the table, which always is seen covered with a big pile of vegetables(?!??!!). I doubt that Keith Richards would approve.

So, onto last night's episode. There's first a helpful recap to show us what's been going on so far- the first elimination (which is too painful to go into, suffice to say the white chick with the bindi who made a horrific noise while sprawled on the floor got the boot), and other 2 shows which had more, uh, performances. K's comments on the clips of performances consist of mutterings such as "this proves that rock as an art form is dead", "bite the bag", and "lower than whale shit". I love K so much!! During interviews, one "rocker" uses the expression "game face"... again, I don't think Keith would say "game face". Note- a definite nip slip at 9:35! We rewound the DVR several times to verify this.

One of the dudes enters a room and does the whole "Hey guys! Come here and look!"... the room is full of Gibson guitars! I asked K if he thought any of them could play- he correctly notes that in order to play the guitar, you should first tune it.. He also points out how disappointed they must be to get shiny new Gibsons, instead of older models that might be worth something. Oh well, they can always unload them on e-bay when they lose. Oddly enough, they don't get any amps with the guitars, so they can't even hear themselves play. There's some kind of awkward sing-along and I have again forgotten what the song was, but rest assured it was painful whatever it was. Is it worth reminding everyone the lead singer they are all trying to replace didn't even play an instrument? Help!

So, this week's focus on personal style- we are shown an interview w/Dave Navarro helpfully explaining how each rocker (I can't keep putting in the ironic quotes "" but I think you can fill them in on your own by now) needs to do a certain amount of "peacocking" (!!!). The contestants burst collectively into a room where DN is draped upon an armchair, clad in a white feather boa and white flared pants. My eyes! He says that although he knows the outfit is ridiculous, there is an almost identical one of his in the Rock 'n Roll hall of fame (with the placard, "World's Stupidest Outfit").He notes the challenge of style and introduces a famous stylist who I've never heard of. There are props all over the room, clothing, accessories and shoes, and they are tasked with dressing themselves. The people begin to choose outfits. Our hands-down favorite is the dude who simply hangs a long raccoon tail over his crotch (so he can lure a small furry animal). Already noted is Ty's exhortation of "dope"... I just threw up a little in my mouth, but I'll try to finish.

The week's song choices appear. Here's where we were treated to the only truly likeable people in this whole painful spectacle- the House Band! I love these guys- they somehow managed to keep straight faces as the contestants tried to direct them with how they wanted the song choices to sound- one guy did a lot of air-drum arm gestures and kept calling out "and then BOMP BOMP PISH!! Alright? BOMP!". The band remains deadpan and individually interview how skeptical they are of the contestant's abilities- especially one sorry chick who chooses to sing "Paranoid". Can't wait for this. Another lady is stuck with "Losing my Religion" and keeps pompously informing the band, "I'm just not feeling it".. one band guy tactfully points out that it's just a very pretty song and she really doesn't need to do much but sing it straightforward, but on she presses on doing the overwrought vocal gymnastics of the insecure and self-conscious. Again the band guy's faces are blank, but you can sense the barely restrained eye rolls and sighs. Go, house band!!! Keep it real!

I'll leave this episode w/a few of my favorite quotes from the show- much suspense for the next round of performances!!!

"Suzie's style needs to catch up with her."

"If I don't rock this week, I'm screwed."

"The correct chess piece to move right now is a rock piece."

Cheers & shrimps on the barbie!
S.

A sisyphean task

2005-07-18T18:06:00.000-07:00

Back from Dr. K's. What a delightful time. The last time I talked to K-Man on the phone, he all but said the knee replacement plan was off the table. Now when I saw him, he mentioned all three options again (knee replacement, backwards foot, amputation) as if two of those are realistic at this point! I finally cut him off and said, 'look I've pretty much decided on amputation so I don't even want to talk about the other two ideas right now.' I think he was surprised that I was able to say that without bursting into tears. Then I tried to ask him questions about the operation and it was like pulling teeth. Karl (who was with me) and I sounded like we were dealing with a hostile witness in court - 'so it is my understanding that I'll be in the hospital for five days after the amputation, correct?' 'Yes.' 'And I'll be going home then?' 'Yes.' 'And six weeks to two months later I'd be fitted for a prosthetic leg, right?' 'Yes' 'And at that point I'd be going into rehab?' 'Yes'. Jeez! Spit it out man! I'll be glad to have this done just so I never have to deal with him again.

Oh and icing on the cake? When I had my skirt hiked up and he was checking to see where the tumor on my leg ended, he asked if my three inch infusion scar was from lipo.

Harry Potter and the Raised Expectations

2005-07-17T11:04:00.000-07:00

As I predicted, yesterday was all about buying the new Harry Potter book. I couched it for the rest of the day and managed to finish all 652 pages around 7:30. Whew. It was a good book. Quite a few of the older characters are back like Remus, Percy, and even Fleur Delacour pops up. But there a lot of interesting changes in the Potter universe, like about the Ministry of Magic and about the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher (something of a shock). There's a lot more romance between Harry and his friends (about time too, they are teenagers after all). We also learn much more about how Tom Riddle became Volde- er, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and why he can't be killed. Finally it all leads up to a real lulu of a cliffhanger. Yes there is a death and it's a jaw-dropper. Unfortunately, the end leaves you hanging for one hell of a follow-up in the next book. Write faster, J.K.!
Myself and a member of Slytherin:

HP versus the Mermaid

2005-07-15T13:21:00.000-07:00

What I won't be doing tomorrow: going out to the Siren Fest at Coney Island. I used to really like going out to Coney for the Mermaid Parade. Coming out of the subway and smelling hot dogs, sea water, and dirty bathrooms all at once. Getting raging drunk on cheap beer in the hot sun, watching the freak parade of mer-maids, men, children, and dogs. Cheering on the bad bands, oohing at the classic cars, getting sunburned. Then after the parade you run into the not-so-clean beach water up to your knees and let the waves lap at your shorts. Afterwards means drinks at Ruby's and Cheez fries at Nathans for a booze mop. Then you take a spin on the Eldorado bumper cars with the blaring recording urging you to 'bump, bump, bump your ass off' in a think Nu Yawk drone. And before you leave you have to take at least one ride on the Cyclone. The clueless line up for the front seats while those in-the-know head for the last car, knowing the back seat gives you the most violent ride. It's a better idea to ride drunk because you're more relaxed and remain relatively uninjured, except for some whopping bruises. But now that I'm older, none of this seems as fun. Maybe it's the thought of being stuck with twenty-year old versions of myself and friends acting like it's the first time they ever drank during the daytime. Maybe it's the doorless bathrooms without any toilet paper. Maybe I can't drink like I used to. Whatever. If anyone needs me tomorrow, I'll be sprawled out on the couch reading the latest Harry Potter.

Here's a mermaid:

By special request

2005-07-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

For you (you know who you are):

Mon temps perdu

2005-07-14T17:51:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago I was walking on the northeast side of Thompson's Square Park with some friends when I noticed people across 7th street pointing and laughing. Following their fingers, I laid unfortunate eyes on a very angry man. Jumping up and down. Shouting unintelligibly. Stark naked. In broad daylight. And he wasn't exactly in position of a fabulous physique either. He then climbed up on the trunk of a car and continued jumping up and down, waving his fists. Everything bouncing [shudder]. Finally he landed wrong and tumbled ass-over-teakettle to the ground. His act was getting really old, so eventually we moved on and left him romping all over the car like it was a trampoline.

The next night I was walking around the same neighborhood and happened to see the same car. All over the dirty trunk were hand prints, foot prints and best of all, one perfectly formed ass-print. Sometimes I like to wonder what the owner of the car thought when they got back to their parking place.

Happy Bastille Day.
Here's some monkeys.

Not Lemmy!

2005-07-13T16:16:00.000-07:00

Via PopBitch:
Lemmy collapses after gig

Lemmy, a man who once survived a two-week amphetamine bender on just two fruit pies and some yoghurt, was hospitalised last week for dehydration and exhaustion.

It was after a gig at Fury Fest in France. Despite 130 degree heat onstage, Lemmy insisted on doing the final two encores. Drummer Mikkey says, "We managed to get through Ace Of Spades, so I said 'come on Lemm, let's just skip the last one, Overkill'. But he said, "No Mikkey, we're doing 'Overkill' but maybe we can just play it a little slower... "

Lemmy's manager has been trying to get him to start a more healthy lifestyle so the European tour can continue. Lemmy has compromised... he's agreed to start adding ice cubes to his Jack Daniels.

Sucks to be me

2005-07-13T16:02:00.000-07:00

After the angiogram results came in, Dr. Kenan wanted me to have another MRI. It was supposed to be thirty minutes. Of course, it took an hour and a half. My sister tells me it’s the rule of three – any amount of time they give you should multiply by three to get the real time. This time I was injected with contrast dye to make the tumor stand out more. I waited a week and I heard from Dr. Kenan this afternoon (July 13, 2005) and he told me that the results were not good. The main nerve in my leg is completely enmeshed in the tumor. He wouldn’t be able to take it out without causing massive nerve damage and removing a great amount of leg muscle, so I would be left with a dead useless leg. I’m meeting with Dr. Kenan on Monday July 18th but I think it’s only to make final arrangements about the above the knee amputation of my right leg. It’s been a really long year and a half since I first learned about the sarcoma and unfortunately I’m right back to the original diagnosis. It's frustrating but I feel like I'm more mentally prepared to face what lies ahead than if I just had the amputation done two weeks after they found the sarcoma. Plus this way, I'm sure I've tried all possible alternatives and I won't be always wondering if there was something more I could have done to save my leg.

Sorry to be such a downer. Here's something happy, dammit. HAPPY!!!

Backwards foot plan

2005-07-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

When I got back in the states Dr. Blum sent me to an Orthopedic Oncologist who would be the one actually doing the amputation. Dr. Kenan looked at my films and a small forest’s worth of paperwork and bluntly stated that I had three options. I could have an amputation and he recommended a full from-the-hip amputation just to be safe, or one of two replacement surgeries. One would cut off my leg above the knee and raise my ankle and foot. Then it would be flipped around and my ankle would become my new knee with my foot attached on backwards. Get a mental image of that if you will. I wouldn’t have believed that anyone would actually have it done until he pulled out some thick medical tome and found a picture of the final product. Very 'Island of Doctor Moreau'. Finally, he said they could maybe cut out the end of my femur and my knee, replace them with titanium parts, cut out what muscle is involved and do a double bypass on the artery and vein. The downside of that procedure is that there will most likely be some nerve damage involved but at this point I think I’d be willing to put up with some nerve damage in order to keep my leg. I’m also willing to put up with Dr. Kenan’s terse bedside manner in order to keep my leg.

Dr. Kenan then sent me to yet another doctor, Dr. Maldonado, a very nice vascular surgeon, who recommended an angiogram (I love how they recommend these treatments as if there’s really anything voluntary about them). So I said sure, why not and had me a good ol’ fashioned angiogram. An angiogram is when they puncture your leg’s artery to flood your leg with contrast dye. Then they use a portable x-ray machine to check out the results. I got to be awake for that and got to feel the sensation of my own warm blood pouring over my legs when they cut into my artery. Luckily I was on a medical version of a housebreaking wee-wee pad. I also had the sensation of having my naked pelvis eyeballed by a room full of junior doctors. If you haven’t figured it out by now, I had long lost any shred of dignity a long time ago. Cancer does that to a person.

Bad news in Rotterdam

2005-07-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

I hadn’t seen the doctor since the operation and when I asked about him he was always busy or out of town (he’s the only guy in the world that does this procedure). I thought nothing of it and just thought about being cured. Finally on the day before I left Rotterdam for home, he said he’d meet me in his office. There he pulled the rug out from under me. He said when he cut open my leg and got a good look at what he was dealing with, he wanted to amputate. The main nerve was completely encased by the tumor and cutting it would mean having a useless dead leg. He was able to remove 80% of the tumor but the rest was still in there wrapped around my knee. There was nothing further he could do for me, sorry, and thanks for coming in, have a safe trip home. I waited until we were back in the familyhaus to break down crying. This time going home there was no fun to be had in the veelchair.

yeagh!

2005-07-12T18:26:00.000-07:00

I love dogs, really I do. But this...THING...ye Gods! 100 proof nightmare fuel.

Back to Rotterdam

2005-07-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

When I was in the airport going back I had to use a wheelchair because I was barely out of the hospital and still not steady on my feet. I was alternately ignored or treated like furniture by passers-by. At one point I had to go to the bathroom in the airport so I wheeled off towards the ladies’ lounge and the handicapped room. When I got there the door was locked and the person inside wasn’t answering. Well she picked the wrong cripple to piss off that day. I found the bathroom attendant and pointed out sadly that I couldn’t use the bathroom because the one handicapped room was locked. The frau banged on the door and when the idiot woman opened the door, she got in her face and shrieked, “NO! (pointing at me) VEELCHAIR!” I had to look sad and try to keep from laughing my handicapable ass off.

Three months later I went back to Dr. Eggermont and the Netherlands for a resection of the tumor. There were a few differences on this trip. This time instead of just anesthesia I was given an epidural as well which is given to pregnant women in labor so they won’t feel anything from the waist down. I sat on the gurney leaning forward while Hans or Dieter put a needle into my spine. Dirk or Lars stood in front of me and gently cradled my head in his arms, not to be tender but so I wouldn’t flinch when the needle went in. I was also given white fishnet panties to wear for some reason. This time when I woke up afterwards I was sore and stoned and relieved and freaked out that the epidural was still firmly stuck in my back. The food was bland as the last time with one piece of bread and two slices of meat and a tablespoon of peanut butter posing as dinner. One of the nursing aides there took quite a liking to me when he found out I was an American. “I love America! And I love George Bush. More votes for George Bush,” he liked to tell me. Once he brought me a glass of juice and announced triumphantly, ‘It comes from apples!’ (this was after I asked for water). Another aide had some difficulties with English, which caused this exchange: she noted that I was on a catheter and asked if it was working. Not soaked in pee, I agreed. She started to ask if I had done something else and I cut ahead and asked, ‘bowel movement?’ because in the hospital they love to hear all about everything that goes into or comes out of your body. “No,” she insisted. I couldn’t imagine what else it could be and sat there dumbly. Finally she pointed at her own rump and asked, “You make of the ass?”

dem bones

2005-07-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

From Craigslist today, typos from the original:

i have a free skeleton that i need to get out of my apartment. it is missing a left fibia, two metatarsel bones, and two ribs are dangling. i stole the skeleton from my high school eight years ago, and we’ve had plenty of good times since - like the dancing on the roof, seeing “the hours” together (how we cried!), and, on some lonely nights, a bit of cuddling (thats what broke the fibia).

but my girlfriend just moved in and he freaks her out. his name is milan kundera. first one to pick up gets it.

p.s. no weirdos that want to do weirdo things to milan. he’s a gentle skeleton.

Yep, no weirdos need apply. I am kind of tempted but he is missing a fibia so what good can he be to me?

Klaus redux

2005-07-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot my favorite part of "Aguirre": Klaus is alone on the raft except for a huge tribe of squirrel monkeys. He stalks around the raft going over his insane plans for the future ("I will marry my daughter..") and the monkeys can't get out of his way fast enough. Some bail off the raft completely and head for shore (didn't know the little buggers could swim) but one is too slow and Klaus grabs it and brings it up to his face. He contemplates it for a moment, talks to it, and then with disgust THROWS the monkey off to the side. If there was any doubt in your mind, life IS hard on the little creatures.

The wrath of Klaus

2005-07-11T10:58:00.000-07:00

Last night’s entertainment was “Aguirre the Wrath of God”, a Werner Herzog flick from 1971. It’s about a subgroup of Pizarro’s mutinying (they are on a raft most of the time) during his explorations in South America. It’s also about the cruelty of nature and nature of cruelty, both of the jungle and of the men’s relations with each other. But more than anything, this is a movie about Klaus Kinski. Lurching around the set, bugging his eyes out, attacking the extras, you can’t watch anyone else while he’s around. And this is Klaus at seven, moderately restrained. To see Klaus at, oh, say fifteen watch Herzog’s “My Best Fiend” a documentary about his long and difficult relationship with Kinski. At one (only one??) point during the filming of “Aguirre,” Klaus attacked an extra with a real sword, which would have killed or seriously injured him had he not been wearing a helmet. It also contains scenes from Kinski’s “God Tour” that shows off-screen Klaus and on-screen Klaus are equal parts intense and insane. Makes me feel calm and collected by comparison.

Greetings from Manpad

2005-07-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

(part the four)

My mother and I flew over to Rotterdam in May. People have a misconception about the Netherlands that everyone speaks English. Not true. They all take English classes but not everybody bothers to use it. Plus all the signs are only in Dutch, which is a goofy language. For example, brood rooster is not a chicken, it’s a toaster. Dinsdag is a day of the week, the regional paper is called Spits and a flop is a snack. You wash with zeep, smoke wiet in coffeehouses and if you’re caught with wiet on the street it is your own domme pech (bad luck). The first night we were there we went out for pizza and they put out the ketchup and mayo. Bicycles are everywhere and nobody bothers with locks. The taxis are all Mercedes Benzes. Dog crap is also everywhere and since the Mastiff is the pit bull of the Dutch, it’s some mighty hearty dog crap. No laws about sküuping püuph I guess. I saw a car called the Megane and walked down a street named Manpad. And none of this is funny to the Dutch when you point it out (no pirate jokes there either).

On Monday I gave blood and urine “examples” and had an MRI. Almost as boring as the MRI was the Euro-Pop they were piping into my headphones. On Wednesday I had the isolated limb profusion. This involved isolating the circulation of my leg and pumping two massive doses of chemo directly through the blood vessels going throughout my tumor. The two kinds of chemo used are too toxic for the whole body to handle and if it circulated through my body it would kill me. Instead, it made my leg turn purple and my veins burn. I also felt like I had the flu for about a month. After the anesthesia wore off I was a puking incoherent stoned crying puking mess. Did I mention the puking? Not my finest moment, and in a bed with pre-bloodstained sheets. Let’s hear it for socialized medicine and all the Percoset you can eat!

CATs PETs MRIs, OMG

2005-07-11T09:51:00.001-07:00

(Part the third)

At this time, I had another MRI, another CAT scan and a PET scan. They are all similar where you are put on an uncomfortable flat board and fed into a hole going through a big noisy machine. MRIs are the noisiest, they sound like a washing machine filled with jackhammers. CAT and PET scans are quiet but are boring and claustrophobic. When you have a CAT scan you have to drink this horrible ‘shake’, which is invariably ‘banana’ ‘flavored’. It’s either to irradiate your insides or cause you to throw up, I forget which. When they gave me the PET scan to make extra sure that I wouldn’t move or see them laughing at me, the technician actually taped my head to the board. They also have music piped into headphones to mask some of the machines’ noise. On this visit, they played ‘Spirit in the Sky’ where they sing about where you go when you die, which was really thoughtful of some programmer.

Dr. Hu, who coincidentally plays tennis with Dr. Coit, thought I should consult with a fourth doctor, Dr. Blum (not to be confused with Doctor Bloom). Being the head of Oncology at Beth Israel he knew a lot of doctors and their specialties. One that he knew was a Dr. Alexander Marie Eggermont of the Netherlands. He does a process called an isolated limb perfusion to sarcomas of the arms or legs and after checking all my tests and a library’s-worth of paperwork, told me I would be an ideal candidate for the procedure.

Orchids, waterfalls, and free coffee

2005-07-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

(part 2)

Dr. Bloom put me in touch with a nice radiologist named Dr. Hu (pronounced ‘who’) just to prove his position (“Not that will do any good but…”). Hu didn’t think there was much he could do for me but did a radiology staging anyway. That’s where they put you into the radiation machine and take exact measurements of where you need to be scanned. They then put your leg onto a plaster-y pillow to make a mold of how your leg needs to be held. Finally you’re tattooed, something I didn’t know until he was injecting four black dye dots into my leg with a syringe. I also learned the importance of wearing butt-covering underwear when they took a Polaroid of me lying on the table from my feet-up and pointing up at my crotch, Pretty, and it’s on the front of my radiology file, to boot. Just how I’d like to be remembered.

After seeing Dr. Hu, someone told me that if you have cancer you should go to Sloan-Kettering, the Rolls Royce of cancer centers. Costs about the same, too. Dr. Coit was another Surgical Oncologist and came up with much the same conclusion; amputation was my only option, except he was a lot nicer about breaking the news to me. He also did another biopsy, a chunk the size of a pencil eraser this time while being surrounded by young doctors taking notes. After he told me about the results of the biopsy (sarcoma) I never heard from him again except from his billing office. I have to say though, if you either have the money or Sloan-Kettering takes your insurance it’s worth going to if, for no other reason, to check out the super-nice outpatient waiting room. It's all about the waterfalls, orchids and free coffee.

The Story of my Leg

2005-07-10T18:32:00.001-07:00

In 2001, I was diagnosed with what appeared to be a blood clot behind my right knee. I was briefly hospitalized and started taking Coumadin. In 2003 I had a recurrence. At this time, my leg started curving inward. My doctor reassured me it was just swelling from the blood clot. On January 15th 2004 I saw a vascular surgeon to have a Doppler scan of the clot. Instead, the technicians scanned the inner part of my right knee and freaked out. Instead of being edema, I appeared to have a tumor the size of a grapefruit wrapped around my knee. They told me to go to my regular doctor’s office and wait there. When I arrived Dr. Hirschman told me to see his associate Dr. Bloom, a surgical oncologist who shared an office with him. Dr. Bloom introduced himself my sticking a thick needle into my leg with no anesthesia and I tried to ignore the pain by fixating on his blood-caked fingernails. I was sent out for a CAT scan and an MRI and told to come back next week.

On my next visit Dr. Bloom told me that the results came back as a low-grade firbosarcoma, a stage 2B (there are only four stages). Sarcomas are very rare and do not respond to chemotherapy or radiation and most often have to be surgically removed rather drastically with very wide margins. He then cut to the chase and flat out recommended amputation of 75% of my right leg. I tried hard not to puke, or pass out or puke and pass out. My cousin who was with me asked me if I was okay. The doctor snapped, ‘Of course she’s not okay, I just told her I need to amputate her leg!’ Oh and by the way, I had two weeks to make up my mind about the surgery, which he claimed he had performed hundreds of times. Through my tears I asked him that if I get a prosthetic limb do I also get an eye patch and a parrot? Silence from Dr. Bloom. Not a fan of pirate jokes I guess.

Greetings from a couch in New York City.

2005-07-10T18:22:00.002-07:00

Hi online blog community folk (and anyone else I've let on about this). Welcome to the bloggity-blog, a public writing board about my cancerous right leg and whatever else junk pops into my mind, and posting the occasional picture. Fun abounds!